Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met. It can't be done.

Claire and I ate our dinner in silence. "I'm finished," she says, looking at her half full plate of food.

"Claire, don't waste your food."

 She glares at me.

"I'm full," she states with a certain finality in her voice. She's only four, almost five, but she acts much older at times. It bugs me.

She leaves her plate and storms to her room, closing the door roughly. This sort of thing happens every night. She's had an attitude and a certain dislike for me ever since we moved to our apartment, away from the boys. I take a deep breath and go to clean up the small kitchen area.

After the tour, when I went back to the boys’ house to gather my things, I didn't want to leave. It felt like home even though I hadn't lived there for long.

Claire was in tears, grabbing onto their legs and refusing to let go. It made me get emotional and I had to try and stop myself from letting tears fall.

Niall has repeatedly apologized to me. I keep telling him that he doesn't need to. I just need a break. Maybe a very long break. I know it seems stupid. We both still love each other, but we broke up. But I just couldn't keep finding myself in that same situation where I felt he was cheating on me with Maggie. Even though I knew it wasn't true, that it couldn't be true, it was still emotionally traumatizing to think that it was true even for the smallest of seconds.

I know he wouldn't though. He wouldn't do that and I trust him enough to know he wouldn't. But every time I saw them together like that I felt this rush of pain and for the slightest moment I hated both of them. I couldn't keep going through that.

Claire is now basically against me. She hates me for leaving the boys and rarely talks to me unless she has to. Not that it's been much easier on me. I miss them like no one could know. Every day I just want to pack up all my things, take Claire, and run back to them but I can't.

I don't really talk to them anymore. Speaking to the other boys reminds me too much of Niall and when I think of Niall I want to run back into his open arms and apologize for ever breaking up. That's something else I can't do.

I can't get hurt anymore and love means pain. I've had enough pain in my life and I really don't need anymore. My happily ever after actually did end when Jake left. It was crushed like a bug. All my hopes of ever finding love again. He took that all with him.

It's been about two months since we returned from the tour. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to my brother much. He's sent me multiple emails, texts, and voicemails asking about me and Niall's breakup and has called me probably a million times. I ignore it all because I don't want to talk about Niall. I might convince myself to take him back if I talk about him.

Besides, it's not like I need a lecture from my over protective big brother about how I should have been more careful and cautious and blah blah blah. He warned me and I know if I tell him what happened he will rip into me about how he was right and how I should have listened.

I've been working hard on my album. It was recently released about a week ago and has been extremely successful since. I've been super busy lately with interviews and signings and concerts. It's insane really, but I'm living the dream. I love it more than I love to do anything else.

I finally quit my photography job. It didn't end too well between me and Uncle Dave, but I'm glad I finally got out of there. I never actually finished all that work he sent me on tour so he was pretty pissed about that.

Rebecca and I have gotten closer. A lot closer actually. She's one of my best friends. I still keep in touch with Kristy even though she's not my tour stylist anymore. I guess I could call her one of my best friends too.

I still have all my stuffed animals, in case you were curious. I still remember all their names and how I got them. I always have them crowded around my bed.

My nightmares occur less often now, but I still get them sometimes. They aren't about the killer, my parents, or Jake as much as they're about Niall, Maggie, and the other boys. I hate not having Niall there to sing me to sleep.

When I finish with the kitchen I trudge to my bedroom. I curl up under the covers and turn off the light. I let a single tear tumble down my cheek as I fall asleep.

I miss him.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Please welcome Alexis Blake!" The crowd all cheered as I walked onstage smiling and waving at them. A fake smile. A mask to hide the pain.

"Hello Alexis, how are you today?" the interviewer asks. She was a thin lady who looked to be in her thirties with blonde hair. She wore lots of makeup, but not in a cheesy way where she looked like a clown or anything.

"I'm great," I lie with a smile.

"That's good. So we know your first album was just released last week, would you like to tell us a little more about it?"

"Sure. Well it's called Don't Give Up and I wrote every song with some help from other artists and songwriters. Most of the songs on the album reflect on my past and just what I've been through like the struggles I've faced and overcome."

The interviewer nods. "That's amazing that you were able to let so many people into your world through your music."

"Thank you," I say with a small smile.

"Your hit single has been playing up the radios quite often." I smile wide. "We all know it's about someone special," she says, making a big deal of winking and nudging me. I blush and the audience chuckles. "Could that special person's name possibly rhyme with file?" I let a little laugh escape my lips.

"Yes. Smile For You is a song I wrote about Niall. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't even be here right now." I wondered if he was watching this.

"Now I heard you broke up a few months ago?"

"Yes. Things just weren't working out." I sigh.

"That's a real shame. You guys were adorable."

"Thanks." I blush a bit.

"Who wants to hear Alexis's hit single Smile For You?!" she asks the crowd. They all cheer and the stage darkens except for a small lit up area where a microphone and a guitar sat on a stand. I smile and get up from my seat. I grab the guitar and press my lips to the microphone. I begin to strum the correct chords.

"Ohhh, yeah yeahh....

I've had some hard times but I've never given up

I keep going every time I feel like I've gotten stuck..."

I continue the song. The same song I've sung over a million times before. The same song I performed the night I ended things. The same song that brought back so many memories between me and Niall that it made it impossible not to think about him. I never got to know what he thought about it. Now I'm not even sure if I want to.

When the interview ends I go back to my car. I got a new car now. It's nothing like that old piece of junk I was driving. It's a silver Porsche, something I never imagined I would be able to afford before. When I get in I drive through the snow to management headquarters. Simon said he had something to talk to me about.

Claire was at school right now. I transferred her to a private elementary school. I want her to have a good education. As you can see we are much better off now. I never imagined I would ever be able to send Claire to private school or be able to buy a new sports car. I never imagined any of this was possible.

As I wait in the elevator I log onto twitter and follow a few people. That's another thing: I have my own fans now. They aren't just the boys’ fans who found out about me through the tour. They are my own fans who love my music and support me. It's amazing. Some of them are so dedicated it surprises me.

I walk down the familiar hallway until I reach Simon's office. I turn the door handle and push it open to find Simon at his desk. It wasn't just Simon though. Off to the side where Simon had couches and chairs and a television were five other people I would know anywhere. The boys were sitting and watching MTV, but when I walked in all eyes turned to me. My heart stopped.

I bit my lip nervously and immediately locked eyes with Niall. "Um....hey," I manage to say.

"Ah, Alexis. Glad you're finally here. I have news for all of you. Please take a seat," Simon says to me.

I walk over to where the boys were sitting and discover there were no seats. Niall was on the end of the couch. He moved over to make room for me. We were squishing six people on a couch made for five.

I was extremely close to Niall and it made my palms sweat. I hadn't seen him in two months. He looked a bit different now. I could see the brunette roots of his blonde hair that now swooped upwards, sort of like Zayn's. He still wore the same tank tops and snapbacks. Of course his sneakers too. Those familiar crystal clear blue eyes kept glancing at me. They were filled with sorrow.

He didn't look happy and carefree anymore. He looked sad, almost depressed. You could tell by the way he slumped in his seat and how he wasn't smiling like he always used to. Had I done this to him? Is he depressed because I broke up with him or is there more going on? I wanted to know. I wanted to fix it. Fix him. Make him who he was before. The happy, bubbly, fun, carefree Niall Horan that everybody knows and loves.

I wished I could just hug him and have him explain every single problem on his mind. I wanted to know what was going through his head. I wanted to kiss him right then and there in the middle of this meeting and forget everything that has happened since the end of the tour. Forget about Maggie. Forget about trying to block him from my thoughts. Forget about the fact that I've ignored and avoided him for two months. Just go back to way things used to be.

But I couldn't.

I didn't realize I was staring at him until Simon snapped me out of it. "So I realize that you have just released your album Alexis and you have a busy schedule, but the boys are in the process of recording their album at the moment. This is completely by choice but I thought it would be a wonderful idea if Alexis would collaborate on your album boys," Simon explains. I think about it with a blank expression.

"I think that's a great idea," Niall states, a hint of a smile pulling at his lip.

"I agree," Louis adds, beaming. The boys all nod and look to me for the final answer.

"I, uh, um...." I look over their expressions. They were all looking at me waiting for an answer. Niall's eyes were pleading, begging me to say yes. He stared at me intensely with that same sad expression he's been wearing since I walked through the door.

"Please," I hear him whisper low enough for no one else but me to hear. I shut my eyes and look down at my lap.

"Okay," I say. "I'll do it."

And for the first time in two months I saw Niall smile. A huge smile that exposed his braces and made him look like the joyful Niall I used to date.

"Great!" Simon exclaims. "This will be a great way to join both of your fan bases. Be here on Saturday at noon to start writing. I know the holidays are coming up but we will have to plan the recording schedule and work around it. We will figure it out on Saturday when you arrive." With that Simon left, but not before giving me and Niall a strange look.

I was now alone in a room with five boys I've ignored for two months.

"So how have you been?" Liam asks casually.

"Good," I nod. "You guys?"

"Good," they all answer.

"Congrats on your album. Didn't take long for you to hit number one," Louis says to me with a smile. I smile back.

"Thanks."

"How's Claire?" Harry asks.

"She's great. Misses you guys."

"We miss her too," Louis says.

"How's your album coming?" I ask.

"Great. Almost finished. It should be out by January," Zayn answers. I nod. Awkward silence.

"I should go. Have to get home before Claire gets back from school. Good to see you guys again," I say, getting up from my seat. I was just about to turn the handle when I hear that Irish accent.

"Wait."

I turn back around. Niall was walking towards me.

"Can I talk to you real fast?" he asks. I glance at the other boys.

"Sure..." He walks out to the hallway and I follow him. There was no one around. "What's up?" I ask. He runs a hand through his swooped hair.

"I can't stand this."

"Can't stand what?"

"This!" he says, waving his arms around. "This awkwardness! Not talking to you is killing me. I freaking miss you Lexi." I bite my lip and turn away. I stare at my shoes.

"Niall, it's hard for me too. Please don't make it any harder."

"I'm not trying to. Just, please, can we be friends? Anything would be better than not talking. I can't take this."

No. I can't be friends with him. Once we're friends it's only a matter of time before I take him back and if I do that I'll get hurt again.

"I.....don't know. I need time to think."

"About what?"

"About the probability that if we're friends we will end up getting back together."

"Look," he says, taking my hand. "I know you don't want to get hurt again. I understand. I'm sorry you had to get hurt so many times because of me-"

"It wasn't because of you! Don't think that it was." I look at his hand in mine and resist the instinct to pull away.

"I don't know what to think anymore! What can I do to get you back? I love you, okay?"

"No! That's not okay! How the hell am I supposed to move on and forget about you when you come along and say shit like that?!"

"I don't want you to forget about me. Don't move on."

"But I have to. Or else I will spend the rest of my life struggling not to take you back. If we get back together I'll get hurt again!" I let a tear plop down my cheek.

"How do you know that?!" I was silent as I looked away and out the giant window overlooking London letting the tears smudge my makeup. "How do you know what will happen in the future until it happens?" he asks, a bit quieter now. We had been yelling at each other and I didn't even notice.

"I have to go," I choke out, pushing past him and viciously wiping away the tears as I speed-walked to the elevator. I heard Niall call after me but he didn't follow me. Smart choice.

When the elevator closed I sunk down and hugged my knees to my chest. I cried. If someone were to find me right now they would probably put me in a mental hospital, but I didn't even care.

I missed Niall. I wanted him back. But I couldn't just say 'I love you' and have everything be okay. It was all too complicated.

I shouldn't have fallen in love in the first place. Love leads to pain. I knew that, but I let my guard down anyway. Now look where that got me.

AUTHORS NOTE

rawr :/ opinions???? (: FAN to be added to my 'who to dedicate to' list lol vote, comment, and recommend please!!!!!!!!!! BEGGING YOU RIGHT NOW. hehehe whats gonna happen next?? O_o idk lol BY THE WAYY i sent out a message to you lovely poptarts the other day C: I've already gotten a few lovely responses<33 COVER CONTEST!!!!!! that's right ;D So basically what happens is you can make a cover for either Smile For Me or for Adopted (my other story) and send it to me. This contest is open for submissions until SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 15th. i'll choose the one i like best of all the submissions(: then if I like yours best I will dedicate a chapt to you, recommend/read/vote/comment on one of your stories (if you have one), and ill fan you if im not already(: its not alot but its the best i can offer XD if you ARE participating in this contest then message me if you don't know how to send it to me. Most common way is via photobucket but if you dont have a photobucket or something then CHAT MEH :D kk byeee poptarts<3333