Carl slid the door aside, revealing the gangway between cars and the door to the next car. Unlike most train cars I'd been on in real life, this one had a black accordion of material sheathing the area so that it was impossible to fall off or jump on. Small mercies of the dungeon, I suppose.

"Have you used that thing before?" Carl asked, gesturing to my axe.

"Yes," I said. "But my strength isn't high enough, so it doesn't do a lot of damage."

He nodded. "Here we go."

He counted down on his fingers and yanked the door open on zero. I leaped through with the axe raised, shrieking a war cry as I prepared to murder whatever—

Mongo jumped in with me, knocking me over and sending my axe skittering. He glared around, snapping his fangs at the completely empty space.

"Goddamnit, Mongo!" Carl yelled.

Fortunately, the car was empty so I wasn't brutally killed because a pet shoulderbarged me. I stood up and retrieved my axe.

"Mongo! Bad!" Donut cried. "Be nice to Katia!"

Mongo squawked angrily and shook his neck feathers at me.

"Okay, let's try that again," Carl said. "Mongo. Don't be an experience hog."

We continued forward. The next car was also empty, as was the one after. Apparently Lexis had been sincere when she said that we would arrive in a safe area.

By the time we got to car 15 we only had a few minutes before we were supposed to arrive at station 81. I got into position by the door, waiting for Carl to count us down. The door was different from the ones we'd passed—it rattled less as we moved, suggesting that it was thicker and heavier.

"There's gotta be something in this one," Carl said, audibly trying to inject confidence into his voice. I couldn't help but agree with the unstated concern—was this train actually going to be entirely empty? I wasn't sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.

"Looking at the map, 15 is almost the same shape as this one, but there aren't any doors to the outside," Donut said.

"You're right," Carl said, putting his hand on the door in preparation to slide it open.

Brakes squealed and the train started to slow. The gangway suddenly stank of oil and grease.

A badly-maintained loudspeaker spoke. "Coming up on Sirin Station, folks. Station number 81. Next stop will be Mora Station number 82 followed by a Traveler Transfer station number 83."

"Monsters," Donut said. "Smaller sized, but there are a lot of them."

Carl lifted his hand off the door. "Okay, we'll back away for now until..."

"No, not in there. At the train station!" Donut said, just as the platform eased into view. A sign hung from the ceiling at regular intervals as we moved along the platform: Sirin Station - 81.

My map suddenly populated itself with red dots labeled Drek. Level 6. Hundreds of them. "Oh god."

I glanced out the window to see what they looked like. I immediately regretted that decision. They looked like demonic babies dressed in filthy loincloths: Three-centimeter black claws with traces of rotting flesh stuck under them, fat, wrinkly skin and giant mouths full of shark teeth. They were knee-height and they carpeted the platform, even climbing up the concrete support pillars like hyperactive spiders. They had seen us and were shrieking in delight and running alongside the train, eager to be next to the door of our car when the train stopped in another few meters.

Drek. Level 6.

Everybody loves babies, right? What kind of asshole doesn't love babies? How about demonic, ravenous, berserking babies who travel in packs of at least 50? It's rumored these lil' rascals can devour a full-sized elephant down to the bone in less than five seconds. And you're a lot smaller than an elephant.

Part of my brain, the part that wasn't gibbering in fear, couldn't help noticing that the dungeon seemed inconsistent about its translation rules. 'Drek' meant 'shit' in...Czech? Something. Whatever. Not the important thing right now. I needed to move but I couldn't. My feet were frozen.

"Shit, shit," Carl said, pulling the door open to cabin 15. "Close that door behind us!" He crossed the gangway in one long stride, slid the door open and ran through into the darkened next car.

The train came to a complete halt and the doors opened. The Drek shrieked in delight and spilled through just as I unfroze. I got through the door and slammed it behind me, then hurried into the next car and closed that door too.

Car #15 was muggy and poorly lit by a flickering fluorescent tube. As with car 20 it stank of rotten meat.

Donut cast Torch; light blossomed through the room and revealed the newest threat.

"Oh for fuck's sake," Carl muttered.

Jikininki. Level 17.

Of all the types of ghouls one may find in the Iron Tangle Rail System, the Jikininki is the most common, the most well-behaved, and the most insatiable. Their voracious appetite for flesh makes them the perfect janitors. They'll generally leave you alone as long as you're not bleeding, as long as you don't litter, and as long as you don't trespass into their personal space. It's rude.

My map blinked, replacing the ?? label of this car with Janitor's Lair.

If I hadn't been able to see the name I would have assumed that these were the grown-up form of the Drek. They were tall, Auschwitz-thin, pot-bellied, and their arms dragged on the ground. Their eyes bulged, tiny black pupils flicking around as we walked in and then fixing on us like weapons. Unlike the Drek, they were fully clothed in blood-stained white dress shirts and double-breasted gray suits, much worn and ripped, with golden buttons. One had a bowtie and the other had a pin on his breast that said "How may I hurt you?" Both wore the train hats, except these had golden letters that said "Janitor." Behind them were a pair of brooms and dustpans next to a pile of bones.

"Double Shot!" Carl yelled.

A pair of Magic Missiles lanced from Donut's eyes, headshotting both monsters. They were knocked back, their health going into the red. Mongo bellowed and attacked, traversing half the car in one leap and tearing through the lefthand Jikininki from collarbone to hipbone with one swipe of his claws. The monster was dead by the time it hit the ground but Mongo bit its head off just to make sure. I felt my Dexterity and Constitution, already my best stats, surge higher. I really wished it had been my Strength.

Donut leaped from Carl's shoulder to mine, making me stumble and catch myself on one of the overhead rails. She hissed in annoyance and clamped on with her claws in order to avoid being dumped off. My health dropped and I swallowed a scream of pain; Donut was tiny but her claws were sharp and she had multiple skills that enhanced her damage.

By the time I straightened up, the fight was over. Mongo was gulping down the severed head with a satisfied warble and Carl had one-punch killed the Jikininki and then stamped on its chest. Black goop splurted from the body. Carl ignored it and promptly scooped up the pile of bones, the brooms, and the dustpans.

He saw me looking curiously at him. "We loot everything down to the walls," he explained. "You never know what will be useful."

I nodded and pulled both corpses into my inventory.

Mongo squawked an objection and glared at me for denying him his treat. And then he promptly vomited up the head that he'd already eaten. He looked up at me with a pleased and confused expression as though saying "I made food! I am magical!" He swallowed the head again before Donut called him over.

The sound of claws pounding and scratching leaked through the door behind me and on my map I could see a mass of Drek pressing against the door that led from car 16 to the gangway. They were churning around like foam at the base of a waterfall as they pushed each other aside in their eagerness to try the door.

There were no platform exits on this car, only the ones to cars 14 and 16, and I could see just as many Drek on the far side of the fore gangway.

"They're trying to get in!" I called to the others, backing away from the door with my axe raised. There were too many of them and they were too fast; if they got in, we would die.

"We need to hold out until we get to station number 83," Carl said. "Katia, if they start opening the door, hold it closed! Donut, do you still have those two ready-to-go trap modules?"

"Yes. You want them?"

"Keep on this door," he said to her, gesturing to my door. "We can't guard both sides, so I'm putting the alarm and spike trap in the fore gangway. That'll give us time to run up there and block out the door if they're coming at us from that side."

He ran to the forward door and ducked through onto the gangway, the near-side door sliding closed. He was back moments later, sliding the door shut and running down the car to where I waited by this door, one hand on the latch so I could hold it shut.

He pushed past me and out onto the gangway. I held the door open so that he could retreat quickly if the Drek made it through while he was out there.

Mordecai: Okay, I just watched a train pull up, and two crawlers got off. There were mobs on the train, but they were magically prevented from getting off. So don't disembark until you get to a transfer station.

"Yeah, thanks for the tip," Carl muttered. He was on his knees in the gangway, fiddling with a panel on the floor. He pulled it up, looked inside, and cursed.

The loudspeaker crackled. "Coming up on Mora station, number 82, home to the Psycho Stickers. Watch out for those guys." The announcer chuckled. "Next stop is the transfer station number 83 where one may access the yellow line and the Nightmare Express. After that is Rusalka station, number 84. Thank you for riding the red line."

"Carl!" Donut cried. I looked up from where I'd been staring at Carl, just in time to see the door opposite me open and Drek swarm in. Donut blasted rapid-fire Magic Missiles into the crowd but it wasn't quite enough to hold them all back. One managed to duck through and latch onto Carl's foot with its shark teeth. Carl screamed in pain and kicked the demon baby away, scuttling backwards on hands and hams. The moment he was in the car with me I slammed the door. The Drek washed up against it, pounding furiously to get in.

Carl was gasping in pain but his Heal spell was dealing with the damage. Which was good, because the train was slowing to a stop again and there were more monsters on the platform.

"I see more monsters," Donut said, just as I opened my mouth to say the same. "But not as many. There's only a few on the platform. But they're big. A lot bigger. One is going into car 16 and another two into 14."

The door to car 16 jiggled. I grabbed on and braced myself to keep it closed.

"Hey," Carl said. "Do you remember if we left the doors open all the way down to car 20?"

"We did," I said, a sick feeling in my stomach as I realized that all the monsters would be able to move forward to us regardless of which car they got on at. Well, with any luck maybe they would fight each other.

"Okay, let me know the moment you see that next platform," Carl said. "In a couple minutes we're going to—"

He broke off as an apocalyptically loud voice bellowed Peaking at Number 2 on January 13, 2007, it's "Fergalicious!"

"What in god's name is—" I started. I stopped because I'd gotten my answer: A pop song playing even louder than the announcement. I yelped, the sound completely drowned out, and struggled to hold onto the door instead of covering my ears to protect them from the pain.

Carl: It's the alarm trap. They made it through the first door.

Katia: Do you want me to hold the other door?

Carl: No. We don't have time anymore. We're running aft. Toward the back. We're going in about fifteen seconds. We are going to run all the way back to car number 20, and we're shutting every door we pass. When I say Go, we run.

Katia: How is that going to work? I don't understand.

Donut: JUST GO WITH IT. WHEN CARL SAYS TO DO SOMETHING WE DO IT. ALSO, I LOVE THIS SONG.

We did what Carl said without question, because of course we did. And God forbid they should actually explain anyth—

I smothered that thought as unworthy. Carl was the leader and the middle of life-and-death combat was not the right time to question orders. I would get my explanations later, when we were safe.

A shimmering blue-green soap bubble burst out of Carl's body and spread, passing effortlessly through the walls of the train and reaching halfway up the car. It vanished immediately, hurtling backwards—no, staying static while the train moved through it.

Carl: Go!

Carl shouldered me aside and yanked the door open, racing across the gangway and opening that one as well.

I glanced back as the music got, impossibly, even louder. The door to car 14 had opened and Drek were pouring through, plus a giant ogre was reaching in. I ran through the door and slammed it shut behind me. Hopefully the Drek who got to this door first wouldn't be among the ones who knew how to open it.

The next car, number 16, was a literal lake of blood and guts. Every centimeter of the floor was drenched and there were body parts everywhere, none of them larger than my hand. Whatever Carl had used had crushed them very thoroughly.

Each of the monsters had dropped a few gold coins and Carl grabbed them all as we ran through. I said nothing and hoped he would share later. If the saferoom prices from the third floor remained the same here then I only had a couple of days worth of money for room and board.

Carl: Don't slip on the blood! It's easy to trip on their heads. Believe me.

Katia: I'm going to be sick. Oh my god, Carl. I've never seen anything like this.

Donut: YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.

The rest of the cars were equally gory. We slammed the doors closed behind us as we ran and thankfully it was enough: The monsters did not reach us in time. By the time we returned to car 20 the train was slowing to a halt at station #83 and there was nothing immediately chasing us.

The moment the doors opened we piled out onto the platform, weapons ready in case the monsters emerged from farther up the line. Thankfully, they didn't. Whatever Mordecai had noticed holding them back was still in effect, suggesting that it would be a standard part of the dungeon. Probably only at transfer stations, since the monsters had been free to get onearlier and likely could have gotten off as well.

"Do you think the trains get more and more filled with monsters the further it goes?" I asked.

"That's a good question," Carl said, watching the train pull away. None of the monsters were visible from where we were standing at the end of the train but he still flipped them off. "Go fuck yourselves, creepy babies."

I chuckled quietly. "What was that? The sphere thing."

"Protective Shell," he said. "It's part of the boxers." He gestured at his white-with-red-hearts underwear. "It makes a forcefield around me that mobs or their attacks can't get through." He hurried to correct himself. "Their physical attacks. Spells go through fine. It doesn't move once you cast it."

"So the train moves through it and bulldozes all the mobs to the back," I said, nodding. "Clever. And what about your gauntlet? Odette said it could summon a god?"

Carl started to answer but Mongo suddenly stepped to the edge of the tracks, peeping in interest at the scent of blood that had splurted out of the train cars when Carl did his trick.

"Mongo," Carl said. "Don't. You'll get zapped or squished. Probably both."

The dinosaur grumbled at him but stepped back.

"Gauntlet?" I reminded Carl. He turned for the stairs at the middle of the platform, waving me to follow.

"It forms when I clench my fist for two seconds. If I punch a worshipper of the god Grull there's a small chance that Grull will turn up. Chances are good that the Maestro, that pigfucker that I pissed off, is going to be piloting the god. He's got a beef with me."

"Ah." How truly good.

The stairs were in the middle of the platform, and immediately above them was a sign saying The Red Line. Trains approximately every 10-15 minutes, along with a red squiggle. There was a dot on the line, about 1/3 of the way from the bottom, labeled You are here. Station #83.

Carl looked at the sign intently, studying it far longer than its simple contents warranted.

"Carl?" I said after several seconds.

"Hm?" He glanced over in surprise. "Oh, right. I've got a skill named 'Escape Plan'. It lets me see the dungeon locators—they're invisible signs that give simple information like 'Orcs this way, goblins that way'. In this case it's showing me the rest of the stops, 11 to 435. There's only one set of tracks, so if there's a train running the other way then it's at a different platform. Also, the transfer stations are labeled and the five and zero stations are marked with a square. Dunno what that is."

"What are the transfer station numbers? How many are there?"

"There's a bunch of them but they aren't evenly spaced. The next ones are 89, 97, and 101. We probably want to head up the line and see what they connect to. Later, though. I'm beat and I want to open loot."

"Me too. Does the map show where the stairwells are?"

"No, but it says it. They're at 12, 24, 36, 48, and 72 on the colored lines. Also, there are saferooms at all transfer stations. Also also, there's a timer for the trains. The next one gets here in nine minutes. Now come on. Let's find that saferoom."