《Help, It's Seven Wives For One Duchess, And That Duchess Is Me!!!》It's Not Like I'm Not Trying (Karen Perspective)
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"Miss... MISS KAREN! IT'S DEAD ALREADY, PLEASE!" Michael's voice brings me to my senses, and I look at my newest training dummy.
It's broken. I've already broken it, and I've already had my allowance cut this week for the last one! I slump down on the bench nearby, and Michael hands me a towel. I look up at him with tears in my eyes.
"It's not fair..."
It's not. I'm not just talking about the dummy, or that stupid, STUPID dress. I'm talking about more than that. Up to now, Michael's been one of the few who listened to me, and only he sees this side of me. But I like him, and it's not fair that he smiles so brightly, so happily, when he sees his girlfriend at the gates when he's leaving.
It's not fair that I have to wish them happiness, that I want to wish them happiness, but I can't say it.
It's not fair that I can't hit Marquess Jane in her stupid face, or pour a whole pitcher of juice over her head, laughing.
And it's not fair that I'm even here, like this.
I didn't want this. From the time I realised that this, all this, was going to be my life, I didn't want it.
I'm not smart like Liz. I'm not even smart like Letty. I'm not as strong as Michael, even though he praises me every day for how well I do.
I'm smart enough to know that being as strong as Lynn isn't something I should shoot for. Gosh, Lynn's so pretty... I sniffle again as it hits me...
I'm not as pretty as any of them, either. Well, maybe Letty. She's... Plain? No, that's not the word. Because she isn't. When she smiles, I can't help but smile with her. Her hair's a dark blonde, and short, and simple, but it always looks nice... And... Well, it smells nice too, when I've been close enough to catch that. And I really love the way she's so mature.
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No. I'm not as pretty as Letty, either. It's not fair.
And I know that I'm not fair, either. I take it out on everyone else. I... I've been getting better because of Liz, and Letty, and Lynn, but I just can't help myself. All this unfairness makes me angry. And it makes me angry that I keep digging holes for myself. And it makes me angry that I don't know how to deal with that.
I wanted to hurt Letty, during that spar. Michael would be ashamed of me if I did that, and that's not fair either. I want to be honest. But I can't even be honest. I didn't even get to do that, and got mud over my face, and they were laughing at me for losing... Again. But even after I wanted to hurt her because I got too angry, she covered for me.
It's not fair that I'm the one who's getting helped. I want to help. I want to be strong. I want people to look up to me, to see me. I want to be who I actually am.
And that's not fair, either. It's not fair for any of us. And I'm sure even some of the girls who laughed at me, who always laugh at me, think that too. We all want to be honest. Some of us even want to see our bad sides, to face them, to beat them. To have friends who we don't have to pretend around.
Letty and Liz and Lynn are sort of like that. But when Liz told me off, I realised that there were limits to how honest you can be, even with friends. And when we got kidnapped, I couldn't be the laughing knight who escaped, and rescued Letty, and got to be seen. I had to run away, while Liz, who didn't even want to be the hero, stood there.
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I'm so glad she was okay. I was trying hard to hold back my tears when I was in front of the guards, because I have to be strong. I have to look strong.
But I'm not. I'm someone who tries really hard, but nobody except Michael, and maybe Liz, notices.
I'm a little sad that Letty doesn't seem to. No, actually, I'm really sad she doesn't seem to. Letty is strong. When Liz told me off, she not only stood by me, she got what Liz was saying as much as I did. She's stood up for me, and saved me... And that's not fair either. It's not like I want to look down on her. I just... Want to be better at something, anything...
Even my family doesn't notice how hard I'm trying. I must become a proper lady. I'm breaking too many training dummies, do I know how much that costs? I'm not putting my teacup down right, or stumbling on a dance when my footwork on the training ground is good, or I've been unreasonable to this person or that person who pushed my buttons, I should know better than to rise to minor provocations... Or, or, or, or, or...
"It's not fair... It's not fair..."
I cry on Michael's shoulder as he pats my head and holds me.
It's not fair...
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