June 12, 1998

Nathan is going to an all-boys Catholic school next year. He told me that he is scared I'll break up with him when he starts going there, because I'll never see him and I'll start liking other boys whom I do see a lot.

I told him not to worry. We can keep in touch - it's called a phone. Plus, there are dances almost every Friday at his new school, and I can go to those with him. I love him so much - I don't know what I'll do without him next year.

He wants to kiss me, though - French kiss me. Everyone's telling me that, and I don't know what to say. I like the kind of relationship we have now: honest, but kind of shy and unsure.

Nathan called today and Daniel was at his house, so I talked to Daniel for a while. He kept telling me how Nathan's not as sweet and innocent as I think he is.

I said, "But I always thought of him as such a cute little... a little boy!" Daniel said, "Nathan says if you ever say that again, he's going to come over there and beat you up." I heard Nathan yell in the background, "And then I'd do her dead body!"

I knew they were just kidding, because they were laughing, but I was shocked that Nathan would say something like that. And he keeps asking me why I won't go to first base with him. [I'm shocked now, that such violent ideas were absorbed and uttered by this otherwise kind little boy.]

So I'm getting really worried that he only wants me because of my body, which doesn't really look like most 12-year-olds' bodies. Normally, I would be flattered. [Flattered that it didn't matter to him, sexually, whether my body was alive or dead.]

But after what happened with Zach, I'd almost rather have no boobs, so if a boy liked me, I'd know it wasn't just because of that. [Key word: I'd almost rather have no boobs. I take that back, by the way. I love my boobs.]

But I don't know. I certainly want to trust Nathan. He called again tonight and said, "Remember how you said you'd go to first base with me?" "Yeah." "Well, can I see you on Sunday?" "I guess so. Call me on Sunday." Then my mom told me to get off the phone.

It's so strange, but I'm kind of dreading Sunday. I'm trying to think up excuses why I won't be able to kiss him. I always thought, since the first day of fifth grade, that there was nothing I'd rather do than French kiss Nathan. But now, even after everything I've done with Zach, I can't bring myself to do it.

With Zach, it wasn't kissing Zach that I liked - it was kissing. But when I kiss Nathan, I want it to be kissing Nathan that I like.

I know I really do like him, but I don't know if he likes me. I think he's probably never kissed anyone before, so he's just curious about what it's like.