Kenney called me a few days before we left for VA. I wondered how he remembered my parents' number. Shayna called me a few days before that, so maybe she gave it to him. Naturally, I asked her about giving Kenney my gate code when I talked to her. She just said "You wouldn't have answered the door if he called you first," and left it at that. She may have been right. If they had warned me ahead of time, that would have given me plenty of time to worm my way out of seeing him. Not because I didn't want to. Just because...that's where I was then. I would have pretty much wormed my way out of seeing anyone at that time.

Kenney took forever to say anything when I answered the phone, but my dad told me who it was when he called for me to pick up, so I already knew who was on the other end.

"I just..." he sounded like he was about to make up a reason why he would be calling me at their house instead of waiting until I got home, but then he switched gears and got straight to the point. "You ok?"

"Yeah, I'm ok. Sammie's ok, too." I knew that was his next question.

He kind of sighed like he had been holding his breath for a while. "Good. So..."

"Yes, I saw Collin. No, we're not back together."

"Huh..." He said it like that was...interesting.

"And I don't want him anymore."

"Huh..."

There was an awkward silence.

I felt like I should fill it. "My dad talked to him."

"And?"

"And Collin never came back after that."

"Huh..."

"Kenney."

"Yes?"

"Why did you call me?"

"Because I love you."

Now it was my turn to say "Huh..."

"And I wanted to make sure that you were safe."

Another awkward silence.

Again, I wanted to fill it. "I wrote something."

"Oh yeah?" He was always happy when I wrote. I guess he thought I needed to purge.

He was probably right.

"Yeah. Want to hear it?"

"Always."

I smiled. That was always his answer whenever I asked him if he had time to listen. It kind of felt weird being back in my old room talking to Kenney late at night on the phone. It also felt good, like old times. Kind of...

"So, I wrote this last night, but it's not about last night so...don't freak out."

He chuckled. "Ok...Now I really want to hear it."

I wasn't sure what he meant by that, but the feeling that it gave me was too awkward to address.

"It's called 'I Almost Died Last Night'."

"Oh..." I could hear his heart sinking over the phone.

"Still want to hear it?"

"Always." He made my heart flutter.

"Ok, hold on. I'll go get it."

Really, the book was right next to the bed. I just had to buy some time to put my emotions back in check. After a few deep breaths, I picked up the phone again.

Kenney was fake snoring and pretended like I startled him awake. "Oh! Hello?"

"Kenney," I laughed.

"Took so long I fell asleep. Thought you forgot about me."

"Never that."

"Word?" I could tell he was grinning.

"Word. I could never forget about you Kenney."

He crunched on something that sounded like chips. "Good to know." His dimples spoke to me through the phone. "Well I got my popcorn. Bring on the show!"

"You're silly." How was he making me blush like this?

"You dig it."

He was right. I did. Very much. I decided to just go straight into the poem before the flirting got...out of control.

"I almost died last night\I almost took my own life.\If only someone had been there to hold me\As I sat shaking with fright."

There was nothing but dead air on the other end of the phone.

"Kenney, are you there?"

"Of course."

"Ok." I took a deep breath. "I sat with a straight face and lied last night.\ To myself, and everyone who called\ When I said with conviction that I was fine\ And that everything was alright.\ I tried to hide last night.\ From myself, from the world,\ From so many critical eyes that I could see\ Blinking at me in the moonlight."

Still nothing but silence. I looked at the door and listened for a second, making sure that no one was out in the hallway that could hear me. Then I looked over at the baby and made sure that she was still asleep.

"Kenney?"

"Yeah, I'm still here."

"I broke down and cried last night..."

That old message in a bottle feeling came back to me and I hated that I was giving him one more secret to carry. But, I mean, who else would I tell?

"As my heart shattered into a million pieces\ And I cried out to the Lord\ To give me the strength to fight.\ I laid down in my bed last night\ When He came down from heaven\ And rocked me like a baby\Until the pain stopped blurring my own eyesight."

Silence.

"Kenney?"

"I'm still here."

"I would have died last night\I whispered to Him quietly\ As the orange rays of early light streaked the night's sky\ ...If You hadn't been there\ To hold me\ As I sat shaking with fright."

Still not a peep. After a while, the silence was too much for me.

"Kenney?"

"Still here, darlin'."

"That's it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that's it. That's all I wrote."

"Oh...wow."

"So...?"

"You almost took your own life?"

"Yes."

"You tried to kill yourself?"

"Yes."

"Oh..."

I felt like he was disappointed in me. "But I'm still here. I made it..."

"Yeah, you did. I'm glad." I smiled and looked over at my baby. "Tashi, does anybody else know?"

"No," I tried to make it sound like less his problem by adding, "Not yet."

"I won't tell anyone."

"I'm sorry to put another secret on you."

He didn't say anything for a really long time, and then he said, "I'm here for you. You can tell me all your secrets if you want. You know I'll keep them."

My stupid heart almost jumped right out of my chest and through the phone at him. I wrestled it back into place.

"Thanks."

"Natasha?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm sorry all of that happened to you."

"You didn't do it. Any of it. You never did anything wrong to me, Kenney. Or with me..."

"I'm sorry I disappeared on you."

"It's ok. You had to."

"Yeah..."

I thought about everything I knew about him that, for so long, he didn't think I knew.

"I'm sorry I took you back to that place."

"It's ok. I had to go back there to find my center."

"To find your center..." He sounded like Jasmine. "Yeah," I nodded. "I would like to find my center."

"You're closer now than you were. I can tell."

"Thank you," I smiled into the phone.

"Tashi, I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"Something that I said to you has been bothering me ever since I said it."

"Oh yeah? What's that, Bud?"

"I...told you that you liked it when Collin hurt you."

"Oh." For some reason I wanted to cry all of a sudden. I had buried that conversation way, way in the back of my mind. Way back behind literally everything else.

"...and I said that you were playing both of us. Like you...were having fun in that messed up situation. And I'm such an asshole for saying that to you. You didn't need me to treat you like that on top of everything else, and I apologize. I'm very sorry."

"Kenney..." I wanted to say a million things, but all that came out was, "it's ok."

Anything else that I thought or was about to say about that conversation didn't matter. Because it really was ok. I wasn't mad at him. Most people could never understand what that... felt like. The love part was the worst part, not the best part. And the fear, and the stress...and the pain. It was all the worst part, if you want to know the truth. And while it was happening, there was really no foreseeable way to get permanently out of it.

"Do you...are you still...how do you feel about me now?" Kenney asked hesitantly. I was quiet for so long that he thought I hung up. "Hello?"

"I'm here."

"So...how do you feel about me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"Kenney...I'm...not ready to have this conversation with you yet."

"Huh..." He said it like that was a good point and he wondered why he didn't realize it on his own.

"But I would like to have it with you another day."

I could almost hear him perk up.

"Ok. Take your time."

"Thanks."

"You're very welcome."

"Kenney?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you feel about me?"

"I love you." He said it without hesitation.

"I love you, too, but that's not what I mean..."

"I answered exactly what you asked me, Natasha. I do love you. I always have. You have me as your friend for life. I'll always love you. I'll always protect you. I'll always go to bat for you...and your daughter, no matter what. But..."

"But...?" My heart sank.

"But...I would also still always want more. I love you a different kind of way, too. And you know that. I want you. I mean...I want you, and I want you." I knew what he meant. "Which makes it extremely hard for me to be just your friend. It always has. Even more now that I'm being completely real with myself."

"Yeah..."

"So...I would never want to cross that line with you again unless you were for real, too. I think we made a mistake going as far as we did when you were staying with me. You were right. It was wrong. A very bad move."

"Kenney...that's not what I meant..." That was exactly what I meant and he knew it.

"Tashi, it's ok. We did have too much going on. And neither one of us handles having too much going on very well."

"True."

"So...I would never want to cross that line with you again unless we were both 100% in. None of that...Collin shit bleeding into what we do. I can't deal with that."

"I know."

"And I wouldn't want any of my stuff bleeding in, either, because that wouldn't be fair to you."

"No, it wouldn't."

"But I've been working on mine, and you've been working on yours..."

"Right."

"So maybe, when the time is right...maybe we could...try something..."

"Yes."

He didn't have to speak for me to picture his face.

"You want to?"

I nodded into the phone. "Yes."

It was the first time that I had ever owned my feelings for him. Ever.

"But not right now, right?"

"Kenney..."

"A conversation for another time?"

"Yes."

"Ok. Goodnight, Tashi."

"Night Bud."

"Love you."

"I love you, too, Bud."

And that night I went to sleep with way too much on my mind.