World War 3. If WW1 was an angry toddler, and WW2 was his older, smokes-because-

it’s-cool brother, then WW3 was their drunk dad; bigger, stronger, meaner and tougher. ‘How could this ever have happened’, I hear you asking yourself in your deep, manly voice. Well, I’ll explain.

See, the circumstances of the third ‘big bad’ were surprisingly similar to those of the first, except on a truly global scale. In the year 2092, pretty much everyone had dealt with their internal conflicts; North Korea was a democracy after the UN invaded them and stole their nukes, China’s government was overthrown by its own civilians because it was too cloudy, and Israel eventually took over the middle east after everyone ran out of missiles to shoot.

After a decade or so of peace, people got bored and greedy (as usual). North Korea had a strong economy, so why shouldn’t they have more say in world politics? China still had the world’s largest population, so they should have the most voting power. And Israel had already proved itself capable of integrating smaller, weaker countries. What’s a few more?

The next few years were filled with lots of yelling. Politicians denounced their rivals, who denounced the immigrants, who denounced the middle class, who denounced the upper class, who were too busy suntanning to care… just a bunch of yelling. If someone honked an air horn every time someone freaked out on tv, no one would get any sleep. Which would make them even angrier, and yell even more.

But it couldn’t go on forever. After a while, it seemed like everyone was getting tired of shouting until they were red in the face. Slamming your fist into a wooden table was boring, and it hurt. The world seemed ready to stay at the status quo… until someone did the unthinkable: they assassinated the Canadian Prime Minister.

You already know how this goes: the USA blames North Korea, and threatens them on Canada’s behalf. England tells the USA to back down because Canada made up with North Korea ages ago, so the Americans call on their ally France. India never liked France after the flower bombing of 2083, so they tell the French where they can stick their pathetic cavalry (which is rather insulting, because France is known for their state-of-the-art hovercraft). And Israel was just happy they were now considered a world power. So they threatened everyone.

It just went on and on, until all 182½ countries were at war. But not just any war: it was a super, ultra, mega death battle between the two most powerful factions of all time! In one corner, we have the Confederation of United, Unified, Undivided States to Fight for Canada (CUUUSFC)! And in the other, the Cooperative and Unambiguous yet Unusually aUspicious Nations to Free Canada (CUUUNFC)! Both sides fight for Canada, but who will win?

Well, as it turns out, neither.

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Wait, you want me to explain why? Come on. I’ve been talking for a while. I’m tired and my throat hurts.

...

Fine. But I’ll be coughing a lot from now on.

So, both factions drew a *cough* lot (read all) of inspirations from the First World War. Meaning, the CUUUFSC repurposed the Schlieffen plan and the CUUUNFC reimagined plan XVII. Meaning, the CUUUFSC sent all of their troops to invade Antarctica and the CUUUNFC sent all of theirs to the South Pole. Both sides leaving their defences completely *wheeze* unmanned.

Wait, you mean to tell me that Antarctica and the South Pole are the same place? That *hack* the two armies just fought each other to a standstill? Huh. That explains a lot, actually. I was going to go on about how they completely missed each other and just pillaged enemy territory unimpeded until they destroyed everything and slowly starved to death, never even getting a chance to fight, but this… is pretty funny, too. *Cough*. Basically, 3.1245906 billion soldiers gathered on the last southern ice cap and… drowned. Because ultra-mecha armour is really heavy. And there were 3.1245906 billion ultra mecha suits on one, tiny piece of ice floating in the middle of nowhere.

Now, I’m guessing you *Cthulhuisourlordandsavior* want to know what happened next, right? Of course you do. The only reason you’re still reading this is because I’ve ensnared you with my brilliant storytelling and you feel this deep, primal *kerhack!* ..urge to hear the ending.

Well, after the CUUUFSC and the CUUUNFC died, Canada was the only country with a military. So, they did what they do best: they invaded the other world powers, killed their leaders, stole their resources and *harrumph* enslaved their populations, condemning everyone else to centuries of miserable poverty. But Canada sent out an apology letter beforehand, so it’s ok.