[23.7.2022]

dear future lover,

she is 19 years old at the time of writing this and she is feeling vulnerable on this cold july night.

she doesn't know if anyone will ever get to read this note.

maybe someone will.

dear future lover,

she doesn't know what the future holds.

but she prays (to the god that she probably doesn't believe in) for a love that fills her with emotions to the brink of heaven.

she prays to adore someone the way she adores her two best friends.

the kind that fills her with adrenaline but also gives her enough space and trust to be fragile and vulnerable.

to be feisty and transparent.

a love that excites her and calms her.

the touch of someone who gets her blood rushing one time, and slows her breathing another time.

dear future lover,

she believes she's temporary in everyone's lives.

at least in the people who she dates' lives.

it gets depressing when she feels like she's only there for another person's character development.

is that all she's worth?

she feels like the side character of a story when she wants to be the protagonist.

but not really.

she just wants to feel like the protagonist who gets to kiss in the rain and dance in the kitchen with the love of her life at 2 in the morning.

dear future lover,

do you make her feel like the protagonist?

it's all she's ever wanted.

maybe it's unrealistic.

she knows honeymoon phases die out.

it scares her to see so many people fall so in love only to fall out of it.

that's why she chooses to love people.

why depend on feelings that come and go when you can actively stay consistent through your own choices?

that doesn't mean she can't love another until her chest hurts.

she only chooses to let it hurt.

dear future lover,

if you're reading this then maybe you make her feel like never before.

she doesn't feel like this often.

when she does, it's quite the cliff of how much she's falling.

she knows the pain will seep through her veins like poison and sting her blood like death when the impact comes.

can't you be her forever parachute?