RAVI DIDN'T STOP driving until we were far past the town limits, and it was only then that my breathing was able to return to normal. He didn't say much, content to let me crank up the radio so I could drown out the noise of my inner turmoil. I hadn't noticed it until now, but it was a beautiful day. The afternoon sun was beaming in the sky, streaks of white stretching across the blue, and I rolled down the window to let the fresh air into the car.

Closing my eyes, I took it all in. It was grounding; enough to slow down my heart rate and relax my shoulders, reminding me that the world outside was bigger than my problems, even if they felt insurmountable at times.

When the car began to ease into a stop, I blinked as if coming out of a trance. I would've been content to drive for all eternity.

Ravi had taken us to the lighthouse, a looming, white structure that kept watch over the coast, framed by the long reeds that moved with the breeze beneath it. I exhaled heavily at the sight.

He turned to look at me after shifting the vehicle into park, putting an end to the music and lifting an eyebrow. "Disappointed?"

I eagerly shook my head. "No, this is perfect," I told him. "I haven't been here in ages."

Smiling, he clicked his door open, stepping out onto the grass. "Good."

I'd driven past the lighthouse on many occasions but I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually set foot outside the car and sat beneath it, watching the waves and breathing in the salty air.

Popping open the trunk, Ravi extracted a worn blanket and a small cooler, before setting off on the grassy stone path, looking overdressed in his black jeans and leather jacket.

I watched him quizzically, following behind, holding my hands out for balance as we ascended the hill. The wind began to pick up the higher up we got, but Ravi was able to find a sheltered spot for us to set up camp. He spread out the blanket, then took a seat next to the cooler, gesturing for me to take the open space beside him.

I sank into it slowly, sitting criss-crossed and tucking my hair behind my ear. I gave him a confused look as he opened the lid. "Did you know this was going to happen?" I asked, laughing a little. "Why do you have all that?"

He quirked a dark eyebrow, producing a beer from the box. "I was planning on coming out here today. This worked out better." He offered the bottle to me. "It's nice to have some company."

Biting the inside of my cheek, I stared at it for a moment. I wasn't much of a drinker, but maybe desperate times called for desperate measures. After another beat of contemplation, I accepted the drink, wet with condensation, uncapping it and taking a sip, crinkling my nose at the taste.

Ravi chuckled, amusement dancing in his eyes as he shook his head.

My lips twitched, though I didn't understand the joke. "What?"

"You think so hard about everything," he explained, grinning as he uncapped his own beer. "It's sweet."

I felt a burn in my cheeks at his words, unsure of what to say to that. Instead of answering, I looked out toward the water, sparkling in the sunlight. I toyed with the bottle in my hands, suddenly feeling nervous. I'd hung out with Ravi quite a bit by now, but his sister was usually in tow, and we were almost always in Mugs, surrounded by swirling activity. Here, it was just us.

He seemed to notice the change in my expression, his features softening with sympathy. "Still hung up on that guy, huh?" he asked.

I grunted softly, taking another sip to delay answering. "What gave it away?"

Ravi laughed shortly. "Everything."

I could feel my face warm again, and I shifted uncomfortably. If there was one thing I'd learned in the last month or so, it was that to everyone else, I seemed to be an open book, wearing my heart on my sleeve. I was constantly trying to do my best to suppress the way I felt, but apparently I was only doing the opposite.

"Going to school with an ex is a special kind of torture I would wish on no one," he continued, his lips torn between a small, empathetic smile, and a grimace.

"You, too?"

He nodded, stretching out with a sigh, leaning back on his elbows. "Yeah, freshman year. Thank God they eventually transferred, but it was hell for a while there."

"I know the feeling," I murmured. I didn't think there had been another point in my life that was as consistently painful as this one was turning out to be. But while it was definitely hell, it was a hell that I'd personally created for myself. "I've been fighting the urge to transfer all semester."

Ravi peered at me out of the corner of his eye. "I wouldn't blame you if you did," he remarked. "I wouldn't like it either, though."

At that, I cracked a smile. "I'll hold out for a little while longer," I reassured him. "But I make no promises."

He went quiet for a few beats, and I took the time to bask in the warm glow of the sun, the light breeze playing with the ends of my hair. As I watched a fishing boat glide along the surface of the water in the distance, I felt a sense of peace. Almost happiness, but not quite there yet.

"What did he even do?" Ravi questioned finally, and my eyes flickered back to him, the moment of peace instantly disintegrating as my limbs became rigid. "Must've been a hell of a lot."

I swallowed, riveting my gaze to the blanket beneath us. "He. . ." I trailed off, voice wavering. "He didn't do anything."

He scoffed, giving me an incredulous look. "Come on, Viv," he protested. "That can't be true. You had to have a reason to break up."

"I did have a reason," I ventured quietly, refusing to meet his eyes. "I still have a reason."

"Okay." He shrugged. "What is it?"

I bit down hard on the inside of my lip. "It's a long story," I explained feebly. "And it was my fault."

"Hey," Ravi said, softening his voice, and I glanced up. His eyes were inviting. Warm, and free of judgement. Safe. He gestured out to the open water, stretching on endlessly in front of us. "We've got nothing but time."

I told him everything.

I hadn't intended to tell him anything at all, but once I started, I couldn't stop. It felt like all of the baggage I'd been carrying with me for the past year had been spilled onto the ground in front of his feet, leaving him to try to clean up the mess I'd made. And by the end, my cheeks were streaked with tears, my breathing ragged as I relived the pain I'd tried so hard to force myself to forget.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I smoothed a hand over my stomach absentmindedly, before taking a slow, steadying breath. Ravi had remained attentive and serious through it all, his expression giving away nothing but sympathy. It was a frightening feeling to have all of my secrets laid out on the table. I didn't regret it, though. There was a safety that came with telling Ravi. He wasn't involved. He didn't know Will.

After a heavy silence, he spoke.

"Fuck," he breathed.

I glanced up, afraid to see the look on his face, but to my relief, he looked at me the same way he did before. Sniffling, I swiped my fingers beneath my eyes, trying to keep them from trembling.

"Vivienne," he started, speechless for a moment. He reached out, touching a hand to my leg gently. I met his gaze, blinking back any remaining tears. "You should talk to him."

Instantly, I shook my head, feeling frantic. "I can't," I stammered. "I—It's too late."

"It's never too late," he disagreed, speaking softly as if he might scare me away. "Give him a chance to understand. Besides, I think he deserves to know."

"No, Ravi," I persisted. "It's too late. And he has a girlfriend now. The last thing he needs is for me to come back and confuse him."

Ravi let out a short laugh. "Sounds like he's already confused," he pointed out.

The words made my heart sink, confirming what I already knew within myself. I'd been confusing him since the moment I walked into Duncan Fitzgerald's house at the end of August. Or rather, since I'd walked away from him the August before that. I took another deep breath, the image of his hurt expression in the hallway today coming to the forefront of my mind.

"From now on, I'm going to leave him alone," I declared firmly, and Ravi's eyebrows raised. "For real this time. And judging by our conversation after class today, he's going to do the same."

"But you don't want that," Ravi clarified. I began to feel a headache brewing at my temple.

"I can't want anything else," I told him, my lips lifting in a barren smile.

He held my gaze for a few beats, before sighing and shaking his head. "Well, I wish you the best," he concluded, seeming as though he'd given up on the argument. "Do what makes you the happiest."

Subconsciously, I could feel the sting of tears again behind my eyes at the latter statement. It was a direction I was certain I wouldn't be following, but that was okay. My happiness wasn't what mattered in this instance.

"Thanks, Ravi," I murmured. "I appreciate you listening. I've never really told anyone all of it before."

He gave me a soft smile, nudging my arm amicably. "Anytime you need a beer and an ear, you know where to find me."

I burst into laughter, and the heaviness of our previous conversation was immediately relieved. It felt like a boulder had been temporarily lifted off my chest. Ravi grinned, and we were smoothly able to transition to a different topic, sliding into it with ease. I was grateful for the distraction.

We stayed beneath the lighthouse for hours, long enough that the autumn sun began to dip low toward the horizon, and it was only then that it seemed appropriate to leave. Ravi carried the cooler, and I folded up the blanket, following him down the trail with the sunset at my back, as the air around us dropped in temperature.

The day had gotten off to a rocky start, and it was a stark juxtaposition to the way it was ending. I felt the ache of losing Will for the second time—he was always in the back of my mind. But this afternoon had left me feeling like maybe this was finally the new beginning I had claimed it was going to be.

At the same time, Ravi's words remained in my head. He deserves to know. This idea wasn't foreign to me, I'd known it even while it was happening, but it was odd to have someone say it aloud to me. Back then, everything had felt so unspeakable, though I'd just effectively proved myself wrong by telling it all to Ravi. Will deserved a proper explanation as to why I'd left without being able to provide him a legitimate reason; he was owed one a year ago.

He hadn't bought the long distance spiel I'd fed him at the time, and I didn't blame him. He'd never been opposed to my photography internship abroad. In fact, he was the person encouraging me to go for it the most. We'd made plans for him to visit me in Japan. He'd started to put away money for the trip.

But then I'd turned around, and told him I couldn't do it anymore.

It was the deepest form of betrayal, and it wasn't even true.

As I slid into the passenger's seat of Ravi's car, I reminded myself of my promise. Will may have been owed an explanation, but it was too little too late. I refused to meddle with his life any more than I already had.

┅

song: smoke signals - phoebe bridgers

this is the last chapter i have in stock, so i'm not sure when the next update will be. but hopefully soon! i haven't actually written anything new in a long time and it's a little daunting these days so please bear with me <3

thanks so much for reading, and i hope you enjoyed the chapter ミ☆