breathing was difficult.

eyes staring straight at the television and a bottle of soju in my hand, my heart was pounding incredibly fast as i couldn't help but gasp for air. an unknown surge of pain struck my heart and as if on cue—

"—cheater"

—the way her voice echoed made tears erupt in my eyes. that single word stabbed into the corners of my heart as i remembered the way she whispered against me, the memory replaying inside me like a broken record for the past two days.

"—she's so damn happy"

her lips was tugged into a smile before a glint of tear slipped in the corner of her eye. at that moment, anyone who could've seen her would be fooled of those usual trademark smile.

i made those painful fake smiles reappear.

"you're going to be alright, jeongguk"

feeling a hand caress the back of my head, i felt myself being cradled as a pair of arms encircled its way on my waist, all while her perfume tickled my nose.

"you're just guilty" lilia whispered through my ear as her body was dangerously pressed to me. the woman i came to love is beside me and yet, why?

why does it sting?

why do tears continue to fall in my eyes?

why do i feel so conflicted?

"you're guilty of hurting her but it's all part of the process. for a couple of years you believed that you truly loved her when you really didn't"

i didn't love her.

right?

timidly nodding, i reached out to drink another shot of soju. lilia soon pulled away not before giving a peck on my lips.

"just a few more days honey, and we're going to be together. we'll start our very own family and we don't have to hide from anyone" lilia's smile was bright but it still couldn't calm my heart, like the way she used to.

"this is what we want, sacrifices are necessary jeongguk"

this is what i want, right?

right?