31/12/2019, At Chennai

Shiva's P. O. V:

She was anyway leaving tonight. If I didn't speak out today, I would never do it. It's better that I finally named our relationship today.

If I left this matter longer, Aparna might still be hoping for something. It's good that I made everything clear.

After a long time, I was going home peacefully.

Even though everything was sorted out, I had an uneasy feeling. It was as if I was being blind about something.

Maybe it's just me missing Aparna. She is leaving tonight and I won't be able to see her off.

I hope this feeling would go away later when I hear good news from Aparna. She can start her own firm. She will really shine in her work. And, that's what should matter to me. Wherever she is, she should be happy.

I rubbed my eyes and parked my bike in front of my home.

I ran in and found my amma sitting alone in front of the TV. The time was around 6 in the evening.

" Where is appa? " I asked amma as I removed my socks.

" He is in the printing shop. Well, today we are getting all the wedding invitations. In one month time, I don't know how we are going to invite everyone. Your uncle completed everything last week itself. We are late. " She said.

I gulped hard and walked upstairs to my room.

I took a bath and fell on my bed to get a good sleep. So much of burden from my mind was gone.

Is Aparna doing alright now?, maybe she has already started. What if Michael does something in Bangalore?, what will she do?, what if she decides to suffer silently again?, should I have asked her to stay here?

No, no, that would be bad for her. She shouldn't be locked here.

For nearly an hour, my mind was in a loop of thoughts. I couldn't fall asleep nor could I stop my thoughts.

I sat up and threw away my pillow. I scratched my head in confusion.

My phone rang and I broke out of my trance of thoughts.

It was a call from Shwetha. I instantly picked it up.

" Hello Shwetha, is Aparna okay? Is anything wrong? " I asked hurriedly.

" Yes, She is okay. I just wanted to talk to you " She said slowly.

I breathed out loud and thanked God.

" What is it? " I asked her.

" You know what, you really did save Aparna today, even when we didn't have a single drop of hope. I am forever grateful for that. " She said.

" No Shwetha, it was my responsibility. " I said.

" But there are some things you don't know. I really didn't want to hurt you at all. But I can't give up on my friend! She loved you like a lunatic. And I don't know if you did or not. She really didn't deserve to be this broken " Shwetha said. I was able to hear her voice breaking with tears.

" Shwetha, Aparna was really a precious person to me. She doesn't deserve an asshole like me. She should be with someone who is as brave, talented and honest as her. I am just a coward. She will get whatever she dreamt out. Whatever I did was for her good. " I said.

" You are really the bigger idiot than her. She came to this city for you, she knew about your regret of not having a chance at the life you wanted. She wanted to help you, she wanted to make sure that you will somehow stop regretting your life. She knew that you were not happy with your engagement. She wanted to help but fell in the trap herself. And Damned Shiva, don't lie to me that you don't love her. After you waved her good bye, didn't her face cross your mind even for a minute? "She asked.

I rubbed my forehead with my hand was was biting my lips.

I wanted to say Shwetha everything. That I knew Aparna did all that for me, that I knew she liked me, that I knew I loved at Aparna too.

" If you are still not regretting letting her go, I have no other go than this. You very proudly kept telling everyone that you never gave Aparna any promise, that you never intentionally wanted her to fall in love with you, or that you never gave her hope for anything more. I am here to tell you this. I am sorry Shiva, you are the fucking bastard that promised her that you would marry her! You bloody told her not to go away! " Shwetha said.

If there is only one thing, I was very sure of, it was that Aparna knew my state and I never promised her for anything more. We both wanted to live in a illusion ,we did cross lines at times. But I was very sure that I never promised Aparna everything.

I have seen Karthik sobbing days and nights after he broke up with his girlfriend. He promised her that he would somehow save her. But he couldn't. She ended up marrying someone else. That's when I told myself that I shouldn't make promise about things that were out of my control.

" Shwetha, please, do you know the weight of your words? I did love Aparna, but both of us knew the situation at my home. We knew that our relationship is an blind tunnel. After I found out that I can't do anything more, I made sure that Aparna doesn't follow any false hope anymore. What are you saying? " I shouted at Shwetha.

" You know what, everyone can love anyone. But love is not enough to hold up the relationship. You need courage, you need to choose what you want.

If you thought I got married to Hari, because my family was lenient, you are wrong. I fought with my parents for two years. I blackmailed them. Of course, I couldn't run away. It's the same for Hari, we endured everything silently.

It's just that I couldn't bear seeing a genuine relationship being torn away by your cowardice to fight against your parents. Fine, Mr. Oh so honest Shiva. I am sending you two video clips. Please listen to them. I hope you live your life with this regret of letting Aparna go. " Shwetha said and cut the call.

As soon as the call ended, I received two files.

With shaky hands I took my ear phones and plugged them in. The date of the recording was when we went to Karaikudi to study traditional building style.

I played the first file.

It was inside the car. I was visibly drunk.

I instantly sat down on the floor. Holy fuck, did I really mess up everything when I was drunk?

I was viciously shouting at Aparna.

" Who do you think you are? " I said. She didn't reply back.

I was too shocked seeing the clip, I rubbed my eyes and looked again.

" You told me that I don't have any rights on your life! Now you think that you do! " I shouted again.

Suddenly the car stopped and I was pulled out by Hari.

" Aparna, you think you did the right thing! You didn't!" I shouted at Aparna again.

The camera was facing the ground and I was only able to hear the words.

" Let him take out his anger please! " Hari said.

" I loved you! I still do! Can't I just live like that until my wedding?, can't you give me just one more day? Can't we have another chance? " I said crying.

" I am selfish! I can be selfish only with you! You asked me for a promise remember? " I shouted.

There was no reply from anyone.

" I will try with all I have to save myself from this marriage. If I hadn't met you, maybe I would have accepted to my reality. Now, I can't." I said.

" I promise you that, If I am ever going to marry someone, it will only be you!, can't you trust me?, can't you give me some more time! " And I head a loud thump.

" Sorry for this Aparna. He needed to vent it out. I am sorry " Hari said. And the video ended.

I sat there frozen. I punched the nearby wooden cabinet as the words I muttered came back to me. I let out all my anger and closed my mouth with my hands controlling the scream.

I punched the cupboard again and sat back on the floor.

I pulled my hair and laid on the floor. I curled myself and started sobbing hard.

I really did promise her. Maybe I was drunk, but it was still me. I uttered the words. Even after knowing all that Aparna didn't ask me back. Every time I consoled myself that I didn't give her any hope, she didn't tell me back my words. She kept quiet.

I took the phone in my hand and threw it hard on the cupboard. I sat back on the floor and laid my head on my bed.

Maybe, this was supposed to be my fate. This is the price I pay for not fighting. I was fated to carry this guilt till I die, regret of not trying enough. Even when my life gave me a golden chance, even when the right person for me came back to me, I didn't do anything to hold them back. I was destined to be this loser.

It is better to cry on this regret all alone than asking about this to Aparna again. I shouldn't be the one making her worry again. I am responsible for all this mess and I will repent for it silently, till the day I can forgive myself for ruining Aparna's heart and my fucked up life.

A noise brought back my attention to reality. Another video was running on my phone. I heard my drunk voice blabbering someone.

I picked up the phone and wiped off the small broken pieces from the tempered glass.

The video was taken inside the car. It was before the previous one. I was speaking to Anjali with my phone on speaker.

" Ohhhh, I remember, you are that narcissistic pig who thinks she can get anything by blackmailing! Was I right! " I said to Anjali.

" Last time, it was sleeping pills! This time I can go for something that will really work! " Anjali said.

" Yes! Do it and die! Please die for real this time , and Go to hell! Go cry to your father! Call my amma and cry! I should be the one taking sleeping pills! You fucking bitch! " I screamed and Aparna cut the call.

" Why did you do it! " I whined.

" I am saving you from killing yourself! " She said. And laid back.

" This is weird! This is happening the second time! " She said with a confused face.

" What? " Shwetha asked from the front.

" You heard right, Anjali said that she took sleeping pills. She did attempt a suicide once. But I clearly remember , Shiva' s mom was telling that, Anjali attempted suicide by drinking the pesticide. Anjali sent a blackmail message to Shiva once saying that, she did attempt suicide by taking sleeping pills! " Aparna said with big curious eyes.

" Nobody will forget how they tried to die though " Shwetha said.

" If it is so,Either Anjali attempted suicide twice or she didn't at all. I am just hoping that I heard something wrong. It has been two years since she did that,maybe Shiva's mom messed up the story. " Aparna said scratching her head.

" Yeah, that could be too" Hari said.

" I don't know, I just want to make sure that Shiva is not trapped by a lie. " Aparna said and the video stopped.

My hands were visibly shaking. I took a step back and tumbled on my bed. I shook my head and played the video again.

Their conversation was right. My entire life was influenced by her suicide and why I never doubted it? Why would Anjali say different reasons for her own suicide?

If what Aparna suspected was true, then Anjali might have really faked her own suicide. What should I do now? How do I find out?

I started walking to and fro inside my room.

" All the answer to your problems is with your amma. Just talk to her, as a friend. " Those were the first advice Aparna gave me, when she came into my house as Prerna.

I decided to try that. I wiped out my tears with my towel and walked down to the living room.