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Mama Laurie's been on my mind all day, I miss her so much. Some days I'd go in her room and sleep just to feel close to her.

She had a brain aneurysm and was diagnosed too late. There was nothing they could do. She was in the aneurysm subarachnoid hemorrhage stage already when we got to the hospital. She ignored a lot of the symptoms until the pain was unbearable. She had these really bad headaches and was sensitive to light. She'd also be nauseous and sometimes faint.

I found her crying in her closet curled up in a ball. I immediately yelled and ran down stairs to get Mikey, while dialing 911. The ambulance came they checked her then rushed her to the hospital. I road with her and Mikey was right behind. As soon as we got there they rushed her back, and that was it. She died on the table. The Doctor came out notifying us of what happened. If she had gone in for a check up this maybe could've been prevented. I know not to think like that though.

A lot of our family flew in from Nairobi for the funeral, some we've only met a few times. They don't really travel to this country much. We were all there to support each other. Over the years they've tried to get to know us as best as they could. We visited once a year. I always love it especially visiting mama Laurie's twin sister aunt Anitah and uncle Benson.

Today we went to settle my grandmothers will. She basically had everything already in our names. My grandma Laurie's dance studios was left to me, some other investments left to Mikey. The house and the cars was left to my brother and I as well. She also had accounts in place for the both of us with very large amounts. I'm grateful, but I just miss her.

It's been a crazy week but the first week of school is down. I can breath a little now. The countdown begins for graduation.

I'm also pissed because mama Laurie left us these vehicles and I'm not aloud to drive any. My brother won't budge, if she was still here she would try convincing him.

"What's wrong with you, you're still pouting?" Mikey humorously questioned, leaning on the island in the kitchen.

"I just don't know why I can't drive still, I have my license and I'm responsible. I've never done anything to make you not trust me. I'm almost eighteen, I don't understand you sometimes." I elevated my voice immensely. He stood quiet listening. "You don't talk to me about anything, why can't I just drive one of the cars outside?"

"I'm not trying to be an ass, but I said no Rai. Lets just leave it at that." He spoke calmly which resulted in me rolling my eyes.

I just walked away, heading back upstairs to my room. I'm really pissed, I feel like nothings ever going to change around here. If it wasn't for Mama Laurie I probably wouldn't even have my license. If I could drive I would be able to commute easily without any problems. I hate relying on my brother to take me everywhere.

As I got comfortable on my bed, I heard a new voice down stairs. It was Adrian. I hopped up running out of my room. I made myself comfortable seated at the top of the stairs so I could hear them clearly. I did this a lot growing up, I just love being around his presence.

"What's up, you look irritated?" Adrian asked.

"Nothing, it's just Raina's pissed at me. Any little disagreement between us is major these days. Especially with mama Laurie gone and me having to do this by myself."

"What disagreement?"

Mikey sighed loudly. "She's just growing up and this shits not easy. I trust her, it's these other people out here in this world I can't trust. She basically wants me to let up a little bit. Like I said dealing with her on my own since Mama Laurie past, it's been a tough adjustment. I've been trying to make sure nothing slips through the cracks, not again." He stopped catching himself, I could hear his frustration building up in his voice.

"Whatchu' mean?" Adrian asked quickly.

It got quiet, as I was about to get up to rushed down stairs but Mikey spoke.

"Nothing —shit was out of my control." He hesitated.

Both were quiet for a few moments. I waited to hear what was next, hoping he doesn't continue this conversation. Last thing I want is Adrian knowing my personal business.

"Look I'm going to say something to you. You might not want to hear it, but you need to hear it loud and clear." Adrian paused I'm assuming to see if Mikey was ok with him continuing on.

"I don't know what you and your sisters been through before you got here. I've never asked and I understood that everything unsaid does not need to be said or explained. At least not to me. So I won't push it. What I do know is that you have to trust the work you and mama Laurie put in. Y'all did good, your sister is doing well. Stays out of trouble, —in fact has never been in trouble come to think of it. Also she's very wise, always making good choices. I understand it's scary and I hate that I'm the one telling you this." He paused.

"You have to have faith and firmly believe in it. I mean that shit from the bottom of my heart. Either that or you're going to stay stuck in this same damn conversation, y'all been repeating for years now." Adrian genuinely stated.

There was a another pause, Mikey doesn't have anything to say. So maybe what Adrain said to him got him thinking. Thank you Adrian.

"Well I'ma leave and let you process this, I got your back Mike. Don't even sweat it."

"Aight."

"Oh and what was that you needed earlier?" Adrian remembered.

"Right, it was just about some chick name Red doll or something close to it was asking about you. Leah told me. She was wanting to link back up with you again. She said she sent you a friend request or something."

Red Doll, who is that? Goes to Leahs page to look her up right now as they continue to speak.

"Nah I'm good, I thought I already handled that."

"Well apparently she said she had a good time with you soooo."

"Man chill with all that, —no thank you. I'm good." He laughed.

Their volume decreased, I could no longer hear the conversation. I scrolled through my phone looking at this woman name Red Doll, AKA Dani Whites social media. Wow, she's pretty. Her booty look a tad bit enhanced but it's nice. She could've gone smaller. Who am I kidding, it's probably real. Some of these videos of her dancing, shows her skills. She definitely has some, put my little twerking sessions to shame.

Maybe this is his type. Sigh.

I sat staring at my phone while my brother was saying goodbye to Adrian.

"Think about what I said for real Mike. I'm about to head home myself and finally get all that stuff I've been dreading to clean out in the garage."

"Aight A3."

After hearing the door shut I went back to my room, and plopped down on my bed.

It breaks my heart to hear my brother's so stressed out like this. I never want to be the cause of someone else's stress. I do believe he's done a great job with me. I'm grateful, he sacrificed his youth to help me. Even when he was away in college. He was home every chance he got and when he was away all he did was worry about me. He stayed on mama Laurie, she even grew tired but she understood. He had a list for me to follow and made sure my schedule was full. He was paranoid. Mama Laurie helped him to loosen up some over the years. She even convinced him to let me go on weekend getaways for girl trips with her and my best friend Sienna. She wanted to give us a break from being around each other so much.

I think apart of the reason why he won't give Leah a chance is because of me. My brother is in love with her and he claims its because of her occupation as to why they can't and won't ever be. That might be part of it. The other part is that he just doesn't want any focus off of me. Leah loves Mikey just as much as he does her. I'm pretty sure they could easily work something out. He's already grown attached to KJ, her son. Well that's not hard to do KJ's a sweetheart. Mama Laurie loved her and KJ too. She always felt like they would take the next step in due time.

I can't be selfish in this moment, our system we have now has been working. I need to trust this process too. He's gotten me this far so he obviously knows something. It's bittersweet though.

I don't even trust myself sometimes. How do I know if I'm doing the right thing or not without the help and guidance from my brother? I'll be eighteen next year so I need to stay focused, I've come too far. I won't let my past destroy my future. I just don't want to mess up, my grandma and brother have invested so much into me.

Knock, knock.

"Come in."

"Hey." Mikey spoke above a whisper with his head down.

"Hey."

"I need to talk to you."

"Ok." I nodded my head sincerely.

"You're growing up on me and I don't know how to let you go. Not even the slightest bit, so you can go out and experience life." He said finally looking up at me. "It's not going to be easy and I need you to work with me."

I nodded my head, not knowing how to deal with my brother expressing his emotions, this is so foreign to me. Seeing him like this. Moments like these make me the most nervous. Just as much as he want to be there for me and make sure I'm good I want the same thing for him.

"We came along way, and nobody can understand that better than us." I nodded agreeing, remaining quiet.

"So if you want to take one of the cars to and from school. Then to and from your extra curricular activities I'm ok with that." He exhaled. "All I ask is that you be upfront with me, don't lie to me."

I smiled nodding.

"Thank you, it's just now I'm not even sure I'm ready. What if I mess up, straying away from our daily routine? Last thing I want to do is change things and then everything goes down hill. How do I even know what's best for me?" I looked to him concerned.

"That's a part of growing up little sis, you have to just try. As much as it pains me, I can't hold you back. You have to have faith." He paused smiling and I then remembered what Adrian just said. " So with that said lets go pick out which car you want, anything except the new G- wagon of course. That's too much car for you." He laughed, while we were headed down stairs.

I didn't want the G Wagon anyway, I already knew what I wanted. The white Tesla model X with the falcon wing doors. Mama Laurie purchased this car because she knew it was my favorite in hopes I'd be able to take it for a spin one day. She made some pretty smart investments so she was really well off.

"Thank you Mikey!" I said jumping up and down squeezing the life out of him.

"You know you don't have to thank me. You deserve it." We stood in front of my new car.

"Also I wanted to talk to you too." I spoke, looking at him.

He looked back at me furrowing his brows in confusion.

Mikey has been blaming himself for years for everything. There's no reason to.

I paused for a second taking a deep breath. "It wasn't your fault, you hear me? None of it was your fault." Knowing he needed to hear those words, because as soon as I said them he froze.

I got directly in front of him, to get his full attention.

"It happened to me, you were not there nor were you aware. There was absolutely nothing you could've done differently. The foster family who took me in is at fault and it's their fault alone. Stop putting that on yourself. Trust me, it doesn't help." I said while watching the tears fight to stay in his eyes but failed, he quickly wiped them away. His face was red, and his hands shook.

I stood closer to him placing my hands on his shoulders. My brother needs me too, in this moment I finally realize we need each other equally. It was one thing to know we had each other's back but my brother needs me to reassure him. I'll do this everyday if it helps him realize its not his fault. So this could stop eating away at him.

"Breath Michael." I spoke calmly.

A moment later he released, letting out a painful sob. I pulled him in hugging him tight with everything I had.

"You— you shouldn't have had to go through that, the rape, the beatings. Why didn't you tell me when they started touching you? I could've fixed this before it lead to you getting raped. I just don't understand why you kept it from me. I could've been there for you."

"I was embarrassed Mikey." I vulnerably confessed.

"I'm your brother, you were suppose to tell me, Rai. I don't care what I had to do to get you away I would've done it." He yelled.

"I know and I'm sorry, I didn't know how to tell you they were touching me. I was young, I was scared. I didn't think it would ever go that far."

I stopped talking, taking a moment to study him. His heart was completely broken all over again. He stood shaking his head repeatedly as he tried to control himself.

"Then the baby." He mumbled. Immediately I paused knowing that's a trigger for me, I froze. I could now hear my heart beating through my chest it was a piercing sound ringing in my ears. My body tensed up and I started getting hot all over.

He stared at me realizing what he'd done. "Shit Rai, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up. I really didn't mean to say that, I'm so stupid." He pleaded.

I looked down, and shook my head. Not necessarily upset, just didn't want to ever speak of or hear about this.

"No, it's ok." I replied lowly while backing away from him. "I'm going to head back inside and get dinner started."

I tried to make it seem like everything was ok. I'm pretty sure now he wants to put some space between us. Which is good because I needed to be alone right now. I know he didn't mean to bring it up. Sometimes he has a way of doing that, putting his foot in his mouth.

"Ok, I'll be in soon. Ima' go for drive, I'll be back before dinner." My brother said with a look of guilt plastered on his face. Time apart is what both of us needed, although I would just rather not speak of this again.

"Ok cool." I nodded turning to walk back inside.

As soon as I got on the other side of the front door I dropped to the floor. I tilted my head back against the door and closed my eyes. I stayed down there for at least ten minutes. I couldn't cry, I couldn't do anything but sit there.

I got up and showered so I could start dinner. I decided on a garlic tomato pasta and asparagus with some rolls. Something light and quick.

I prepared dinner and did the table settings, I was moving on auto pilot. I decided after I turned the stove off I would clean. That's what I do when I'm overwhelmed with my thoughts.

I cleaned the bathrooms, and dusted the family room. Now I'm back in the shower for my second time since Mikey left. One of my old habits. Every time I get back in that head space I feel dirty and worthless. I used to scrub myself until I bled. I went through a lot of phases. I used to cut my upper inner thigh, I wanted to feel and see the pain or distract myself from what I felt inside. I would even cut sometimes when I was happy. I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy so I would cut to feel pain, something familiar. I stayed isolated, pushed people away for no reason at all. I'd also organize everything around me, just so I can feel in control of something and a little less worthless.

I don't want to go backwards.

Mikey made it back home. He came straight upstairs and knocked on my door.

"Come in."

"How are you feeling, I'm so sorry Rai."

"I'll be ok, don't worry."

"It's just, I don't want you to start shutting me out. I know it's a lot and it's not easy." He said looking at me in my eyes.

"That's just something I don't want to talk about, I never understood you and mama Laurie with this. Why do y'all push this conversation? I. Don't. Want. To. Talk. About. It." I stated slowly hoping he would finally get it.

"I know, so you've said. Maybe we should contact your therapist and see what she has to say about-"

"No, I'm fine and you just have to trust that." I interrupted.

"Rai."

"I said I'm fine Mikey, I'm not some ten year old little girl anymore. I can handle things. I know I have your support and you have mine, I get it."

"You coming down to eat?"

"Yeah I'll be down in a minute just let me freshen up."

"Aight."

I just can't get over how I'm feeling right now, filthy. No amount of showers can change that. Maybe I should just call and see what my therapist has to say.

I took another shower, then went downstairs to have dinner with Mikey. It was quiet. Neither of us minded it though, just pondering in our own thoughts. I decided to break the ice.

So, where did you go?"

"I was driving around and found a dog park. I decided to park and sit in the car watching people play with their dogs and talking."

"Sounds interesting, don't tell me you want a dog now?" I looked at him squinting.

"I was thinking maybe seeing about having one here for KJ."

"That would be good, what kind exactly? You're thinking a big or a small dog?"

"I was thinking a Golden or Labrador Retriever. They say those are the best dogs for situations like his."

"That's dope, how do you think Leah would feel about it?"

"That's the tricky part. She doesn't do well with new things when dealing with KJ. She doesn't want to disrupt his progress, but I think it would help though."

"How so?"

"I read up on it. —Well I googled some stuff while I was out there. He could have a service dog, —it's going to cost a great deal but I think it will be worth it. They train them specifically for autism."

"Hmm." I raised my brows impressed.

"It could help him socially, with his anxiety and he could have a great companion. They could grow up together."

"You really thought this through huh. So about how much is it?"

"It can start at ten thousand easily." He said while scratching the back of his head.

"Wow, that's a lot. You know Leah will not be ok with you spending that much."