out of sight but you're

not out of my m i n d

〰️〰️〰️

The minute we checked into our hotel was the last time I was fully sober on this trip.

Actually that was a lie, because I had a drink in the Phoenix airport where we had a two hour layover. By that point we had already been flying for six hours and had six more to go, so I was slightly (and by slightly I meant absolutely) going mad. I always knew flights to Hawaii were seemingly endless, but nobody warned me just how perennial it'd be.

So I ordered an Old Fashioned at the bar near our terminal, killing the two hour wait we had between flights and hoping that the whole "hair of the dog" aspect would help me avoid getting too hungover after the night out I had with Collin. Sutton and Koa joined me, but since it was barely noon due to the time change of flying halfway across the country, they classically ordered mimosas. When the bartender handed over my whiskey cocktail, Sutton sent me a repulsed look as if to say really, getting drunk already? I just knocked it back and slept for most of the second flight.

The first day, I was severely jet lagged. My body was still six hours ahead of itself stuck on Philly time, knowing that at home it was nine o'clock at night but presently in Honolulu it was three PM. I wasn't blind drunk nor was I clearheaded, which meant all rational decisions were out the window. All I wanted was to be asleep on the beach, but that wasn't an option.

Sutton and Koa immediately had to meet with someone coordinating the wedding and myself being the new Maid of Honor meant I had to tag along against my will. I couldn't remember anything that was said. You couldn't pay me enough money to focus. I was likely the worst makeshift Maid of Honor there ever was, but my sister really didn't have any other options. It was me or nothing, and I reminded her of that every single time she just so happened to forget.

The following days were a healthy mix of work and play; a majority of the time we spent lounging on the beach or doing some touristy Hawaii things that locals would recommend to us while a tiny bit of our time was dedicated to pre-wedding planning. Once everything was practically set in stone and all that was left to do was wait until the big day, I skillfully avoided my family to get a few moments of alone time whenever possible.

My last true day of freedom before everyone else arrived – Collin, extended family, Sutton's friends, and of course the Monahan's – was the best day I had yet. On Wednesday, I woke up early enough to watch the sunrise on Waikiki Beach just outside of our hotel, walked down the street to a breakfast cafe by myself to eat, then parked my ass back on the beach for the rest of eternity.

No one found me, no one bothered me, and it was the most peace I'd had to myself in months. Until my phone rang with a FaceTime call.

I could have ignored it, but the very first thought that crossed my mind was Ziggy. If Collin was calling me with an emergency and I didn't pick up, I'd never forgive myself for it. Frantically with a sudden racing heart, I propped myself up on my elbows and fumbled through my beach bag for my phone.

Predictably, it was at the very bottom, buried under bottles of sunscreen and my portable phone charger and cord. I wriggled it out of its place and when my eyes adjusted to the screen against the sun, I saw Nadia's name. Before I missed the call, I accepted it and the first thing to pop up were her offensively prominent cheekbones and wide bleached smile.

"Hi chica," I sang to her.

"Bitch, I miss you," she spat out instantly.

I chuckled at her choice of greeting and rolled my eyes. "Same here. How's Italy treating you?" I asked.

"Oh, it's fantastic. I'm purely living off of carbs and wine. Jeremiah will probably notice I gained a thousand pounds by the time I come home, but I honestly don't care," she said with a shake of her head, forcing the tiny topknot of sable hair formed on her head to bounce around.

"You'll look amazing either way, Nad."

Another smile split across her face at my comment. It was true, and she knew it.

"So it's almost midnight here and I'm exhausted, but I wanted to show you a sneak peek of the collection. We just got done a fitting with some of the models and it was terrible," she sighed as her eyes shut in defeat. "Zippers were breaking, measurements were wrong, I mean... it was chaos. Anyway, let me show you."

The screen went blurry for a second and froze as she switched the camera around to the one on the back of her phone. She was aiming it at a rolling rack with a few articles of clothing hanging off of it, against a wall covered in an art deco inspired wallpaper. Right away, I knew she was in Donatella's studio.

As she went through the six pieces that were finalized, explaining all the details I couldn't see through the shitty iPhone camera, I wondered where the designer herself was. There was no telling if she was somewhere else in the room, her hands working to the bone on whatever the latest design was in the collection. I doubted that she even slept while she was in Milan. The woman was a freak of nature, so she could survive off of a twenty minute catnap and a shot of espresso with no problem.

Just like she read my mind at work, Donatella's voice rang out in question, "Nadia? Who are you talking to?"

"It's Bayla. I was telling her–"

The screen quickly flipped back to the front camera and Donatella's seemingly ageless face came into view. Her face was twisted with confusion as she tried to work Nadia's phone, giving me a super up-close shot of her nose and right eye.

"Bonjourno, love. We're missing you!" She hollered into the phone. I wasn't sure if that was because technology often stumped her or because she was Italian.

Nadia must have yanked the phone back then because they both became visible, while Donatella still stared at me with the utmost concentration.

"Miss you guys too! I hope everything is okay over there," I said. "I can't wait to see the whole collection. From what Nadia showed me, I can tell it's gonna be out of this world."

"I might be dead by the time it's done, but it will be worth it," Donatella muttered.

I wanted to say how that was impossible since Donatella was immortal but she disappeared off screen before I had the chance to. A whisk of jet black hair and she was gone, always three steps ahead of herself.

Our call only lasted for a couple more minutes. It was extremely late there and I didn't want to keep Nadia any longer than necessary. She was speaking fine, as fast as always, but her eyes wouldn't stay open. The trip was winding down to its last week, which meant they definitely weren't sleeping and would keep going until they physically dropped. I wished her all the luck, she told me to wear more sunscreen, and that was it.

I realized it was lunchtime after I hung up, my stomach gurgling on cue. There was a place that made açaí bowls and smoothies inside of our hotel that I had been dying to try all week, so I figured I'd head there. It was close, and I was too hungry to search or think of anywhere else to go.

Pulling on my cutoff Levi's over my bikini bottoms, I left my tank top in my bag since walking around clad in a bathing suit and bare feet was socially acceptable here. It took me a day or two to realize that, but it didn't take long to get used to it. I never thought I'd adapt to island life, taking into account how polar opposite it was of the city. Everything was done at a leisurely pace, from the way people spoke to the traffic patterns. Everyone was alarmingly friendly and a random "hello" – or should I say aloha – from an absolute stranger was customary. The days seemed longer, food tasted better, and the air was fresher.

I wasn't sure how Sutton lived here, considering how rigid of a person she was. It was a rash decision on her part to move to Oahu as soon as she graduated from college with a general degree in public relations. She didn't discuss it with anyone; she just did it. Cyclone Sutton didn't care what my parents had to say about it because before they could tell her no, she was on a flight with one suitcase and not a single trace of a plan in her mind.

She met Koa only a few months in and everything took off from there. Everyone thought she was insane. I did too, at first, but once I saw how in love they were I knew it was the best thing she'd ever done.

I shook out my sandy towel and made sure I had everything before trekking back to the hotel. It wasn't a far walk by any means; it was literally on the beach, along with every other hotel and resort that surrounded the coastline. How anyone could narrow down which one to stay in was mind-boggling, but I figured Sutton based her choice solely on which place had the best and most extravagantly priced wedding package.

I crossed through the expansive patio that most vacationers were eating lunch on, passing by a few restaurants and the banquet hall where complimentary breakfast was served each morning once I was inside the hotel. In an alcove before the lobby sat a cafe and the smoothie spot adjacent to one another. The line for coffee was bearable, meanwhile the line for smoothies and açaí bowls looked like they were giving stuff away for free.

Despite my internal complaining about it, I waited anyway in hopes that the fruit would be worth it. After a minute of squinting at the small font on the menu boards and being unable to read anything, I started people watching instead.

Traveling with a rather large group meant running into each other at any given time was pretty normal. On the street, in a public bathroom, at a store, practically anywhere was fair game. Especially because we were all on an island. I could run as far as my feet would take me, but I could never hide from my family.

Thankfully, the familiar face I saw meandering on the other side of the room belonged to Koa. Though he was a Hawaiian native, he stood out the most. He comically towered over everyone, his skin significantly darker than all of the pale tourists that were overrunning every inch of the place. Glancing around frantically, he ran a hand through his shoulder-length chestnut hair that naturally waved and highlighted itself in a way that girls would kill for. Once a group of three couples moved out of the way, I saw a glass bottle of Kombucha in his other hand and his floral printed board shorts.

I didn't know what or who he was searching for, but I stuck my hand up and waved at him to catch his attention. Once his wandering eyes recognized me, he smiled with relief and bounded over to me.

He popped up beside me, pointed at the sign for Shaka Bowls and scoffed, "You're waiting in a line this gnarly for this?"

The line was growing. There were now a handful of people behind me who were glaring at Koa when he randomly cut in next to me. Based on his reaction, I was betting he wasn't actually going to order anything.

"Yeah, I guess," I said with a noncommittal shrug.

"No," he spat, shaking his head in absolute disgust. "Come on. I'm taking you to get a real açaí bowl."

Before I could protest, he was tugging me out of line. An Uber was on its way to us by the time we stood on the sidewalk right outside of the entry doors to the hotel. We were sidestepping families that were on a mission to get somewhere, baby strollers, and lost souls attempting to navigate the maps on their phones.

"Your parents took the car for the day to do some sightseeing with the grandparents," Koa told me as his eyes scanned the street for our driver.

"I see. Where's your fiancé?" I asked.

He chuckled at that and I caught the slight roll of his eyes. "She got mad at me this morning because I walked into the bathroom while she was showering even though I've done that plenty of times before. She told me figure out what to do with my free time and left with your parents." With one last glance down at his phone, he found our designated car and flagged down the driver all while talking to me over his shoulder. "I think she's just stressed out because of the wedding. I've been taking everything she says this week with a grain of salt, more than usual. It goes in one ear and out the other."

"I guess that's a good system. Keeps you guys from totally killing each other," I said as he opened the door to the backseat for me.

"For the most part, yeah."

We both laughed about it, but I knew that was because Koa naturally was an easygoing person. He was the complete and utter opposite of Sutton, who required a whole lot of patience and tenacity when handling. I swore he was sent to my sister from some higher source of power because he was about the only person that dealt with her better than my own family did.

The drive wasn't long to wherever we were going and since Koa didn't exactly give me a specific location, I just sat back and enjoyed the scenery. As we got further and further away from the cityscape and crowded beaches, I put my window down and soaked in the kind of nature I never saw at home. The mellow mix of alternative music playing in the car as we passed by hills of lush grass, mountains that looked like they touched the sky, and palm trees in every single direction put my mind into a place of absolute paradise.

I understood then why Sutton moved here. I had started to debate it myself.

I had totally lost my concentration and forgot where I was until the car came to a sudden stop on the side of the road. The water was no longer in sight, obstructed by trees I never even knew existed. I was peering out my window as I rolled it up, searching for any sign of life or a building.

I never had any reason not to trust Koa, but I had to admit this was bizarre. We were literally on the side of a random highway in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by evergreen and sunshine. Part of me thought we were about to go pick our own açaí berries and make the bowls ourselves.

My inner city slicker was starting to come out by this point.

Koa got out of the car after he thanked our driver, so I took that as my cue to follow him. I watched him look both ways before jogging across the road, trailing right behind him as the car took off down the road. I was about to ask what the hell he was getting me into when I saw it.

There, on the side of the one-lane highway in the middle of nowhere with a palm tree on each side of it, sat a little wooden shack. It was painted entirely in a sunny yellow color with "The Sunrise Shack" handwritten right on a slab of wood above what looked like the order window. The menu was a chalkboard adorned with doodles, the staff was singing along to the reggae music drifting out of the shack, and behind it on a patch of grass were a handful of picnic tables varying in color and size.

Blink and you could miss it, but it was the cutest place I had ever seen.

Koa confidently walked up to the window of the shack and was immediately showered with recognition from the guys working. I stood a step behind him as they all exchanged handshakes and grins, but when he realized I wasn't next to him, he grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me forward.

"As of this Friday, this is my sister-in-law, Bayla!" He eagerly introduced me, throwing an arm around my shoulders. "I've known these guys from small kid time. Louie, Connor, and Jay. They started this shack all on their own a few years ago."

I smiled at the three tanned boys behind the counter and they all started babbling at once, one trying to talk louder than the other. Without having to think too much about it, I assumed they were brothers.

"This is so cool," I mused. My mouth started watering at the menu, debating on what I wanted and if my stomach could handle one of everything they had.

"Place is looking a little rundown if you ask me," Koa said under his breath jokingly.

"Fuck off, you mainlander. What do you want?" The tallest guy barked out, but the way his lips quirked up at the corners contrasted his intimidating tone.

My empty stomach and drained brain couldn't make a decision, so I let the boys recommend a bowl for me while Koa ordered the so-called "Monkey Bowl". It came topped with chopped bananas, drizzled peanut butter, cacao nibs, and some other things I couldn't make out because I was too busy staring at the masterpiece they gave me. Garnished with a real orchid flower, a tiny umbrella, pink dragonfruit sauce, and a shit ton of fruit.

We hung around for a minute so they could get some amusement at the look on my face from my first bite, then migrated to a picnic table. Koa plopped down across from me and shoved a spoonful into his mouth, sighing contently.

"This is literally the best place on the island," he said and though I hadn't been everywhere, I knew I could agree with him. "Sutton was so skeeved out when I first brought her here. I thought it'd be a solid spot for a first date."

"Well we're nothing alike, but I have to admit I was definitely confused when we got here. Almost felt like you were kidnapping me," I chuckled.

"Don't speak too soon, that might be next," he lowered his voice, pursing his lips in contemplation for a second before he broke out into a grin. "Alright, so listen. Since I'm about to become your brother-in-law, I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you. I know you already have two brothers and you probably don't want a third, but if you ever need to shoot the shit with somebody that's not your direct ohana, I'm your guy."

A smile starting poking its way through my mouthful of mango as I swallowed, mumbling, "Thanks, Koa. That means a lot."

His eyes widened and he looked down at his bowl, taking a moment to get his next thought together. As soon as he inhaled, I knew what he was about to bring up.

"That being said, and not that it's any of my business really, I'm just wondering what happened with you and Gus. I mean... he's still coming to the wedding. I was banking on him bailing," he admitted. He laughed a little to himself as he continued, "Then again Sutton just sort of spazzed over the whole thing and never told me what actually happened, so maybe I misjudged it."

I let my shoulders fall as I swirled around a chunk of pineapple in my bowl. As the weeks went on and I grew more accustomed to the idea of Gus and I being broken up, it got a little easier to talk about. It still hurt, like a wound that would never heal, but it was manageable. I just threw a bandaid on a bullet hole and moved on with my life.

For some reason, talking about it with Koa was painless. Maybe because he was an outside source, because I knew he didn't have any preconceived notions about my relationship. Because he was the calmest spirit I had ever been around and there was an aura about him that made me want to spill all of my inner feelings onto the picnic table between us.

"I don't know if I'm gonna be happy to see him or not," I started out breathlessly. "I know he's not coming out of spite. He did it because he cares. And because I told him he could come, but that's... whatever. I don't know what to think," I ended abruptly, too frustrated to say anything else.

I absentmindedly abandoned my food and started twisting and untwisting my hair into a bun over and over again. Koa studied me, his lips flattened together and bushy eyebrows furrowed.