Ivor and Klutz arrived at a cliff overlooking a massacre. It wasn’t a St. Valentine’s Day Massacre either; there were a full dozen casualties. Directly below the cliff, there were a group of strange people in strange robes who radiated a combined aura of idiocy so powerful that Ivor felt like it would permanently lower the intelligence of the weak-minded. Most of them were carrying wands of wood white enough to appear bleached, the tips of which were releasing rays of neon green light.

These beams were hammering another group a few dozen meters to the cliff’s right, searing through the clothes of some seemingly normal people and leaving their backs covered in ochre tumors. The aforementioned casualties were behind the robed group, each of them afflicted with at least one massive, bloody pockmark. A tumor on the back of a man in the retreating group bubbled up before exploding in a burst of blood and gore, falling to the wayside with a leaking cavity on his back. “Hey Klutz… I think we found the assignment. You mind stalling these guys while I vomit - actually, I have a better idea.”

Ivor’s gullet undulated rapidly, launching a blob of viscous substance with a sickly yellow hue. It flew straight into the face of a robed man, who tried to cry out but only let the substance into his mouth. His face visible rotted before dispersing into the fluid. Klutz clapped in congratulations. “And the world record for… god did you just rot that guy’s face by projectile vomiting on him? That’s fucking disgusting.”

The robed figures turned towards The Gang -3 in response to the sudden attack. Dozens of beams flew toward the duo. Klutz deflected them all with a few rapid movements of his sword in metal stance while Ivor jumped backward, taking a streak of green light to his left leg. An ochre bulge bubbled into existence where he was hit. “Hey Klutz, the attacks agitate your qi! Make sure not to get hit by too many; I’m guessing that qi will spill out when the tumors burst. If you don’t have enough, it might release your vital qi!”

Klutz tightened his guard after hearing that he might lose his vital qi. “Well, that’s not good. Metal stance awakening: Persevering Reflection!”

The next beam that struck Klutz’s blade flew back to its creator, striking them in the eye. It bubbled and burst much faster than normal flesh would, leaving Klutz’s first attacker dead. A few other beams hit the attackers, but most of them missed. Ivor was surprised at Klutz’s maneuver. “Do you have a meridian ability that lets you apply elemental qi to your weapons? It doesn’t seem like that sword is a treasure, and I have an eye for these things.”

Klutz responded between his short breaths. “You’re right. I just managed to fully incorporate it into my metal stance. My meridian is running low, though, so can you please take care of those guys? I’ll give you some cover.”

Ivor nodded, but his tumor popped as he stood up, although the wound was beginning to close. “I was right, it’s leaking qi. I’ll go now.”

Ivor practically flew down from the cliff. The mortals he was supposed to protect had managed to flee, but he still needed to deal with the attackers. But even though he was an easy target, he didn’t draw any fire; it was as if he was invisible. Until he was punched in the gut by a red-winged, blonde angel. Even as he released all the air in his lungs, Ivor managed to let loose an insult. “This qi of yours… it feels a bit like King Badass. But you’re not deriving your power, from awe, maybe affirmation… no, you have angel wings, so it’s probably faith. But here’s the thing… I’ve seen angels, and you’re nowhere near that realm. Heck, my friend could probably kill you by himself!”

As if on cue, a streak of sword-light from Klutz cut into the arm of the so-called “angel.” It was the ability of Klutz’s pericardium meridian and small intestine meridian, a powerful one that could only be used once with the reserves of both meridians: qi-repelling sword light. The angel cursed out in pain as the light faded and a large gash on its left arm was revealed. “You fools! The great Trump, the messiah, will destroy you when He hears of this insolence! He sent us to this new world so the liberal cabal could be purged and He could rule over all of us ignorant humans! How dare you interrupt this holy crusade?! Vomiting on us, and deflecting our attacks, and now WOUNDING us! We’re doing Trump’s work here!”

Ivor shanked the guy twice. He fell out of the air when his concentration was broken,and Ivor landed on his feet. He was greeted by a veritable barrage of the tumor beams; he would have died if he hadn’t used his newly acquired winged friend as a shield. “Fighting the cabal, huh? Are you people QAnon? You are, aren’t you?! I’m being attacked by funky conservative conspiracy theorist wizard men, and even some funky conservative conspiracy theorist wizard women!”

The red-winged angel popped in a shower of gore. Ivor charged forward into the mass of robed folk, cutting them down while dancing in between them to be a harder target. His leg had healed, and Ivor was tearing through his enemies, emitting bolts of lightning from his left hand. Klutz hopped down from the cliff and into the fray as well. Somebody in a black robe, instead of the most common red ones, recovered from their shock and mouthed something indistinguishable. Klutz cursed. “They’re calling for reinforcements. Let’s kill them and then leave, quick.”

There were only five red-robes left at this point, but the three black-robes had prepared their abilities. The one that called for reinforcements split into three, another was surrounded by a suddenly appearing blue mist, and the third released a ball of white light into the sky, raining down tufts of white fluff. The first black-robe’s clones charged at Klutz with superhuman prowess, distracting him from dealing with the red-robes who were focusing their beams on him. Covering for him, Ivor released five bolts of lightning from his palm, each one streaking into a red-robe, disabling them… but Ivor wasn’t free of his own worries.

Blue mist had snuck up behind him while he covered for Klutz. He was surrounded by it, and his throat was filled by it. Ivor frantically lunged out of the mist while activating Dust of Fortune, coughing up ill omens, which his lungs had in spades. Sadly for him, he had landed right on a piece of white fluff he hadn’t noticed. It puffed up so fast it could be called an explosion, engulfing Ivor in its softness. The blue mist began to creep up on him, seeking to kill him while he was trapped. Ivor didn’t exactly like that idea. The world slowed down in front of him as he activated the ability of his liver meridian and strained against the fluff. Well I can’t break it with just my strength.I’m out of lightning. I don’t see how adding more poison gas would help this situation, and being difficult to notice won’t help me avoid that gas that’s coming right at me. I could try and destroy it with my acid, but it won’t get the whole thing and I could hit myself. What else can I do… OH! I can make myself easier to notice like in the beast wave!

“Hey buddies… if you didn’t know, the COVID wasn’t a conspiracy.”

Three streaks of lightning struck Ivor, being promptly absorbed and destroying the fluff in the process. While all this was happening, Klutz had been fighting with the clones. He could have taken them somewhat easily one-on-one, but he was forced into using his Metal stance to defend by the pressure caused by their double-team and the minefield of white fluff. He was relieved of this difficulty when Ivor flew over to one of the clones and decapitated it straight after escaping the fluff, eliciting gasps from the black-robes. With the added pressure of Ivor, the second clone was killed before the blue mist could arrive; the black-robes were too scared to get up close themselves. They were clearly support types.

That was when the clone-maker yelled out. “I sacrifice myself to you, brother Johnny! Now take my blessing and smite down these heretics!”

The Gang - 3 had blank expressions, unfazed by the overdramatic speech, before noticing that the clone-maker was shrivelling up. The white fluff guy’s eyes shined with a powerful light, and the spots of fluff on the ground began to undulate. During this process, Ivor had hidden Klutz and himself from attention, leaving the three COVID zombies to blast the blue mist guy to smithereens; his hazardous fog began to disperse, leaving Ivor and Klutz to focus on dealing with their newly strengthened opponent before reinforcements arrived.