The shift in the dark certainly is not imagined, the dip in the bed against the background of a familiar deep voice humming in relieved content not a part of the disturbed vague already forgotten dream. A warm chest presses against the back, a tanned arm covered by sun-bleached hair pressing us together in a tight embrace, fingers instinctively entwining.

If slumber did not nuance the ability to deal with reality, I would immediately have turned over and buried my face in the hollow between prominent collarbones scented with ylang-ylang despite once again having been abandoned for three months due to touring. Instead, a cute nose with a beauty mark on the tip nuzzles the back of the head affectionately as a low chuckle undoubtedly forms a boxy grin on dearly missed lips.

'A sound of something breaking. I awake from sleep. A sound full of unfamiliarity. Try to cover my ears but can't go to sleep.' Softly, speech volume lowered by the exhaustive homebound trip, Taehyung sings the song that has become a peaceful lullaby regardless of the bittersweet lyrics. 'The pain in my throat gets worse. Try to cover it. I don't have a voice. Today I hear that sound again.'

'You don't have to bury your voice for me. I'm still here for you.' Eyes remaining half-shut, a lingering kiss is placed on the knot of digits, savouring the feeling of finally holding hands again after such a long time. 'You should have told me you'd come back tonight. I'd driven to the airport to pick you up.'

In spite of having gotten used to the long periods alone, there has never been a true adjustment to the mostly long-distance relationship. The immense joy overflows attitude every time the plane lands and the beloved steps through the crowded front door of the airport, practically launching himself at where I stand patiently waiting beside the car via swinging the bag containing luggage forward for extra momentum and fueled by the cheers of six amazing friends.

And as soon as that bag hits the concrete ground of the parking lot and arms envelop us in an assuring tight hug, the idol status is left behind and he is the thoughtful gentle boyfriend of little more than two years.

Then he is just the normal Kim Taehyung.

'Sorry for waking you up. I thought you were sleeping.' Though not being able to see in the dark, it is not difficult to paint an image of the bafflement in the puppy eyes of the sweet lover on the other side of the bed. In fact, it makes the corners of the mouth curl up in a genuinely grateful smile, the first one since after the long period of a regular absence.

'Anyone would wake up when the bed seems to give out under them.'

The tired hum substituting a nuanced laugh acknowledges the jest before turning serious again. 'I'm not letting you drive to the airport at two in the morning. Besides,' plush lips place a gentle kiss on the shoulder as the hug becomes a bit tighter and the body immediately reacts by sinking into the tranquillity of the gesture, 'I'm here now, in time for our anniversary.'

'You didn't forget.' It comes out meekly because forgetting the special occasion would have been likely thanks to the utterly fully booked schedule wherein every second requires attention since it counts. Time is of the essence and money, after all.

It almost happened with the first, although the reminder for that one was casually given just in time the day before during a Skype call with the thought it would take at least another month before being together again. However, a very astonishing breakfast in bed was prepared, the biggest surprise the sudden homecoming that had passed unnoticed in the night.

Yet now, despite all the expectations of being an idol, the celebration is remembered without the need for a memo of any nature. 'Of course, babe. How can I after last year? I installed an alarm for it directly after on my phone so it can't happen again. The guys are coming back next week, but I couldn't wait. Management was reluctant to let me leave early due to some promotions that have yet to be done, but Namjoon talked with them and now I'm here. I promise you that from now on, I'll never forget it. But it's late, so let's go to sleep. Celebrating is something for tomorrow.'

'Will you be there in the morning? I won't find you gone despite this promise?' The grip on the big hand strengthens, holding on as if for dear life to the only buoy that can save a person from the lonesome ocean.

And from the fate set in the cards.

'Of course, babe. Now, rest up.' A chaste kiss precedes a shuddering breath, betraying words have unintentionally inflicted the same amount of mental pain as the separation did on a person who experiences the world a tad differently without the boy with the mellow voice singing the most beautiful of songs. 'I'll still be holding your hand when you wake up, I promise.'

Please be, dear. Please be there.

Earlier today the digital tarot reading formed a discouraging answer to the question whether the relationship will work out regardless of the risks of the lengthy days of contact from afar it has to endure. Allowing it is likely randomly generated, it felt very befitting of the current situation.

Two of cups presented the self in the relationship, emphasizing partnership and having a bond of balance, respect and honour with the other person. Tae's career as an idol is accepted in every way and has - difficult as it is sometimes - never truly distorted the balance between work and private life. From the start, it has been clear it will be difficult to be together, but thus far we have managed to do so and maintained a healthy relationship by not cheating and generally being open, often doing so via late-night Skype calls.

Then came the definition of the relationship: ten of swords reversed. The app used to translate the imagery spoke of betrayal, but - knowing the tanned singer - he would never commit such a heinous crime. However, what it likely referred to was the regular absence of the beloved, which forms a problem in a relationship wherein everything sometimes feels utterly useless and solitude is the sole companion. The card encouraged recovery, moving on.

Ending this.

Finding happiness elsewhere where there is no caramel skin, no lavender air nor square smiles.

Walking away from Omelas.

The last card, defining Tae, dealt the final hope-shattering blow: two of swords. There is a crossroad and choosing between both paths is a difficult choice to make: will effort be endlessly put in a bond that is already hard to maintain by remaining as we are, stalemate, or shall the passion turned into a prosperous career be left behind to fulfill the role of man of the house full-time? Family and friends form a significant part of the youth's life, but it is his best friends that walk the musical road and family that treads the other.

And both want him with them.

Public or private.

Settling down completely or working while hoping for better days.

Staying or going.

There is no winner in either case of the options because both parties will suffer heartbreak, exactly as the second reading for the question how this would end resulted in the three of swords. I do not want to form an obstacle in the pursuit of a love other than ours with the eternally young comrades yet be left behind in a reality without breakfast in bed and rare normal dates to the park and art galleries, hearing an endless stream of praise for Van Gogh and see the cheerful sparkle in chocolate eyes whenever they spot one of the Dutch artist's paintings.

It is his move to make to get out of the frozen situation and either create a checkmate or find a way to evade inevitable fate.

Because it is all in the cards.

The fascination with the major and minor arcana started recently after coming across a deck in the local bookstore while killing some time there to forget the cold atmosphere of the shared home and find shelter from the tempest turning the concrete city streets a darker shade of grey, making walking anywhere a living hell. Certainly due to having to face the unending harsh downpour and fierce winds, the water cutting into the skin like hundreds of tiny razors. The collection of cards was not bought since the classical art style did not resonate, but it did, however, instigate a curiosity as to the spiritual realms and how energies can form answers to questions.

In the beginning, it was regarded with a grain of salt, but when the readings began to get more accurate and more knowledge was obtained in how to read the presented images, a genuine belief was poured into the practice and has been ever since. Even to the point of searching for a deck that would have personal preference and resonance, which has been found in the gorgeous Marigold tarot deck.

During a late-night Skype call after a VLive with the lads, the strange fascination which provides quite accurate responses when the meanings of the illustrations are put into context came up when talking about how everything was going at home. Needless to say, knowing the singer's irrational albeit adorable fear of the paranormal, Taehyung was kind of freaked out about the newly picked up hobby. It took a bit of convincing no spirits came into play with the practice nor anything devious, only pure energy hailing from deep within the self and the earth which, fortunately, reassured the young man who looked as if talking to the Devil himself. Furthermore, it was a relief to know there was something to replace the pressure of the desolation that has become a grander part of the routine and stretched with the ever-increasing fame of the seven lovely youths.

However, before the call was broken off in favour of much-needed rest, a promise had to be made: the secrets of tarot have to be shared at the latest homecoming, including a reading.

You're here now, but what will you ask them tomorrow? If it has to do with us, please let Fate undo what has been said before.

Let hands hold on forevermore.

***

The early faded rays of sun shining through the thin papyrus-coloured fabric of the curtains illuminate the empty spot in the bed, the thick sheet haphazardly thrown aside and the pillow put diagonally against the one on which eyes slowly opening to the first light of dawn rest. A languid hand explores the spot where just a few hours ago the love of a lifetime dreamt alongside a conflicted mind, holding on to an adored body as usual but hoping to banish the demons unintentionally strengthened by the truth of swords and cups. The tips of fingers find the retelling of the story of the cards in the almost cold material, evoking the repressed heartache cured just last night, igniting it anew even though the blonde man returned when the stars shone in the navy sky.

The pillow scented with lavender and ylang-ylang is hugged tightly, the aroma bringing a sense of comfort when enough consciousness is regained to re-read the three-part entry about the relationship in the dark brown leather-bound tarot diary hidden beneath the bed. The section dedicated to the strings binding people has not been expanded since that awful reading and the one even more harsh one afterwards which resulted in the three of swords, too afraid of the answers it would present concerning the bond with Taehyung. Furthermore, it would have only been the same inquiry over and over, which one should never do when slinging the spiritual cards. Ask a question solely once and accept the reply.

Even when it is a tough pill to swallow.

'Babe, are you okay?' A familiar groggy voice asks from the direction of the doorway. Bare feet quickly pad over the birch floor towards where a girl who desperately tries to live a normal life with a famous boyfriend sits with arms holding a scented cushion as strong as fingers held his during the night. A long thumb wipes away the tear unintentionally flowing down the cheek after big hands set down the serving tray filled with breakfast for two on the ground, a warm palm cupping the side of the face and espresso almond-shaped eyes blazing with concern. 'What's wrong? Please, don't cry. You know I hate that, seeing you're unhappy.'

The former object of affection is thrown aside, fingers clamping on to the collar of the marine blue and white-striped bathrobe concealing bare caramel skin from the world and pulling the lover into a tight shaking embrace, surprising him but instantly hearing soothing nothings and feeling soft pecks on the right temple when the gesture is answered in kind.

For a few moments, we sit in a silence bearing the aroma of coffee and chocolate croissants. In pure ignorant bliss, simply as an ordinary boyfriend consoling his nothing but ordinary girlfriend.

There is no idol, no singer, no member of the famous BTS.

It is just him: Kim Taehyung.

And me.

Just us.

Nevertheless, the urge to know whether to continue regardless of the continuous travel and eye of the public - much less so that of management and the label - lets the inquiry firmly roll off the tongue with a few hiccups when the gesture is broken off and secure hands hold a still trembling figure at arm's length, discovering a clear cause for the sudden distress. 'Ha- have you ever, even ju- just for a split second, thought about giv- giving up? Us, I mean.'

His gaze wanders to the diary resting in the ground zero, opened on the pages of the two devastating intuitive tales, a sympathetic smile formed on lips not kissed in a long time when it locks with mine once more. All the certainty the ocean deep voice held has faded with the spoken words, hurt mixed with incomprehension in speech. 'Of course not! Y/N, I flew home especially for our anniversary because I didn't want it to be like last year. I'm sorry I'm not around much. I also wish that could be different, but we've known from the beginning this wasn't going to be easy. Management, the public and fans may not be happy we're together, but that doesn't matter as long as we are. You are, right?

'Please, babe, please say you're happy with me. I get it if you aren't when I'm on tour or practicing all day, but I mean what you feel in moments like these when I am home and fully yours. A normal dude who found an amazing girl he never means to be the reason of for crying. I'm never happier than when I'm with you, not even with the guys. Nothing can change that. But... is it the same for you?'

'How can you as- ask that? Yes, you fool, I am. You- you're what makes me feel like wak- waking up and forget all the har- hardships.' A deep breath steadies a voice on the edge of breaking but which still has to explain what is going on beneath the surface. 'It's... the tarot...'

'Let me read that.' Without protest, the notebook is picked up for further inspection, brows gradually creasing while investigating the entries based on intuition. 'Y/N, this... is wrong judgement. You remember what you told me about tarot when I was in Osaka, right? It's all about interpretation and intuition, but it's only a guideline. Look, I know your readings seem too accurate to simply ignore, you told me that and I've seen the light in your eyes when you gushed about it every time it came up. Withal, remember those words. It's only a guideline.'

It is funny how repeated statements, certainly when they are one's own, can sound so foreign when hearing them after a long time and spoken by another individual. Nevertheless, it does not always mean they lose their credibility and Taehyung is right to bring the reminder of this particular one. 'I recall. Sorry, I'm such a drama queen. I should've talked to you about this instead of completely trusting the cards.' Speech has finally reached the level of steadiness it had before the distress took over, no longer trembling hands with strained white knuckles accepting the journal to put it away in the spot where it was put before while the breakfast tray is retrieved and placed between us. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't apologize,' a warm cup of black coffee is handed over with the beginning of the characteristic square smile. 'You're still my queen.'

The cheesy remark coaxes out a girlish giggle which triggers the full boxy smile that is seen so rarely nowadays. 'You're such a bootlicker.'

One hand steadily wrapped around the right shin, a physical show of comfort and the promise to remain, brekkie is spent in a still half-asleep though all but awkward silent state. Sometimes it is disturbed by teasing with food, either Tae tempting me or vice versa to take a bite of the person's chocolate croissant, or supposedly clean the crumbs by small pecks and talk about the spots that were discovered on the free days during the tour and have to be revisited together when schedules allow it.

Between sips of freshly made orange juice, this special trait so recognizable due to the somehow different flavour when the currently blonde man makes it, three words are spoken in pure content. 'I missed this.'

'Me too.' A similar joyous tone colours the ocean deep voice. With one big gulp, the singer finishes his drink and places the empty glass back on the tray. 'I also missed doing this.'

However, in the time the remaining empty glass between fingers is gently removed to join its counterpart and the entire tray now littered with the last remains of the food and empty jam packages is carefully put back on the ground, something darker has crept into speech and also reached almond-shaped puppy eyes that now have taken on a look devoid of innocence. 'But I also missed this.'

The heart begins to race with excitement when lips find each other and bodies instantly react to one another as if there had never been a timeless enduring gap keeping them apart. Fingers run through short sand-toned hair, causing the lower lip to be caught between perfect white teeth that withhold a low pleased rumble as tanned ones hastily undo the already loose bathrobe. One pair wraps around the right hip as the others offer support by gripping the sheets next to the fluffy pillow when the spine meets the soft mattress again.

The golden sunlight gives the caramel skin a honey-toned sheen, making the sweet lover above not a mere man but a beautiful miracle that seems too good to be true. Yet, the mind is fully aware of the fact he is real.

We are here.

Together after another long separation that certainly will not be the last, but still as strong.

Feathery light, the tips of slender fingers brush over the paper-thin lace of the short nightgown that gradually is replaced by alabaster silk the lower they go. 'If I'd known you always wear things like these to bed, I'd come home way earlier.'

'I don't always, but maybe I should.' A splendid idea of sending pictures posing in a similar outfit simply to tease comes up, making the mischievous grin grow wider. 'Send you a few photos before you go on stage.'

'Don't you dare do that.' A short painful sting treks through the neck when teeth sink into the skin to place a mark of belonging as a punishment for the cheeky remark. 'But at any other time: definitely.'

The wonderful sensation of goosebumps gets evoked as the trail of teeth grazing over the no longer hollow shell of a woman and leaving marks in their wake alongside digits dusting over warmth expands, the thorough exploration downward continuing in a possessive yet affectionate manner.