“Sooo,” Lara starts, resting an arm over me again and leaning in close. “I should mention that asking about Personal Affinities is, you know, personal. Like, do you know that they're usually based on your personality?” I nod a little to confirm. The wiki did mention that. Is that why she went so quiet when talking about hers earlier?

“So, everyone knows mine since it's super visible, but a lot aren't. You probably don't want to talk about them too openly. Like, with people you don't trust. That said... want to tell me about yours?” she looks sheepish as she asks. Like she just said, they are supposed to get at who you are...

“Oh sure, that's fine.” It's not like I'd hide anything from Lara. It is good to know that I shouldn't ask or tell other people though. “So, I have the Curse for one, but the rest of them aren't all that special. My Major is just an Aura Stat Boost. Then I have the Cute Trigger you've seen, and the Exploit Skill.” Now that I think about it, what do mine say about me...?

“Mm, nothing too flashy besides your Trigger, but you technically have four Affinities. And they should all be pretty strong with such a heavy Curse too. Not to mention, your Curse does have a ridiculous buff tied to it, which is weird all on its own. Overall, not bad, I'd say. You got pretty good rolls, especially for a non-human character.”

“Thanks.” I smile a little. It's good to hear it put that way, especially from someone with an Affinity as amazing as hers.

“Oh, so you told me yours, it's only fair I tell you about mine,” she adds on. “Besides my Major one, I also have a minor Aura Affinity, though it's super weak. Then, my normal form has a minor Affinity for the Healing class. Uhh, Archetype, I think it's officially called. In my Overdrive form, that changes to Melee class.”

“Ohhh...” I nod a few times. That makes a lot of sense, that's why she plays a support healer. A perfect fit for Lara... or Fara, really. Always there, protective and healing, until it's time to fight, and then she'll stand up for you and fight off the whole world if it comes to it.

“What'cha thinkin' about?” she asks, making me realize I'm staring off with a smile on my face.

“Oh, umm, just how your Affinities really fit you.”

“Hehehe,” she chuckles. “I guess they do, don't they?” and she squeezes me a little closer to her side. “Now you've got me wondering though, how do yours fit you?”

“I was wondering the same thing...”

“Major Aura...” she thinks aloud. “Aura in here is like magic, or the source of all special abilities and powers, basically. How does that relate to personality though? Kind of has me stumped,” she admits, sticking her tongue out playfully. “Could be that yours were more random, they can vary like that for some people. At least we know where your Trigger came from though.”

“Mm?” I perk up when she mentions that part.

“You said it, remember? You wanted to be a cute streamer, so of course you got an Affinity for cuteness.” She keeps giggling to herself teasingly while my cheeks go red and I look away until I can rein in my embarrassment.

We walk for a little longer, before arriving back at our inn from this morning. It's only been about an hour, so we still have another hour – technically two hours in this world – before Helios comes to pick me up.

Lara rents a one person room at the front desk, then we head upstairs. I lift a brow when she pulls me inside the small room with her. She closes the door and sits me on the bed, taking a seat behind me like she did earlier back in reality. She doesn't need the height advantage here to lean on my shoulders.

“So, I'd like to talk a little more about you, is that alright?” she asks gently.

“Sure.” My ears and tail are prickling up nervously, but I'm Mei now. This should be fine.

“First, I'd like to ask and make sure. I'm talking to Mei, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok. So, what would you say is the biggest difference between you and Ray?”

I barely even need to think about that, it's so easy. “I'm better.” I already know her next question, so I expand my answer. “I'm better in every way. I'm more capable, sociable, caring, stable. I can deal with problems without shutting down. I don't have to immediately dissociate to avoid my troubles and push my pain off onto a separate part of myself.”

“I can be calm, I can be happy, I can be cute, or serious. I can just be. I can exist without being a waste of everyone's time and energy. Ray shouldn't exist. The world would be a better place without him in it, but I'm better than that. I matter. I can actually like myself like this. I can like being myself like this.” Even telling her this is something I can only do because I'm Mei now. If I wasn't, if it was Ray, it'd would hurt too much and make him shut down like the pathetic piece of shit that he is.

There's a stretch of silence. I want to turn, to see Lara and try and judge her reaction, but I can't do that with her behind me, so I have to wait for her response.

“Mm, so that's how it is...” she eventually thinks aloud, though her tone still doesn't betray any sort of thoughts of her own on the matter. Then there's another long pause. And then, “Mei, do you have any guesses about what separates you from Ray?” Her voice is tense when she asks.

“That... I'm not really sure about, actually,” I admit. “What I do know is that I have to exist. Mei has to exist. Ray is too weak and pathetic to get by otherwise. As long as Mei exists, I can be Mei, so I don't have to be Ray.”

“So, what is it exactly that's wrong with being Ray?” Lara questions.

“Ray is... he's just the worst. Everything about him is bad. Being Ray is just constant, endless suffering. There's basically no room for anything else when I have to be him. I can hardly think or function when I'm him, he's just so fucking useless.” I groan at just the thought of it.

But I'm not done yet. “And then when it hurts too much, he ends up hiding away in his own head so I can't even remember anything from day to day. He can't think about the future and he can't remember the past, so I'm just living in an endless now of pain.”

“And that's why being Mei is better for you,” she lets out a long breath that tickles the back of my neck and makes my ears twitch slightly. She takes a few more seconds to think. “So, could you be a little more detailed? You've said a few times how 'everything' about Ray is bad. But what does that mean exactly? I find it hard to believe that literally every single thing is bad. For instance...”

She pauses again, probably searching for something. It seems silly, since there isn't anything. But somehow, she comes up with an example anyway. “Ray doesn't have seasonal allergies. Would you consider that bad?”

“No, that's fine,” I shrug it off. “But that goes for lots of people, it's not really something I'd call 'good' about him either.”

“Mm, then his vision? He has perfect vision and a lot of people don't.”

“True, but so do you, and so does Mei,” I point out. It's not like that one matters that much.

“Alright, if stuff like genetics aren't part of it, what are the issues? You've mentioned intelligence, but as far as I've ever seen, Ray is pretty smart.”

“Really? How?” I ask, confused but trying not to outright scoff at her, that would be rude. “He has the memory of a goldfish and can hardly do more than the simplest tasks. His last job was... what did he do anyway? He already forgot about it,” I do end up scoffing, since it's directed at that garbage this time. “This just proves my point. It's been a week and I literally can't remember what he did before. His entire life is like that. He can't retain anything, so he can't learn, and he's stuck being as dumb as a brick.”

“So, his memory,” Lara notes calmly. “And Mei can remember things?”

“Yeah.”

“So for instance, what did you do... right after you got to town?”

“Mm,” I think back for a second. “I met this guy named Tusk when I was talking to my first couple stream viewers.”

“What did we eat last night?” she asks another.

“Soup. Something like beef, with bread.”

“And our dinner in the real world?”

“That...” I have to think harder since Ray did that. “Omelets, right?” It was only a few hours ago, but that battle from hell makes it feel like a lot longer.

“And what did you tell me about at the time?”

“Umm, getting a new job.”

“Doing what?”

“Convenience store clerk.”

“When do you start?”

“Monday.”

“Mm, so you can remember at least some things from Ray's life,” Lara points out. I mean yeah, I guess, but all of those things happened within the last six hours. That is not a high bar to clear. “When I talked to you as Ray before, you told me it's better to forget painful things. Don't you think it's possible he only forgets things because they hurt, not because he's stupid?”

“I guess so,” I agree when she puts it like that. “But he'd forget one way or another. Even if he didn't actively try because it's better that way, he still would eventually.”

“I'm not so sure, but there's no way to prove it,” Lara argues. “You said that just existing is painful for Ray. If that's the case, there's never going to be a time that isn't painful, that he doesn't want to forget.”

“Mm,” I mumble my agreement. Of course I'm sure he'd be no better, but I know I can't prove it either, because there's no way to exist as Ray that isn't awful. Because he simply shouldn't exist.

“Right then. Are you still doing alright, Mei?” Lara asks, giving my shoulders a small squeeze.

“Yeah, talking about this is a little tough, but I can do it,” I assure her. I'm strong enough after all.

“Ok, then let's keep going. What else is there about Ray that you think is bad? I'm still talking specifics. Is there anything you would change?”

All of it, obviously, but we're still talking specifics. How do I focus on any one thing though...? “It's so hard when everything is wrong,” I sigh. “Like, head to toe, every single aspect inside and out.”

“Mmm,” she hums, “I still don't believe it can be that complete, Mei. I've already pointed out a few things that are neutral at the very least.”

“Yes, I know, it's just so hard to separate anything out. But I'm trying.” I close my eyes and keep thinking. I try to hone in on one single thing, starting with the outside because that's easier to picture. “Starting at the top... Hair. Ray's hair is bad.”

“Alright, hair. What about his hair is bad?” she presses further. “The length, the color, the texture?”

“Well- all of it,” but I trip.

“Right, but could you please be more specific?” Lara's asking. “Hair can be changed a lot more easily than other things. To start, would you rather it be shorter or longer?”

“I... I don't know.” Logically, if it is bad how it is, there should be some way to change it to make it better. But what does Ray's hair look like anyway? Even trying to dig through my memories, it's just not there.

“Could you explain that a little more?” Lara prompts.

“I don't know,” I tell her, then scoff. “God, Ray doesn't even remember what his damn hair looks like.”

“You-” she stops herself before she goes any further. “Do you think there's a reason for that?”

“I know it can't just be because Ray is stupid,” I think aloud. “No amount of stupidity can make you forget your own hair. It must be because of how terrible it is, so he forgot about that too.” What's the point remembering your hair when you shouldn't have any? Garbage doesn't need hair because it's garbage.

“Would you like me to describe it? Or we could log out and you could look in the mirror, but...”

I shake my head immediately. “Bad idea, looking in mirrors makes Ray dissociate.”

“Yeah, I remember you saying that,” Lara sighs. “Then I'll just describe it, ok?” I nod, and she goes on. “It's kind of sandy blond, close to shoulder length...” She pinches her fingers together. “A little shorter since Simini cut it. And a bit wavy,” she tags on. “So, if that is no good, what do you say we should change about it?”

“I'm not sure...” I clutch my hands together. I have a mental image now, even if it's mostly blank with just the hair filled in.

I speak aloud as I think. “I know there has to be some way to change it that would make it better, but I literally can't think of anything. Nothing I imagine strikes me as an improvement at all.” Black, brown, red or purple. Cutting or growing out, straightening or curling. Just shaving it all off. Not a single change I can imagine is better in any way. I admit as much while I continue to stare down at my hands.

“That can't be right,” I tell her. “I know with something like hair, even if it's bad, you can make it look any way you want with enough work. But there's nothing I want. There's no fixing it. Something about it is fundamentally wrong that there's no way to fix it, but I can't pinpoint what that something is...” Even as Mei, it's eluding me.

“How about we approach it from a different angle?” Lara suggests. “Is there anyone's hair that you do like?”

“Well, sure. Your hair is good, and Allie's is pretty. Mine is nice too,” and I tug at a lock of it to let her know I'm referring to my current self. Plenty of other people I've seen in-game have had great hair too, like Kelly and that Tusk guy. Flare, that fire guy, also had pretty awesome hair. “But that's because they're good for you guys, and me as Mei. But not Ray.” Just thinking about Ray with hair like Mei's makes me sick to my stomach. He'd look like even more of a horrible, disgusting freak. Or any of the others, really.

“So there are hairstyles that you like on other people, but not for yourself,” Lara mulls over what I've told her. “Let's try moving on for now. Maybe it'll give us more to work with.”

As we continue speaking, Lara helps me go over much of my real life body, one step at a time. But it's always the same. Ray's totally blocked out what he looks like, so she has to describe it all to me.

Five feet, five inches, thin and bony. Slight, with almost no muscle or fat. Definitely underweight from chronic starvation. Not particularly hairy, except for the facial hair he can never work up the willpower to shave properly. Ghostly pale skin, probably from getting no sunlight.

She says I usually had bruises when she saw me before, but those have mostly healed since I moved in with her and gained some weight by eating better. I'd probably be moderately attractive if I wasn't all skin and bones, she guesses, but admits that being my sister, she's not really able to make that good a determination.

Now I have that awful, poisonous self-image of stuck in my brain.

The only way I can manage is because I don't have to be that thing right now.

Once I know what he looks like and we go step by step over things, from his face, to his arms and legs, chest, body hair, it quickly becomes clear that something is wrong. Everything is wrong. Each and every part of that body is wrong and no matter what suggestions she gives, no matter who else I compare Ray to, I can't think of any way that I could actually improve things. And that's just his appearance, we haven't even touched on his horrendous personality.

“Mei, I don't understand,” Lara sighs, leaning into my back. “How can there be no way to improve things? I mean, you like the way you look right now, don't you? So there has to at least be some appearance that you do like.”

“Yeah, that's because I'm Mei now,” I point out. “I like the way I look now, and there are plenty of other ways I'd like looking too. As Mei. As Ray, I can't think of any way to improve his appearance.” Even if we could magically transform me out there to look exactly the same as in here, it would still be wrong. It would still be Ray. And Ray is just wrong. Ray shouldn't even be.

When I repeat my thoughts aloud, Lara responds, “If that's the case, why not just be Mei all the time?”

I tilt my head a little, looking at the wall ahead of me. “Because... I can't? Mei only exists here. Out there, I have to be Ray.”

“Ok, then how about someone else? Does it have to be Mei specifically, or is anyone else fine?”

“Anyone else?” I'm not sure I follow the question.

“I mean, if everything is so wrong with 'Ray,' why not be... 'Mark' or 'Jenn' or 'Alex?'” she throws out some random names. “I still don't really understand what goes into you 'being' a different person, but couldn't you do that? Just be someone other than Ray in the real world, if being him is too hard for you?”

“Hmm...” I stare, eyes narrowed at the wooden wall as I consider her words carefully. Could I do that? I don't know. I have serious doubts. In here, I can be Mei because Mei is a cute pink catgirl, completely different than Ray in every way. Utterly divorced from reality outside. Out there, it would still be Ray. Even if I wanted to be someone else, the body and mind I'd be forced to inhabit would still be the same... “I'm not sure,” I admit. “I could try. Personality would be one thing, but I can't do anything about that body.”

“Well, you said that there's no way to improve your looks as Ray,” she thinks aloud. “If you choose someone else to be, maybe that person will have a way they like to look, and we can try to change your appearance to fit better like that? For instance, if you did want to be Mei out there too, we could try changing your appearance as that Mei to be closer to this Mei, since we already know Mei likes looking like this.”

“Mm, yeah.” I nod slowly. “It's worth trying,” I agree. Anything is better than just continuing to live like that. As someone who doesn't deserve to exist, there's only one way that ends, and Lara already forbade me from it.

“Good, I'm glad we have a plan. Thanks for talking to me about this, Mei. How are you feeling now?”

“Pretty good. I'm a little nervous about trying to be a different person in the real world, but really, what's the worst that could happen? If it doesn't work out, I just have to keep being Ray. Sure, that means suffering forever, but I never had an alternative before.” At least I can see a possibility of something better in the future now.

“Don't worry, I'll help you out any way I can.” She gives me a tight hug, before checking her menu. “Looks like it's almost time, ready to go?”

“Sure,” I agree, and we head downstairs.