JEANIE

My hands rub my face so much my skin feels tingly.

"Jeanie." I hear Fran's voice. "Stop. You're driving me insane."

I look up to her, trying to put on a smile. "Sorry. It's not every day I get to go into the hospital to see my best friend get an ultrasound."

She chuckles. "It's something else. Jared," she states.

I nod. "I'm still waiting on him to see what he's found."

Fran chuckles. "He said he's coming in about in ten minutes, just in time for the ultrasound, and then you can ask your questions."

She grabs my hand and I squeeze it.

"Are you nervous?"

She shakes her head. "No. I'm ready. I don't even have a hump yet, but I'm ready."

I laugh. "I meant for the ultrasound."

"Oh." She laughs too. "Yeah, I'm a little nervous, but I'm mostly excited." She stares forward, a gentle smile on her face.

I want to feel her happiness at this moment, but can't seem to. I want so badly to be here right now, but I haven't really left the house in so long, it feels weird not being there. I was on complete lockdown if I was being honest.

Fran pushed me so hard to come, and I didn't want to disappoint her and Jared. And I am a little excited that I am feeling anything other than anxiety at this exact moment.

"Hey." Jared's voice enters the air and I look up to see him walk through the door, his eyes on Fran. She stands immediately, and embraces him. I see him kiss the top of her head, and a pang of longing goes through me.

Jared is all decked out in his outfit, and I smile as I see his badge. I don't think I have ever seen him in full police uniform yet, and I kind of liked it. It suits him.

He looks at me and I stand. I give him a hug, and he whispers in my ear. "I'm glad you're here. Franny wanted you to come so bad."

I pull away, smiling. "I figured you guys would have hauled me out of my house if I said no, so."

They both smile, and we immediately get admitted into the inner workings of the hospital, to a small room. There is a bed for Franny and an ultrasound machine next to it. I take the seat at the end of the bed, and Jared stands next to Fran. We all wait patiently for the nurse to come in.

The nurse comes in after a few moments of waiting and they get started. They put the special putty or whatever it is on Fran's stomach, and we all stare in awe at the ultrasound machine, where you can see the small figure of a baby.

Fran starts to cry, and Jared just kind of looks stunned.

I laugh a little at the shock on his face. He just nudges me.

But then the nurse starts talking about where all the parts to the baby are and explaining a bunch of things that don't make sense to me, so I tune it all out. Besides, it would be plausible I would never be a mother anyway, so I don't need to know.

Jared and Fran are lost in their own little world when they look at the sonogram.

I feel joy for them.

They deserve this baby. After so many things had gone wrong in their relationship, I am glad this is it. They are getting an addition.

It has been over a year since their marriage and I couldn't be any happier for them.

But I still feel as if I haven't shifted from what happened a year ago.

It has only been a few months since Jared started searching. I came to the point where I so desperately wanted Travis back in my life, I asked for Jared's help. If anyone could find him, it was him. I knew he would do it.

It's been four months, and still nothing. We checked around the places where his family lived, but there was nothing. He could be anywhere. He hadn't given us any clue to where he had been going, so all Jared has is security cameras. He is running a search for facial recognition in all the states, but still nothing. He can't look everywhere at one time and I understood that. I just would have thought Travis' face would pop up some time.

"Jeanie?"

I zoom back to real life and look to see three pairs of eyes watching me. "Yeah?"

The nurse smiles. "Do you want to try?"

I shake my head. "No thanks. Jared should though," I say, giving him a wink. If looks could kill, I'd be dead ten times over with the glare he gives me.

I just laugh.

Fran smiles.

We finish up, and we all walk out of there together.

They decide to take me to lunch, and I don't want to say no. So we go to a sit-down restaurant and get a table.

It's now time to ask Jared my questions.

"So... Jared? Anything?"

The look on his face is answer enough, but he elaborates, "No, I'm sorry, he hasn't popped up at all. I'm running most of the searches in places where his family lives, but I still haven't seen anything. I'm thinking he might be where his granddad lives, but so far he hasn't shown his face if he is up there. It's a big state."

I sigh. "It's a big country."

He nods, giving my hand a squeeze. "We'll find him, Jeanie. We will."

I smile, going for happiness. But Fran sees right through it.

Like she usually does.

This was why she's my best friend.

She gives me a kick under the table, which results in an escaped "Ow."

I go to kick her back, but Jared looks at me. "Don't hit the pregnant lady, now, Jeanie," he states, a big smile on his face, but I could tell he was being serious.

Fran looks to Jared. "I'm only eight weeks, Jared. I'm not going to use that as an excuse."

I just smile. I missed them. I missed this.

Jared sighs. "I was kidding. Mostly." He turns to me. "Don't you be picking fights with my wife, Jeanie." He gives me a look, and I stick my tongue out at him.

"Me and Franny have been friends longer than you two have been married," I retort, crossing my arms.

Franny's eyes widen, and she covers her gaping mouth with her hand. Jared just places his hand over his heart in pretend agony.

"That hurt right here, Jeanie. Right here," he exaggerates, patting his hand over his heart. I just roll my eyes.

Fran holds out her fist and I fist it right back.

Jared just looks between the two of us, then his gaze rests on Fran. "You're taking her side?" he asks, in pretending incredulously.

"What she said was true." Fran just shrugs, blowing her husband a kiss.

He catches it, then tosses it.

Fran shakes her head, and I just start laughing.

We eat our food soon after that, and they drop me off at home. I give them both a tight embrace and tell Jared to keep me updated.

Mom is in the house, cooking dinner. I set my purse in my room and started to help her. I told her all about the ultrasound and the lunch date. She seemed pleased I got out today.

"You look better," she comments. "After your little talk with Lucy, I thought you would never leave the house."

I swallow, not really wanting to be reminded of that.

Ever since she came, about a week ago, I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I didn't blame her. How could I, when I had fallen in love with the same man? She did only what she wanted, yes, but I didn't blame her.

I had forgiven her on the spot. I only wish I would have said something before she ran out the door.

I knew I had forgiven her when she mentioned the bullet. I could see in her eyes, the grief, the pain. She must have freaked out when she found out about that. And if she blamed herself for that, no wonder it took so long to come and talk to me.

She left messages too, but I always deleted them. I didn't want to hear her voice. I honestly just wanted her to talk to me in person, and she did. And I applauded her for it. Lucy was always the brave one.

But she beat herself up for so much. I remember that vividly about her.

That bullet wasn't her fault. That was all John.

I look at my Mother. She seemed to be alright. I sometimes forget she suffered from John's hands too, although not as bad as I had. But still, she was married to him. And to find out he was almost a murderer must have been hard.

And I haven't been as considerate to her as she had been to me.

She was a good Mother. She is still a good mother. She doesn't get enough credit for what she's been through.

I stop helping make dinner, walk around the island, and embrace her. She hugs me back too, tightly, until I feel like I can't breathe.

She lets go. "What was that for?"

I smile, "Because I love you. And thank you for taking care of me."

"You don't need to thank me, Lara Jean. I'm your mom. It's my job to take care of you."

We embrace again.

TRAVIS

I load the groceries onto the conveyor belt, smiling at the clerk working the register. She begins to scan each item, putting them into my cart.

It seems I have enough food. I told myself I was only coming down once a month because the climb was way too annoying to come down every week, so I had to stock up.

If only Jared was here to help me do all the heavy lifting.

That was always our thing. The heavy lifting.

The reminder makes me sad for a moment.

Everything got rang up so I paid the lady in cash, and stuff all the food in a bunch of big bags and put them in my car. Then I park my car in an empty parking garage, pay my fee, then keep it there after I grab my wallet, the bags full of groceries, and my car keys.

Then I begin my hike.

The log cabin my dad had bought a few years back held up nicely. And since he decided to rent it out to people, I was fortunate enough to rent it for two years. He let me, without ever knowing who I was.

No need to have him knowing where I am.

The only family that lived here was my grandpa, and even if he had known I was up here, he wouldn't have remembered it. He suffered a stroke a few years back, so his memory hasn't been the same since then.

I thought about visiting. But I decided that was too much. I didn't want to get used to being here, because I had been hoping for the one day when I could go back to Jeanie.

But every day I'm here, it starts to seem less likely.

I thought about it. Just going back to see Jared and Franny. And Jeanie, but I wasn't sure if she would kiss, kill, or slap me. I was hoping for the first one, but again, it seemed less likely.

Oh, how I miss her.

Every day, without her, seems like a marathon. I now understand what she had to go through for a year after I left. But now she had to go through it for another year, although hopefully it was easier this time. This time she didn't really want me to come back, so I guess that was better for her.

And worse for me.

I deserve to be up here, alone, without her.

Lucy told me after I got unhypnotized that there would be side effects. I guess I didn't realize how true her words rang until I got here, and I have to deal with the constant headaches and flashbacks of memories that I don't know are real or not.

But nothing compares to when I sleep.

Night after night, nightmare after nightmare, I relive that day. The day she got shot. In my nightmare, it's ten times worse, and she dies. And I wake every day in a pile of sweat, my stomach full of dread. I have to watch her die every night and wake up and console myself that she's fine.

She's fine.

And hopefully better without me there.

Of course, my thought process rejects that idea, because, well, if I was being honest, I want her to miss me. Because I miss her terribly.

The hill in front of me seems daunting, but I have been climbing it every month for the past year. It helped me build up stamina, but I have never been big into hiking, so it was a whole new ordeal to me.

There is no path for a car to get up there, so I wondered how my dad even rented this place out to people. Who on earth would want to climb this thing every time they went to town? It seems like a nightmare.

I guess the people who rented this place out must have loved hiking.

Maybe that's why he put up no fight renting it to me for two years...

Luckily, I had done it many times, it became easier. But only a little. It doesn't help that I have my arms full of groceries every time I come. If I fell, it was game over. That hundred dollars goes down the drain.

My bank account hasn't liked my stay up here. I have been doing everything I could to keep a job, but it's hard when you're up in the wilderness without wifi and no car. But I had been able to do online stuff, so that helped.

I was still in contact with my last job's boss, and he was willing for me to do some online work for them. So that also gave me some income.

I feel as if I have been hiding out, but honestly, if anyone started looking for me, it shouldn't be too hard. I left my car in a garage full of security cameras, I have to do my taxes every year.

But I tried not to use my credit card though, so that might help with the incognito.

If anything, if Jeanie ever wanted me back, I would take the escape immediately. I would come running back to her in a split second. But since it's been a year, I highly doubt she wants me back now.

I'm just holding out for something that's never going to happen.

I make it to my cabin and put all my food away. All the cold stuff was warm now, and all my freezer stuff was now thawed. It all tastes the same anyway though because I don't know how to cook.

Jeanie taught me a few times, but I hardly remembered those lessons.

It was hard to believe we'd been divorced for two years now.

I hate it.

All I ate up here was a lot of canned food, and sandwiches. You'd think growing up in a house with thirteen younger siblings, I would have learned how to cook food.

But I just thought of the time when I made spaghetti and I didn't drain the water, I just poured the sauce into the steaming soup of spaghetti, stopped me from trying.

That was my first night here. It was a difficult time.

Luckily, with climbing that hill and all the chopping wood, I still remained fit. Mostly.

I work off all those sandwiches and beans.

But then it all reminds me of how fallen apart my life is. Jeanie helped me hold it all together most of the time. I was a mess without her.

The only thing I could do was hope she was a mess without me.

If not, it was going to be a long, lonely life.