Ali's POV:

Sitting in the car with Jim wasn't the most relaxing of journeys, I longed for isolation, I craved a normal life without any drama or secrets, why can't I just take the last few years back? Never meet Alfie or Caspar or the twins or Dan and Phil just everyone?

Jim offered to drive for the both of us since I was in a less than safe state after what happened at the service station Jim had to take me somewhere quiet where I could break down and he alone for a few minutes. That was one of the worse cases I've had, I felt completely useless, as if I had no energy to even fight the feeling so I let it consume me, take over me leaving the girl I once was, replacing her with the nervous wreck I am now.

The same few thoughts circled my mind and the same horrifying images replayed like a video every time I blinked or tried to see, I knew by now sleep would be no good, sleep makes you defenseless and vulnerable to nightmares that happen in real life, until I'm home I shouldn't sleep. Most of my thoughts were about Caspar, how things used to be so different, if I could go on my phone right now, and look at all the photos we had together and how happy we seemed, I'm glad I never told him the truth, as I would've had my heart broken either way.

Flashback:

"Yeah they're coming today, I cannot wait to see them." I told Jim down the phone, today I would be seeing my siblings, Alfie and Caspar. And it was fair enough to say I couldn't be more excited to see them, but the one person whose face kept following me was Alfie's. The last time I saw Alfie was when I was visiting Zoe and Alfie was his usual self, I ignored the thoughts and screaming voices in my mind and never mentioned the incident to him, trying to make things seem as if nothing had ever happened, and still to Zoe's belief nothing ever did.

"Guessing you're excited to see them, or should I say him?" Jim chuckled through the phone and I felt a blush creep it's way into my cheeks, Jim knew for a while that I've had this small crush of Caspar, it's something that suddenly hit me like a tonne of bricks, he was my brothers best friend and treated me like a sibling. Always looking out for me but since that night I felt things change, a shift in our status or labels for each other. No longer did I view him as my brothers best friend or a friend of my own, but I saw him as someone I deeply cared for, and would do anything to make him happy.

"Maybe I am, but it's not like I'm going to do anything about it anytime soon."

"Well you should, just make sure you pick the right moment, you don't want to go and scare him." What if I did? Scare Caspar with my feelings towards him and he ends up hating me because of it. The thought of him hating me made my heart pang, shortly after I finished the phone call with Jim as I had to get moving to the station.

On the way there I had Bastille blasting through the speakers as I tried to distract myself from thinking about Caspar too much, instead something strange began to happen instead.

"He wouldn't feel the same way."

"Why would he like you?"

"What's so great about you and not everyone else who he's met?"

I shook off the thoughts of denial but they kept making their way back into my mind, just in time to pick Joe and Caspar up. Nervously I checked how I looked in the mirror and put on some lip balm and a tiny bit more mascara, then deciding I looked decent enough I got out and headed to the main entrance.

As all of the people around me began to be reunited I felt another slight twitch inside of me, how happy and relieved they all seemed to be together again, that's what I want, for someone to look at me in that way with such longing-ness and happiness that we are together once again, a girl can dream. Patiently I waited slightly longer as couples around me dispersed, as a new wave of people entered.

Just as I was about to give in and call Joe I saw blonde hair it could be him? But I can't see his face, I don't want to hug some random stranger and freak them out. He turned around and I felt my heart go warm as well as my cheeks, I could see my feet moving without my brains consent, and before I knew it I was running and yelling.

"CASPAR!" I yelled not realising how loud I was until I attached myself to him, burying my head into his chest, how I missed him and the scent of his aftershave, damn why does he have this effect on me?

He rightly hugged back, refusing to let go. If only we could stay like this forever, very cliche and impractical but it would mean I'd never have to leave his side. "Hey Ali, missed me much?" He chuckled.

I felt like now would be the best time to pull away, and as I felt my hands untangled themselves from his back, and my chest away from his I felt vacant but obviously I couldn't let that show, already my cheeks were bright pink.

He seemed to be looking over me and smiling, I tucked my hair behind my ear. "Just a little bit." I beamed to him, playing with the cuffs of my jumper.

Turning to face Joe who waited for a welcoming of his own, there's only one way I can in classic Sugg style. "Sup broseph?" I gave him a hug and he rubbed my back caringly, it's been far too long since we had a family reunion.

"Sup Sali." I smiled to myself at our weird jokes we always had growing up and the various nicknames we adopted over the years from family.

We stand there in silence as Joe and Caspar have their hands full with luggage, I should at least offer to help, its only the good thing to do right? "Casp, at least give me something to take a hold of so I don't look like I'm being impolite." I chuckled and grabbed a slightly big suitcase by accident, brushing my hand against his as he released the suitcase from his grasp. It was a lot heavier than I expected it to be and I had to play this off cool, as if this thing didn't weigh a bloody tonne.

Directing the three of us to my car I made general conversation, asking how the journey was and acting as if Caspar didn't have this strange force over me, all I wanted to do was sit with him and talk about anything and nothing, it was weird thinking about it but it was true.

As I helped the guys get their things into the boot Caspar closed it for me and I brightly smiled to him, not the smile I use when I'm uncomfortable or my perfected fake smile but the genuine one I preserve for special occasions. Heading out of the train station Joe filled the car with his own voice, he explained to me all about his latest projects and his videos he has been working on which sound great, he told me I could watch one of them later since I don't watch them myself on a regular basis. "I'm glad you're here Joe, and you too Caspar." I smiled and looked into my mirror, seeing Caspar looking back to me I wiggled my eyebrows causing him to smile.

His smile that made me feel uneasy slightly, but at the same time as if I had enough energy and will power to run up a mountain or maybe up the stairs as a more realistic expectation. Suddenly remembering I was at the wheel and responsible for two other lives I moved the wheel back and stopped moving too far to the left where we would've inevitably crashed, not everyone's a perfect driver.

"THERE'S A HOLE IN MY SOUL, I CAN'T FILL IT I CAN'T FILL IT" My ring tone begins to go off loudly and I signal to Caspar for him to find it in my bag, he reaches down and searches for a moment or two, hoping he could find it in amongst all of the rubbish and useless stuff I kept in my bag for no apparent reason.

"It's Zoe." He told me and I let him answer it but he put it onto speaker phone for me and Joe so we could talk to our sister.

"Hey Zoe!" I said enthusiastically, purposefully ignoring the fact that there is a liar sat next to her.

"Hi Ali, we'll be another hour or so, Alfie's been delayed for some reason but do you need anything from the shops on route to you?" She asked, of course Alfie has been delayed and I give Caspar a look who reads it loud and clear.

I decide to remain calm, I can't have my siblings know I feel uncomfortable by any means, my job is to be sensible here, be an adult and not childish. "I think I've got everything that's needed, but if you bring some dessert with you? Anything will do I'm not fussed." I told her and let Joe talk to Zoe for a while as Alfie from that night filled my mind.

'Don't be such a liar'

'This isn't a wise choice'

'You should've told the truth whilst you had the chance'

Negative thoughts fill my mind, blocking out the conversations around me I give Caspar a glance but he is looking in the opposite direction, letting out a sigh I shut the voices out, focusing on the route I'm going, seeing we'll be at my place in less than ten minutes.

By the time we turn to mine and Jess' place I feel worn out, it's not that I didn't sleep I just don't like having all of Alfie's guilt on my shoulders, being dishonest like this. Maybe I should visit my doctor about my medication soon, but that's not important for now, I've got guests to entertain. Showing Caspar and Joe the available spaces I made for everyone Joe quickly offers to take the sofa bed.

"I'll sleep on the sofa bed." Joe volunteers, "I know how you like your sleep mate." He pats Caspar's shoulder in consideration and I smile to at the both of them, I lead Caspar up to the bedroom where he will be staying, he follows helping me bring up his stuff whilst Joe busies himself making some drinks for the three of us.

Half way up the stairs Caspar speaks up, "We need to talk about the thing." I freeze on the stairs, thank goodness he spoke up about it now whilst we have some time. I turn to face him as he looks worried.

"We don't have much time." Making my way to the banister to see if Joe was still making drinks and luckily he was I glanced back to Caspar, we quickly walked up the stairs dropping the bags and I grab a hold of his hand. "Follow me." I smile caringly and he simply nods without hesitation.

I shut my door behind me and sat on my bed whilst Caspar looked around, seeing where I basically spend all of my free time, "Your room I'm guessing." He asks, yet all I can do is nod, I wanted to tell him my design ideas for my room and how it came to be this, the stories and accidents that happened when decorating but why would he care?

He sat down on my bed near me but I didn't look up, if I look up all I'll want to do is hug him and never let go. "Hey, cheer up, your favourite South African is in your house." He nudged my arm and this made me crack, I smiled to myself at his attempt of a joke.

Looking up to him I could feel the tears forming in my eyes and I tuck the loose hairs behind my ears, letting tears fall freely from my eyes, Caspar moves closer wiping the tears away, keeping his hand on my cheek, looking deep into my eyes. I let out a sigh but quickly tear my head away, I can't afford to do this, not now. "I want to tell Zoe." I let my thoughts out, only loud enough for Caspar to hear though, for him to at least acknowledge my ideas.

"If that's what you want to do I'm all for helping you." We both stood up and shared a small hug, the tears formed in my eyes again but Caspar made his way out of my room, giving me a chance to make myself more presentable.

He stood in the doorway ensuring I was alright, we both knew it was a lie. "I'm fine Casp." I told him then closed the door, separating us leaving me the chance to let my tears fall and me to weep silently.

Soon enough I heard someone open the door, and hearing laughter and knowing straight away who it was, I frantically began to get ready, trying to persuade everyone I was alright. Quickly grabbing a hold of a striped black top I slip out of the one I was in and then the door opened and I screamed. "Caspar! I was changing my top! Always, always knock loudly first!" I yelled to him in a rather irritated manner, once I had put my top on I walked out glaring to Caspar who looked like a hurt puppy.

He played with his thumbs, "I just came to say everyone's here that's all." He said quietly and in a rather shy way, how unlike his usual confident self.

Rolling my eyes I adjusted my top and put on my best fake smile and showed Caspar, "How do I look?" I asked twirling then managed to loose my balance making my twirl a lot less elegant.

"Beautiful." He said and I felt myself blush brightly, quickly walking past him and headed straight downstairs without any other words being exchanged.

Walking into the living room Zoe gets all excited and runs towards me hugging me tightly, giving me all sorts of compliments and I feel my smile becoming less fake and more genuine, that is until I have to greet Alfie. I greet him in the same way I normally do, giving him a hug like I would with any other 'friend.' We all sit down and Zoe and Alfie discuss what they've been up to lately, about decorating the house and also the projects they've been working on, I feel myself zone out focusing on Nala whilst she runs around frantically. If only I could be Nala, not having to worry about other peoples personal lives and the biggest issue is when I'm having my dinner.

"Nala, come here girl." I call for her and she jumps up onto my lap, Joe talks to the others for a while about YouTube stuff and once they are finished I suggest watching a film, walking towards the film rack Jess brought last month.

They all agree on a horror film, although I hate them it will give me a reason to leave at some point or for most of the film instead. As we all get settled down to watch it I can see Zoe and Alfie getting all cuddly, we ended up choosing The Conjuring, which I truly hate. As it approaches to one of the worst scenes I excuse myself, walking up the stairs to have some time alone, not wanting to see Zoe cuddle into Alfie for comfort when I know he has been doing the same thing with a whole other person a matter of hours ago.

After a while I can see a light coming up the stairs, I hope this is Caspar, I grab a hold of the persons shirt pulling them into Jess' room, seeing it is Caspar and he was inches away from my face, I smiled brightly, relieved it was in fact him. He turned the lights on and I couldn't stop the smile on my face, his reaction was so funny. "You nearly gave me a heart attack!" He whisper/yelled to me and I let out a small laugh.

Revenge is always fun. "That's for what you did earlier." I stuck my tongue out to him and walked towards the freshly made bed, he followed and sat next to me.

"Why didn't you come back?" He asked, sounding concerned which was strange to hear from Caspar who tends to be joking all the time.

I couldn't lie to him, not now. "As I knew you would be the first one to come and check if I was okay once I was gone long enough." I played with the hem of my top, hoping he would reply soon.

"Why me?" He asked out of pure curiosity, if only I could give him that look, the one that tells him everything or just kiss him to prove my point but no, I'm not that girl.

"Cause you care about me, you're one of my best friends." Why did I say that? Best friend? I basically friend zoned us.

Hoping he would move away from the topic soon enough as I sat contemplating on how I could tell Zoe the truth, not that it'll be an easy thing to do by any means. "Are you going to tell her?" He asks and I get up, moving to my own room where I have more space to pace around and clear my head.

He follows me and sits on my bed as I aimlessly pace. "If I don't this will only escalate and get worse, if I don't tell Zoe whilst she's hear who knows what he will do next with her? What if him and what's her face Niomi meet again? And we are powerless against them?!" My voice becomes louder and I hear a floorboard outside creak, I give Caspar a knowing look for him to remain silent and he obeys without questioning.

I swallow the hard lump in my throat opening the door to see Alfie, my mind stops processing thoughts and fear over takes me, I can feel the colour draining from my face. "Hey guys, Zoe wants to know if you want anything to drink? Coffee, tea, poison?" I glance to Caspar, he can see how scared I am and he walks towards me, Alfie laughs at his own joke whilst we remain silent. "Oh that last one was just a joke guys, lighten up."

"We're alright mate, thanks." Caspar speaks up and Alfie walks off back down the stairs, once we are fully sure he is gone I begin to get very scared and ramble all sorts of scenarios that play in my mind as I pace.

After a while of me shaking Caspar stands up and holds me close, I stop rambling and my shakes calm down, I felt more at peace, relaxed almost. As if being in his arms stopped the pain and horror that played on my mind, even if it was a temporary solution. We stood there for quite a while, long enough for me to become very tired. "I'm really tired Caspar, I think I'm going to sleep, I'll think more clearly about this in the morning." I rub my eyes which have little makeup left on them since most of it is on my cheeks and under my eyes right now, but Caspar doesn't seem to care.

"Okay, goodnight Ali." He tells me walking to the door getting one last look at me and I wave collapsing into my bed as he turns the light off. My eyes immediately feel heavy and I slept easily for the whole night.

End of flashback.

Unknown to me then Alfie had Caspar wrapped around his finger, maybe Caspar being close to me was his way of showing Alfie he was worthy to do his deeds. Jim played the radio which had smooth jazz on which I always found relaxing and as it got dark I could see familiar sights as we got closer to my mums house, and I couldn't be happier to be away from all of it now. Jim soon stopped and I got out running straight to the door and my mum opened it greeting me with a big hug. "Alison!" My mum hugged me tightly and I started crying, she pulled away looking at me and guided me inside. "Come on, tell me all about it." Jim followed with our bags.

My mum liked Jim, she always said he was a polite fellow and treated me well, he was a true friend that should be cherished etc etc. She was more than happy to have him stay for a day or two and so was I, I don't think explaining this would be easy without his help, and what I do tell as well is difficult. "Mum?" I spoke up as she made some tea and Jim was in the bathroom.

She turned around and faced me. "Whats up love?"

"I think I need some help, its about Alfie. He hasn't been entirely honest with Zoe." I started, she made the tea and sat down on stool in the kitchen whilst I was situated on an upright chair, fiddling with my ring.

"What has he done?" Concern filled her voice, I couldn't take this back now.

"I feel like I need dad to be here too, sorry mum." I told her, if I have to tell this story neither of them should hear it first and the other have to follow. She simply nodded, and handed me the phone. Dad said he could make it in a few hours, I told mum about another situation which played on my mind.

"Something else bothering you Ali?" Mum asks and I simply nod.

"Do you know a Peter Mitchell?" I ask and she fidgets, stiffening up, this alerts me that something is wrong and I feel myself go cold, who was this person.

"Where did you hear that name?" Her tone adjusts, sounding more confused and upset.