Casey's POV

I walked down the long hallway to Bubba's room, my mind wandering to the day before. I'd shared a part of me with Ryder that I never shared. It scared me that I was letting him in. I didn't let people get too close. But Ryder was...different. Whenever I was with him, I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to share my every fear, my every concern.

Shaking my head at how absurd that sounded, I rounded the corner and slowly pushed Bubba's room door open; making sure to quietly walk in the room, in case she was asleep. When my eyes landed on her laying form, I smiled.

"Stop staring, ya' creepo," she mumbled from her bed and I laughed, walking further into the room. She peeled her eyes open when I sank into the chair next to her bed. "Hiya, pretty."

"Hey, Bubba," I greeted with a warm smile. I was happy that she didn't seem tired, and was instead sporting a bright smile; which was always a good sign.

"What brings you by my humble, but very sterile, abode?" she asked and I chuckled distractedly. "You okay?"

Sighing, I turned towards her, the smile slipping from my face. "I need advice."

"Is this a boy thing?" she asked knowingly and I nodded with a grim look. She gave me an understanding smile and got comfortable. "The handsome devil or the other snot?"

"Bubba!" I scolded, fighting a grin. I lost that battle when she smirked, erupting in a fit of laughter.

"So?" she pushed.

"The handsome devil, Bubba." Bubba had nicknamed Ryder the handsome devil and insisted Nissa and I refer to him as so when we were around her. Nissa had brought up Ryder on multiple occasions and Bubba had grown attached to the gossip Nissa brought with her about him.

"Did you tap that like I suggested?" she raised an eyebrow and I narrowed my eyes into disapproving slits. "Are you pregos?"

"Bubba, no one uses the word pregos anymore," I informed her with a laugh. She scoffed and gave me a look.

"Well, you teens are always changing shit, aren't you? I can barely keep up," she answered with 'humph'. "Anyways, if you're pregnant, you got nothing to worry about."

"Bubba, I am not pregnant!" I exclaimed, horrified that that would even cross her mind. Bubba knew me better than most people did, you would think that she would know I was responsible enough to use protection if I had tapped that.

"Well, then, no need to get testy," she muttered, shaking her head and I threw her an incredulous look, making her laugh. "So what happened? Feel free to give me all the details...I'm down with that," I raised an eyebrow, "Jiggy with that?" I shook my head. "Cool with that?" I gave her a thumbs up.

"There you go," I laughed and she smiled proudly.

"Nothing happened...I'm just confused," I admitted, staring down at my hands, my eyebrows lowering.

"You like him," she stated in a matter of fact tone and I sighed.

"I do. I like the big dummy and I don't know what to do," I sighed in frustration. The knowledge that I had strong feelings for Ryder, a guy who most likely didn't feel the same way, had me wanting to rip my hair out of my skull.

"Honey, you like him, what's the big hold up about?" she asked softly, her tone suggesting that she was trying to decipher the situation. I shrugged and gave her a pitiful look.

"What if he doesn't like me back?" I mumbled. The fear of rejection was almost crippling. It made me feel insecure and vulnerable; two feelings that I can do without.

"Is he blind?"

"What? No," I replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Stupid?"

"Bubba!"

"You didn't answer the question," she stated, ignoring my outburst.

"No, he's not stupid. He's smart. Really smart." I pulled my bottom lip in between my teeth and nibbled on it. I released it when my mind ran to the phrase Ryder always used when I did that. I found myself wanting him to do exactly as he threatened. I wanted him to kiss me so badly. I wanted to taste his lips. I wanted to know if he tasted like chocolate.

"Well, then, he must be gay," I heard Bubba state from her bed and I laughed.

"Bubba, the guy has slept through the entire town. There is a possibility that my pinky is more gay than he'll ever be." I laughed. The thought of Ryder being gay was comical. The boy could hardly stay focused for more than a minute when there were boobs in the same room with him.

"Then I don't know why you're doubting that he likes you as well," she answered, giving me an assertive look.

"Bubba..." I trailed off when she turned stern eyes in my direction.

"That boy would be damn lucky to have you," she replied firmly, ending the discussion.

"I'm damaged goods, grandma," I whispered loud enough for her to hear.

"And what makes you say that?" she asked with a disapproving look. I turned away from her, my eyes finding the black nail polish on my nails very interesting.

"I'm the cause of three deaths in my family, what self-respecting guy is going to want to be with me?" I lifted my eyes and stared directly at her when I said this; daring her to come up with a plausible argument. Her eyes darkened as her face morphed into the face Nissa and I used to run like scared deer from. That one look could bring the devil to his knees.

"You had nothing to do with any of their deaths. It is not your fault," she gritted out.

"Bubba, I—"

"I'm not done," she interrupted. "My mother would always tell me that humans were giving the skill to make their own decisions for a reason. So that we could assume the responsibility of the consequences. Your parents were adults, Casey. Yes, there might have been outside sources that influenced their final decision, but ultimately, the final say, was up to them. They made a decision; it was up to them to face the consequences."

"Don't you get it, Bubba? I drove them to make that decision!" My voice rose as I became more agitated.

"No, you didn't. Your mother committed a sin that your father helped cover up, the guilt was bound to catch up to them. The decision they made to take their lives was the coward, easy way out of it. You didn't put a gun to their heads, they did the day they let blood stain their hands."

"I just don't get why they didn't want either of us—"

"Casey—"

"Having a child is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. Why was it the worst day for my parents?" I continued like she hadn't spoken, my voice cracking. Every time I thought about my parents, my heart would break. All I'd ever wanted was for them to show some sort of affection. Something that would make me feel as though I hadn't ruined their entire life. But I had. I'd made their life a living hell.

"It might now have been a happy day for them, but the day I saw your beautiful face, everything seemed good in the world. Your parents were cowards who didn't deserve you. You are a smart, beautiful, thoughtful young lady and I couldn't be more fucking proud of you." I smiled as tears pricked the back of my eyes, a lump rising in my throat.

"I love you, Bubba," I choked out as a tear slid down my cheek.

"And I love you to the ends of the universe and back," she replied with a big smile, her eyes twinkling.

***

I stared at the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree, sighing. Ryder, half sitting-half laying on the couch, his back leaned against my side, looked up from his book.

"What?" he questioned, making me glance down at him. The proximity of his face made my heart thump in my chest. His pink lips fixed in a slight pout, made my insides burn up. Every time I looked at him, heard him laugh, saw him smile or even heard his name, my heart would leap into my throat and an electric current would go through my body, burning up in my hands and stomach. He made me feel things that I'd never felt before, not even with Drake.

I could spend hours with him, just sitting, doing nothing. Like we were doing at the moment. While he was sitting reading a book that we were supposed to have read two months ago, for school, I sat reading one of my favorite books. We didn't have to speak. With him, I was comfortable enough to know that we didn't always need words.

"Hey, you okay?" he nudged me softly when I didn't answer and I glanced down at him with a nod.

"Yeah, I was just thinking that my Christmas tree looks bare," I told him, gesturing towards the tree and he laughed.

"Seriously, sweetheart, it does. That really is a half-assed tree." He laughed harder when I elbowed him.

"Our decorations broke when I took them down last year to put them up and I never went out to get anymore," I explained, my mind running back to last year when Nissa and I had managed to drop all of the Christmas decorations down the attic stairs. We'd only managed to salvage one string of red lights and some ornaments that weren't made out glass. My mom had always sent people to get her the most expensive and delicate ornaments they could find when Christmas rolled around. She always wanted to be the envy of our neighbors when they came over for her annual Christmas ball, always succeeding with her extravagant trees.

I had always hated how neat and pristine our decorations were. Our home during Christmas always looked more like a cold empty place than a warm, cozy home filled with love and joy, like it should have been. I'd spent most of my Christmases with Nadia and her family, since my parents spent their Christmas either closing a deal, or throwing a fancy ball to show their friends how much better they were.

"Then let's go get some," Ryder suggested, jumping up and snapping me out of my thoughts. Tossing the book onto the couch, he grinned down at me and I laughed.

"Ryder, you have to finish this book." I pointed at the book, raising an eyebrow.

"Screw the book, we're going shopping, come on, get that ass up, woman." He grasped both of my arms and pulled me up, making me stumble right into his arms. I pressed both hands on his chest to regain my balance and felt his sharp intake of breath. This made me giddy. I was happy to know I wasn't the only one affected by the other. My eyes slowly went up his stoic chest to his clenched jaw. He was stiff as a board, his eyes darkened, as he stared at me, his blue eyes flickering down to my lips and back up to my eyes, repeatedly.

My hands went to his taut biceps and he sucked in a breath, his eyes straying to my lips and lingering there. "I really want to kiss you," he breathed out in a whisper, his voice husky and low. My heart stopped for a second, before accelerating and I bit down on my bottom lip. His hand reached up and pulled it out of my teeth. "That's not helping."

I shook my head. "I'm not trying to help," I admitted in a small voice and he gave me a pleading look.

"I can't kiss you, sweetheart," his voice was strained. I could see a turmoil raging in his head as he fought for self control. I didn't know why he was fighting himself. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to feel his lips on mine. I wanted to taste them; to see if they tasted like chocolate.

"Why not?" I managed to get out, my voice coming out in a raspy whisper. He cursed softly under his breath, his eyes finding mine.

"Because if I kiss you, I won't be able to stop, I'll want to kiss you whenever I want," he replied, gripping my t-shirt tightly, his knuckles turning white.

"Maybe I'm okay with that," I told him, silently begging him to give in.

"I'm not. I don't want to break your heart, and if I kiss you, I'll lose the control to walk away before it's too late." He closed his eyes tightly, breathing in slowly and I nudged him, encouraging him to open his eyes.

"I want you to kiss me." His eyes pleaded with me to stop, but I was going to finish what I had started. "Please."

His eyes flashed with lust and something else when I whispered that one word. Tangling a hand into my hair, he moved my head towards his, slowly leaning down, his eyes never leaving mine. He leaned down and I felt his lips touch my right cheek in a light, feathery kiss, making my eyes flutter shut. His lips moved over to my other cheek and then up to my closed eyes. He placed a kiss on each of my closed eyelids and then one on each corner of my lips, never coming directly in contact with my mouth.

I groaned in frustration and he chuckled softly, running the side of his nose up mine, making my breath hitch. I felt his other hand cup the side of my face gently, while the other held the back of my head. When I thought his lips would never touch mine, I felt a rush of current run through my body, starting at my lips. I know that in books they tell you that everything around you becomes hazy, but the truth was, that my body became fully aware of Ryder and the sensations he was creating. Everything in me became alert, making me press every inch of me to him. I wanted to feel all of him. I wanted to feel it all, every inch of his perfect body up against mine.

As his lips pressed against me in a slow, soft kiss, I felt tingles go through my entire body. Nothing else mattered. The only thing that mattered was the feeling of his lips on mine. As they slowly moved against mine in a leisure kiss, I felt myself grow hot, desperate for more. Wrapping my arms around him, I gripped the back of his shirt. He moaned deep in the back of his throat, moving his head to deepen the kiss, his movements becoming desperate and demanding. When he ran his tongue over my lips, they immediately parted to let him in.

His warm tongue slid into my mouth, creating an explosion of strawberries, chocolate and spearmint, making my lips curve into a smile. Somehow I'd known that he would taste like chocolate. When his tongue began a sensual, hypnotizing dance with my own, exploring every part of my mouth, every thought escaped me as I could only focus on the different feelings coursing through me. When I sucked his tongue gently, he groaned loudly and gripped clumps of my hair in his fist, making pride bubble up in me.

His arms snaked around my torso and he lifted me up, my legs wrapping around his waist instinctively. My arms tightened around his neck, a whimper escaping my lips when he detached his soft lips from mine. The whimper was replaced by a sigh when I felt his hot lips trail a line of kisses down my jaw and neck, leaving a scorching hot path in it's wake.

I placed both hands on either sides of his face and brought his lips to meet mine once again. Pulling his bottom lip into my mouth once they touched mine, I smiled inwardly when he growled and his fingers dug into my hips. He brought his hands up and dug his fingers into my hair, gripping clumps of it and I sighed into the kiss, my heart pounding loudly in my chest.

When he pulled back slightly, placing a soft, chaste kiss on my lips, I was breathless. "Damn, woman, you're gonna kill me." I giggled, gripping his t-shirt in between my fists. He ran a thumb over my blushing cheek, resting his forehead on mine. "Get ready, because I'm only letting you come up for air from now on." My face split into a smile, which he returned, his eyes twinkling.

"I think I like the sound of that," I whispered shyly.

"Think?" His eyes widened with mock hurt and I giggle. Oh dear god, he was turning me into a giggler.

"Fine. I know I like the sound of that. Happy?" He grinned with a nod and I smiled. "So no Christmas lights?"

He glanced back at the tree and then back at me. "I think that tree can wait a few more hours, don't you?" I nodded my head with a laugh right before he pressed his lips to mine, his hands gripping my thighs.

When we finally managed to pull apart, I dragged Ryder out of the house and managed to keep his hands off me long enough to get to a Walmart. He'd pouted the entire way to the store, muttering that I'd giving him something and was now holding back. His pout had disappeared when I'd leaned him against the car and kissed him in the Walmart parking lot.

We were now roaming down the hallways, grabbing junk food and tossing it into our trolley. The Christmas lights already stacked to one side of the trolley. Ryder had decided to stack the trolley with junk food as we started towards the checkout, claiming that I'd made him hungry.

"Ryder, we already have a bag of those," I told him as he picked up a bag of chocolate bars. He threw me a playful scowl, placing the bag of chocolate gently into the trolley.

"You can never have enough of chocolate." My mind clicked and I gave him an understanding look.

"So that's why you taste and smell like chocolate." He gave me a strange look and I shrugged, "You do. You're lucky I really dig it."

He laughed and walked over towards me, wrapping his arms around me from behind, he placed his hands on the trolley, next to mine, and lowered his head to rest his chin on my shoulder. "Since you felt the need to tell me what I taste like, let me enlighten you; you taste like raspberries, bubble gum and spearmint."

I laughed, glancing at him over my shoulder. "Are you serious?" At his nod, I giggled. I had no idea why I would taste like raspberries; I hardly ate them. They weren't my favorite fruit of the bunch. My toothpaste didn't have any raspberries in it either, so I really had no idea why I tasted like them.

"It's intoxicating, actually," he whispered next to my ear, before placing a kiss behind it, sending chills down my back. My head turned towards him and I smiled.

"Good to know," I replied and he chuckled, his hand snatching out beside us to grab a bag of chips from of the shelf.

"Do you want anything else?" he asked me and I glanced down at the half-full trolley, my mind running over the snacks I'd placed in there for myself. Nut mix, almond bars, white chocolate—which Ryder had insisted I get—and Gatorade. I shook my head no and he nodded, turning the trolley in the direction of the checkout.

I helped him take the stuff out and place them on the conveyor belt. Once the stuff had been checked out and paid for by Ryder, after I'd fought him nail and tooth on it, we walked out the supermarket and were now heading back home.

"You're gonna kill us," I stated, shaking my head. He was driving way above the speed limit, with one of his hands deep in a bag of chips.

"I'll die a happy man," he shrugged, throwing me a wink and I laughed, my face heating up. "Besides aren't you the one who's not supposed to be scared of reckless driving?"

I shook my head. "I said I didn't mind when you drove fast, not like a maniac," I answered, gesturing towards the road, when he took his eyes off of it.

"Don't worry, sweetheart, you can kiss my dead body all you want, I won't mind," he smirked, making me roll my eyes.