"I know I'm always in my head

But some things, they must be said.

Two wrongs make no right

When it's left, at least we tried.

I'll be back tonight

I'll let you decide,

To leave my life outside

All my life outside,

Or let me in..."

— Outside // Zayn Malik

ɤɤɤɤɤɤɤɤ

Mishti doesn't express much. She never does. It's not in her character to feel too deep and explain it. Or maybe it is but she never worked that way.

Mishti looks at the busy street outside. It's been a regular thing now - sitting by the window with a cup of coffee in the evening till Abir returns home. "Home" - the word itself gives her chills. It's been so long she has experienced the feeling of a home and suddenly she feels like she has it all. It feels unbelievably domestic - to wake up, go to work, come back home, be a couch potato, wait for Abir, then chill together, have dinner and sleep - something Mishti never expected to have in her life. Weird enough, this lifestyle fits her life like a piece of puzzle she's been missing since forever.

It's crazy how years ago she almost hated the idea of Abir and Mishti to the core and today he has become the best friend she can trust more than herself. Who could have thought Abir would end up being the one to bring her back to life! That the one she used to run away from will be the one she stays up till midnight with - talking about anything and everything, laughing, smiling, sharing deep secrets and their most embarrassing stories.

Mishti has learned quite a lot about Abir too. Like how he despises waking up early and but can stay up all night doing nothing, how he gets all cranky and moody in the morning, how he'd get all emotional after watching some sappy romantic movies, how he scrunches his nose when he's irritated but won't say a word, how plays the same ten songs on repeat everyday while cooking, how he smells of mint and orange after taking a bath, how his lips curl up every time he looks at her and how she feels the urge to those plump rosy lips of him and this time softly, passionately, tasting every bit of his mouth...

.... Wait! What is she even thinking?

Mishti makes a mental note to not to look at Abir's lips next time.

Well she has learnt other things too. After his mother left them, Abir bought this apartment and after Mehul Rajvansh's death he moved out and made this apartment his temporary abode - but it came as no surprise when Abir found himself not wanting to go back to his parent's house and making a little home of his own here. He didn't allow anyone except Kunal to visit this place. Only once he brought Ketki, his cousin here and now Mishti has the privilege to literally live here.

Home - it is.

"Ouh, what the fuck?"

Mishti turns to find a serious-faced Abir splashing water at her.

"Well, hello to you too, Mishti. I'm glad you're awake."

"What? When did you come? I didn't --"

"Well, when you were grinning to yourself thinking about ten excuses to not make dinner tonight."

"That's not true, I was thinking about you." Mishti says as her gaze turns to Abir's lips.

Stop right here Mishti, you're not supposed to think.

"Oh well, that's new. So you do think about me. I'm flattered but there's no way I'm making dinner."

"God! Abir, it's my turn to cook today. I know. But I wasn't lying."

Abir narrows his eyes. "So you actually think about me? Me? As in, Abir the-most-handsome Rajvansh?"

"As in, Abir an-awesome-friend-I-could-have-ever-asked-for Rajvansh." Mishti air quoted.

"I- Oh, okay. I mean, yeah..." Misht chuckles looking at a nervous Abir, his cheeks are red and the poor guy isn't even able to look at her. "Thank you." He manages to say and Mishti can't hold back anymore.

She pulls him into a tight hug.

"You're blushing, you know that right?"

"No. No, I don't blush."

"But you are, Mr. Rajvansh."

And Abir finds himself so caught up in the moment that he does nothing except standing frozen. God knows how difficult it is to stay calm when Mishti is near. With time Mishti is slowly opening up more to him and this is the first time she has shown a sign - a sign for God knows what!

Don't get your hopes high, Abir!

"Mishti?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's order today."

"What?" Mishti pulls out giving a puzzled look.

"Our dinner." Abir makes a weird face. "I can't afford to sleep hungry."

"Oh, sure. This is what you've to say." Mishti shakes her head in disappointment. Well was she expecting something else?

Rest of the evening couldn't have been more awkward.

As the sun goes down, Abir finds himself sitting next to Mishti on his couch while devouring pizza & ice-cream and watching "The Notebook" on the TV. After months of uncomfortable silence and occasional deep conversations, this weirdly comfortable domestic feeling which used to be a daydream felt so real, so real that Abir can imagine himself doing this all his life. Mishti is sitting by his side, laughing and making jokes, having normal conversations and not for once she looks uncomfortable - this feels so unreal that Abir doesn't want to blink his eyes even for once. What if he blinks and it vanishes! What if...

"Abir?"

"Oh yes?"

"You're staring."

"Am I?"

"At me." Mishti smirks, making Abir's heart flutter.

"Sorry."

"No it's alright. I like your eyes."

Eyes... She likes his eyes! What is he supposed to say?

It's been nearly four months since Mishti moved in. It was too overwhelming at first - for Abir to see a distressed Mishti and her constant nightmares, her behaviour around Abir and the way she was bottling up her emotions inside her; and for Mishti to see Abir in front of her eyes everytime given their history, she constantly feared Abir catching her off guard someday and her guilt was sky-reaching seeing Abir's efforts. Neither of them spoke properly except work related purposes and Abir comforting Mishti when she had one of her nightmares. Feelings were suppressed, words were unspoken and gazes averted - ignoring the constant tension between them became so normal that now when finally the never-ending dark of the night was ending, the fear of the light seemed to have taken over.

Mishti was finally opening up and acting her normal self and unknowingly Abir was fearful again. What if one day she declares that she's leaving? In fact, what if they eventually make it but Mishti chooses to leave again? After all, that's what she's been doing! And if she's finally communicating to Abir, he definitely has certain things to talk about.

"Abir? Can I say something?"

Abir looks at her and nods. Okay, he will give her the chance to talk first.

"I don't know if this makes sense to you or not but recently I'm thinking of something. What do you think of me Abir?"

"Me? Why?"

"You're questioning me back. Answer me first."

"That's because I don't quite get your question. I guess you very well know what I think of you although it never made any sense to you."

"Abir I-" Mishti knows she sounded upset and nervous. And Abir's expression is something unreadable yet familiar.

I know you're not ready for this conversation.

I know you'll leave.

I know you're going to run away, again.

That's something you always do.

NO.

"I know what you're thinking but you're the one who understands me more than myself. That's wrong. You're always here for me even after I pushed you to your limits. And I know it's my time to give you what you deserve."

"I don't need any --"

"Neither do I. You don't need me. Maybe I don't need you to. You're not a need Abir. I want you to listen to me and accept me. I-- I just want you."

Want you.

Abir doesn't know what to do with these words!

"I've always hurt you, haven't I? Yet you never got back at me. You stayed there, endured everything silently and now you're retrieving my damaged soul from a ruin. And not for once you asked for anything. And you don't call it a favour."

"Hm." Abir bites his lips. "I-- I don't know what you're trying to say but this is never a favour for me. You deserve to be truly happy and I want you to feel the same for yourself."

"Then thanks for showing me the way to happiness Abir. You make me happy."

Once again, Abir doesn't know what to say.

"Thank you for everything Abir. As cliche as it sounds, I honestly don't know what I'd do without you."

"You don't need me." Abir says after a long pause and Mishti's heart breaks a little. She has caused this pain to Abir.

"Abir --"

"No Mishti, I get this. I know you're grateful for whatever I've done but trust me, not for once I thought of doing any favour to you or anything like that. I've always told you, you're strong. Sometimes situations break us and once we get the hold on ourselves back, it's all fine again. I just-- it's my fault that at some point I interpreted things differently and it went wrong. I've no one to blame but myself. Maybe I was not good enough or maybe I just read too much into things. And let me make this clear, just because I confessed something doesn't mean that you've to feel the same. I understand that very well and I know you can't force it."

So now Abir won't even say the damned word. Mishti sighed.

"It's not like that. Abir, I just need some time."

"No Mishti. I'm saying this again, you don't need to feel the same. You don't --"

"Listen to Me first Abir. Please let me finish." Abir can see the moist in her eyes. It's just he doesn't know where this conversation is heading to. He simply nods.

"You didn't read things wrong. You never did. In fact, you're the only one probably who could read right through my skin. And that scared me at times. You've always seen me as a strong and bold girl, you liked me and respected me for what I showed myself to be. And that scared me Abir. I was scared that someday you would learn that I'm not that strong headed and you would feel pity for me and whatever I've gone through, I hated the thought of it. That's why I always tried to keep myself closed." Mishti breathed. "Mom was right, I've not seen many people and it's wrong of me to judge the world in the yardstick of the few people I've known. When I met you I was sure not to trust anyone anymore. I believed the words like love, honesty, truth were not real. But then I met you."

Mishti didn't bother to wipe her tears.

"You know, you were different from the very first day. Just a few minutes and I felt like my whole belief system was shaking. It's as if suddenly my heart woke up and started telling me that goodness still exists. Not everyone is trying to use me. It took me some time but I started trusting you and it felt easy. It was new for me - to believe in someone I barely knew, to laugh with someone, to talk. It didn't make me feel uncomfortable and that scared me the most. I felt like a part of me started liking you, I started dreaming - I could see colours, Abir. Can you believe that? You made me see things in a new way. And then it hit me - I was changing. It was a new me and it felt uncomfortable, it scared me."

Mishti looked at Abir. He was listening. He is always listening.

"Remember the day you broke down for Kuhu and left for Delhi? That was my time to reflect on things. That was when I realised how important you've become to me. And I realised what I feel for you is maybe not just mere attraction. You talked about home and somewhere I knew I could dream of a home with you. It felt good, it felt possible. It felt so nice that I panicked. Because I knew love was something that I was not supposed to feel or cherish. It has never done good and I didn't have that confidence in my heart that I'm ready."

"But I didn't even say anything Mishti. I knew you needed time and I was happy with whatever we had."

"I know I was stupid, I overanalysed things. Yet it looked good the way it was until you mentioned Vishambhar Maheshwari. It scared the shit out of me. The thought of being associated with him was enough for me to overlook every good thing and believe that this thing we had will end up hurting me."

"And you decided to leave. You were scared and the only way to protect yourself was to leave." Abir sighed.

"But you didn't give up on me." Mishti sighed. "That was new for me. I was used to being used, I was used to being the one who everyone gives up on. I didn't know you were helping me through Nishant. That day in the cafe when we finally met after all this hide & seek, the fear again stood up. But the greedy side of me felt good that you're still there. You should have moved on. This was supposed to be a little summer thing but there you were, still waiting. I always lived in guilt since the day I left you at the party but nothing could match what I felt that day. I saw you, you were still the same. You were the one who made me want to rise above all my insecurities and embrace a life I never dreamt of. I was not used to being good, Abir. I never was."

"But you're here right now. You want to have a peaceful life, you want to do better. This is the goodness inside you that makes you want to do better." Abir smiled and Mishti's heart did a thing.

Mishti turns her gaze from Abir. "I've always ignored certain things, Abir, I didn't even know why. I keep running and running until I stand somewhere so far that I don't need to go back. Or more like, I choose to stay at a point from where going back becomes impossible. It's wrong, I know, but this is how I've been coping all along. It's really difficult for me to ignore this way of life now, I'm always running, always comfortable being inconsistent and honestly I didn't care much about people. I hardly remember a time when I sat relaxed with nothing to ponder over. No actually, there was always confusion, doubts and insecurities around me and I don't even know when the negativity became comfortable." Mishti stops as Abir gently holds her hand.

He supports her. He does.

Mishti looks straight into Abir's eyes as her lips curl up into a small smile.

"This is the most stable I've ever been in my whole life." She feels Abir's soft gaze on her. "This Abir, this is it." Mishti points towards their perfectly entangled hands. "This is keeping me sane. You are keeping me sane." Mishti now cannot say whose heart is beating louder as she comes closer to Abir. "You're my stability."

Abir's lips are trembling like he wants to say something. His hot breath touches her skin as their faces are just inches apart and Mishti can feel something inside her stomach. It's a pricking sensation yet it doesn't hurt. Instead she's enjoying it. It seems like for the first time she's ready to acknowledge this feeling - the pain that comes with it - it's beautiful, it's dreamlike. Something inside her body is pricking but it feels good. Something like pins and needles. Because she can feel the tension yet there's a certain serenity about it.

"You're my stability, Abir."

Mishti can feel Abir's getting tense as she brushes her lips against Abir's. But she smiles, because this time she knows what she's doing, more like what she wants to mean by this. So she continues, sweetly melting into the sweet and sour taste of Abir's. First slowly and then the passion takes over. Her smile widens when Abir relaxes and moves his lips against hers. And for the first time in her life, Mishti is sure of what exactly she wants from her destiny.

This is it.

This is what sanity feels like.

This is what stability feels like.

Soft and slow.

Strawberry and vanilla.

Pepper and mint.

And they both are smiling as their lips move in sync - so soft, so perfect, so homely.

You're my stability.

"You're crying Mishti." Abir pulls out as tears roll down Mishti's cheeks. Panic all over his face. "I- I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. I know you'll --"

Mishti tilts her head and smiles.

"Don't let me go Abir, will you? I'm just-- tired of feeling alone."

And Abir presses his lips on her again, his hands cupping her face. Mishti throws hands around his neck as she deepens the kiss. This time it's not just soft - this time it's feelings, emotions, deep secrets buried in their hearts, their longing, their wants.

Pins and needles.

Flowers and butterflies.

They walk through hell yet they're each other's heaven.

They make each other defenceless yet only they protect each other.

They ruin their peace yet hold each other's sanity.

Good and bad.

Right and wrong.

They belong together.

"Thought you wanna take things slow?" Abir whispered.

"We will. But we had to begin somewhere." Mishti grinned.

"So this is the beginning?" Abir said in a rasp voice driving Mishti crazy.

"You're spoiling the mood by talking, you Ajeeb Rajvansh." Mishti frowned. "I just want to try this with you, it feels good. And who said we'll go fast?"

"Yeah? So what are we, Mishti?" Abir tried to pull away but Mishti cupped his face touching their foreheads.

"We'll figure that out. I just want you to stay with me."

And Abir knows that's enough for him. She doesn't have to say anything and he will know. He doesn't need to hear anything, he just knows they'll be alright.

Abir smiled as rested his head on the crook of her neck, her words echoing in his mind. He has heard exactly what his heart needs.

Don't let me go..

Don't let me go..