The torture is over, but the war has just begun, every word I’m taught has at least two more words that have little to nothing to do with the root. I’ll have to memorize every one or fail. And failing Japanese class, in Japan, as a Japanese person would make me look so so stupid. At the end of the lesson I snuck a photo of the board on my phone, because I wasn't going to write something like ‘holiday in recognition of service’ down.

I spent the entire time baffled and brain fried. I didn’t follow the lessons either.

“You did not seem to enjoy today’s lesson, Aoki-san, is there something you had trouble with? I am willing to help you as much as you have with me.” I glare skeptically at her.

“Yes, and how much do you feel I’ve helped you?” Qualifiers are important. This qualifier is based on her perception of things. Given her perception included a table flip I can only imagine what she has in store.

She’s silent for a second, and Obi comes up to us. “Hey! So, are we going to that club room? I’m excited to see real life lilies!”

I take a deep breath through my nose and squish my eyeballs. Fucking christ… “Why? Why do you say these things? Do you even think about the things you’re about to say? Or do you just act on instinct? I don’t know which is worse. Genuinely don’t.” I don’t even have the comfort of you being designed to upset me, seeing as you’re a real, genuine person too.

Out of seven billion people on earth, I get stuck with the guy who looks at lesbians like it’s a safari. I regret this joke, it’s gone too far and taken a life of its own. One who’ll never recover from his brain rot.

“Hey, you’re the one who invited me!”

“The whole lesbian thing was a joke!”

“You said you believed it!”

“No I didn't, I just gave the logic behind the joke! A bunch of women in a club reading literature about romance for the guys they’ll meet when they’ve graduated?” I bop my forehead, “Well, hurr durr, they’re lesbians! I concede there may be a disproportionate amount, but I do not believe all of them are, or that they’ll walk up to you and say, ‘hi! I looooove girls sooo much, I wanna give them swords and lick their boobs.’ Nor are they going to kiss in front of you, you tactless, sex-obsessed voyeur.”

Obi fumed, “You’re the one who told it like that in the first place, how was I supposed to know you were joking? Shit! You got my hopes up and then smash them and insult me! Why did you even invite me along, then?” He’s pouting. He’s actually pouting that he won’t meet any lesbians. Not only that but he thought my logic for there being an oranization comprised entirely of lesbian was legitimate.

To be fair, we are in an anime, but acting based on that is not conducive to acting like a normal, acceptably sane person.

Why am I assuming that’s his goal? His goal is obviously to be horny for the girls in this school getting together.

My goal is to get him to be socially acceptable.

That causes character conflict between us.

God fucking damn it.

“I told you, to protect my chastity! You aren’t going to be voyeuring me kissing a girl, are you?”

“What? No!”

“Your Honor, my point. To be fair, your tactlessness will probably scare off any peripherals who try to pin me down and rip the gossip from my poor, traumatized lips.”

“What would they be doing to traumatize you?” Silver, obviously having noticed that the opportunity for me to know what she meant has passed, enables me.

“Pin me to the wall by my throat and ask me who I am and what I've done to their family.” Jokes are always funniest when coming from personal experience. Life is absurd, and everyone loves an absurdist. Well not everyone, I’m certain certain Christian groups don’t appreciate the idea that life is meaningless and existence doesn’t care about you.

Wait, that's nihilism. Fuck what was absurdism all about again? They’re not the same thing, philosophy hates synonyms.

“And you called me sex-obsessed.”

“Trust me, it was not sexy.”

“Wait, that actually happened to you? When?”

“If I tell you and she finds out her cover’s blown she’ll kill me and then you.”

“How long have you been entangled in this spy ring?” He points to Silver fearfully, “Have you been spying on us, did you do that to him?” Please don’t be genuine in your accusation.

“I am too weak and spindly to ever lift a large rock, let alone a person.” Just pushing around your chair must be exhausting, then. Not that anyone’d be able to tell.

I lean in conspiratorially, with a false whisper, “That’s just what she wants you to think, she actually works off hydraulics. It’s where all her sweat goes.”

“Really!?” Your gullibility is worrying. I’ve no doubt you’ve been intentionally embarrassed by bullies before using that flaw.

“No. Dumbass. I was making a joke.” I can’t steep anything in irony around this guy.

“I do not think it was very funny.” Silver lifts her arms into a crossed position, then turns her head away. “Hmm ph.” I have decided you’re a troll, but I also genuinely don’t want to offend you; why must you be so unemotive? I get that you have a condition, but that doesn’t help me. Especially that fucking exagerated hmmph, if you weren’t a god damned, honest to life anime girl I’d be certain you were shitting me.

I can understand why other, less patient, less desperate for connection in a world they’re castaways in, children might just call it off and start bullying you. Still, out on the limb, might as well trust it, “Good execution on the ‘hmmph,’ really sold it was faux offense.”

Silver’s head turned back to me, and she nodded slowly, “Thank you.” Confirmation of non-offense, greenlit for future mechanism jokes is a go. Keep ‘em tasteful, hotshot.

Roger that.

Aren’t I supposed to be doing something? It’s after school… “Right!” I shoot up out of my chair, pushing it into the desk behind me. I step aside and grab my chair, “I have a date with destiny.” I proclaim, tucking in my chair.

“I am certain that is not her name.” I suppose that might not translate well, I am talking in English and The Translation has been shown to be wonky with idioms. And I suppose I don’t know what the cultural connotations behind names and such are. I mean I assume that Destiny’s a name, considering that wasn’t her objection. The gendering of names is rather arbitrary, Madison used to be a boys name but it’s a girls one now. I mean I don’t know but for some reason there seems to be a real heavy connotation of fate with femininity, the Fates, the Norns…

“Destiny’s a girl’s name.” I affirm to Silver. But those are western examples and we’re in Japan, I don’t know about Japanese mythology, except through Okami. And like, one panel I saw from Sandman.

She takes a beat, “What does that have to do with it?”

I take a breath and pause, “I don't know.”

Awkward silence follows.

Best to extricate myself. To the library! Through the halls and past the woods to the library house I go. For my date with someone not named Destiny…

Shit. What was her name again? She’s introduced herself twice in the last 48 hours, yet I. actually I think it starts with an H. And it’s Japanese, so there are only 5 vowels that can come after it.

So, think this through. It’s narrative based right, so it’s probably something like, what’s the word for princess? That’d be in there somewhere, I think it starts with an H so it’d be the first one. What was the name of the hair cut? I did call her president hair. Hime-cut?

Right Hime-something-or-other.

There are still two syllables left there. Was there a y sound?

Fuck, this is almost as hard as fucking looking for things.

Yuki’s a name right, Himeyuki?

Sounds close enough. Though I could just keep calling her Student Council President. STP.

Steppy.

Hey! That works.

Wait, no it doesn’t. Student Council President.

SCP. My God! Is she numbered? Is that why she’s called the Black Rose? Why she’s the SCP before anyone even voted for her? Her strange and inexplicable noticing of me of all people on the second day of school?

Am I an scp? Cause I suppose I'd technically count, even if I’m completely harmless to the greater functions of the mundane world. What could I, a single transmigrant, do in the face of a universe of anime? nothing, that’s what.

Now to find that library.

Awww, shit.

There’s got to be a map. Or I could just ask someone.

I turn to a random person near me “Heyyo. Where’s the library?” The brunette in a sailor suit stopped for a second.

“Ettoooo. It should be past the courtyard near the administrative building.”

“Thanks! Where’s the admin building?”

“Uh, past the courtyard near the library.”

I give her an unimpressed look. “Ok, from the courtyard, which way do I go to get to the library?”

“Akio-san! Wait up!” Oh, right, Obi. Didn’t notice he hadn’t come along. “How do you walk so quickly, you were gone before I even knew I had to catch up.” I was speedwalking, my friend, not just casually strolling.

“I wasn’t walking that quickly. Anyways, sorry for the interruption, continue?”

“Etto, you get to the courtyard from here, and then walk to the building that to the…” she gestures with one hand then the other, “left, and it should be attached.”

“Excellent, thank you very much. Come on Obi-kun, we’re walking to the library, try to actually come with me this time.”

“Screw you, bastard! Shit. I did earlier too! You’re just quick!” So you say, but was there a dust cloud? Did my legs blur? No. They didn't; you are just slow on the uptake.

Suck it, nerd.

As we came upon the building with a library attached to it I noticed that it had the same architectural eccentricities the classroom building had.

Is it gold filigree, or is it just gold paint? I mean, this is supposed to be a catholic school, so I wouldn’t put it past the church to embezzle their buildings.

Embezzle? No, wrong word. It starts with emb… encrust? Embroider?

“Emboss. That’s the word.”

“Huh?”

“Just thinking out loud. Though embezzle would make sense…” I trail off.

“Those words aren’t related, though.” Obi muttered, bemused.

Getting to the front of the building a sudden wave of trepidations overcomes me. I hesitate at pulling open the door. God, what am I doing? It’s my second day of falling into the anime dimension and I'm already on a date?

I mean, that tracks, but the circumstances still leave me floundering.

“What are you waiting for?” Obi nudged me impatiently. Rude. “We’ve gotta so I can talk about les- protect your chastity or something.” Nice dodge, Garry.

Why am I waiting? Let’s see, after school… “I am certain that I'm forgetting something. Something that I was supposed to do after school, and I will severely regret it if I do not heed.”

“What, you need to pay off the yakuza that got you this date?”

“No, but that feels like it’s on the right track!” I snap my fingers, “It’ll cause bodily harm at least, maybe chokeslam me.” I mean, choking is only something my sister is allowed to do to me.

“My Sister!” I gasp, “Fuck I needa tell ‘er I’m on a date, otherwise she’ll kill me and feed my body to pigs!”

“Pigs?”

I get out my phone and quickly text her ‘I accidentally got a date with the student council president through extremely contrived circumstance, I'm going to be late to you picking me up. I’m in the library attached to the admin building. No idea how long this is going to take. Feel free to come in and save me.’

In response to Obi’s question I reply, “Pigs are a great way to dispose of a body, they’re ravenous omnivores that’ll eat even the bones, teeth, and clothing, so there’s no evidence.”

Obi has the blue face of the sickened and disturbed. I wonder if that’s from stopping breathing, or lack of blood, or something. “Where did you learn that?”

I give him a blank look, “My sister,” I lied “obviously.” I mean, who else would I learn it from, my mother? Not the one I have now, certainly.

Now that that crisis is over, back to our regularly scheduled anxious bravado. I throw open the door, which quickly halted and slowly drew closed as we entered. Because of the hydraulics.

“Welp, now to go and hopefully sabotage my chances so I don't get some sort of reputation as a romantic genius. I mean, seriously, there was a crowd of girls surrounding us, they even called the person I’m on a date with ‘The Black Rose of Umehana’ which is such a larpy name, I can't imagine that anyone would willingly be called that.”

“The person you’re on a date with?”

“Himeyuki, or something. I dunno.”

“You don’t know her name!? And you asked her out!?” Obi cried out with betrayal, grabbing onto my shoulders this time, which was nice. As nice as being shaken furiously is. “You damn pretty boy riajuu, how dare you give me this advice and then flagrantly abuse your status to ignore it!” He yelled with tears running down his face. I have no idea what his problem is. What do you mean by status, and why are you calling me pretty boy?

“Obi shut up for a second!” I disengage from his spray of tears, honestly this man has too much fluid. “It’s fine,” I say calmingly, “I haven’t broken any of my rules.”

“You haven’t?” he sniffles.

“Of course not, she asked me out, I don't have to know anything about her.” Though, not having to know anything about her doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to know stuff about her.

Obi makes a dramatic choking sound and falls to the ground, curling up into a fetal position.

“That’s right,” he sobs, “you can just have girls ask you out, you don’t have to work to gain their attention, or take advice from mentally unstable riajuu with murderous sisters. You don’t have to work for anything, you don’t even have to run in PE to see the glorious bounciness that is inherent to the female population.”

I blink blankly at him. Put my hand on my chin and consider. “Maybe I should've asked Silver to do this for me instead.” I mean, at the very least her outbursts would only be in relation to the Translation instead of this depraved conspiracy theory.

What causes a person to think like this. Is it being downtrodden and socially isolated? Bullied and ridiculed? Horny?

A combination of all three most likely, humans are complex, and horny, beings after all. I’m just lucky that I know how to deal with my horny by remembering that my mother exists and comparing…

I am not finishing that thought. Fuck you, anime.

Anyways, I'm abandoning him to his jealousy-infused breakdown in the middle of the hallway. Like all true friends would.

Oh look, a librar-cum-clubroom, with muffled voices on the other side! I wonder what’s in there!? Is it perchance an opportunity to eavesdrop? To hear sensitive information that I otherwise wouldn’t that is vaguely incriminating or reveals a sinister side to this meeting? I gingerly slide the door open, which luckily makes little sound, and sneak in.

Ok, so, this is an actual anime moment, the character hears voices, sneaks in. Obviously I'm going to hear something vaguely important. This is also a romantic comedy moment, so it’s going to be something that complicates the relationship. Of course, using any of this information will lead to needless drama at a later date. I am also probably walking in on an ongoing conversation.

But! I will listen in on the entire thing, and only use the information I gain in order to contextualize their later actions, and never mention that I eavesdropped in the first place. As such I won’t cause any easily avoidable stupidity.

“But Nee-sama, it was an obvious ploy! He’s going to use you to increase his reputation as a casanova, and ruin your plans at the same time.” I hear from behind this book stack, walking in on an ongoing conversation. This is my smug face.

But. Excuse me? What’s this miscommunication bullshit? Is this because I stated my intentions to specifically not have this reputation? Of course it is, this is punishment for my hubris.

Also, could you please say her name so I don’t make a fool of myself. I may be exempt from my rules, but looking stupid is something that I rather dislike.

“He backed me into a corner, Fubuki, I expected him to flounder at the implication when I tried to deflect from our… club.” Really? Suggesting we read porn together- well now that I think about it, most protagonists… wait, what were you deflecting from the spy ring or that you’re lesbians? What does that significant pause mean?

Something else, what corner did I back you into? You walked into it! You were the one painting the floor! I’m the one that got stuck with you.

“I still think it was kinda weird how he was focusing on the lesbian thing.” I clench my jaw so I don’t shout out that I was fucking memeing! It was the spy ring thing that I was mostly serious about! “Even if he said that he wasn’t serious about it to his friends, I don’t like how that’s what he jumped to with a bunch of women reading romance books together.” I swear, I am so much more concerned about the election fraud and intelligence gathering ability you’ve shown than any sort of interpersonal relationships you have. You do have a point about the low hanging fruit though.

I am beginning to see why eavesdroppers always make a dramatic entrance. This is infuriating. It’s only a half-step better than people talking about you in front of you.

“That’s not something I really care about, Fubuki, it doesn’t concern me. I’m more concerned about my deal with Father.” What does that have to do with your club? “This jeopardizes things, I had a plan for my high school career and this threw everything out the window! Now I have to act lovey-dovey~ and clingy~ and ‘oh, isn’t he just amazing~’ for the rest of my time in high school! Damn him! Fuuuuwaaaaaaaaa.” What? No, you don’t have to do that, please. It’s just one date, it’s not like we’re a couple right now.

They drift off into silence.

I regret this plan. I wish to stay ignorant of the ongoings around me. I crouch down and rub my face. Ow.

Ok, ok ok ok. What does this fit into, it feels like a forced relationship situation. Why would she have to act that way towards me otherwise? This being an “all-girls school” it’s a harem, or at least likely to be one, but circumstances means that it has a main girl. Potential drama could pop up around girls getting a crush on me, but being unable to do anything but orbit around me with my confirmed relationship.

Is it confirmed? almost certainly. She’s rich, I am 95% on, she’s powerful, 100% on, she’s completely able to, I dunno, fuck over my life somehow. Maybe buy my house and force us into pauperdom. 80… 3-ish% on really I wish I knew who her father is. And her name. Wait.

Phone. Search bar. Black Rose of Ume hana. I swear to god if I get an scp article.

Oh look, an article in the school paper. By one Noshitara Minami. Skim, skim, scion of the Hirayama clan, Hirayama Kameko.

Alrighty, so she’s rich, and part of the leftover feudal samurai or something. Or maybe the yakuza. I have no idea about clan politics in Japan.

Why would she have to act all lovey-dovey in a forced relationship?

It came up after her deal with her father, maybe something about appearances? Rich people politics are weird, they’re basically modern day nobles. Those types get really weird about heirs and dating and shit like that. It’s a deal with her father. I remember her saying ‘my destined.’ So me accidentally tricking her into asking me out made me her destined. And I need to stay her destined now for her plans to work. So I need to be in a relationship with her. Because otherwise her deal with her father falls through, and she has to marry, like, idunno, some rich douchebag in an arranged marriage.

That is a rather convoluted and impractical course to set with your romantic future.

Very silly, very anime.

That’s practically guaranteed to be it.

Alright, might as well do some cursory research of her family.

Hira… yama… clan… oh, a wikipedia link! They must be important. Ok, so skimming again, they seem to own a bunch of businesses in retail, restaurants, and also a pig farm up in Hokkaido. Apparently they supply the pig version of wagyu? Bet I could make some kickin’ ribs from those. If I ain’t kickin’ those ribs myself! Ha! The current head of the clan is Hirayama Koushun… click. Ah, his wife is Hirayama Kimiko, daughters Komako and Kameko.

Kimiko, Komako, and Kameko. That’s certainly alliterative. And. just… that’s going to be so hard to remember.

“Ah!” Fubuki shouts, “How about we get your sister to scare him off!”

“Nope.” Kimiko shoots her down, sounding depressed, “Father won’t allow it, if he thinks I found my destined. Which he will.”

“Ugggggh.” she groans, “How long would you have to do it?”

“Three years at least. I am not spending high school being courted by half the population of bastard suitors. Or dealing with Father’s pushiness.” Ok, so being courted seems dreadful, perhaps not an arranged marriage so there aren’t any assholes that might compel me to stick it out so she isn’t met with a horrible domestic life.

Wait, there’s no tension here. What reason do I have to say yes?

“Nee-sama, language!”

“Hai, hai.” she sighed, staying quiet for a bit, “Fubuki, why do people even want romance, anyways? Why does my Father want me to find the love of my life, in High school?”

“I dunno, isn’t that why you joined this club? Maybe he wants you to have what he has with Okaa-sama?” I blinked. She joined the romance research club to try and find the love of her life in high school. Wait no, that doesn’t fit in with the whole ‘plans’ thing. So what? She joined the Romance Research Club to actually research romance, and made the spy ring as a side benefit?

That’s still rather silly. And seems much less in line with anime than before.

“Zoku zoku.” I could hear the shudder, along with the.. strange vocalization. What’s wrong with his relationship with your mother?

Well, I know who I’m going to further interact with when I’m inevitably blackmailed for Miss Voter Fraud’s personal benefit or further her vague ‘plans,’ since she doesn’t have any personal peril to really sucker in my sympathy. I stand up, walk to the door, and open and close it loudly. “Ayo, I have arrivéd! My chaperone should be done with his mental breakdown- or something- soon!” I can hear a bit of shuffling while I walk through the library.

I walk past the bookcase that was hiding me earlier, and see the wonderful, long black hair of my accidental date sitting down in front of a brown haired, twin-braided girl standing behind her shoulder. She has glasses, and is rather shorter than me, she comes up to, like, my armpit? Hmm.

“Why, greetings, my destined.” Hirayama bows her head, “I hope this evening finds you well.” She gestures to the stack of books on the, rather nice, table. I walk up and jostle it a bit and it doesn’t budge. Heavy. “Here is a selection of my favorite books our club has, why, please peruse them at your pleasure.” Well this is certainly a tonal shift. You were a lot less formal earlier talking with your… adjutant?

“Cool,” I sit down and start looking through some of the titles. The Wolf is Gallant and Wary. Ok… Love Under the Moonlit Cherry Tree. Seems normal, oh, this one’s a manga. I’ve Been Sent Back in Time to Seduce the Emperor, but Now I Have to Fight the Barbarians in Gaul!? “Women? fighting in Rome? Blasphemy.”

“Why, the author actually addresses that.” ‘Why’ she wasn’t saying that earlier when talking with Fubuki. What does that signify? What’s being translated?

I look at her confused, “How?”

“Why, she dresses up as a man and seduces him that way.”

I blink, and look back at the book. The Emperor of Rome being tricked into fucking a girl because he thought she was a twink? Like some sort of strange occidental version of Mulan? “Yeah, ok, that tracks.” Seems a bit bullshit, but it does.

“Why, it also is well researched and goes into the logistics and intricacies of the Roman war machine under Augustus Caesar.” There’s the ‘Why’ again. Heh, why is that happening?

“Uh… huh.” Well, I don’t know much about the Roman Empire except some broad strokes. “When’d Augustus Caesar even reign?”

“Why, from about 27 BC to about 14 AD.” huh, so he was alive when Jesus was born… wait.

“Do you know who Jesus Christ is?”

Her brown eyes looked at me confused. “Why, no? Is he an author?”

I slowly sigh and facepalm, then start hitting my forehead with the heel of my hand. “We’re. In. a. Catholic. School!” This hurts my head and my elbows, but it’s better than the pain of the theologically ignorant. I shouldn’t even care, but it’s like those fuckers taking the european map quiz and clicking France instead of Spain. It just hurts so badly.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Fubuki finally speaks. To repeat the same exact question that has plagued me for my two short days of existence in this unfortunate plane.

I look at her with dead eyes and repeat rotely. “He’s the seminal figure of Christianity. The Son of God on Earth, or so it’s claimed.” I pinch the bridge of my nose, “My real problem is that no one has even heard of him, seeing as him getting crucified by the Romans is the reason Catholicism exists in the first place. I am baffled and upset.”

“What’s wrong with us not knowing who Jesus Christ is, then?”

“It’s…” I throw my hands up exasperated, “It’s like coming to Japan and no one knowing who Oda Nobunaga is, despite him being the one who basically made the whole modern day Japan thing possible. It just doesn’t make sense for people in that environment to not know.”

“We’re in Japan, of course we’d know who Oda Nobunaga is!”

“We’re in a god-damned Catholic school! A School run by the largest christian church in the world! And you don’t know who Jesus is! That’s my point!”

“Why, it is only the second day.” I pause at that. That’s a good point Ms. Hirayama. That is a gossamer thread on which I will load my fraying sanity.

“You know what, you’re right. I’ll get upset again if people don’t know about him in two weeks. That still doesn’t explain why we don’t have religious classes.”

Fubuki spoke up again, “Well we do have a-”

“I know about the fucking nun, already.” I growl. Fubuki gasped ‘language!’ I sigh again. “Well, moving on from all this,” I sweepingly gesture to the room, books, and all that. I really need to address this whole date thing in the first place. “One, why’s she here, and two, I gotta say that I’m sorry about the whole accidental date thing. It was a kickass line that I had come up with like five minutes before, and I was incredibly stoked to have an opportunity to use it near immediately.”

“Why, the whole reason we’re on this date is because you… wanted to seem cool.” well it doesn’t really feel like a date, to be honest, more like meeting up, or something.

“Less ‘seem’, and more ‘think of myself as’ cool. I really didn’t care what everybody else there thought, I was walking away feelin’ like a badass.” That gets me chastised for language again. “Speaking of other people thinking, why are you called ‘the Black Rose’? As you said earlier, it’s the first two days of school, how do you already have an appellation like that?”

“Nee-sama is the Black Rose because all throughout her school career she’s been unattainable!” Fubuki shouted, slamming her hand on the table, “Yet you just waltz in here and pluck her like it’s nothing and you’re saying that you did it on accident! For your own ego!?”

I raise a finger, mouth open to retort, but Hirayama cut me off, “Fubuki! Why, I understand your frustration, but I can’t have you yelling at my boyfriend.”

Ah, I get to use my posture still, “Hey now, we ain’t a couple! I don’t know shit about you, but I'm not the kind of guy to rush into a relationship just from one date. The point of dating is to get to know your potential partner. Jumpin’ the gun like that is not a way to get a stable relationship.”

“But, why, I asked you on a date. Why, it is known that I am looking for my destined one, and now that I’ve asked you out on a date t-”

“Ok, I’m sorry, what’s with the why thing?”

She looked startled, “W-what?”

“The thing, where you say why before every sentence. I mean I don’t wanna dis it if it’s the way you speak,” Even though I know it isn’t. I heard you talking to your friend earlier, “but it just seems like an artificial affectation and honestly it’s bugging me.”

“What? I’m not saying why!” Then what the hell are you saying that it translates to why!? What purpose does it serve in the sentence to add why in front of it, and what’s the fucking equivalent in Japanese!? It is devastatingly annoying to not know what is up with that obviously feigned verbal tic!

I take a deep breath. “Ok, then. My bad. Sorry. Continue. Now that you’ve asked me out on a date?” i prompt her to continue her earlier sentence.

She blinked in confusion for a second before shaking her head, “W-why,” There it is again, I don’t know why it’s there, and I can’t get an answer, but there it is! “It is known that I’m looking for a destined one and since I asked you out, or you made it seem that way, we’re obviously destined to be together, and so you are my boyfriend. We are meant to be together, the red string of fate piercing through both of our hearts, sewing together our love until the end of time!” Yeah, I generally don’t put any sort of weight into the whole ‘fated to be’ thing, nor destiny in general (even though I’m on a date with her, ha!). But, having been transported into an anime, I do think that narrative has some sort of weight in my life, now.

And so, I think that I've stumbled into a forced relationship style romantic comedy anime. Hence refusing this… confession? It was less a confession and more being told that I'm with her now. Anyways, I'm probably not escaping this. Or I wouldn't be under a normal protagonist’s skill set. However, I have one weapon in my arsenal that seems to never occur to any protagonists in a romcom, ever!

I take a deep breath and prepare the most devastating weapon one can use against a romantic interest. “No.” I pronounce, and let it hang in the air.

A moment of silence for their poleaxed expressions. Honestly, I've always disliked the whole paradigm of forced relationships, on a couple of grounds. Morally, you know with the general distaste most have towards arranged marriages and such. And also it violates the forced party’s consent, very important that, especially if it’s both parties being forced. Practically, the power dynamics in both scenarios just do not lend themselves to healthy communication or trust, both of which are… well… the bedrock of a relationship.

And besides, we got in this situation through (unintentional) trickery, I could never stomach that. Only trick people you plan on never interacting with again!

Alrighty, time to get blackmailed.

Fubuki then points at me, shaking, “W-w-w-what do you mean ‘No.’!? How can you say it so flatly!? You can’t just refuse to be the boyfriend of the Black Rose of Umehana!”

“Yes I can. No means no. Consent is the most important right one has, and I am exercising it.” I painfully cross my arms, “No.” I nod, self-satisfied.

“Y-you!” Her face fills up with red, the vein popping on her forehead. Honestly she seems way more upset than Hirayama does. Probably has to do with poise training or something.

“Fubuki.” Hirayama interjects, “Why, bluster is obviously not going to get us anywhere.” she leans forward, her face darkening. Here it comes. “Why, so, why don’t we start with… incentives.” That just sounded awkward. What possible combination of words causes that specific idiosyncrasy? “Why, you may have access to my bank accounts.” My eyebrows raise.

I guess bribery is a type of blackmail?

“Nee-sama!” Ignoring Fubuki’s outburst, I respond.

“No.” Sure, having a lot of money would be good, but I also have principles, and those principles are stubbornness, and ‘fuck you.’ I was preparing myself to say no to blackmail, too, so saying no to bribery is easier.

Wait! I know how it’s blackmail! I’d be a prostitute.

Her lips purse. “Why, you know that I’m the second daughter of the Hirayama group, yes? I have a considerable amount to my name, even as a high school student.”

I stare at her, and narrow my eyes. What’s a good response to this… ah. “Don’t care. Die, Bourgeois. Eat the rich.”

An eye twitch. “Why, such a refusal is unacceptable for my destined, you’re meant to be my romantic partner. Why, rumors of our relationship have already spread throughout school, it’s unbecoming for you to be so stubborn now.”

“Rumors presumably spread by your spy ring.” I hear the door to the library conspicuously shutters open. Hmmm, I have a sudden ominous feeling for my next sentence. “No. I will not be your boyfriend, especially after only one-”

“WHAAAAAAAAAT!? What did I just walk in on!?” all of us turn to see a heavily breathing Obi. frankly, I should've known he’d come in now. He charges up to me, grabs me by the shoulders so at least he remembered, and starts trying to shaking me!

“You-!”

“Dude, what the fuck!?” I seize his arms, ow, and rip them off me, “That’s the third time today, stop god damn grabbing me! Yell at me from a distance, like a normal person!” I have to remind myself this is a library to not shout. It’s all I can do to keep my voice at ‘intense.’

“How else can I shake you and your stupid bastard brain out of your stupid bastard head!?” he wildly flapped his hands around before pointing at Hirayama. Ignoring that this is a library, careless asshat. “You’re saying no to that!”

“Obi, use the proper pronouns, women are people. Also, quiet down-”

Ignoring me, he decides to go on a diatribe. Excellent. “Do you not see her pure skin, like snow unblemished? Her long legs, perfect to step on her inferiors? The glimmering emerald orbs to look on with disdain on her lessers? The absolute territory she flaunts to the frustration and delight of all hot-blooded young men? The bountiful bosom she carries with her, subtly bouncing with every step?” My mother’s are bigger shut up brain. And bouncier I said shut up! “You would deny this walking goddess? This rose is waiting to be plucked and you would stand there and refuse!? What kind of man are you!?”

I’ll admit, that was much more poetic than I expected of him, but no less degenerate, nor heeding of the sacred rule of libraries the world over. I heave a great sigh, and look at Hirayama and her friend, who are both bemusedly glaring at Obi. And they were on to me about the lesbian joke. Hmmph. “I’m very sorry, he just keeps on giving me reasons not to date you.”

All three shout various kind of “Eeh!?” then Fubuki slams her hands down, “Why not!?” God damn, stop with the loud noises!

“Well,” I gesture towards Obi, “Listen to ‘im.”

She makes a face like she bit a lemon, “I-I guess…”

“Hey aren’t you supposed to be my friend!?” We just met each other, we may be on the road, but we are not nearly there yet, dude.

“I have made my opinions on your opinions on women very clear. I refuse to take any such advice from you, and perhaps may even do the opposite. Anything you say I should do is bound to end badly.” I look to Hirayama, who is dejected, I think, “If it makes you feel any better, I still really like your hair. Seriously, it’s beautiful.” back to Obi, “Any decision i make will be sans your guidance.”

She shakes her head ferociously, seriously there’s motion blur, “Why, I’m not giving up this easily!” She speaks gently but intensely. She gets up, marches over to me and makes to grab my collar. Nope! Nope no no no! I am done with people getting in my personal space and grabbing me today! With being physically assaulted and manhandled! I grab her wrist and, channeling all the barely remembered tae kwon do lessons my parents had us go to, twist to get it behind her arm!

“Aaaaaa, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Unhand me! I’m the daughter of Hirayama Koushun and you-” don’t care about your family, I twist harder “It hurrrrrts! Stop! Stop you swine! Stop or I'll feed you to pigs!”

“Ha!” I exclaim, pointing at Obi “See, I told you it was a good way to get rid of bodies.” Then, from behind him a Shock of Pink! Hair emerges from behind the bookshelf.

My sister, with a blank face of unimpressed bemusement, deadpans “Aoki? What did I just walk in on.” Ah, line repetition. I’d appreciate it more if I wasn't scared.

I freeze, looking around the room. How did it come to this. This was unnecessarily escalated! “Uh.” Well, shit. How do I succinctly describe how this happened? “Uh.” I look down at the twisted arm in my hand and the student council president begging for mercy. I look back up at my sister, “Uh. My… date?”