"Don't call me baby again,

You've got your reasons.

Know that you trynna be friends,

I Know that you mean it.

Don't call me baby again,

It's hard for me to go home

And be so lonely."

— "To Be So Lonely" // Harry Styles

ɤɤɤɤɤɤɤɤ

From what Mishti knows Abir is the Casanova of the town, there shouldn't be any unease from his side if he has any intimate moment with any girl, he is the well known player and the philandering charmer. By now she has stopped feeling disgusted at various mentions of Abir's flings from different girls here and there. After knowing Kuhu and Abir's affair it is quite clear what makes Abir get involved in these flings - he's yet to get over his heartbreak or now he's just too much into this game that there's no way out for him. Well, that's the typical way often chosen by a heartbroken man. In the process he stopped showing his care and suppressing his emotions, he has emerged as someone devoid of such feelings.

But why is it so? That's the only question that irks Mishti. He's a psychologist after all, he is the healer to those who are unable to cope up with their emotions, he's the guide to those who seek the right way to live life, he is the master in his field. Then how come he is so unreasonable? Is his old love so wild that it still drives him mad that he chooses the other way to move on? Or has this actually become just a game for him now? Is he really the master of his emotions or is he just another emotional fool who pretends otherwise?

Just a pretentious fucker!

Or is he?

She shouldn't be proud of this but Mishti has seen Abir. The real Abir. The one with a broken heart and charming smile. The one whose eyes keep saying things his lips try to hide. The one who says he doesn't give a damn to anyone but doesn't proceed with any project without consulting every single person in the office.

The one who makes everyone feel loved and cared for.

The one who claims to be unconcerned about things and emotions.

This is why Mishti was surprised at first. If he's really so indifferent there is no reason for him to be so uncomfortable around her. What is it that makes him hold his guards so tight around her?

What is it that he's scared of?

Mishti glances at Abir's cabin through the glass door. It's nearly a month since she first stepped into this office and not until she shared an intimate moment with Abir, it was going perfect. It's really strange to see Abir staying aloof and at unease around her. Is it because he's ashamed of being vulnerable in front of her or does this mean something else, something she would not like to think of?

In fact, since when has she started caring for others?

Disrupting her flow of thoughts suddenly Abir enters her cabin and nearly stumbles upon her.

"Ouch.."

"Oh God, I'm so sorry Mishti, I didn't mean to.."

"Yes it's okay."

"Wait, why are you standing at the door, Miss Agarwal?"

Abir asks in an investigating tone much to Mishti's irritation. What will she say? That she was busy looking at him? So she chooses silence as her best response.

Abir looks at her for a moment and then looks away. He doesn't even know why he's trying to avoid her eyes so much. Deep down he almost knows the reason and that's scary. But whatever it is, it's tough - it's tough to avoid those eyes that can read him inside out if they want to. It's tough to not look at those deep eyes where he feels like finding himself. It's tough not to show his attraction and hold himself back from stepping forward.

Stealing another glance at her he moves towards the desk. It's impossible to control these stupid hormones, Abir summarises.

"Bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

Good Lord, Abir Rajvansh? What the hell?

"Uh, Mishti.. I'm sorry. That was.. Unintentional."

Abir looks here and there and tries finding a place to hide. Is it necessary to mess up everytime he is around Mishti?

But now it's the time to blast for an already irritated Mishti. Enough of this nonsense attitude.

"Let's make it clear, Abir, what's wrong with you? For the last ten days or so you're not properly talking to me, you're not even looking at me. I'm sitting exactly in your opposite room yet all we communicate is through those stupid e-mails and Kunal. May I have the privilege to know exactly what's going on? For God's sake I'm working with you, there are things we need to discuss, this is not how we're supposed to work, are we? Why is it so awkward between us? In fact, you're the one inviting me to join your office, your business, your newly acquired company and everything. You can't be avoiding me just like this."

"I'm not avoiding you."

"Then what else are you doing?"

"Look at me, I'm sitting in your cabin."

Mishti gives him an angry glare and says nothing. She doesn't even know why it's important for her to talk to Abir, all they did was to taunt each other or argue, after all. Yet that seems better than this awkward silence, doesn't it? But venting her frustration at him like this is not a good sign.

Her heart jumping inside her because Abir is around is not a good sign.

She getting used to Abir and his raspy voice is definitely not a good sign.

The realisation dwells over as the ice over heart slowly starts melting.

It's a new feeling. Something has changed.

Change is the only constant.

The only truth.

And this change demands to stop wandering for a while and cherish the little things.

Another truth is Mishti has never been acquainted with stability.

She's always moving.

There has never been a pause to her reckless wandering.

Pause. Stability. Appreciate. Home.

Home.

This change is wrong.

Now she needs to make it clear to Abir and mostly to herself that she doesn't mean otherwise. She simply cares for him as a friend.

As a friend.

Are they friends?

But her voice doesn't find a way. Abir is in front of her after ten days and she can't make him leave the room just like that. And something inside her calms down - just by looking at him.

She silently sits near him, her eyes looking straight at his face - probably trying to read him.

Abir hangs back.

"Mishti, tomorrow you have a meeting with Nishant."

"We had a meeting even last week. Wait, what do you mean by 'you have a meeting?' Where are you?"

"I- I won't be in Rajkot for two days, I've a meeting in Delhi."

"What do you mean? Do you want me to meet Nishant Singhaniya alone tomorrow? Or is this a part of your plans?"

All Abir wants is to stay away from Mishti and all this drama for sometime. But Mishti seems to have decided otherwise. His already rotten mood worsens now.

"Do you really think you're this important that I'll always keep planning against you?"

"Do you want me to believe that I'm not important to you?"

Only God knows what big discovery Abir is going to make out of the stupid floor with so much concentration.

Why is he trying so hard to avoid her?

What is it that scares The Fearless Abir Rajvansh so much?

And suddenly Mishti's eyes are moist; not because she's sad but because she's angry, angry to an extent that she can't help her tears. Without saying anything, she turns her back.

Why does he try to act so indifferent when he's clearly affected?

In fact, they both are affected by whatever the hell is going on between them. Well, the bigger problem is why is there affection in the first place? Mishti laughs at her foolishness and Abir looks up.

Did anyone crack a joke?

Why do you need anyone when your whole life has become a joke?

Abir doesn't know why he feels a bit disappointed. He just said he won't be with her and she's happy, but then what else did he expect? Isn't there already enough trouble for him in life that he wants some more? Especially when Kuhu has just slammed a marriage invitation card on his face yesterday!

When did he become so indecisive?

One moment he runs away from Mishti because he feels something for her and the next moment Kuhu's thoughts destroy him.

He can't even get a hold on himself but he wants Mishti to hold on to him.

Hypocrite much?

Feeling disgusted with himself Abir storms out of the room without even looking at Mishti. He can't afford to have another duel of mind and heart right now, he's just sick of it.

Abir stares at the marriage invitation lying on his table, tears rolling down from the corner of his eyes but he's not sad. He's frustrated, fed up and done with everything.

There's a limit to which a man can endure, Abir Rajvansh crossed that limit long ago. All he does now is to find trashes of hope inside a collapsed heart. But the moment he finally sees it, he has already lost the need. And now that he has normalised this hopelessness, he is uncomfortable with the change. Or maybe he's thinking too much. But right now, Kuhu is getting married.

Kuhu Raichand, the one Abir dreamt of a forever with, is going - officially, permanently, taking away the little right he had to think of her, leaving him with nothing to fantasize about.

"But you've Mishti now, don't you?"

A voice says in his mind, Abir smirks. Of course, Abir never lacks entertainment in his life - be it the dramatic turns of his life or girls. When everything finally seems calm, he's going well with his flings, then suddenly enters this storm named Mishti, and Abir himself allows her to turn his world upside down. Unknowingly he lets her play with his memories and she is winning.

"There's something about her, somewhere she is like Kuhu."

The voice says again. It's been so long that Abir doesn't remember how he felt when he first saw Kuhu. But he remembers his heart jumping whenever she was around. He can't even recall her smile but he remembers the happiness he felt with her. How does her touch feel? Is it like a wave of electricity that runs right through his body and makes him excited or is it like Mishti's, serene and peaceful? Definitely the former. Isn't that too true to even argue? Kuhu is like a dream, a dream too appealing to be real. And Mishti, meeting her is like facing reality - harsh but honest.

Rough but real.

Bittersweet. Like love.

"But you loved Kuhu only and never felt the same for anyone else."

Right. Abir has moved on from Kuhu long ago, he doesn't need her to feel complete, he doesn't even want her back. He has accepted they were not meant to be together no matter how much faith he had in their love. It was quite difficult at first, especially when Kuhu declared she didn't love him anymore one day. It was so sudden, unpredictable and the shock came without any warning that he nearly lost his senses.

"It's a joke, isn't it?"

"No Abir, it's not."

"Kuhu?"

"See Abir, I know you'll be heartbroken but I know what I am doing. I'm sorry, Abir but it's better to break up before we get too much involved."

"Are you fucking serious!"

"Don't shout Abir. I loved you, I want to end this in a good note, please."

"I love you even now."

"I know."

"Then why Kuhu?"

"Probably you'll never get it."

And she left. She left for good and never turned back. Abir stood there, he waited for months and years. She didn't come. When Abir came back to India he had no time to think about anyone. Kuhu left him in distress, it was as if she knew what was coming for him and she left. One moment he had everything, next moment he was a loser. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you're the master of all the textbooks or business or anything. In the end you are just you, all alone, absolutely helpless and hopeless. Just a big zero.

Leaving everything behind Abir came back to India, to live with nothing. His inconsistent mother continued with her indecisiveness, completely ignorant of how it impacted Abir. One day she walked out of her family and when she made her brief comeback, it was too late that she became non-existent in Abir's life. Abir craved for someone's unconditional love and support, he needed his mother, he needed her to soothe him and tell him that he's not alone. He missed his Maa and she was busy in her own life. Abir hated her for this yet deep down the lost child waited eagerly for the mother's arms to protect him from this cruel world. And when he would look up, he was alone.

But Abir survived.

Everything was wrong yet he didn't give up, he couldn't. Love can never be one's weakness, love is the strength to keep going through darkness. In the process of getting back what was snatched from Mehul, Abir willingly lost himself. His brokenness is still his only strength, his sole reason to stand straight. His pain is like a drug that keeps him running throughout the day.

"Mishti is right. You find luxury in pain, Abir Rajvansh. You're just a fool trying to act stone-hearted but unable to hide your wounded heart, aren't you? Just a coward you are."

"No. No, I am not. I AM NOT A COWARD."

He's not a coward. He is not.

He's just afraid.

Afraid of the height.

Afraid of the long way down.

Afraid of the uncertainty,

Afraid of falling again.

Afraid of losing himself again.

But he's not a coward. He knows his heart.

Abir smashes the pen stand towards the window making it break into pieces, just like himself. Hot tears rolls down his cheeks as he falls on knees, his hands covering his weeping face. It is always hard to handle everything silently, especially when your own conscience starts confronting you and it's equally okay to break down.

"It's okay, it's okay Abir. You'll be fine. You have been doing all right, you'll do it even now."

Abir is sobbing but it's fine. It's fine if he has no one to confide in, it's fine if he's alone and it's more than fine not to be loved. It's okay if he has given up trying to get over himself. He can't express himself and that's okay. Everything is okay.

Everything has to be okay.

And Mishti must not dare to see through him anymore. He's not falling into her scam.

"Arghh....."

Abir lets out a pathetic scream. How could he let someone else play with his heart? How could he let someone enter his life again? What's the point of breaking his heart all over again?

"Abir.. Are you alright Abir? What's wrong?"

Mishti comes running. Abir hurriedly wipes his face.

"Abir? What happened? Say something, Abir!"

As Mishti tries to hold him he jerks. Shock is a small word to express what Mishti feels seeing him at this moment.

"Abir, I'm calling Kunal. Relax Abir."

"No. Get out, get out of here."

"Abir?"

"I said get out, I'm alright. Please get out, Mishti. Leave."

"You're not alright, Abir. Please."

"Leave. I SAID LEAVE. Get the hell out of here."

"Don't you dare, Abir. I'm here because you shouted as if someone is dying. I was worried, Abir. I just want to make sure you're alright."

"Thanks for your concern. I'm alright. Now please leave Mishti."

"You are not alright, Abir. Look at you, you are sick. Get up Abir. Tell me what's wrong."

"Even if something is wrong why should I tell you? Who are you to me? Go now."

"I just want to help Abir."

"Why? What's your profit in helping me? Are you going to use this against me? What do-"

"This will kill you, Abir, this attitude of keeping everything inside you will kill you. In fact, it's already poisoning your mind. You think hiding your scars will make you look stronger. You're wrong, Abir. This makes you even more weak. Just get over all that shit and rise like a man. Don't make a fool out of yourself. Don't act like an idiot-"

"Stop lecturing Mishti."

"No I won't. First, I'm not lecturing and second, I genuinely wish you good Abir. This might sound harsh but you know very well that each of my words is true. You need to show some strength Abir. You can't be -"

"What would you take to just shut up and leave my room?"

"Look beyond Kuhu."

Mishti looks straight at him. She notices Abir holding his breath for a moment; an expression of shock and contempt all over his face. Abir keeps staring at her without saying anything.

"I know about her Abir. I know how painful this must have been but you've to move on. You don't have a choice. You're a psychologist Goddamnit. You know these things better than anyone else. Just get the hell out of it. Get the hell out of your ex-girlfriend, your arrogance and your fucking past."

"Stop right here Mishti." Abir stands up and grabs Mishti's arm.

"Dare not to say anything about something you don't even know especially when I didn't ask you to lecture me. What do you think I don't know what I'm doing? Is it necessary to always poke your nose on things you're not aware of. Do you realise how it could affect someone? To speak as if someone has not even tried! Do you think whatever you're saying now is something I've never realised? Do you really think I'm dumb enough to cry over something that happened years ago? Don't try to make me look so weak because I'm not."

"It's hurting Abir."

Abir immediately pulls off his hands but doesn't step back.

"In fact, do you even know what hurts me or what makes me feel so scared? You know nothing, you've no idea about anything and I never gave you the right to speak on my personal issues. Now just leave before I say something hurtful to you. Leave me alone Mishti."

It was as if Abir's screams were not at all affecting Mishti.

"Talk it out Abir. Please. Talk to me, I'll leave you alone once I make sure you're alright."

Abir's expression changes into a weak one and before Mishti can comprehend anything she is pulled towards the door.

"Why Mishti? Why? What would you get by scrounging my pain? A weapon to attack me on my weakest point? Or a logic to use me and then leave? Alone, Mishti? I've always been alone. Don't try to step into my world only to leave. Oh well, isn't everyone doing that only? Stay back Mishti, that'd be better for you only."

With that Abir shuts the door and falls on his knees. He hears Mishti's footsteps. As the sounds are distancing, his heart aches. He never wanted to be rude to her, probably she genuinely cares for him but is he ready? Is he confident enough to confide in her? He's yet to understand what exactly pulls Abir Rajvansh towards Mishti Agarwal and all the lessons he has learnt from life screams only one thing – only the ones you believe to be your own have the power to destroy you totally.

But Mishti is still a stranger.

Except she is not.

Can he take a chance and open up to her?

Can she be the one he might show his heart to?

But what if his scars are too ugly?

What if she runs away from him?

Abir leaves for Delhi that night leaving Mishti and her thoughts away. He needs some time to reflect on everything that has happened and one thing he is sure of – his attraction towards Mishti is leading him nowhere.

These little scribbles of emotions are better not turn into a tale that ends in a wrong note.

And anyways, his heart is not even good-looking enough to open up to anyone just like that.