I do whatever the fuck I want to do.

That’s how I have lived my whole life, and also why I died.

And probably the reason why the demon in front of me is reading the papers with a complicated look on his face.

[Demon] - “Complicated… that won’t do… uh-uhn.”

“What’s the fucking problem?"

The demon takes its glasses off and looks at me. He’s an ugly motherfucker with a face like a certain alien from an iron-chested World Body Builder and movie star from the 80´s.

[Demon] - The problem, mr.Takaraha, is that you are not fit for fantasy hell.

I’m losing my patience here.

“What the fuck you mean I’m not fit for hell? That’s the same shit they told me at fantasy heaven!”

[Demon] - I’m very sorry, but facts are facts. You just don’t fit in here.

The weird-faced demon is the last in a series of appliances I have made after dying.

Since I have had many faiths while I was alive, including atheism, I was eligible to be a part of many post-life worlds, including many types of heavens and hells.

[Demon] - For instance, look at this. You have actually developed facebook theories on division by zero and poorly-understood quantum physics. That would classify you as acceptable for a place on scy-fy hell. However, you have also repeatedly propagated the idea that all physics and math may be or not be truths, and even defended Pyrrhonism. That would classify you as unacceptable on scy-fy hell, as one needs to believe in absolute truths to live there.

“I know, I know already. People said the same thing for me in Scy-Fy heaven. That I wouldn’t classify for stuff. Just give me a place on your neutral zone or something.”

[Demon] - That… would be impossible as well sir.

“Why the fuck?!”

[Demon] - Because… well, you see, how can I put this… those heavenly pussies may have been too afraid to tell you, but you do not classify for a place on the [Neutral] zone. You need to be a person who tends to neutrality in order to live there, and you tend to the extremes. I suppose other demons have told you about this before as well?

“Yes, they have. Also, Hookuki sends his regards to you.”

[Demon] - Oh, Hookuki from Japanese hell? He’s a nice guy, thank you for giving me his message.

“Yeah. Now get me a place already. I’m tired of all this bullshit.”

The demon took his glasses with the indicator and tumb on his right fingers and lightly bit the tip of the right handle of those.

[Demon] - You know, Mr. Takahara, it will be impossible to give you a place on our hell, heaven or neutral zone. But we can reincarnate you at one of our fantasy physical worlds.

And I believe I have just the place for you to go.

Did this…

Did this guy just said something unbelievable?

I don’t want to reincarnate back on earth or in worlds dominated by the Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Buddhist and other so religions, but a world dominated by the Fantasy Pantheon?

That…

That may be cool!

“Hey, I like that! Tell me more!”

[Demon] - Glad you asked. You see, we have a perfect spot for someone like you, who likes to do whatever you please. One of our worlds just lost its last Demon God. Would you be interested in reincarnating as that world’s new Demon God? We can even be the Head Demon God, the King of All Evil Gods. Like Zeus is the king of the gods in the Hellenistic Heaven. But evil.

That seems just too good to be true.

And I’m talking to a demon after all.

The fantasy angel-chan which looked like a glorious character from a certain magazine which is the sister of a super-powerful American idol was a lot less sympathetic.

I bet if this was something nice, and not… well, a deal with the devil, it would have talked about that.

“And why should I accept? You said yourself the last Demon God just gave up on that world. I bet it’s an all-righteous world with people looking for a way to kill the gods. Do you want to destroy my soul or something? Will I disappear from existence if I reincarnate as a god and be killed?”

[Demon] - Mr. Takahara, please. We are the fantasy pantheon. Nothing dies forever here. All you need is the will of a [Writer] and anyone and anything can be brought back from death. And since we have plenty of Heavenly Writers in our Godly Writing Halls, you won’t disappear forever, no matter what happens. And then, even if you did, you know how things are. You have gone to many other pantheons. If one of our higher ups destroy you for good, then you essence will migrate randomly into someone’s [Soul Spawner] and become again part of the infinite cycle of souls. There is no such fear.

“Which means they can kill me. And they probably will.”

The demon put its hands on the table, making a smug face.

[Demon] - Nothing of the sort! You see, the last Demon God gave up because the planet just had become boring for him. It is a very stupid planet where people constantly do stupid shit. So no Carrier God would find it useful to increase it’s ranks on it’s pantheon. In fact, the last Demon God’s exact words where “I can’t get a promotion working here even if I redo the thing from zero, so fuck it”.

“Then it should be bad for me as well.”

The look in the face of this motherfucker. SO patronizing.

[Demon] - Mr. Takahara, let’s be fair here. Humans may be a free race, unbounded to the pantheons by birth, but they are also the weakest of intelligent beings. You aren’t getting a bad chance. You are being offered a never-before-seen deal. Become a god! You will be bound to our pantheon’s system and rules, but there’s plenty of benefit. Besides, if anyone ever manages to kill you, I can add a clause on your contract where you are given freedom to become human again. How about that?

“And I suppose you would make it impossible for me to be killed?”

And now he’s smiling.

[Demon] - You got me. I would make you an undefeatable immortal god. But if you want a scape chance, then how about if we agree on some killing terms? Something you feel comfortable with?

“Well, make it so I die whenever I want to.”

He’s contracting himself.

[Demon] - Iiii… would not recommend that. You are prone of having suicidal thoughts, are you not? That would spoil the fun! Why not choose something else, let’s say, a Combo Death?

“Combo Death?”

[Demon] - Yes. If a series of events happen, then you can be killed. Let’s say, if a prophesized human gets a divine sword and reaches the divine realm or some bullshit like that.

“Then I have no control over it! You can kill me whenever! Or I could be unable to kill myself!”

[Demon] - Okay, okay, I got it. Here, how about if we get both ideas together?

He getting this smug attitude, bringing his fingers one closer to another like this… what a motherfucker.

[Demon] - What if… what if… we make it so you will die for sure if you are stabbed with a divine sword by a prophesized human, only if you want to die, and only if you allow for it to happen by saying it out loud?

“…make it so I need to give a written permission addressed to my killer.”

He just clapped his hands.

[Demon] - You sir, have a deal. Shake my hand.

And that’s how I became a god at a forsaken fantasy world.

And also how the previous Demon God, working undercover as a lowly newly-dead receptionist, managed to become human in my place.

Never trust demons.