Andrew walked to the middle of his room, then slowly turned around in circles. Everything was familiar, but he hardly remembered any of it. He closed his eyes and tried to remember if there was a ceiling fan or not. He conjured up a fuzzy mental image of a wooden fan, then looked up and opened his eyes. There was a square flat vent in the center of the ceiling. A quick survey of the walls reminded him there was a second switch near the door. He flipped it and after a brief stagger the fan came on. His eyes briefly passed over Yui, then turned to the bed. It had only been a few hours since he woke up, but sleep seemed appealing. Still, he wanted to talk to her. Hadn’t he done it for her, even just in part? He compromised and sat down on the edge of the bed, facing her.

“Will you eat with me?” He asked, looking at her feet. She was wearing something in between flats and tennis shoes. They had a simple back and white striped pattern on them.

“I ate just before you came back, but I can eat again if it’d make you feel more comfortable.” She offered a bagel to him, which he took without looking.

“Why would it make me feel more comfortable?” He bit into the bagel and turned his head to tear off a chunk. Was it old or was he just weak?

“Well, um...” She touched her fingertips together and looked up, “A lot of people don’t like to talk to someone who’s eating while they’re not, and if you thought that I was uncomfortable because of that, you might feel uncomfortable, and...” Andrew laughed and shook his head.

“You’re worried that if you feel weird I’ll feel bad. It’s a cute thought, but I’m not that empathetic.” She blushed. “How about this, without worrying about me, would you prefer for me to eat before I talk, or while I talk?”

“Before please.” She said quietly. Andrew tore off a small piece of his food and held it up to the light. Weren’t bagels a Jewish food? Did it even matter at this point? “I’m sorry, its just that I have these peculiarities around food and eating...” He nodded without looking at her. It was terribly dry; Some kind of spread would make it much more enjoyable. He took another bite out of it and stared at Yui’s hair while he chewed. It was starting to look unsettled and dirty, which he didn’t exactly like. She seemed to pick up on his thought and tried to pat down the top of her head. He finished the bagel, then held out his hand to receive the second one. Yui started pacing around, brushing at bits of dust and food that had accumulated on her shirt. Or his shirt rather. She hadn’t changed in several days. Neither had he. She kept glancing between him and her feet, anxiously waiting for him to finish eating. Andrew took his time, trying to compare the meal to his memories of bagels back home. Finally he swallowed the last morsel and spoke.

“So how was your time while I was gone? I trust Sam took good care of you.”

“Well, I spent most of my time in his room with him. He really didn’t care to talk to me, or look at me.” He glanced down to his fingernails and scraped underneath them with his thumb. Yui watched him, expecting a reply. Andrew felt her gaze on him and looked up. She took a bottle cap out of her pocket and turned it over in her hands as she paced around. “He had a chair in his room, a gray office chair on wheels. Most of the time he was sitting in there, either reading a book or playing his guitar. I guess he was used to spending a lot of time alone, and he didn’t want my being there to interrupt that.”

“That makes sense.”

“I wonder if that’s what he usually does when he’s alone, or if he was holding back on account of me…” Andrew looked down at his sleeve, noting it had collected more than its fair share of blood. How did Amelia put it? He smelled like corpse. Yui took a deep breath like she was going to start talking again and he returned his gaze to her. “I liked his music, when he wasn’t out of tune. It was all very folksy, and I almost thought he was going to start singing. He didn’t though. I tried to start conversation with him a few times, but he wouldn’t talk. After I asked him about what he was reading, he got up and got me a book from his shelf. I sat down on his bed and finished it, then took another. I think I fell asleep on his bed reading. He woke me up, said he was using the bed now, then suggested I take the chair. It was too hard to sleep sitting up, so I settled for the floor.”

“That seems pretty rough.” There was his bag back at The Diner, full of small comforts and pills to take the pain away. Maybe Yui would appreciate something he found. “I found a bunch of anime DVDs while I was… out. I know there isn’t Netflix here, but this is good, right?”

“I really don’t like anime.”

“Why’s that?”

“Everyone just assumes it’s something I’d like because, well,” She gestured at herself, “And the guys who are in to it aren’t exactly the most appealing.”

“What about me? Aren’t I a good catch?”

“O-of course!” She stammered out, her expression quickly turning fearful.

“You aren’t a very good liar. Just tell me what you really think.”

“Just off first impressions, you seem scary. I don’t think it’s just what I’ve seen you do either. If I met you on campus I would be afraid to be alone with you.”

“But you’ve been alone with me awhile and nothing bad has happened.”

“It could happen though, and you certainly have the motive.”

“Haven’t I shown you I’m mostly safe?”

“Well, the first thing you said to me was that you killed my captors. You said it really casually too, like it was nothing to you...” She trailed off, looking down at the floor. After a long moment of silence she returned her gaze to him. “T-thanks for rescuing me by the way.” She sounded like she had decided to tell him this a while ago and was only now getting around to it. “Y-you’ve been a lot nicer to me than they were, and I’m sorry I’ve been so ungrateful.” The apology surprised Andrew. Did Sam suggest it, or was it her own?

“It’s alright Yui, we should put the past behind us and concentrate on the future. There’re some things I should apologize for too, like tying your hands. That was uncalled for. I promise you I won’t do that again in the future, unless you’re okay with it.”

“T-thanks Andrew. I don’t think I want to do that again though.” Andrew didn’t respond, instead opting to examine his good hand. Yui kept fidgeting with her bottle cap, waiting for him to talk. When he remained silent she inhaled deeply, as if she was preparing to give a speech, then stepped closer to him.

He tilted his head in confusion, then she shut her eyes tight and leaned in for a clumsy kiss. She was off by a considerable margin, and consequently Andrew had to crane his head leftward to meet her. He kept his eyes open and saw how tightly Yui had closer hers. She puckered her lips a bit too much, but her overall expression wasn't one of disgust or repulsion. He pressed his own lips against hers and closed his eyes. His right hand rested lightly on her ribs. A moment into the kiss and he felt her tension disappear; her lips became soft and her breath was something like relief. She pulled back, blushing slightly. Had this happened at any other time, Andrew would have deeply appreciated the gesture. He would probably poke fun at her, maybe crack a lewd joke or two. Now they were both quiet.

Yui put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him onto his back. Andrew winced at the contact, but stayed quiet. Their lips met again. There was a faint sensation around his neck, a ghost of a pain. Her hand was still firmly planted on his wound, and the pain was only getting harder and harder to ignore. A wound on his shoulder had followed the hands around his neck. A face close to his had almost killed him. His hand moved up to the side of her head and rested on her temple. He had the strength to gouge eyes this time; He wasn’t as defenseless. Her hands rose from his shoulders to lightly caress his neck. Hands were on his neck again, ready to wring the life out of him. He could barely breathe, and his head was getting light. He couldn’t let it happen again. He turned his head to the side to break off the kiss and gasped for air.

“Get off of me.” He pushed her hands away from his neck with the wrist of his wounded hand.

“W-what’s-?” She drew back her head to speak.

“Get off!” He shouted, barely restraining himself from shoving her. She frightfully rolled off him and retreated to the center of the room. Andrew sat up and stared at her. She backed up towards the door, keeping her wide eyes locked on him. She put her hand on the doorknob. “Wait! Yui, please don’t leave.” She stood still like a frightened doe, ready to fly at the slightest provocation. “Yui I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” He slowly stood up and she turned the doorknob. Andrew sat back down.

“What did I do?” She whispered, sounding half in shock. “I thought you wanted that.”

“You didn’t do anything baby, it’s all me. You’re perfect but I’m all fucked up. It’s nothing you did. You did nothing wrong, nothing, nothing...” He kept repeating himself in mumbles.

“You were going to hurt me.”

“I wasn’t. It was just too much like- I just needed you to stop. I wasn’t going to hurt you. I just couldn’t keep going like that.” Yui let go of the knob, but didn’t move from her spot at the door.

“What was it like, Andrew?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it.”

“If you don’t tell me what happened I can’t help you.”

“Help me? You can’t help. Look, babe, just forget about this. It never happened. I’ll do something real nice for you tonight, just act like it didn’t happen.”

“I won’t do that, Andrew. You can’t just ignore things like this.”

“But I do all the time, and I’ve been getting along just fine!” He protested. She shook her head at him.

“Talk or I leave.” Andrew was quiet for an uncomfortably long period of time. Yui put her hand back on the doorknob.

“Wait! I’ll tell you what happened, what’s happening. Just don’t leave.” She stared at him and slowly nodded. “Yesterday I- No, that’s too much. I can’t think about it, it’ll be like it’s happening all over again. Fifteen years ago then. Fifteen years ago I was with my mother and her boyfriend in Louisiana. We were visiting a carnival, but it wasn’t like the ones they have up north. It was dirty, loud, and all the staff looked like they’d ether done time or drugs. The boyfriend was a soldier, and not the kind that spent all day doing paperwork. He jumped out of helicopters to kill terrorists in the desert. He was tough and brave. I wanted so much to be like him, and respected by him. A surefire way seemed to be to go on the scariest ride in the park.

The worst I could find was this giant vertical circle. Basically you’d get into a seat and it’d send you around in a series of loops, over and over again. The whole thing had me petrified, but I knew that all I had to do was get on, and then I’d be in it until it was done. I squeezed myself into the line and barely passed the height check. Everyone else in line was a teenager or college student. They kept bumping into me because I was so much shorter than them. When I got to the front of the line the operator just stared at me for a long time. He reeked of weed, but I didn’t even know what that was back then. I think he was considering not letting me through, but the people behind me started yelling at him to hurry up so I got on the thing anyway. About then the lights flickered.

I got on the thing and it started sending me in loops. I closed my eyes and just waited for it to be over. I made the mistake of opening my eyes after the fourth loop, and got to see the ground coming at me real fast. I wanted to vomit, but I couldn’t. The rest of the passengers seemed to be having a good time, so I closed my eyes again and waited. Eventually it started to slow down. I opened my eyes as we started to get to the top again, but then we just stopped. We were stuck at the top of the ride, upside down, almost a hundred feet off the ground. The lights around the ride had completely gone out. I started feeling myself press against the shoulder bars. Without the centrifugal force to keep me pushed up against my seat I only had the bars keeping me in. But they were barely tight enough for me; if I moved too much I could slip out and fall to my death. I held my breath and tried to be still. The other passengers decided to start joking, talking about the weather. They were perfectly fine, but I could have died!

It must have been at least ten minutes before the lights came back on and we went back to the ground. I got off and stumbled away. The ride was over but I felt like I was still on it. The whole world was lurching and spinning around me and it was just too much. I started to cry. I don’t remember finding my mom after that, but I know I was in the backseat of her car eventually. She bought me some cotton candy to make me feel better and I took bites in between sobs. Back at the hotel room she drew a bath for me, then left me alone. I got inside and closed my eyes. It was like I was on the ride all over again… I threw up in the tub and had to drain it. I didn’t want my mother to see, so I cleaned it up and went to bed. I relived it in my dreams, but this time it ended with me falling to my death. For the next few days anything that reminded me of what happened would send me back to that night, until finally I got over it.” Andrew took a deep breath, then paused a moment. “So… I guess the same thing is happening now, but with how I was strangled half to death instead of a shitty carnival ride.”

“You never told me that happened to you.” Yui slowly started walking over to him.

“Yeah, talking about it makes me think about it. And thinking about it makes me feel it. Do you know how it feels to be choked within an inch of your life? God, between that and being hit in the head so many times I might have brain damage.” Andrew cringed. “All I have is my brain, and if that’s fucked, I’m worthless.” Yui sat down next to him on the bed.

“Can I touch you?” She asked softly.

“Just not my neck and shoulder.” She started gently rubbing his back.

“If you had told me about this earlier I would have been more careful with you.”

“I’m so sorry Yui.”

“Shhh, it’s okay. You just scared me a little, but now I know you didn’t mean to. I need you to tell me what else happened though, so I don’t hurt you again.”

“Alright… It really hurts to think about, but I’ll tell you. I grabbed the business end of his gun and burnt my hand really badly on it. I stabbed him and cut his wrist, and he hit me in the head. After that he strangled me. If Amelia hadn’t came I would be dead. We ran away after that, and I got shot. Though that makes it sound worse than it really is. It just grazed the top of my shoulder. You were putting your hands there when you were kissing me. The wound’s still raw, and I’m surprised you didn’t feel it. Or maybe you did and thought I didn’t care. I guess I act like more of a tough guy than I really am sometimes.”

“Is that all that happened to you?”

“I guess, though part of it is also what I did.”

“What do you mean?”

“I gassed the guy then blew him up. And you know, I talked to him in between, then saw the aftermath when he was dead. God, chloramine burns… his whole body was covered in them. Can you imagine that kind of pain? Still, he came to kill me. I killed him instead. His body… I can’t even describe it, that’s how horrible it was. I guess my job now is to keep on killing people, but I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Why’d you go on the mission?”

“Pride.”

“Sam said they threatened to hurt me if you ran away.” Well, that was one interpretation. Andrew didn’t correct her. “You went through that for me?”

“In part, I guess. You know Yui, you don’t have to stay with me. There’s a whole economy out there, with jobs and all.”

“I can’t just leave you now that you’re hurting.”

“It’s really not your responsibility to take care of me.”

“Whether it is or not, I want to.”

“So you don’t like me when I’m strong and aggressive but you want to stay with me now that I’m weak and vulnerable?”

“Maybe I just feel attached.”

“Attached is fine.”

“What are you going to do now, Andrew?”

“I want to sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better when I wake up. Even if I don’t, it’s better than staying awake and suffering.” He laid back on the bed and closed his eyes.

“Will it help if I lay with you?” She asked.

“Maybe a little.” She climbed in next to him and wrapped her arms around his stomach. “Hey, uh, if it looks like I’m having a nightmare, wake me up.” She nodded against him and he closed his eyes.