I can't write this letter.

I've tried several times, but hours turn into restless days.

You really were the soul made for me yet when I met you, you were not mine. You were my best friends and it was dreadful.

I met you through Taehyung of course. That boy knew everyone and anyone. He could make friends in a single night... Sober. All he had to do was stand on a table with a glass bottle in his hand, sing loudly or compliment a stranger noisily with a boxy smile.

And I'm the complete opposite.

That day you saw Taehyung for the first time, I was in my bunny costume, inattentive by your presence. But you were always looking at him, never me. I was never someone you noticed because I was just Kooky... Just me.

At least that's what I thought.

It hurt but I understood. You were his from the beginning.

I never felt anything but an attraction for you at the start. You were a pretty girl that's all, you were my best friends' girlfriend.

We started to have a friendship that was too adored to tear.

I wish I never started developing feelings for you. I wish I never started to see you the way I used to see stars in the night sky. You became my star. And you were always there, no matter how isolated. Even to this day, I can't drive or walk home without looking up and thinking about you.

I never minded your presence either. You were my kind of person. I would always look forward to us spending time together, even if that meant me being the third wheel. I liked seeing you have fun.

But the times we spent together in my apartment, in yours, in the library, in the bus- anywhere, it was just the two of us being comfortable with each other's gratifying and tranquil presence.

Just two humans having fun, authentic and innocent love.

One of my favourite things was us sharing earphones. It was part of our routine. On the bus back home, watching a video on my laptop together, a movie together, you showing me a Korean drama with a man that apparently resembled me, us sharing each other's music taste.

You'd have one in your ear, the other in mine as we leaned back. We would stare out of the bus window, letting the heaven like music immerse us, blocking out alarming reality as the sweet harmonies, voices and beats took over the astounding feeling in our chests.

Every time we did that, I wanted to hold your hand because I felt so safe in the world. With you.

I loved spending time with you. Us on my couch, distant but always scooting closer to show the other something hilarious. You making us drinks late at night and you'd always put an extra spoon of sugar because it's better sweet! Sometimes, you even made popcorn. Me walking you home, never letting you walk alone in the dark. I'm your bodyguard- I used to tell you. We were joking but I was serious.

I loved it when we went stargazing that one random night. It was when we were together.

It was your idea and I remember looking at you with a look that said- what the fuck. But you smiled widely and messed the front of my dark bangs with your fingers before telling me to hurry up.

So, I filled a few bottles of water, a bag of snacks, blankets, a beanie, my favourite hoodie for you and I joined you as we got into my car, you wanting to drive. So, I let you because that way, I could look at you and you'd always catch me staring right back at you.

And you'd smile, toss your hair back and say, Jungkook!

And I'd raise my voice, teasing you- Serenity!

Every moment was better when I'd make you laugh.

I thought you being interested in me was a lie to make me feel better, to show pity and just use me with no feelings attached. But your letter holds different thoughts, feelings from you that bring back hidden away feelings from me... Such as a yearning to love. I don't know what to think anymore.

The real Jungkook was the one you spent time with- the rebound, the friend. The ridiculous one that would try his best to make you laugh, the one who picked you up when you were droopy or sullen, the one who was too shy to sleep in the same bed as you and fell off the bed in the middle of the night, the one who likes to underline quotes in books he likes, the one who's music defined him and the one who felt too much for you.

I had no idea Taehyung cheated. When I approached you to say hello you seemed irritated and I wanted to do nothing but wrap my arms around you.

I don't understand myself. We had spent so much time together in the past ... Watching YouTube videos together, movies, the library and us helping each other with university assignments. So why did my allurement get the best out of me on that one evening? When I kissed you and I felt disgusted because you were dating my best friend.

The kiss was a dream because you kissed me back. Our lips moved together so evenly, so full of teases and future promises meant to be broken as our eyes closed. You gripped my flannel in your hand, bringing me closer as my hand stayed on top of yours that was balled into a fist. Our kiss was sweeter than the hot chocolate we drank that night.

But is it bad that I felt less guilty when I found out that Taehyung had cheated on you?

The kiss we shared made me feel like I would never have you, ever again, it left a bad aftertaste.

But I was wrong.

Taehyung made a mistake. But you're a good person because instead of blaming him with shouts and pulling his hair out, you communicated with him and understood the situation from his perspective.

He knows he did wrong and as long as he knows, he is good. I know he's my humane best friend who still feels bad. But everything happens for a reason doesn't it?

I wanted to be the one for you every time you looked at a photograph or painting in awe. I wanted to be the one for you every time you hugged me from behind when I made you hot toast for when you were ill. I wanted to be the one for you when you told me you woke up every morning and the first thing you did was go outside, wanting crisp air and to hear the birds sing. I wanted to be the one for you when I hugged you from behind and sang my version of euphoria for you on the balcony. I wanted to be the one for you when you danced with me, laughed with me, made love with me.

I wanted to be the one for you when I brought us home, me sober and you incredibly drunk, a giggling mess that still looked beautiful. You puked up in the toilet as I held your hair back. I got into bed as you had a shower and you joined me later, not letting me hold you.

I don't know why you were so sad that night. You seemed so alone even with me beside you.

The next morning, you were awake before me. You sat in the dining room with one cup of tea and one cup of coffee in front of you, clouds of steaming air above them. You met my eyes, yours holding anguish as you quickly looked down.

I knew you needed me. So, I went up to you silently, made you stand up and placed you on my lap. You wrapped your arms around me and cried into my chest.

Why were you crying? Was it because of Taehyung cheating on you or was it because you felt guilty about using me as your rebound?

Why can't life be simple?

I wish it was:

I liked you and you liked me.

But unfortunately, it was:

I liked you and you didn't.

We did just want to love, and I thought what we had was filled with virtue, luxury and sentiment. So, I'm thankful.

I didn't mind what we had. I didn't mind being used. But there was a part of me that wanted to be like those couples you see in the streets, freely holding each other's hands, arms around each other, kissing them randomly, calling each other girlfriend/boyfriend and those that feel mutual towards each other.

I love that you remember our memories but my favourite moments with you include us laying on my bed, tired after a day out and you cuddling into my neck, kissing me slowly and mentioning how much you adore me. You playing with my hair whilst sitting on my lap, my strands running through your fingers as we stared at each other. Driving you to takeout's at two am and kissing in the drive-through. You dragging me to places whilst holding my hand, refusing to let go. You jumping on my back, demanding me to pick you up and me pretending to drop you as you screamed.

I wanted it to be loving all the time- no secrets.

But I knew it would be complicated.

I used to hate myself for hoping something more from you, for hoping we could be something. And I guess I still stupidly hope for you to come back to me.

Because I saw you recently, at the party and you looked so beautiful that it took my breath away. The eye contact we shared still hasn't left my mind. I stumbled in my steps and had to run away, not ready because after all these years ... Why did I still want you?

Receiving your letter was overwhelming. I didn't want to believe it because I didn't want to get my hopes up. But my hopes came crashing down when I realised it was a letter from years ago, that you probably don't feel the same way anymore.

Taehyung got over us, he wore a real smile when we talked things through, and he had no rivalry or annoyance in his good heart. He told me you were, still are the perfect person for me.

The two of us decided to see you as nothing but a memory after university because we thought we'd never see you again. We were wrong.

Your wake-up call was my emotionally abusive girlfriend? That's funny because when she came to visit me, she made me realise just how much I'd grown. I didn't want and love her the way I used to. I see nothing but horrible flashbacks when I think about her. Seeing her that evening, act so differently ... So desperate for my attention, my touch and me in general was ... Odd.

I didn't even want her to come inside but she invited herself in, thinking she could twist me around her finger again. She was very wrong. I haven't talked to her since.

She no longer exists for me.

But seeing resentment flash in your eyes when you saw her touch me, when you saw someone else wanting me ... It made me hope.

Because that must have meant something right?

But then you left me.

It was heart-breaking when you broke down in tears, unable to talk or breathe. My heart felt torn apart when you told me you couldn't do this anymore.

Because that day, I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend.

I told you not to cry, afraid I was going to cry too because I knew what was coming. But I held you close to me as possible, knowing it would be the last time.

I'm going to let you leave me. Because I love you.

How do you remember what I said?

I belong to you. My heart, body does and maybe I always will.

You wrote in your letter that we could've been unimaginable. You're right. So why didn't you stay?

And please if you ever see me walking along the street or having a cup of coffee or dancing on the street like a weirdo, please come up to me. Kiss me, punch me, spill coffee on me- just acknowledge me.

It's funny how I'm still waiting for this, for a girl who made it clear from the start that she didn't plan on falling in love with me.

How stupid of you Kook.

I kissed you one last time, still in tears as we smiled.

Our last kiss left me with the feeling of you saying- wait for me.

I am okay Serenity; life is treating me well which is cordial ... And I'm still in love with you. But I don't have the grit to contact you and tell you. You'd feel pity, right?

Your letter means more than you know. It's something I can't help but read every day. I imagine you reading it to me sometimes. I can tell all your genuine feelings and thoughts went into writing it. Thank you for sending it, even if it was never meant to be sent to me. But the importance of your letter to me is bigger than you think Serenity.

Will you ever have the tenacity to come up to me and love me back the same ... Because I've been waiting ever since you left.

I'm glad you loved me, at least it was not unrequited.

Still hoping

Still hoping

Still hoping

For a future ...

With you.

With us.

I love you.

Only yours, Jeon Jungkook.