toska (n.) || ache of soul

out her window everyday. She didn't know what she was looking for. Was it to catch a glimpse to assure her they were alive or to make sure they left the area? Her broken heart called to the wolves and she knew she could never have them again. To say that she was torn was the understatement of the century. She was in agony. She spent every night crying herself to sleep, every hour of the day mourning for her loss. 

For the first four days, she never left her house. She did it for them but she couldn't deny that she wanted to give up and run out to find her wolves. She sincerely hoped that they had moved on as she had hoped and maybe they found a pack. Maybe they found a mate. Maybe they were completely happy and forgotten about her. Hopefully, they were still alive and the men from her town hadn't killed them. Not being able to know killed her even more.

She spent the summer months holed up inside of her house, which eventually turned in a dangerous pit of depression. She experienced feelings that she hadn't experienced so strongly for a few years, the same feelings she had when her mother and sister had been murdered. She kept herself sane by binge watching netflix and reading books, attempting to drown out the hole in her heart. She tried to stick to her routine of cooking and such but it failed more days than it worked. Slowly, she returned to her sullen life. 

She politely declined Esther's job offer because she knew that Esther would see that something was up. She didn't want to talk anyone so she stayed away from everyone. Avery turned up at her house a few times through out the months but she couldn't bring herself to open the door. She couldn't face anyone. Her father was concerned but she always managed to pull on a believable act when he was around. 

Sometimes, she blamed it on her nightmare that brought her mood down, but in all reality she was surprised that the nightmare hadn't returned. She just didn't know what to do with her life anymore, she felt like she lost her purpose. Just like the weeks after her near death accident. 

Her father would be returning today and she barely managed to scrape herself out of bed to make food. The summer months were slowly ending and fall was on the approach. She walked over to the stove and pulled out a pan. Occasionally, she glanced up to watch the colorful landscape beyond, but she always glanced away before her thoughts could reach her wolves. 

She slowly forced herself back into her routine, even though it still failed most days, she had to try to do something. Depression was a dangerous poison and once the hole was dug, it was too easy to keep digging. She felt a little better making her favorite stew over the stove and she even turned on the radio to hear the soft hum of voices, although she never actually listened. Everything was surreal. She felt like she was living through a film screen, trudging through a sea of molasses. 

She was lost. Broken. And it was all because of a promise. Maybe if she never stumbled upon those wolves, she wouldn't feel so bad, but that was a lie, too. If she hadn't found those wolves, she would have attempted another suicide. The demons in her head were relentless and she could only withstand so much until she caved again. Maybe, she would have been successful. Life is supposed to be full of highs and lows, she just wondered how to find another high. 

Suddenly, she heard a scratching noise. 

I'm going insane, she shrugged off the noise. It wasn't uncommon for her to hallucinate, she knew that. She was just surprised that it took three months to begin imagining the noises of her wolves. 

Another scratch echoed over the boiling water and then a series of low whines followed. She froze, her heart thudding to a stop. Was she breathing? No. She left the stove, feeling as though it was too surreal, but the persistent scratching couldn't be mistaken. Something was at her backdoor and it sounded awfully familiar. Maybe she had passed out and this was a dream.

Halfway to the backdoor, she heard the groaning rumble of her fathers truck outside. Her eyes widened and her whole world seemed to slow in horror, a fresh wave of live crashing through her stupor. She broke into a sprint, skidding into the backdoor and she ripped it open. 

She hadn't seen them in three months and after all this time, she found herself staring down at her six wolves. They were perched on her step, Thane and Cross laying in the yard, and they all looked up in excitement at seeing her, their tails wagging. She slammed the door out of panic. She heard the front door open and her heart was in overdrive, her blood was rushing in her ears. 

Her wolves were here and so was her father. 

She yanked the door back open and stepped out, attempting to close it quietly behind her. Her wolves yipped and swarmed around her, bumping against her legs and licking at her hands. They obviously missed her and she wanted to say the same, but in that moment all she could do was panic. 

"Go, run!" She tried to chase them away, "Hide! Do something. Please, just run!" 

Her voice rose in hysterics and her wolves were utterly confused. They shied away from her hands and skittered off before stopping a few feet, glancing back with widened eyes. She flew down the steps and continued to try and chase them off. She yelled and made wild gestures with her hands but her wolves refused to run. Cross narrowed his eyes at her actions and glanced over at Thane, as if they were silently communicating. 

Suddenly, Arch lowered playfully in front of the others, thinking she wanted to play, and she frantically shook her head, "No, no, Arch, I'm not--" 

Arch launched through the air and knocked her down. She landed on her back on the ground with Arch wagging his tail ontop of her. He started attacking her face and neck with his tongue, completely oblivious to her panic, and she struggled to get free. She squirmed beneath him which only resulted in him lowering himself onto her to pin her and she started shoving him with her hands. Maybe if she could get up and run the wolves would follow then -- 

"Honey?" Her fathers voice froze her struggle and Arch glanced up, she heard her father gasp before he hollered, "Oh my god, Mikica! Hold on, baby, hold on." His voice disappeared and she knew he was going to get his gun. 

"Arch, please," She begged, tears gathering in her eyes, "He's going to kill you, he's going to kill you! Run! Run, please!" 

Arch seemed to understand the urgency in her voice this time and backed off of her to sit back on his haunches. His head titled in question and she sat up gasping for breath. She tried to stand but her legs wobbled from the adrenaline and she fell again. Her wolves whined, confused by the situation, and she tried to stand to run again. Her head felt faint and the world tried to spin.

"I'm here, baby," Her father ran out of the house, "I won't let them kill you." 

Maybe it was the surge of fear that struck her or the way that her broken heart leapt inside her chest, but she managed to find her footing as she flew to stand in front of Arch with her arms spread apart. 

"No!" She screamed, "You don't understand!" 

"Baby, move!" Her father shouted, his grip on the gun shook from the panic that consumed them both. 

"Dad, they won't hurt me!" She cried. 

Her father flew down the steps, aiming his gun at the wolves behind her, and as he tried to grow close enough to tug her behind him, a deadly growl erupted. Her eyes widened and she saw her father's finger tighten on the trigger. 

Then, it all happened so fast. 

Growls consumed the air, forms flew past her, and she caught a brief glimpse of the fear in her father's eyes before he fell. A scream pierced her ears, was that her? She couldn't move, her body was frozen, and her mind barely comprehended what was happening. A gunshot echoed through her ringing ears. Blood sprayed. She stopped breathing. 

And then there was silence. 

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(Not edited)