Throughout another week, I continue to have more therapy sessions and they allow Delly to eat lunch with me. During the nights, glimpses of memories come back to me in my dreams. Sometimes nightmares come instead, but I can't tell what's a memory and what's a nightmare.

Every dream I have about Katniss is just as confusing as the next. I can now only guess her intentions by judging on her attitude in our recent meeting. It really made me remember a lot, I can remember how stubborn and defensive she was, also her lack of charm and humor. I also remember how she would switch between me and Gale, kissing one then the other the very next day. I had felt so acceptive at the time, like I knew she'd truly loved Gale and not me, yet I didn't let her or even myself acknowledge how much it really bothered me. I don't know what held me back, but I do remember the jealously very well. Gale is stronger, taller, better-looking... they were childhood friends and hunting partners, why would she ever choose me over him? Every look of care and concern for him overpowers all the fake ones she gave me. I noticed that especially on the day Gale was whipped in the square.

I'd accepted it all, but then she had to make it so hard by doing things like asking me to stay with her during those nights on the train. I was so hopelessly in love, anything I'd felt besides that was forgotten the second she was in my arms. But now I wonder, why did she ask me to do that if she didn't really love me? After all that time we spent cuddling on the train, wouldn't it mean something afterwards? But no, she went running back to Gale, she always did. It meant something to me, but now I realize that I was just being used, she didn't feel the same way. It makes me so angry, all those feelings I'd had, wasted on a girl who didn't care nearly as much. Did any of it mean anything to her?

"Peeta? Will you stay with me?"

"Always."

It doesn't matter anymore. She's probably with Gale now, they can go off together all they want now without me to hold them back. Any guilt she might've felt before shouldn't be a problem now. For some reason these thoughts don't cheer me up, they only make me angrier.

-

In the therapy sessions, they tell me to speak my mind,

"Don't hide your thoughts." Dr. Salvo said. "They shouldn't be trapped in your head. Talk even when when nobody is around, and talk as if no one is around. Im sure it'll help you sort out your feelings. Maybe it'll help you figure out what you're really thinking."

It started with whispers under my breath, then it turned into aggressive arguments with myself, just a bunch of questioning and answering, exactly like what goes on in my mind. Maybe this happens because I'm so unsure about everything. Some of the nurses caught me furiously whispering to myself one time, they gave me furtive glances, then immediately pretended that it didn't happen. I hadn't realized what happened until after it happened. After a week, it started to become a bad habit, another thing I can't control. I became uncomfortable with the thought of others knowing everything I'm thinking, so now I'm trying to get rid of this new habit as much as I can.

Delly's visits are now my favorite part of the day. She would always be her preppy self, acting as if the country isn't tearing itself apart. Our conversations aren't as monitored as the very first one was. She fills me in the best she can on any questions I ask, even the ones about Katniss. She's so cheery and brings joy in everything she says, she hasn't changed at all, but we don't talk the way we used to any more, it's very different, and I can't figure out why.

Every time I bring up Katniss anything she says becomes defensive, so now I try to stay away from the subject. The only thing that bothers me is that glimmer of pity in her expression when she looks at me, as if I were a lost puppy. Everyone gives me this look, it's annoying and infuriating to me, I do not wish to feel so pathetic. Am I really that pathetic?

It is pretty pathetic that every day I have to take meds just to keep my emotions under control, and that I've only left this room once. I asked Dr. Salvo about this, she told me that I'm doing better, and I might be able to walk around in public again soon, but that's all she said. I begged her to let me out again at least once until she finally agreed,

"Fine, one meal, you can go tomorrow at noon."

So at noon the next day, they lead me to the cafeteria to eat lunch, two guards are walking close behind me and a fresh set of cuffs are shackled to my wrists. It's hard to hold onto the lunch tray with them weighing down my hands, but I can somehow manage. As soon as I walk into the cafeteria, I can feel a dozen eyes glaring at me. I guess my life-threatening warning that saved their lives wasn't enough for them. I grudgingly ignore their stares, there's no way any of them would want me sitting at their tables. For a second I'm stuck, immediately regretting this whole thing, what was I thinking? No one would want to sit with me, they all think I'm some traitorous maniac. Then I see Delly's blonde head across the room, she's sitting with Finnick, Annie, Johanna and... Katniss, with Gale by her side.

I hesitate, then force my feet in their direction. As I'm walking towards them, a guard lightly grasps my shoulder, halting me to a stop.

"Mr. Mellark, if you wish to sit at that specific table, you must have direct permission from them first. These are orders we must follow." He says firmly.

I don't respond, I just nod my head slightly and turn back around, ignoring the immediate annoyance that invades my mind. They don't trust me.

I stop at the empty seat next to Johanna, Delly is the one who sees me first,

"Peeta!" She says, "It's so nice to see you out... and about."

Delly's bright eyes flicker over at Katniss, who looks up and stares at me. Johanna turns around and examines my handcuffs,

"What's with the fancy bracelets?" She asks.

"I'm not quite trustworthy yet," I reply. "I can't even sit here without your permission." I nudge my head to side, indicating the guards behind me.

"Sure, he can sit here. We're old friends." Says Johanna, as she pats the seat with her hand. I look to the guards for assurance and they nod their heads.

"Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams." Johanna says as I sit down. I wasn't expecting that kind of comment, I only tense up for a second at the mention of the memory, but I just stare at the food on the lunch tray.

I never thought that Johanna could hear anything going on my cell, it seems obvious now that she could since I could hear everything in hers, but I just never thought of it. It's strange to sit with her now, we'd been prisoners in the Capitol, together yet not together, we waited for death and longed for death, we'd witnessed and heard the terrors of that prison, as well as each other's, and after all of that, now we're just sitting here at a lunch table. The others obviously find her comment out of line, Annie turns away and covers her ears while the others exchange surprised glances.

Johanna just shrugs, "What? My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy."

I wonder if her head doctor is Dr. Salvo too, since I got the same instructions for my own therapy. It's obvious to me that I've sucked the life out of this group the minute I sat down. There's a long and awkward silence, I play with my food with the spoon in my hand. Finally Delly speaks up,

"Annie," she says brightly, "did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing."

Annie looks over at me with her light amber eyes that are usually lost to the world, her gaze is full of thankfulness and I instantly know she loved the cake.

"Thank you Peeta, it was beautiful." She says in her small voice. I crack a smile,

"My pleasure, Annie." I say, and I mean it. Suddenly I'm more aware of Katniss's eyes gazing at me as well, I don't look over.

"If we're going to fit in that walk, we better go," Finnick tells Annie as they stand up. He stacks Annie's tray on top of his own and looks up at me,

"Good seeing you, Peeta."

I don't know what came over me, I don't if it was my recent anger at Finnick and his possible betrayal or if it was the full awareness of Katniss watching me, what I say is meant to offend in a way that offends who I want to offend, and I don't feel bad about it in the slightest.

"You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you." I say it jokingly, which might even rattle them even more. However insulted they feel is deserved. But Finnick just chuckles,

"Oh Peeta," he says lightly, "Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart." Then he leads Annie away, leaving me feeling slightly agitated. I force my eyes back on the lunch tray, until Delly speaks up again,

"He did save your life Peeta. More than once."

"For her," I say irritably, glaring at Katniss. "For the rebellion. Not for me, I don't owe him anything."

"Maybe not. But Mags is dead and you're still here. That should count for something." Katniss says, she's staring at me with ferocious eyes and a questioning expression.

"Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss." I shoot back bitterly, anger resurfacing. "I've got some memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance."

She looks away, unsure what to say because I'm right. Gale looks at her with concern, trying to be supportive but also doesn't know what to say.

Look at them, so free in their relationship now that I'm not a problem anymore.

A certain bitterness floods my mind, anger still lingers. I make a little gesture with the spoon in my hand towards them,

"So, are you two officially a couple now or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lover thing?" I ask.

"Still dragging." Johanna says beside me.

Ugh, it was an act, it was fake, none of it was real, why can't it just be over? Why can't they just leave it? I'm done with it. She's not worth it.

My hands start to tremble like they always do when I get this upset and anger shoots through me like a spray of bullets. I force my eyes away from everyone, and try to think of something else, but it's hard, every part of me wants to strangle again.

I've learned that reminding myself of the Capitol's lies does not help, it only makes me angrier. So I think of the swirly colors of the icing that I blended onto the wedding cake, it reminds me of the peaceful state of mind that I was in when doing it. Such peacefulness and concentration.

It works, I tighten my hands into fists until my anger is finally restrained. I take a deep breath, and for a moment I forget that I'm around other people. When I open my eyes to see their astonished expressions, a tinge of anger comes back. I wonder if the guards noticed my sudden episode, but they don't say or do anything behind me, I don't think they want to be here doing this job.

Katniss forces her eyes onto her tray, Johanna continues eating as if she sees this type of thing everyday, Delly looks at me pitifully, and quickly flicks her eyes away when I look back at her. Gale blatantly stares at me with an observatory look, kind of like the ones the doctors and nurses give me before they jot down a few notes on their clipboards, it angers me, I'm not some experiment. Gale might notice my increasing anger, but he only stares longer, then just simply says,

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself."

"What's that?" I ask him,

"You," Gale answers.

"You'll have to be more specific, what about me?" I ask imploringly, furrowing my eyebrows together. Every word I speak is edged with a tinge of rage.

Johanna is the one who replies,

"That they've replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself,"

For some reason, that hit me like a punch in the stomach. I stare at my stew, the spoon falls out of my hand and clatters onto the tray. I stare long enough not to notice Katniss and Gale get up and leave the table. After they leave, Delly erupts into a squeaky fit that reminds me faintly of Effie.

"That was so rude Peeta! I can't believe you said those things to them, they are your friends!" She scolds.

"I'm sorry." I say quietly, now staring blankly at my cuffs. Suddenly I feel thoroughly defensive but a streak of guilt fights against it.

"Everything I said was true and they couldn't deny it." I say, before Delly could say anything else back, my mind is unknowingly being poured out in the open, and I don't realize it until it's over.

"It's not their fault. I can't lie to myself. No, I can't blame them. What's happened to me? Maybe they're right. No, no, no, it's not true, they're wrong, it's not true. But..."

Hands clamp over my shoulders and guide me away from the table, I can feel dozens of buzzing eyes staring at me as I'm being lead to the exit. I'm getting dizzy, whispers tumble out of my mouth.

No, stop it, I can't do this anymore, just stop it.

They're leading me back to the hospital room.

No, wait, I left my lunch at the table, I never ate any of it, I have to go back.

I turn around, hands try to stop me, I shove them away aggressively, a needle pierces my neck, my limbs grow numb, the room is spinning, my vision turns dark.

-

A roof appears, as well as a night sky, an overhead city view, and a girl sitting across from me. Katniss.

I can hear my own voice talking to her, she looks at me normally, not pitifully or observantly, but normally.

My own voice booms in my ears,

"I don't want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind of monster that I'm not.

Katniss bites her lip, her grey eyes are locked on to me with confusion,

"Do you mean you won't kill anyone?" She asks.

"No, when the time comes, I'm sure I'll kill just like everybody else. I can't go down without a fight. Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to... to show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece in their Games."

The scene fades away in sweeping colors, leaving me with an alarming sense of failure. I am everything I hoped not to be, I've done nothing to prove to myself or anyone that I'm not to be owned or that I won't go down without a fight. And they really did turn me into some monster. This isn't who I am or ever wanted to be, they've done much worse than death. They've stripped me of everything I had to be proud of and turned it all into something to be ashamed of. They destroyed everything I had left from my past.

There's no way I am still Peeta Mellark.

And there's no way the Capitol will get away with this easily.