She fell asleep quickly and woke up smiling, one day closer to kissing her boyfriend. She felt like a teenager. She got ready for work and went down and walked around like she was floating.

“Did you get laid last night?” Darlene asked her.

“No, and he’s your brother so like…” Raine started.

“Relax, it’s human nature, my brother has sex, big shocker,” Darlene said.

“Well he doesn’t yet,” Raine laughed.

“Well damn girl you’re really making him wait huh?”

“Actually, he wanted to wait, I almost had sex with him to distract him from asking about you meeting Dom, which in hindsight would have been horrible, not that I didn’t want to do it anyway because man he’s so sexy,” Raine said.

Darlene shook her head, “By the way, the meeting with Dom went well but she wants to talk to you, she needs you to gather up anything you have, print out messages things like that, or just give her your login and she can watch for the messages herself.”

Raine sighed, “ugh I wish I had this all over with so I could lead a normal life not scared he’s gonna walk in here and shoot me every day.”

“I didn’t know you worried about that,” Darlene said.

“Well I hide it well but deep down I’m terrified all the time, him existing, just knowing he’s out there somewhere…”

Darlene rubbed her shoulder sympathetically, “we’ll get him.”

They talked more about what Dom had planned and what they would need to do, Darlene promised that if she did any hacking she would get Dom’s approval so it would hold up in court. Dom came in after Raine was off work to have a meeting about everything. Raine had to tell her everything and Darlene held her hand and comforted her so she could get through it. Dom wanted medical records from the times he had put her in the hospital and it reminded her that she had to tell Elliot about the fact that she would never be able to have kids. Luke had gotten mad when she said she would never have kids with him and told her he’d make sure she never had kids with anyone. He had beat her abdomen so bad he ruptured both her ovaries and she had to have them removed. On the plus side, she hadn’t ever wanted kids but the fact that he took the choice away from her made her angry, and she didn’t know how Elliot would feel about it. Thankfully their meeting was over before Elliot got off work, he had to work late but asked if she wanted to come over for dinner at his apartment. He wanted Darlene and her to come together so she wouldn’t be in his neighborhood in the dark alone. When they got there Darlene said, “Delivery, one girlfriend,” then started to leave.

“You’re not staying for dinner?” Elliot asked.

“I have plans,” she said.

“Why have you been acting weird?” he asked.

“Why is it weird to have plans? Sorry, I have a life,” she said. Raine knew it didn’t have anything to do with her case so she wondered what Darlene was doing. Maybe she was seeing Dom for social reasons and didn’t want to get her own hopes up by sharing.

“Darlene can take care of herself, thank you for escorting me here,” Raine laughed hugging Darlene.

After she left Raine touched Elliot’s arm, “she’s fine, I’m not sure but I think she’s been hanging out with Dom and doesn’t want to jinx it by telling people,” she said, he relaxed because he liked and trusted Dom.

Elliot had a pot and pan on his stove and Raine looked at him surprised, “you cooked?”

“Going to, I went shopping after work and decided to make some stuff, I really wanted grilled cheese, I’ve been craving it ever since we watched that movie,” he said.

“Where is the ironing board?” she asked. He just laughed.

“So, we are having grilled cheese?” she asked.

“Advanced grilled cheese,” he said. She didn’t know what that meant but she was impressed that he was trying. She watched him silently as he got some French bread and sliced it himself into thick slices, then he got four different kinds of cheese and some coconut oil, he spread the oil on the bread and she almost fainted.

“No butter?” she asked, Papi would be having a fit.

“Trust me,” he said. He put each slice of bread into the pan individually grilling both sides and laid the cheese on half the slices, then he took out some spices and sprinkled them over the cheese. In the pan he deep-fried some sliced potatoes, making homemade potato chips.

“Wow,” she said.

“What?” he said as he continued working.

“Do you need any help?” she asked.

“Nope,” he said. She wanted to stay and watch him because he looked so sexy doing all this, but she decided to leave him alone because she thought she was making him nervous. She sat on the couch and looked at his laptop, which was open, so she wasn’t snooping. It was open to Soundcloud and there it was, her old SoundCloud profile from college. She had gotten into a friendship with some musicians and rappers in college and they had made some music together. It wasn’t too surprising that Elliot had found it but apparently, he had been listening to it today. He saw her looking at the screen and rushed over to close his laptop. She just smiled at him, “that’s okay, what did you think?” she said.

He blushed and went back to cooking, “you’re amazing,” he said to the grilled cheese.

She laughed and got up to go over to him and wrap her arms around his waist from behind.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Sorry? For what?” she asked.

“I was looking at your stuff,” he said, “listening to it.”

“What was it you said the other day about not liking when people don’t feel like they can do what they want because they are scared the other person will realize how much they like them?” she laughed.

“Yea but it’s different when it’s you… embarrassing,” he said.

“Oh stop, it’s fine, I mean I know it feels embarrassing but there is no reason for it, I would do the same thing, I do the same kind of stuff all the time,” she said letting go of him and leaning on the counter to watch him finish getting dinner ready.

“I don’t know why you didn’t tell me about it, you should be proud of it,” he said.

“I told you I was sort of in a band in college and wrote songs,” she said.

“But you didn’t say I could listen to it,” he laughed.

“I didn’t want to seem like I was full of myself,” she said, “like oh hey check out my songs on SoundCloud aren’t they good.”

“They are, you know that right?” he asked.

“That part doesn’t matter, they saved my life, if I hadn’t had music back then I would have probably killed myself,” she said. He looked sad for a minute then shook his head to shake the thoughts away. “Well then that makes me like the songs even more,” his voice broke a little, but he smiled at her and plated their food, then spun around and sat the plates on the table.

“Are we eating at the table? Like real adults?” she laughed.

“Yea, I don’t have anything fancy like a tablecloth or candles,” he said.

“That’s okay, tablecloths are a pain in the ass anyway,” she said sitting down and looking at their food. He had cut the sandwiches in half and piled the chips between the halves like a restaurant would. She took one of the halves and took a bite.

“Oh my gosh,” she said as she chewed.

“Is it okay?” he asked nervously.

“Elliot, this is incredible!” she said, taking another bite. He just smiled and started eating his own. They chatted about nothing as they ate and when they finished she offered to do the dishes but he wouldn’t let her.

“I’m good at dishes, picked it up in prison, it honestly relaxes me,” he said.

She picked up flipper and sat on the couch, “you hear that? Daddy went to prison over you, so you better appreciate him.”

Elliot laughed and took flipper from her, “she was worth it,” he said cuddling her and then giving her back to Raine.

“Elliot, I have to tell you something that’s kind of serious,” Raine said trying to run it over in her mind how she should tell him.

He sat down and held both of her hands, “what’s wrong baby?”

“Well nothing’s wrong now exactly, it’s just something about my past, and maybe our future,” she said and his eyes got bigger than usual and he licked his lips nervously, so she quickly said, “I can’t have kids… like for medical reasons.”

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes I’m fine, it’s not something that will affect me physically except for not having kids, which I never wanted anyway but I thought I would tell you in case…”

“I don’t want kids either,” he said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’ve thought about it before, I couldn’t handle it, I know I couldn’t and in case my mental problems are hereditary it wouldn’t even be fair to them.”

“Oh okay, well good,” she said.

“Do you want to tell me why, like what happened?” he asked.

“Want to tell you? No, but I can, but promise you won’t do anything like just remember what Krista said, and remember that I’m okay,” she said.

He looked confused and anxious, “okay I’ll try.”

She knew it was the best he could do so she dove in, “I have never wanted kids but one time me and my ex got into a fight about it, I said that even if I changed my mind I would never have his because he was a monster…” she checked on Elliot and he looked like he was about to blow up so she stopped talking.

Elliot took a deep breath to calm himself and said, “what did he do?”

“He said if I wouldn’t have his kid I was never going to have any, so he hit me here,” she pointed to the area where he had hit her, “you know lots of times and so I had to go to the hospital and have surgery because he ruptured my ovaries, both of them, and they were removed.”

Elliot sucked air through his nose hard and rubbed his face with one hand, “give me a minute,” he said. He stood up and put his hands on the top of his head and paced around his apartment sucking in breaths to calm himself. He put his hands over his face and yelled, “Fuuuck” then said, “I’m sorry.” The yell had made her start to have a panic attack so she sobbed, “Elliot, I need you to calm down, I’m freaking out and I need you to be here for me, this is what Krista talked about, this is about me.”

“I know, I know it just pisses me off so bad, I’m sorry,” Elliot said.

“I know, but I need you to be calm, for me,” she said starting to cry. Then she saw the switch, it was quick and she could never describe how she saw it but it was clear to her.

He came over and sat beside her and said, “Hey, it’s not Elliot but come here, it’s okay.”

Mr. Robot put his arm around her and it felt totally different than when Elliot did it, it was almost fatherly. She started to calm down, “thank you,” she breathed.

“Cool uncle to the rescue,” he said which made her laugh, he rubbed her back and told her to put her head between her knees and breath in through her nose at a three count and exhale through her mouth. She did as he said and, in a minute, or so she was almost back to normal, but she was shaking uncontrollably like she did every time she came out of a panic attack.

“Are you okay?” he asked, “you’re shaking.”

“I do this every time when I come down from panic, the shaking actually comforts me,” she said.

“You feel better? Do you need anything? Anything at all?” he asked.

“No, no, umm how is Elliot?” she asked, wondering if this was breaking Krista’s rule.

“He’s okay, he’s getting calm before he comes back out because he doesn’t want to scare you and you know that information was hard to hear.”

“Should I have not told him… like I should have left some details out,” she said.

“No, he wants you to share everything with him, some things are just hard to deal with, but that’s what I’m here for, for you both, since you’re my friend.”

She smiled at him and he said, “there ya go, that’s better.”

“I know he didn’t mean it towards me but men yelling is a major trigger for me so…” she explained.

“You don’t have to explain yourself, we get it, he’s partly co-conscience,” he said. She looked at him curiously wondering when he learned the term, he nodded, “I’ve been learning some new words,” he said raising his eyebrows clearly proud of himself.

“Oh? I’m really glad to hear that, so were you when I… did you know what I told him?” she asked.

“Well I was aware of it, I don’t know if he passed it along, but I remember what you said, it’s hard to explain, I’m so sorry for what happened to you.”

“I’m fine, everything medically is great it’s just you know, I can’t reproduce, which isn’t even a problem just annoying that I never have that choice because of him, but no it’s in the past I just wanted Elliot to know in case we… well we are supposed to have our first kiss tomorrow and I don’t know how far it’s going to go, I didn’t want to wait and explain why as long as we have been tested and I have, I don’t need protection, telling him all this at the moment would ruin it.”

“So, you’re kind of planning to do more than kiss?” he asked.

“I’m not planning anything besides the kiss but if it goes farther, I want to be prepared because I wouldn’t be opposed to it,” she said, then kind of blushed.

“I think you guys are going to have a great time,” he said. Then she realized he couldn’t really date anyone of his own and felt bad. He picked up on it and said, “Why the sad face?”

“You’ve been helping him plan huh?” she asked.

“Yea,” he said.

“Well someday as a thank you, I want to take you out on a friend date, you know platonic but have fun together,” she said.

He looked like a kid that had just been handed a cake but swallowed his excitement and said, “I’d really like that… you good now? Ready for our guy?”

“Yea if he’s ready,” she said. She looked away because she didn’t know if he’d be embarrassed to be watched and then she felt the hand on her back loosen then move to her shoulder and pulled her into a hug, “I’m so so sorry I scared you, baby,” Elliot said into her hair.

She backed away, “I didn’t mean to spring this on you either, I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“No like you said, this is about you, not how what happened to you makes me feel but how you feel… because it happened to you, do I want to kill him? Of course, but it’s not about what I want,” he said.

“Krista is going to be so proud of us,” she laughed.

“She will, and thank you, for being so nice to him, he doesn’t get that a lot,” he said.

“Well he will from me,” she said patting his knee. Elliot smiled, he looked like he wanted to say something but swallowed and then cleared his throat.

“What is it?” she asked.

“I just… you’re so special,” he said.

“So are you,” she said.

“I have a bad temper, but don’t ever think I would do anything to cause you pain,” he said.

“I know that it’s just yelling, especially men yelling is a trigger, and sometimes any loud noise, even happy loud noises do it, you could have been cheering at a… sports and it might have the same effect.”

Elliot laughed, “At a sports?”

“Well I don’t know, do you like any kind of sports?” she asked. He just gave her a look so she said, “yea never mind, well whatever you would cheer about.”

He looked like he was thinking, “I don’t know if I’ve ever really cheered, does it count if you’re on Adderall?”

She laughed, “it happened, so maybe?”

“Were you ever a cheerleader?” he asked.

She laughed then looked at him, “you’re serious?”

“Why not? I mean you look like you’d be good at stuff like that?” he said.

“Not my type of thing, I was on a dance team and did a bunch of dance stuff,” she said.

“Like ballet?”

“Like a little but mostly like belly dancing, hula, salsa our dance team learned all the styles of dance from all over the world.”

“Show me,” he said.

“No,” she giggled.

“Just a little?”

“Okay, let’s do salsa, get up,” she said.

“Oh no not me I was thinking more like…”

“Belly dancing, you want a lap dance, don’t you?” she laughed.

“No… that’s not my type of thing,” he said.

“You don’t like strip clubs?” she laughed.

“Not even a little bit,” he said, then he said, “well I might like it if it was you, just us, but not today I feel like after what we just talked about…” he didn’t finish his thought, but she understood. “I just think it’s cool that you can do all that, I mean I’m sure it’s sexy as hell but it’s also interesting… impressive,” he said.

“I would feel weird just standing in the middle of your apartment dancing alone,” she laughed, “and your neighbors would be really confused if they heard you rocking some Shakira in here.”

Elliot laughed, “they would think I moved out.”

She started to stand up but he grabbed her arm, “where you going?”

“It’s late,” she said sitting back down.

“I’ll call Darlene,” he said.

“Elliot, just call a cab, you can walk me to the car and even set me in it if you want,” she said.

“I also want to check up on her, I feel like she’s hiding something,” he said. This again, ugh why couldn’t Luke just fall off the face of the earth and stop ruining her life.

“What’s the matter?” Elliot asked.

“Nothing, just want to go home and sleep as soon as possible… because then it will be tomorrow when I wake up and it will be our day,” she said.

“You looked like something was bothering you though?”

“I just don’t know why you’re suddenly so concerned about Darlene, she does things like this all the time, and you’re making yourself worry about stuff that’s not even a problem.”

“I just have a feeling,” he said.

“That she’s in danger?” she asked.

“No, just that she’s not telling me something,” he said.

“Well, so what? Like I said she probably wants to hang out with Dom without the pressure of explaining that they made up and then having to explain they broke up again, it’s seriously getting old and they should stop jerking each other around but it’s still their business, do you feel like she’s with Dom right now?”

“How would I know?”

“Well you ‘feel’ she’s hiding something? So, what do you think it is?” she said.

“I think you’re right but somehow it’s more than that,” he said. Was he freaking psychic?

She hated this but she shook her head, “Well it’s probably nothing bad, it might even be something good so don’t worry about it.”

“Do you know anything?” he asked. She knew if she lied, he would be able to tell, she didn’t know how she knew that or how he would but she still knew he would.

“I know that you’re worrying about nothing, and I know if Darlene is hiding something, she has a good reason,” she said. He looked at her suspiciously and she sighed and said, “let it go.”

“Why?” he said.

“Because I’m tired and you’re just making something out of nothing and stressing me out, like panic attacks make me sleepy and tired, I just don’t want more things to worry about,” she said.

“Why is it making you worry if you think it’s nothing,” he asked.

“I’m not worried about her, I’m worried about you, worried that you’re going to obsess over stuff and get all stressed yourself when I know you don’t need to because she is fine,” she said, wording everything carefully to tell the truth and give nothing away.

“I don’t want you to worry about me,” he said.

“Well too bad because I worry about everyone I lo-“ she stopped herself, “that I care about.”

She looked at him to see if he’d heard her near slip and knew he had when she saw that he looked equal parts happy and in shock. At least half of it was happiness, that was a good sign.

“I didn’t mean to…” she started.

“Mean to what?” he said pretending he had no idea what she meant but she could tell he was hoping she would say it.

She bit her lip, “I’m sorry I’m all over the place today, I was so worried about telling you all day and you know I’m glad you stepped up and did everything to make it easier, but even saying it is really draining so I just don’t want to… like dinner and everything was great but maybe I just want to wait on some things so they don’t get mixed in with the bad things, I’m not making any sense.”

“Nah I got you,” he said, putting his arm around her and pulling her to him so he could kiss her forehead, “I’ll call a cab so you can sleep, we’ll start fresh tomorrow, no more bad stuff,” he whispered against her head. She nodded and he let her go and got up to call a cab. She let him help her up and they walked slowly downstairs to wait, he held her hand. They stood on his stoop, he was standing one step below her making them almost the same height. She put her arms around his shoulders, he put his around her waist, she hugged him, kissing the side of his neck, “you’re my favorite person,” she whispered in his ear and he hugged her tighter and moaned lightly in a way that was more loving than sexual. The cab pulled up and he walked her to it and opened the door for her. He took her face in his hands and asked, “We good?” She nodded and smiled at him. He looked at her a bit longer like he was trying to memorize her face.

“Text me in the morning,” she said.

“Okay,” he let go of her face and grabbed her hand and kissed it as she got in the car, then shut the door for her. She gave the driver her address and Elliot watched her with his hands in his hoodie pockets as they started to pull away. He looked sad so she stuck her tongue out at him, and he grinned.