When I wake up the next morning with a dry mouth and a lump in my throat I know I made a huge mistake. I'm alone in Finn's room. When I finally locate my phone that is still in my jeans from the night before it's around 10:00am.

Nate's text says from a few minutes ago.

I pull on my clothes and walk into the bathroom looking at my reflection. I'm disgusted with myself. My hair is a disaster of messy curls and my makeup is everywhere. I wash up as best as I can but don't have the energy for much else.

When Maddy and I first arrived at the party last night that was when Nate first informed me of Mom being sent to the hospital. I walked away from Maddy to talk to Nate then came back upset and confused.

"You need a distraction," Maddy said taking a sip from her red cup.

"A distraction?" I asked.

"From whatever the hell is going on. Plus, it's summer."

"What kind of distraction?" I tried to smile because I always smiled at Maddy's crazy ideas, even I could feel how stupid and forced this smile would look to her.

"In the form of a guy, of course." Maddy wiggled her eyebrows up and down then skipped away from me, latching onto the arm of Travis, one of the baseball players that Maddy was very fond of. Anyone was better than Connor.

I decided to find a distraction in the form of alcohol instead that night. I filled up a red cup from the keg by the bonfire. Niko yelled, "Westlyn's back!" So I held up my cup and took a sip. Because this is what I used to do. I used to be like Maddy. Drinking and kissing and having fun. But it wasn't real fun, it was fake and tiring.

What Maddy doesn't realize is I've been distracting myself for a long time and only recently decided not to. Distractions do not solve problems they cause more. But they are so freaking nice in the moment that it is hard to remember the outcomes.

And last night I found my distraction in Finn.

***

"How was your night?" Nate asks when I finally make it to the hospital.

"Sucked."

"Awesome," Nate smiles and leads me towards Mom's room in silence.

She looks so unbelievably small in the twin sized bed. She has tubes coming out her nose, arms, and I can see all her veins through her paper thin skin. She's sleeping, which is so rare for her in the middle of the day and I think that scares me more than all of the equipment.

"You must be Westlyn?" The nurse says checking Mom's vitals while writing them on her chart. I nod.

"Your mom is strong. She still has options," The nurse pats my shoulder as she walks out of the room.

I sit on the chair with my head in my hands and breathe deeply attempting to keep the tears at bay. She is so stubborn and so set in her ways that I know her time is coming to an end.

People says that it is easier to let someone go when they're sick because they know it's coming but I don't think that's true.

Maybe if you saw that person fighting with all they had to stay alive and you watched them suffer it could be true, but in this case it's just a joke. Mom dying will be her way of saying she couldn't give a shit about us.

She is choosing to let the cancer take over her body. She is choosing to leave Nate and I.

So I am choosing to leave her. Right now.

"Where are you going?" Nate asks when I walk towards the door.

"Tell her that I can't watch her die. If she decides to give chemo a try, let me know," I say in a weak voice.

"West," Nate warns.

"No," I say right before a sob escapes my throat.

I walk a bit further down the hallway more towards the waiting room before crumbling to the floor in a pathetic pile of limbs and sob into my knees. I can't think straight with the tears pouring from my eyes, my hands are shaking, my head is pounding.

"Westlyn," I hear from right above me. I somehow find the strength to life my head to see Finn standing over me. He sits down next to me, wraps his arm tightly around my shoulder, letting me cry on his shoulder. I'm a snotty mess but I guess he's used to grossness on his shoulders from Peyton.

"What happened?" He asks.

"I don't want to talk," I manage to say with a shaky voice.

"Can you take me to my car. It's still at the field?"

"How did you get here?" He asks.

"Cab."

He nods, helps me stand up, and we walk out of the hospital his arm still around my shoulder.

We are completely silent on the way the field, the music playing softly in the background.

"Where's P?" I ask.

"Maddy has her."

I nod.

He walks me towards my car and says, "are you okay to drive?" His blue eyes are so sincere, I place my hand on his cheek and he kisses my palm. I stand on my toes to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him softer than I did last night. His arms fall around my waist.

I try to lose myself in Finn again.