Winter break couldn't have come at a better time. The constant tension among my friends now is stifling to say the least. Who would've thought that my break-up with Judah would have so much effect on everyone when he isn't even here? It just goes to show how petty high school really is and how much I can't wait to be done with it.

I'm powering through the last hour of the day when Cameron breezes past my locker. I glance up from exchanging textbooks and see her come to a stop and turn around. I cast my eyes away from her, but she walks up to the locker beside mine and leans back against it.

I ignore her, continuing to rummage through my things and hoping she'll go away. I don't want to deal with whatever she has to say right now. My prayers go unanswered when she speaks.

"Didn't see you at Holden's last night. I take it you two are still fighting."

My hand pauses on my notebook, and I laugh under my breath. "Well, it was a Thursday, and I've been really busy with practice."

"Never stopped you before," she snaps back at me.

I close my locker hard and sling my bag over my shoulder. When I turn to face her, she flinches back, but I force a smile.

"Why do you care?"

She shrugs, clutching her Bio book to her chest. "I don't know. I've never seen you guys be so hostile toward each other."

"Well, he's being a dick so—"

I attempt to step around her, but she blocks my path. "Judah was there. He's home for break—but you probably didn't know that since you aren't talking to him either."

I grit my teeth. "What's your point, Cam?"

She stands up straighter. "He said he got into a fight with a couple of guys outside of the liquor store. Seems odd, but whatever right? Why would he lie?"

This conversation is beyond frustrating. If she's digging for dirt, she's not going to get it. "I have no idea."

"There's a lot of things you don't seem to know lately."

I cross my arms, losing every bit of patience I have left. "What's that supposed to mean?"

She leans in closer to me. "It seems Hunter has a mysterious cut on his lip the same week Judah gets the shit beat out of him."

My pulse skyrockets, bounding through my veins. I struggle to keep my face impassive. The last thing I want is for her to connect the two and get outed by my supposed best friend.

"Doesn't seem strange to me. Hunter and Ollie go out drinking all the time, and you know how they get."

She huffs under her breath. "He does live in your guest house now. It's awfully convenient that he moves in practically the moment Judah leaves for school."

"All right," I say, putting my hand up to stop her from talking anymore. "I'm done with the third degree. Judah and I are over, I'm not seeing anyone else, and I don't have time for this petty bullshit right now."

Cameron shifts around on her feet, and the tension subsides from her face. She looks almost sad for a moment.

"Well, I wouldn't have to make such leaps if you actually talked to me anymore."

I laugh once. "You're the one who's walking around pissed off for no reason." I throw my arm out to my side. "I don't even want Dylan, so if that's what this is about—"

"It's not," she says quickly, cutting me off. She tucks a long, red strand of hair behind her ear. "Not really. I just have no idea what's going on with you, and we used to be so close. It hurts, Elle."

The heaviness I already felt in my chest multiplies, and I sigh. It's true I've been distant from everyone—except for Hunter—but this is so new for me, and it's not like I can talk to anyone about it. I've never let myself get so wrapped up in someone before, and I don't know how to make it stop—or if I even want it to.

"I'm sorry, Cam," I say, my voice softer.

She looks down and picks at the polish on her nails. "It's okay."

I shake my head and gently put my hand on her shoulder. "No, it's not." When she looks up at me, I offer a small smile. "I'll try to be more social during break. I'll come to Holden's this weekend, and we can hang out like old times."

This gets her to smile and for some reason it makes me nervous. I haven't trusted her intentions lately. Well, I kind of never did but it wasn't something I wanted to admit. I hate when people say someone is jealous of them. It makes them seem full of themselves, and I'm really not. It could seem like I have everything from the outside, but from the inside it's very different. I have all the same insecurities everyone else has—I was just taught not to let them show.

"I'd like that," Cameron says after a moment. She glances down at the phone clutched in her hand and then types off a quick text while smiling. She looks up at me again and flips her hair over her shoulder. "Okay, I'll see you Saturday then."

"Yep, Saturday."

I watch her walk away for a minute, strutting around like she knows something I don't. I don't like it. Not at all.

***

Deciding that we should probably get our stories straight, I drive past Judah's house on my way home. His truck is in the driveway, so I pull in behind it. I'm not even out of my car yet when I see him walking down the cobblestone sidewalk.

Judah's house looks a lot like The Lodge. Large glass windows, sharp peaks and edges, and covered in natural stone. It makes sense because his father designed both of them. That's another thing that brings us together. We both know what it feels like to have people think we have everything handed to us. Being born into a moderately wealthy family comes with more backlash than people would assume. We have to work twice as hard to get any kind of respect for our accomplishments.

That's why I'm so disappointed with how he's been acting. I know the last thing he ever wants to do is disappoint his father, and I'd hate to be the reason why he does.

He's wearing a Cornell hooded sweatshirt, and his ballcap is pulled down low on his head. My heart drops when he gives me that familiar crooked smile as I'm walking up to him.

"I didn't expect to see you."

I stop in front of him and cross my arms around myself. "I'm worried about you."

He laughs under his breath and stares over my head. When his eyes flick down to mine, all traces of happiness to see me are gone. "Well, I'm fine." He nods to my car. "So, you can go back to the guest house with Hunter and quit worrying about it."

I take a breath. "I get that you're still mad—"

"Mad?" he says, cutting me off. He takes a step closer. "I'm not mad, Elliot. I'm..." his voice trails off, and he shakes his head before taking a deep breath and blowing it out forcefully. "I don't know what I am, but mad doesn't really describe it."

I reach forward and place my hand on his arm. He tenses under my touch but doesn't pull away. "Then what are you feeling, because Holden told me about what's been going on at school." I draw my hand back and laugh once bitterly. "Quite dramatically I might add."

Judah's jaw ticks. "Yeah, don't worry about that." He locks his eyes on mine. "I set him straight. He won't disrespect you like that again."

Swallowing back the residual hurt I feel, I nod. It still pisses me off Holden accused me of sleeping around and hurting Judah while I'm sure it's perfectly okay if he was doing it.

"Elle, I'm serious." He speaks more firmly when I don't answer. "He's my best friend, but I'll knock him the fuck out if he says anything like that to you ever again."

"It's fine," I say. My voice sounds slightly exasperated because I'm already so tired of defending myself and pretending like I'm fine.

I'm not fine.

The guy I'm so desperately in love with is risking everything to be with me, and all I'm doing is causing more problems for him.

Judah laughs. "I know you're not fine, babe." I look up at him and he grins. "You think I don't know you?" He steps into me and nudges my arm gently. "Come on. Tell me."

He always says this to me, and he believes it. Only, it's not the truth. I've held more things inside than I've ever let out before. It's not that I lie about it exactly. The only person I'm really protecting is myself. If I don't appear to ever be hurt, then it isn't real, is it?

So, I try to be as honest with him as I can. But, how can I possibly talk to him honestly about how I'm feeling right now? I still see the hurt in his eyes when he looks at me. He can smile all he wants, but it's not real. Despite my best attempts, I know I blindsided him with this.

"It's okay," I say. He gives me a skeptical look, and I flash a quick smile. "Seriously, I don't even give a shit what Holden or anyone else thinks." I take a breath. "—but I do care what you think. I haven't really talked to you since—uh, since that night in my kitchen. You were upset."

He takes a step back and messes with the bill of his ballcap. His hands fall with a shrug. "Yeah, of course I was upset. That doesn't mean I'll go back on my word and tell people about it." He laughs under his breath and keeps going. "It's not exactly something I would brag about."

I arch an eyebrow. "What do you mean by that?"

"You expect me to tell a bunch of dudes that I find out my girl is dating someone else, and then that guy beats meup?" He chuckles again. "I'd look like a punk."

I'll ignore that he just referred to me as his for a moment. He's clearly still reeling from what happened and needs a chance to fully process it. But suggesting our break-up was a hit to his ego pisses me off.

"That's what you're upset about?" I huff. "That you lost the fight?"

"No, Elliot," he says roughly. "You also ripped my fucking heart out—so there's that, too."

If I were being honest right now, I'd tell him it physically hurts my heart to hear him say that. I never wanted that for him. So, instead I lower my eyes from his and whisper, "I didn't come here to fight with you."

After a moment, he sighs, but I don't look at him. "I don't want to fight with you either. It's going to be hard enough at dinner next week."

The reminder of the upcoming holiday makes my stomach dip. We always have the Holloway's over for Christmas eve dinner. Even before Judah and I started dating, our fathers have been close friends.

I catch his gaze again. "They don't know about Hunter."

He looks at me like I'm an idiot. "I figured that."

"Well, I wanted you to know that he's going to be there. I didn't want it to be a surprise."

He laughs bitterly. "What? Sitting next to you at dinner while you play footsies with your boyfriend under the table?" He shrugs mockingly. "No, won't be uncomfortable at all."

I slap his arm with the back of my hand. "I would never do that."

"You would never do what?"

"Rub it in your face like that."

"Okay, Elliot," he says sarcastically. He gives me a hard look and then turns to walk away. "Because that would be so much worse," he mutters under his breath.

I stand there for a moment and watch him stalk up the sidewalk. It feels like he's taking this harder than I expected. I'm sure everyone will think I should have seen this coming—but I didn't. The Judah I knew six months ago would have never acted this way. He finally decides to show me he really cares and it's too late.

That's what hurts the most.