Trigger warning : substance abuse, ptsd ,and mention of death and depression.

Lily's p.o.v

My heartbeats started echoing in my ears making me feel pulled to consciousness in a sudden way.

My body was too numb to move and my eyes felt like they were glued shut

My head feels fuzzy and I fought to make a moaning sound before trying to open my eyes.

That was a week ago, I woke up from a month of coma to face the horrible reality of what Victoria did to me.

I couldn't speak for days only silently crying as Rosalie and Emmett by my side comforting me.

I was glad they are here but also angry they weren't when I needed them.

Since then, I couldn't sleep without help and even then I got bonechilling nightmares.

When I was in a condition enough to ask what did they tell them I was hit by the horrible reality that my sweet sweet Nana was also a victim of that bloodsucking bitch.

I couldn't deal with her lost , she was the only family I got and she died because of me!

" why didn't you turn me! I want to kill that bitch with my own hands " Emmett looked at Rosalie in worry as she looked at me sadly,

" we had to try to save your humanity first, we can't do that to you. Take away your life without your consent "

I bit my tongue as the tears betrayed me .

I just knew, I felt it inside that the reason why they didn't want to turn me is because I'm a menace to them. They're only trying to stay with me enough till I die and not be plagued with my burden all eternity.

I didn't voice it though, I knew they'll disagree but I had it in my heart. All the people I love end up hurt or leaving me. I just know one day they'll just disappear.

When I came back home I have a total breakdown again and they decided I should live with them for a while. I couldn't refuse that. Anywhere but that house and my mother.

I wasn't surprised to hear her only coming to check if grandma left her any heritage and got back without me or checking on me despite I was between life and death.

She probably prayed for her mistake to just die but I didn't.

Unfortunately for her, grandma loved me more than her and left the restaurant and the house in my name.

I sighed again curled up in a fancy chair looking out the giant window to the forest .

At night, it looks like an endless darkness that becomes a background to my thoughts.

The cullens were very nice and compassionate with me, Bella comes over to see me everyday and she confessed that she feels that everything is her fault, if it wasn't for her, the psycho vampires wouldn't have tracked us down and hurt me a lot more than her.

I shook my head stopping her guilty thoughts " they were onto me way before that, they saw me once near the house smoking and they were going to kill me then but I ran inside and they decided to wait .... that bitch took her time to tell me just what kind of horrible things they would've done to me then " it was the first time I ever shared what exactly happened when I was at her captivity .

Bella hugged me tightly comforting me as I cried silently remembering everything again.

After she left, I took the sleeping pills again and went to sleep just to forget. I seem to do that everytime I feel anything .

I didn't graduate... wasn't a shocker none of us went back to school after that accident .

To Forks people, I was the unfortunate person to live through the wrath of a grizzly bear and a fall from a high hill as my grandmother didn't survive any. I however only had few breaths to call Rosalie for help and that's how they found me

To humans, they'd believe anything if you were good at lying and hiding the supernatural truth.

" hey baby would you like a hot chocolate milk .. it's your favorite " Emmett entered my room cutting my thoughts.

I shook my head no as his smile faded . Our relationship took a big hit after this. I couldn't be my oldself again and with the drugs I get to help with my ptsd .... it became harder to feel anything.

" I'm better now, I can try again... to live in my nanas house " I brought the subject again making him frown a little

" it's too early , you can stay with us forever please . " he gave me one of his sad looks that makes my heart slightly feel something

" I can't keep living here. That house has the memory of Nana and it's mine now... I have to go back there and try to figure out the restaurant situation " I spoke, hearing my monotoned voice that I can't recognize anymore. Drained from life itself .

Emmett nodded sadly as Rosalie entered my room frowning. She couldn't talk to me for days, I knew that what happened to me is close to her human tragedy that led her here but she could've been more help to me rather than staying like that .

It was one of the reasons why I want to go back... our relationship broke more than my bones. I knew they'll feel horribly guilty but I didn't think they'll treat me like their own mistake.

These days, everyone make me feel like I'm the " human contact gone wrong " charity case.

Carlisle is always on doctor mode , Esme tries to make me as comfortable as possible without bothering me. That sweet woman couldn't stop hugging me and treating me like her daughter but I feel like she's trying to fix it .

Jasper can't stand next to me for more than two minutes without flinching or trying to numb me, violet tried to talk and be with me but she can see that I became a shell of a person and gave me my space.

Alice feels like it's her fault she didn't see my future and she's not around a lot without showing me her sadness.

Edward is never home and if he is, he tries to become the therapist that can read minds .

And my boyfriend and girlfriend dance around the elephant in the room . Never talking about it, never trying to put me in my little space again since I confessed that I struggle to feel it anymore .

So life after a redhead, really became Hell .

A/N: I'm sorry I don't know how to write this without repeating myself