Warnings

abuse of drugs

suicidal thoughts

☞ strong language

Harry sloppily licked the joint shut, lit it up, breathed in the narcotic substance and willingly welcomed it to swamp his lungs and numb his mind, desperately yearning for it to empower his brain so his thoughts would dissipate and become lost within the haze of smoke.

He might have actually fúcked up this once because that is the first time in five years he would be spending Christmas Eve alone, probably the rest of his life as well, but that thought was for another day, another joint.

He wants to blame it on the person who got him hooked on the carcinogenic material he now sniffed, smoked, and injected into his bloodstream on a daily bases and made him forget about his once-upon-a-time sole addiction, Niall, but that would not do his situation any justice, just give him some false hope.

He would take any hope thrown his way really.

Niall was probably the only person who put up with the almost always high Harry; the only person who would ever love him enough to do so actually, and he managed to lose the only normality he had left in his life as well.

He lost Niall.

"Bravoooo Harry . . . Harreh . . . Styling? Yes! Bravo Harry Styling." He stood up and bowed to the audience his mind displayed before him. "You lost your dearest Niel Horan."

I'm tired of dealing with your fúcked up, drug addict, crack whóre áss. I'm fúcking done with you.

Harry hoped he would die from overdosing soon.

• • •

Harry's hair was pulled into a messy and greasy bun atop his head. His skin was so sickly, and if Niall saw him like that, he would have a proper freak out.

But he wasn't there anymore.

So, Harry did not find it in himself to even bother with life whatsoever. What was the point anyway?

Niall was not there to love him and give his arid being a sip of the normality his azure eyes possessed; the one Harry dropped somewhere along the way, accompanied by his sense and ability to differentiate between what's wrong and right.

Because everything in his life was wrong, and his mind deciphered that a little too late for his own good.

His fingers shook violently as he desperately tried to roll a fiver without all of its contents spilling out before he could smoke it. He was itching to have the God forsaken substance flood his bloodstream and gently carry him to the furthest shade of ecstasy he can reach.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Oblivion.

Harry was slowly spiraling into the pit of no return. When Niall was there, he could depend on the faux blond to catch him before he fell in too deep, but now since his barricade was no more, he did not really mind falling, in fact, he awaited no-return to envelope him.

So amidst all the conundrum and ecstasy his mind lay a mess within, he picked up his phone and dialed Niall's number.

Niall never ignored Harry's calls.

But he did this time, and if that was not finality to Harry, he did not know what was.

• • •

It was Christmas morning when a disoriented Harry woke up calling Niall's name, only to have the virtue of remembrance smack his pathetic self conscious to his fúcked up situation.

Right, Niall wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

He checked his phone, half hoping to find the annual Christmas messages from Louis, Liam, and Zayn. He can't say he was surprised to find nothing but a short message from his sister and a slightly longer one from his mom.

Even his friends were done with him.

The fact that he literally had no one struck him hard. He can't exactly go up to his mom and tell her 'hey mom I'm a drug addict now and I need your help' because no, the disappointment would be too much for him to handle. His older sister was out there making something out of herself and her life; he would rather die than set her back.

His three best friends have every right to abandon his sorry áss, but he couldn't help but hope that they would at least check if he was still alive. He knew they loved him . . . but not this him.

He pressed on the name without sparing it a second thought, if Louis gave up on him completely as well, he did not know what he would do with himself.

"What do you want Harry?" Louis snapped harshly, and Harry flinched. He was still not used to this treatment.

"I-I . . . Lou, please I need you." Harry sobbed, and Louis barely made out his best friend's desperate plea because his voice was so croaky and just . . . too heart-breaking to hear.

"Haz . . ." Louis' concerned voice rang in his ear. It was his undoing.

"Please Lou, I need you to come here." Harry whimpered.

"Haz . . . I'm sorry, but I can't. I promised Zayn we would go to his parents' for Christmas, and we are about to drive down to Bradford right now." Harry's heart plummeted to his feet.

"I . . . I understand." A wounded whisper was all he could emit as a response.

"I'll come to yours first thing when we get back to London, yeah?" Louis felt an unwelcome surge of guilt run through him, but he had already promised his boyfriend that they would go to Bradford for Christmas. Harry would be okay until then, Louis assured himself.

"That won't be necessary, Lou. Say hi to Zayn for me." Harry sobbed, and Louis almost drove down to his house right then and there, almost.

"Will do Haz. Merry Christmas babe."

"Merry Christmas to you too." Harry's monotone voice worried Louis immensely.

"Thanks Haz. Love you, bye."

In retrospect, Louis should have gone to Harry's instead.

• • •

This is merry Christmas to you

We're all in love with Christmas

It's true

And all I want for Christmas, is you

I said all I want for Christmas, is you

Niall stared down with confusion and fondness at the text message Harry just sent him. He would always send him weird messages with whatever bizarre thought crossed his mind.

You miss him.

Niall dismissed the thought as he locked his phone and averted his gaze back to the Christmas movie he was watching. He was itching to call Harry. . . to hear his voice, but he willed himself not to succumb into his urges. He didn't want to be dragged back into the mess that is his bewitched lover.

You didn't mind for a long time, so what's different now?

Niall couldn't bear seeing how much Harry has fúcked himself over.

You should have helped him through it then.

That ended Niall's internal battle with his thoughts. His phone buzzed with another message, but he simply ignored it when he saw Harry's name displayed across the screen.

Nobody can handle me

I'm gone when the shít's too strong

The night's too long

I took too much and I've gone too far

And I might not make it

I might not make it

This time I might not make it

In retrospect, he should have read Harry's message.

• • •

Harry laid the reason to his misery and survival . . . and his impending death simultaneously, before him on the glass table.

He never had this much methamphetamine to intake into his system before.

It will kill you.

And that is exactly what he wanted, so without so much as a second thought, he snorted all the meth.

He laid his head back and sunk further into the leather couch, awaiting death to beckon his soul.

• • •

"Hey Lauren, I'll just make a quick stop by Harry's house to see what this boy has been up to lately. We haven't really passed by his house ever since Niall broke up with him . . ." Liam trailed off as a frown overtook his features. Thinking about it, it probably was not the best decision on their behalf.

"Sure babe." Lauren gave him a sweet smile that managed to ease his worry slightly.

• • •

"Yes, Louis. His car is parked outside and the lights are on, but he won't open up. I've been banging on his door for the past ten minutes. He should have woken up by now." Liam ran a frustrated hand through his hair.

"Knock the fúcking door down Liam. He called me this morning, and you know Harry can never go to bed with the lights around his house on, that and he's a light sleeper. Something is wrong." Louis' frantic voice further stressed Liam out.

"Fine. Give me a minute." Liam put the phone on speaker and handed it to a worried Lauren as he motioned for her to take a step back.

With all his might, he rammed himself into Harry's door, and almost tumbled down face first when it flew open.

He quickly ran to Harry's sickening form and almost puked at the amount of the ungodly drugs he must have consumed.

"Harry fúcking Styles, wake up right the fúck now you fúcking ásshóle." Liam kept on slapping Harry's ice cold face, but to no avail. Harry remained a lifeless form before him.

"L-Liam?" Came Louis' terrified whisper through the phone.

"Louis I'm taking him to the hospital right away. I-I . . . he might be gone, Lou." Liam whimpered in horror.

"Shít! Zayn, we're going back to London right now." And that was the last thing Liam heard before Louis hung up, and before he picked up Harry's emaciated, lifeless body and ran to the car; the only thought running through his head was that they should have known better than to leave him alone like that.

• • •

Harry woke up with a loud cry tearing its way out of his mouth. He took in his surroundings slowly, only for his eyes to widen when he saw his four best friends sleeping almost on top of each other . . . in a hospital room.

Liam begrudgingly opened his eyes, having heard the terrified cry. His gaze landed onto a very much awake Harry, and he almost fainted from surprise.

"Fúcking finally." He hollered in relief and managed to wake up the other three boys.

Harry remained wide-eyed as the weight of three people landed on top of him. Their murmurs of apology morphed into one indecipherable sound in his ears.

He tried to recollect whatever the reason as to why he was in a hospital room.

You overdosed.

Right, Harry thought.

"I'm so fúcking sorry Haz. I should have come; I should have come when you asked me to. I should have . . ." Louis choked on his own sobs, and Harry's heart twisted for his best friend.

"It's okay Lou. It's not your fault your best mate is an idiot." He croaked out for the first time ever since he woke up, wanting to put Louis out of his misery. He was aware of Niall's burning stare on him, and he tried avoiding it to the best of his ability. He won't be able to face Niall without having him in his arms. He can't talk to him . . . just as a friend.

"Harry . . . seeing you lying so unresponsive and lifeless . . . it killed me, Haz. Please don't do that to me again." Liam whispered into his neck.

So, it was Liam who found him.

"I'm sorry, Li." Harry pressed a kiss to his forehead and patted his shoulder comfortingly.

"You're a fúcking idiot Harry; I hate you." Zayn's voice cracked, betraying him. Harry knew that was his version of 'I love you'.

"Love you too, Zee." Then Zayn was on top of him, hugging him tightly.

Niall's silence was torturing Harry.

A couple of minutes later, after the boys calmed down and had a nurse come and check up on Harry, they excused themselves from the room and left Harry to face the still eerily quiet Niall.

"Niall?"

That seemed to rouse the blond from his reverie, because as soon as Harry spoke, Niall marched towards Harry's bed . . . and landed a loud smack onto the anxious boy's cheek.

"What the fúck Niall?" Harry spluttered as he clutched his throbbing cheek.

"What the fúck were you thinking, huh?" Niall roared, causing Harry to flinch noticeably. When the verdant-eyed boy lowered his head in shame and didn't answer, he continued.

"Do you know how fúcking worried I was Harry? Do you know how much pain I felt when the fúcked up boy I love landed himself in a coma for two months because he's fúcking retarded and almost killed himself?" Niall stopped when Harry's eyes moistened with unshed tears.

"You killed me the day you left me, Niall." Harry whispered brokenly, and ouch. The sheer heartbreak in Harry's words twisted at Niall's heart horribly, and hearing Harry's pained voice utter these words ruined him completely.

He hurled himself onto a startled Harry and wrapped his arms around the one who had his heart ever since day one.

It felt like he was finally breathing properly again, and Harry felt the cracks around his heart fill up with Niall Niall Niall.

Niall knew it would be challenging to fix Harry, to free his Harry from the virulent grasp of meth, but he won't be giving up on him again any time soon.

Harry almost died, and Niall never wanted to feel the fear and pain that gripped his heart throughout the whole ordeal ever again.

So he held Harry closer, breathed in his relaxing smell, and pressed a gentle kiss to the nape of his neck. A silent reassurance to the younger boy.

Niall laughed for the first time ever since he left Harry when he heard his favorite boy hoarsely whisper in his ear,

Anywhere you want, I can take you there

I swear baby

Anything you need, I can get for you

Be clear baby

Boy you are my drug, how I fiend for you

Beware baby

Ay, yeah baby

A•N•

2360 words of búllshít.

I don't know what is this myself. I hope y'all like it though.

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Thank you lovelies

-x