We disembark at Fara's stop, a partially built up area on the cusp between urban and suburban. It's a long walk to her place, a narrow brown building sandwiched between identical ones on either side, only distinguishable by the prominent building numbers on their faces. Definitely a step up apartments, they look like full-floor condos. She points up, hers is on the third floor. Probably not high enough to jump. How tall is the building? It's already dark out so it's hard to tell.

I shake my head when we reach the stairs. No, I am not killing myself here. I'm not doing that to Fara. We get to her door and she unlocks it.

“Hey, Fara.”

“What's up.” Two women's voices raise in greeting when she enters. I feel like I'm intruding, and end up fidgeting on their doorstep, trying my best to step over the threshold. Of course it's Fara, grabbing me and pulling me inside after her, that gets me through.

“Who's this?”

“Fara, you are not dragging some homeless bum in here!” one of the two girls shouts when she sees me, and my heart plummets.

Fara raises a hand defiantly, before losing that fire and giving an awkward head tilt. “Huh, technically I am dragging a homeless bum in here. But that's besides the point!” she flares right back up. “Girls, this is my brother, Ray.” Then she goes on, dead serious. “He's in a really bad place right now. Lost his job and home, and is actively suicidal. He needs a place to stay and I'm not leaving him alone.”

“Oh shit, girl...” the shouting one tones it down real fast.

“Of course he can crash here,” the other joins in. “But... is it alright having a guy in here with us?”

“Don't worry about him, he's harmless,” Fara brushes the concern aside, again before stopping to look worried about it after the fact. “Well, most of the time...”

“What do you mean 'most of the time?'” The challenge comes from a girl with dark skin and dreadlocks who shouted earlier.

“Well, when he's stressed, he dissociates, and he acts a completely different. But he isn't violent unless you're a threat. So we have nothing to worry about.”

“Dis...sociates?” the blond one asks. Fara pushes me over into their bathroom with instructions to take a shower while she starts to explain dissociative disorders to her roommates. Once the door closes behind me, I sigh.

I go through the motions of undressing and getting in the shower. I feel like shit. Even if they won't show it, there's no way they aren't annoyed with having dirt like me dragged into their house. Who wouldn't be?

I turn on the water. It's cold and biting, but I'm not going to waste their hot water on me. Stuff like that costs money. I do use some simple soap though, scrubbing it over my skin, dark with grime. I need to get clean enough that I don't taint their house with my stench.

Shivering, I watch the filth run down the drain. I start to think of Fara, explaining things outside. It's not like I chose to be like this. Snapping under pressure isn't as bad as it sounds, it's the only thing that allows me to function. Hide in my own mind and pile all my problems on someone else. Let them take care of things because I'm so pathetic I can't do any of it myself.

Even if that other person is still just me.

And I don't really have control over when I do it, it's practically a reflex at this point. Fara told me it's caused by childhood trauma, but my memory is a complete void. If there's a cause back there, it's long, long gone. All that's left is the flaming wreckage that is me.

It looks like the water is starting to run clear, so I turn it off. My skin is pretty numb but the shivering has stopped, I think my body gave up on it. Not feeling myself is actually nice...

Crap, I don't have my bag with my towel, Fara took that in the doorway. I towel off with one they already have hanging instead, so I don't dirty a new one.

Now, what am I supposed to wear? My old ones are so disgusting that I don't know if they should be washed or burned.

...

I finally realize I didn't bring any clothing from my old apartment. Even if I hadn't left my bag with Fara, there are no clothes in it. There's just a moment that I'm going to curse at myself, but I don't. I didn't grab any because every bit of it was disgusting garbage I shouldn't bring to a place like this. Still, that leaves me without anything to change into. I search fruitlessly for just a second longer before my eyes suddenly land on their bathroom mirror.

I'm lying down. I feel heavy. My eyes groggily squint open a little at a time. Was I sleeping? When did I go to sleep? Where am I anyway? I sit up in the dark room, and the smell – the lack of smell – tells me I'm not home.

Then where am I? What was I doing before this? I try to think back...

Nope, nothing. The past is a complete blank again. About the only things remaining are my times playing video games, when I could be someone other than me for a time. Even those are hard to recall without a shred of memory or context around them to anchor them to.

Oh well, just have to figure it out. Going up to my knees, it's really dark in here, but I can still make out shapes thanks to the yellow slivers of a street light coming in through window blinds on one wall, a tiny night light, and my night vision.

Turning in place, I hear someone breathing nearby. I'm on the floor and they're higher up, in a bed based on their slow, sleeping breaths. I shuffle closer until I can make out their form.

Fara? Seeing her brings some memories back. Oh, right.

Starting over.

I sit down again. I still feel heavy, and kind of hot. I'm not getting sick, am I? Why now? I can't trouble Fara with that as soon as she takes me in, so I lie back down again. Get over it by the morning or something. I close my eyes, slow my breathing, and turn my mind off. At least I'm good at that.

I wake to quiet shuffling. When my eyes open, I'm immediately aware of how much more sick I feel. Fuck. I squint up at the sounds to see Fara. She's running a brush through her shortish brown hair to get it straightened out. Even though it's pretty straight, she always had the craziest bed head, didn't she? I can remember things like that, but not the events of my own life, huh.

She's still in her underwear, so I close my eyes again to give her some privacy. I keep snoozing for a while longer, to the sounds of her moving about, and the painful thump of my heart through my heated brain. Eventually, she comes over and shakes me lightly to wake me.

“Good morning,” Fara greets me when I open my eyes. “Come on, time for breakfast. How are you feeling?”

“I'm fine,” I lie. But... breakfast? She's wasting more food on me? I already know she won't let me argue though, so I follow her through the door, into the open common area that looks to make up most of the condo. Kitchen, living room, and dining room are all combined into one, with their own areas for each, the living room a short step down, from wooden floor to carpet. Not much in the way of privacy, but the three women look to get along as they gather up around the kitchen's lengthy island counter.

“Good morning, guys,” the blond one greets us, though she won't look directly at me. My heart starts to sink. She must hate me already. She's young, but also surprisingly generic in appearance.

Middle class blond college sorority girl.

With the long, straight blond hair, the light clothes, classically pretty face. Could easily be an actress, she'd fit right in. She looks like an 'Allie.'

Then she does turn to look at me, cheeks red. Disgusted and angry, just by the sight of me. She holds her hand out for a handshake. “I'm Allie, it's nice to meet you.” I twitch a little in surprise. Not only did I actually guess her name correctly, why is she saying that? Is she just trying to put up with me? Hoping I'll leave soon? Or would Fara get mad at her if she doesn't play nice?

“Ray,” Fara prompts me when I delay too long from shock.

“R-right.” I take her hand softly, part of my brain still afraid to touch her, even though I washed myself so I don't drag my filth through their house. Despite that I just know my touch will infect her somehow. “Hi, I'm Ray,” I introduce myself with a mumble. It's not like she needs to know or care. “Sorry for intruding, I'll try to stay out of the way...”

She looks surprised, glancing between me and Fara for a moment.

“Don't worry, everything will be fine,” Fara steps in to assure us with a hand rubbing my back. Even so, we awkwardly drop our hands from the handshake. “Now, how about pancakes?” she moves right on.

Soon enough, Fara's at their stove, throwing together some quick pancakes from a box mix. Once it's stirred together, they go in the pan, and she starts cooking them up one after another. I'm hesitant to eat more of her food at first, but that doesn't last long. After devouring the first pancake, then the second one... I slump onto the table, absolutely stuffed.

“Umm...?” Allie raises a questioning eyebrow, the small blond girl easily having put away as much food as me.

“Ray...” Fara sounds uncertain. “How long have you been going without food? You're all skin and bones, but you've always been so skinny, so I thought...” She shakes her head. “Never mind. I'll put some aside for you to eat later.” Once she flips the currently cooking pancake, she comes over and picks me up, a hand on each of my cheeks as she looks at my face attentively.

“You feel hot, are you getting sick?” I don't answer, but I don't have to. “Go get some sleep. I'm heading to work soon, I'll be back later. Alright?”

“Ok...”

“Just go sleep in my bed.” With a little wave and a smile, she sends me from the room.

I'm hot and tired and fed. Just like my sister, my body also says it's time to sleep. I can't argue with it at all. I fall into her bed, so much softer than mine ever was, and I'm out.

I wake up at some point. I'm thirsty and I have to pee. I feel somewhat better, but still distinctly sick as I stumble out of Fara's room and across the common room to the shared bathroom. I drink water from the sink until my belly is full, then stumble dizzily. I manage to land on the toilet without falling and knocking myself out against the hard ceramic at least.

When I'm done, I take the time to wash my hands, keeping my eyes down and away from the mirror. I have to keep reminding myself to not to be a slob, for Fara's sake. Then it's straight back to bed.

The next time I wake, it's to Fara's gentle shaking, and I definitely feel better than before. She coaxes me through another meal, then back to bed. Despite my mumbled arguments, she forces me into bed, saying that she couldn't possibly put a sick person on the floor.

I sleep all through the next day too, but I finally feel better by the end. The next morning, Fara smiles widely, first thing in the morning. “I've glad you're feeling better.” Can she really tell from one look? Am I that different?

“Ah, good to see you up and about,” her other roommate greets me. “We never got introduced properly, I'm Simini.” We shake hands, and I can't help but notice that she's even taller than I am, with a firm, strong grip. “You're welcome for the clothes, by the way.”

“Clothes...?” I ask stupidly. I make the mistake of looking down at myself. It reminds me I exist. But I do manage to push away the automatic disgust long enough to see the clothes she mentioned. Loose fitting on me, even though they look like women's clothes. “Oh. Oh.” My dull, belated recognition finally comes through. Of course the set of clothing I've been wearing these past couple days had to come from somewhere.

“Thank you, you didn't have to.” I bow my head down, another tremor of guilt bubbling up in my chest. I got her clothing dirty by wearing them. Now she'll probably have to throw them out or burn them to keep them from contaminating the rest of her life...

“Oh yes I did,” she laughs.

“Simini.” Fara's voice holds a hint of warning.

She rolls her eyes at Fara. “You had to wear something. You're lucky you're short.” Me, short? She's just big for a girl. Even if she doesn't have much fat or muscle, she has a pretty big frame.

Apparently Allie is already gone for the day, so it's just the three of us for breakfast. Once Fara heads to work, we're down to two.

I end up sitting on a couch in their living room, no idea what to do. Just being around Simini puts me on edge. It's nothing about her, except for her being another living human being, I guess. How am I supposed to do this? How do people even be? I pull out my phone in an effort to distract myself.

It's been days since I checked anything, but it only takes a cursory look at the handful of news and game sites I have bookmarked to see that nothing much has happened. Well, there is mention of an upcoming update in Planes of Oblivion, but I don't immediately see any details on the specifics.

Moving on, I technically have a social media account, but my only friends there are my family members, and I never keep up on it anyway. I don't have the guts to talk to any of them. Not that I'd want to impose my existence on them even if I did.

On a whim, I pull up Kelly's stream, but she isn't online right now. It's literally Wednesday morning, she's probably at work like a functional adult, assuming she's from this time zone. Are Planes of Oblivion servers region-based?

With a search, I find out they only sort of are. Apparently, it's just one map, with different servers running different regions, but you can literally walk from one to the next. So while you start in your home region, you can go to any other geographic region's area if you really want to. Looks like there's a fast travel option to towns you've been to before, but you have to get there the first time yourself.

With that curiosity satisfied, my hand falls to my side and I lean my head back on the couch. What the hell am I doing? I'm reading up on a video game when I should be looking for a job. Trying to get out of Fara's hair. Or just doing anything to stop being so pathetic.

So why can't I find the strength to stand? Mei could walk in anywhere she wanted, right off the street and ask for a job. Even a dozen rejections didn't get her down at all. She just kept going until she found something.

Mei is also a bouncy pink catgirl. And I'm not her. Here, I'm this worthless waste of oxygen that does nothing but drag misery into the lives of all those I meet.

Then I'm staring at the ceiling. It's all I can do. The most effort I can draw is to keep breathing.

I'm finally brought back from my staring contest with the empty ceiling by the sound of the door opening. I blink a few times and look down at my phone. It's already three in the afternoon. When I turn to look, it's Allie, returning with a bag and stack of books that tell me she just returned from college.

“Hi, I'm back. What are you guys up to?” the blond girl asks brightly. She looks so happy it makes me want to cry. If I could.

“Painting,” Simini answers from the far corner of the room, a large, colorful canvas before her. “I think Ray's still having a mental breakdown, he's been staring at the ceiling for... seven hours.”

“S-sev- And you didn't say anything?” Allie gasps.

“I'm not a shrink, I wouldn't even know where to start.”

“Well, alright,” Allie relents, “I guess that's fair, but still. Ray, are you alright? How are you feeling?”

“O-oh, it's fine,” I wave my hands at her. “You don't have to worry about me. Please just ignore me, I don't want to bother you.” I'm sweating, a lump in my throat. I don't deserve their worry. It just makes me even more of a burden. God, I don't even have the sense to be useless somewhere out of their sight.

“You...” Allie has no idea how to go on from there. She frowns with concern, one hand thumbing at her books. She eventually lowers her head with a sigh. “I don't know what to do either, guess we have to wait for Fara.” Then she heads off to her room to drop her stuff before coming back.

“Hey Ray...” Allie tries again, voice so gentle it almost makes me panic. “You've been wearing those clothes for a while now. If you don't have any of your own, maybe you should get some more?” The blood drains from my face. Am I starting to stink again? Am I messing up their house already?

Allie clearly catches me panicking, but misinterprets it. “I-it's not like you have to do it alone! I'll go with you if you need some help.”

“What? No, you don't have to trouble yourself like that!” I shake my head pathetically. “I'll- I'll just go do it!” I'm shooting up from the couch, breathing heavy and distraught, but not slipping away quite yet. I'm still in control...

I have that check from work for my last week, it came in the mail at some point when I was sick. I grab it and use my phone to mobile deposit it into my bank account.

I get to the door to go out shopping, and Allie and Simini are right there next to me. When I make a mumbled questioning noise, Simini is the one who responds. “What? I'm not about to lose Fara's brother.”

I sigh. It's not like I have any choice in this. We all head out, taking a bus to some big box store. It's a bit of a trip out into the suburbs. As soon as we head in, I feel the burn of eyes on me. The weird looks. The disgust, hate, fear. Everyone can tell I'm fucked, can't they? I do my best to ignore it, but it makes my pulse pound without rest. The girls traveling with me either don't notice, or don't comment.

I move fast, just grabbing the basics. Some shirts, pants, socks, and underwear. All black. They don't show the filth. Big sizes so I don't have to worry about the fit. There's no way I could make it through trying clothes on. Not with this pressure crushing in from all sides.

The whole time, I have to focus and keep my breath steady. Just think about one thing at a time. Forget everything else. With the cheapest, most sparse wardrobe I can select, I head to the registers to ring it up. I don't have much in my account and no longer have any income, so I can't spend needlessly.

While I go through the self check out to avoid any more human interaction, I can hear the girls murmuring behind me. Oh god what is it? I didn't forget something, did I? I can't shop properly after all. Why did I even try? I should have known it would be no good! It was just supposed to be clothing, but now I've fucked it up and these girls I don't even know have to pick up the pieces of my failure...

“Hey, Ray,” Allie calls me.

“Yeah...?” I'm already resigned to their hatred. About to give up completely.

“How long do you think you'll be staying? We were just talking, and you might need some other stuff besides just clothing.”

I blink. It wasn't about the clothes? I didn't mess up? No, they still came up with things I should have thought of. It's not like getting the clothes right means anything. Anyone should be able to do that.

Wait, Allie is still speaking. “So, you'd probably need some basic toiletries. Shampoo, conditioner, shaving stuff,” she counts them off on her fingers. “Toothbrush, hairbrush, we all share the toothpaste...”

We head through the store, picking up a handful of other items the girls say I need. Like a phone charger. Mine is nearly dead because I haven't thought to charge it in like three days and I can't bother Fara by using hers. Of course I forgot to bring mine with me because I'm fucking garbage.

Once we have everything, I ring it up, and it takes a significant chunk out of my account. At least I don't need to buy anything else now. Because they're paying for my food. I should eat less, they keep wasting their money on me... My mood plummets further as we leave the store and go back to the bus stop. Just... have to keep going somehow...