The problem with being a smart ass is that they are too many people willing to put you in your place. For all my plans and schemes my death was turning out to be one of the biggest cliches in history. The butler did it. I say this with all seriousness it was my butler who finally did me in, not my money loving family or my revenge seeking ex-fiancee, it was the butler.

The bastard didn't even have the decency to watch me die , no evil master mind monologue, no reminiscing on how I had wronged him, just a feeling of pain as Jonathan stabbed me in the back…….repeatedly.

“Talk to me boss, were just ten minutes from the hospital” Toby screamed at me from the driver’s seat of my sports car but his words of encouragement were ultimately words of doom for me, I wasn't going to last ten minutes. I glanced at Toby as he forced the high performance engine of the ridiculously expensive car to its limits, blazing through stop signs and red lights, with one hand one pressing one of those new age phones to his head I chuckled at the amazing degree of multitasking I was witnessing. Toby’s normally stoic expression was gone and a furious one had replaced it. “I am going to kill Jonathan!” he swore deftly twirling the steering wheel forcing the car around a tight corner at impossible speeds.

“you shouldn't threaten to kill someone while you’re on the phone with the police” I weakly stated as we tore down another street, I tried to remember the name of the familiar street but my brain refused to send information out anymore and my vision was beginning to go dark. I definitely wasn't going to last 10 minute.

I got out my phone, a normal one with buttons and everything, and speed dialed my back up plan as Toby yelled at the police operator for a shorter route to the hospital. As the line began to ring on my phone I linked it up to the car speakers before letting my phone drop to the floor, it seemed unusually heavy. “ do you know what time it is Philip?” a soothing calm voice asked from the surround system of the car, the voice belonged to Matthias, my best friend and over priced lawyer.

“They got to Jonathan Matt, I have been stabbed” I weakly stated, I had never been much for words, Matthias had always been the eloquent one; it was mostly his corny pick up lines I had used to get Toby to go out with me.

“Oh my God, oh my God, how bad is it? Where are you?” he screamed at me as if somehow getting stabbed was my fault……….well technically it sort of was but that’s beside the point.

“hey listen to me buddy, I need you to hold the fort, I need you over there right now, the second I die they are going to come gunning for grandma and Toby, so when that happens I need to know you’re going to be there to protect them” I said softly, my logic was cold, hard and brutal but I needed Matthias the shark right now not my warm fuzzy buddy, “Toby connect us via video” was his only reply. Toby instantly hung up handing over his sci-fi looking phone, first making weird swiping motions before letting me take it.

I stared at the blank screen wondering what I was supposed to do with it, there were no buttons to press it was just one massive piece of glass and plastic, when the screen suddenly blinked to life showing Matthias’s face.

“Hey there white boy” I said jokingly as I stared at the red eyed and runny nose image of my friend. The fact that he didn't immediately tell me not to call him that was a testament to how bad I must look. Matthias had always been the more handsome of the two of us, while my olive skin from my Nigerian grandfather and slanted eyes from my Asian grandmother gave me the exotic look, Matthias blue eye and blonde locks with flawless skin was a finishing blow most ladies never recovered from, come hail, sleet or snow Matthias was always handsome, except when he cried, and right now he was balling up a storm.

“what do you need me to do?” he asked through sobs with a determined face, “just protect yourself , grandma and Toby, if you can keep them from overturning my will that should make things easier for you” I said “find out who got to Jonathan and make them pay”. As the conversation had gone on, my hand holding the phone had come to rest on my thigh as strength left my body, the only thing keeping me up right was the seat-belt and blood had pooled on the leather seat leaving me sitting in a puddle of my own blood. Even though I was in this deplorable state my mind turned to revenge, yes I was quite a stoic person but I was also a malicious bastard, a maliciousness that Matthias shared with me.

“I swear ill make them pay, ill make them all pay” Matthias said with a grim determination as I leaned back into the chair with some effort glancing sadly at Toby who had began to cry in the last few minutes. “Its okay Toby, at least I smoked my entire stash” I said jokingly. “Shut up old man” Toby swore at me applying more pressure to the accelerator taking us up a hill and suddenly we could see massive neon green cross.

“Matthias we are almost at the hospital” Toby screamed at my crotch where his phone with Matthias’s face currently were. A hundred jokes and puns flashed through my mind but I was actually relieved, maybe I was going to die, Toby and I were the same blood type and the hospital looked pretty decent, but sitting in a pool of your own blood would make any hospital look decent.

The car swerved into the parking lot and came to a halt at the entrance.

“Help me! Somebody help me!” Toby screamed as he raced round to my side of the car to pull me out, the white towels that we used to apply pressure to the wounds fell out to the concrete as I lost the strength to keep them against my wounds, my hands were cold and had slight tremors running through them, my legs were weak and my knees shaking but dam it I survived, I thought to myself as Toby yanked me out of the car.

But faith had one more hand to deal in my very eventful night. It was the engine that gave it away, low yet aggressive like a wild jungle cats silent growl, it had reminded me of my then fiancee Cassandra that was why I bought it for her, beautiful to behold and deadly to offend. That was why even in my diminished state I spared a glance to see the car that had such a similar sounding engine. What I saw was a red convertible barreling towards us, as I watched it became painfully obvious that the driver had no intention of stopping. With the last of my strength I heaved Toby out of the way, then pain like I have never felt before slammed through my very being.

The last few things I remembered was flying car parts, the sound of Toby’s agonized wailing and lastly the two occupants of the car, my loyal butler Jonathan and my snarling ex fiancee Cassandra.

Damn bitches be crazy.