What could I use that latex for? What the hell do people use that for? I haven't got a clue. I mean, sure, in reality latex is in loads of things but in medieval times, how am I going to use that?

I'll just keep it. I'm sure something's gonna come up sooner or later. Now, I need to sell all this stuff. First is the pelts, the most obvious. I'll sell those to a tanner.

"Hello? Are you the one who owns this tannery?"

"Yeah. 'zere a problem or are you here to buy?"

"Actually, I was hoping to sell. Do you do wolves?"

"Course I do, why wouldn't I? How many you got, and do I have to skin them myself?"

"I have eight of... these."

"Oh, they lookin' mighty fine. Not a single tear or scratch that I c'n see. But eh... Why not sell these to someone who works with fur? They could use this better'n me fer sure."

"Well, I'm just not sure where to find anyone in this place."

"Iss two corners thataway, ya take a left. Whole place's full of fur enthusiasts. Don't call them furries."

Heading over to the indicated location, I see several players walking around, slowly, looking into the windows of shops and muttering to each other. I head into one of them upon seeing a bunch of fur through the window.

"Good day, sir. Can--"

"ARE YOU HERE TO SELL WOLF PELTS?"

Some 12-year-old looking dude screamed in my ear. Not having any of that, I grabbed him, shoved him out into the street and told him, at a proper volume, "Yes. Be quiet you autistic dog-fucker." He was a player so I knew he'd get it.

"Terribly sorry about that. Now, I've got eight wolf pelts here. I've been told upon offering them to a tanner that I'd better come see one of you instead, as you work with the fur directly."

"Yes, we do. I'd be glad to take them off your hands, even damaged. Everyone's running low on fur around here, and that could mean trouble, what with winter being a thing that exists. Preparation's an all-year-round kinda thing, you see."

"Oh. Winter. I hadn't planned for that. How much do I get?"

"I'll give you 35 Gold a piece."

"Deal. Where can I go to sell fangs, tusks and the like?"

"You'll want to look for alchemists and accessory shops."

"Alchemists?"

"Yeah, ground-up bones make for great fertilizer for their herb gardens."

"Okay, I'll keep those in mind. Pleasure dealing with you."

"Of course."

Upon leaving the store, I got faced by the twink again. He'd brought friends, a plain-looking girl and a... Well, he was real big. Obviously, this person had taken their fetishes and realized them. This dude was as big as you could make them (I'd tested it) and the muscles were ridiculously distended.

"Oh, you are degenerates after all. What do you want? My name? My virginity?"

"Your money. Give us your money and we'll let you go."

Yeah, the girl sounded manlier than him.

"You realize big man right here's not interested in your trappy tendencies, right? It doesn't matter how muscular your friend here is. With what I know of you lot, all you looked at were the ads saying you could fuck bunnies. I bet you're still level one."

"You're wrong! We're all at least level 13! We'll kick your aass!"

"The guards are gonna hound you, you know? Better watch yourself, dawg. Wouldn't want them to make you howl out in injustice, riiiight?"

"Are you making dog puns? I'm not affected by that, you know."

The girl seemed to be affected, though. She was beet red and clearly wanted to hurt me bad.

"Oh really? Well, your friend here's tugging at the leash to maul me, you know. Like an animal."

"You're a dick, you know that?" she said. She looked like from anger, she'd switched to sadness. Obviously, she'd come here to escape bullying and I'd shoved it in her face.

"Well, you're trying to mug me without weapons. Unless you're all focusless mages, you don't stand a chance. FLEX! This muscle is used for punchin', kickin' and wrasslin'. Can your friend even do anything with those overinflated muscles?"

"Whatever, let's go. This guy's meeean."

They left, the big dude clearly struggling to walk, the girl almost crying. I feel like I'm a bad person. Alchemists, alchemists. I have stuff to do.

Oh, I recognize this place. During the daytime, it's way busier. Heading into a random workshop, I asked if anyone was looking for bones.

"You got bones? What kind, boy? No, lemme guess: fangs and tusks. Right?"

"Yeah. Why, you got too much?"

"No. No, I don't. This is an engraving workshop, not an alchemy one. We make single-use runes on those. Can I have them? I'll buy hundreds."

"I have these wild dog fangs, 66 of those. Wolf fangs, 45. 9 boar tusks as well."

"I'll take everything for 500 Gold. Those fangs are worth pennies, but the tusks are reusable. This is a lot of money for this much, though. I'd suggest you take it."

"I'm taking it. Where can I sell these?" I said, taking out a dog's tail.

"Oh, tails. Across the street, in the alchemy workshop."

"Thanks."

Heading across the street, I walked into the same workshop as last time.

"Hi there, young man. Can I help ya?"

"Um, I was told you'd buy these from me." I said, holding up the Dog's Tail.

"Oh, these? Of course, of course. I'll take them. They're abundant around here, so don't expect a good price, okay?"

I sold them for 2 Gold a piece.

"Can you tell me where-- no, do I really want to sell it?"

"What's wrong, young man?"

"Well, I hunted a lot of wild boars but I don't know if I should cook the meat or sell it."

"I suggest cooking. It's great in stews. I heard you could grill it with some kind of technique, but apparently it takes skill and timing. When you said 'cook', your bird got a bit ruffled, you know. I think it wants some."

"Sounds good to me. Where do I get the tools to cook, though?"

"You'll want to head over there, you're looking for the vendors. There's always someone who sells cooking equipment in those places. It's a good idea, really."

I ended up in the street leading to the gate again, this time looking for instruments to cook with. After a bit of searching, I found what I was looking for, a store selling pots, pans, forks, etc.

"Hello, I'm just getting started on street food and I was wondering if you could help me with equipment."

"Of course I can, come over here. We've got full cooking kits, complete with a folding table. It's pretty boring and nothing like the stalls and carts outside, but it's a start."

"Does the kit come with spices?"

"No, you'll have to get them next door."

"Ok, got it. Yeah, this seems good. It's got pans, pots, ladles, a small wood-fueled stove... Oh. I need wood."

"The kit will cost you 700 Gold."

"Yup."

Putting the kit in my inventory and heading next door, I saw and smelled a myriad of spices. What a sight.

"Hello, what are you looking for?" an intellectual-type man with big glasses and a small belly asked me.

"I want to cook this boar meat I got, but I'm not sure what to use. I'm intending on grilling it."

"Ah, meat from the wild boars around town. I see, you want to grill it. It's already quite flavorful on its own, so I suggest some salt and pepper, not much else. Though you could also rub some hardleaf into it, gives it a twist."

"Hardleaf? What's that?"

"Well it's a plant with hard, tasty leaves. It was used in teas, but turned out to be far better when ground up and rubbed into tough meats."

"I'll take some salt, some pepper and some hardleaf then. Enough to cook about twenty pounds."

"I'll get you that, just a second."

He went behind the counter and grabbed three bags, put the spices in them and handed them to me. Oh, I've never had the bagged ones before, I buy my spices in bulk.

"Thanks. I'm off to do some experimentation now."

"Have fun!"

I left that store, then went right back inside.

"I didn't pay you! I-how much do I owe for these?"

"Oh! It's um, 112 Gold."

Then I left for real.

"Okay, let's take this outside town so I don't embarass myself in public."

We left town and headed for the tree from when I first met Biiro, still standing in the back of the meadow, still without a single leaf. No, I still need wood. I grabbed the beginner's axe from my inventory, moved over into the woods and began chopping at a tree. It was rather big, but I'd have more than enough with only this.

This is taking longer than I expected. This axe is sharp, and I'm swinging hard, but this tree is barely taking any damage. Do I need to learn woodcutting from someone before I can actually do it?

Environmental Damage has leveled up!

What? Why did this skill show up? This isn't me breaking the-- oh, so that's what it does. But my intent is clear. I'm gonna use this tree in my stove! Come on, fall!

Now it's working. My Stamina's going down, but so is the tree. Just a little more and I'll be able to push it over.

Okay, it's good! Now, push in the direction opposite to the hole! It's coming down!

"Timber!"

You have gained the Lumberjacking skill!

Oh, now I get it. Do I have to cut this up myself? Jeez, what a task. That's crafting for you, though. Alright, time to work some more. Stripping the branches, chopping it down into smaller pieces... I can feel Lumberjacking kicking in, even at level 1 the skill helps me in knowing the basics.

It took a while but I had it cut down into logs. Damn, that was hard. I'm ready to cook now at least.

You get 221x Oak Log

Oh, great. That'll last a while. I hope that tree respawns.

"What did you do, you damn fool?"

"What the fuck?"

There was someone standing behind me. I had no clue.

"Did you cut that tree down?"

"Y-yeah? Is that bad?"

"Yes, it's bad, you mong! What kind of a fucking dumbass do you have to be? Do you not know the rangers will kill you five times over if they catch you cutting a tree down?"

"There's rangers?"

"Yes. Yes, there are rangers. We lumberjacks--see the axe? The proper axe?-- have a specific area of the forest just for us. You're a fucking idiot."

"Well how was I supposed to know? This is my first time using an axe of any kind to do anything! I normally just punch boars and break wolves in half with my bare hands! There should be some kind of sign, at least!"

"Oh, you're putting the blame on me now, you little shit? I'll show you a fucking tree, you fucking--"

"Gentlemen. What, may I ask, is happening here?"

A man in a green cloak showed up. His face, stone. His gear, clearly suited for a forest. A ranger.

"This dumbass cut down a tree outside of the limited area. I was reprimanding him."

"Like I said several times, how the fuck was I supposed to know? There's nothing, no signs, no outwardly spoken laws, nothing!"

"Oh, you cut down that oak tree, huh? Well, you deserve punishment. It's left up to our discretion, so we all have our own little methods. You, get out of here."

The lumberjack ran away.

"Unfortunately for you, you got me in a foul mood. So, as punishment for its trunk breaking, I'll cut your trunk as well, big guy."

"My what?"

He pushed me down, on my back. There was nothing I could do, I could tell he was way stronger and swifter than me. His hood fell off, revealing elven ears and a big evil grin.

"But before that, let's have some fun, hmm?"

"What even? Why is it so small though? I find a hunk for the first time in months and he's got a tiny dick? I don't even care that you cut down that tree, I just want a big man to rough me up! Mfff~ but I can't get that from you! Leave, you fucking eunuch! You better not cut a tree again!"

What even, what, what, whaaaaat. That elf dude's a part of the Big Gay! It's nice to know he thinks I'm hot, but to think I've seen more horny, kinky NPCs than players makes me feel like I'm playing this game wrong.

Duck me in the beeper, my duderino, this feels like way too much effort to cook a damn boar steak. But I'm here, I've done it all, I can cook now. I'm back at the bird tree.

I set up my instruments carefully on the table. The stove lights itself and can be adjusted, which is nice. Time to take out the boar meat. It's a big indeterminate chunk. How should I cook that? I'll cut this somewhat low-fat section here, rub a bit of salt and pepper in, and put it in the pan. Oooh, that sizzle is nice. One boar steak, coming up! I hope it's not too tough.

For the rest of the piece, it's a bit different. It feels almost like...

Bacon. Boar is like pig, right? This eight-millimeter-fat surface looks like bacon to me. I'll try to cut thin strips and throw them in with the steak. Yes, yes, it's sizzling, it smells just like the real thing! I wonder what fresh, un-smoked bacon tastes like. I guess I'll find out soon.

The boar steak should be just about ready by now, I flipped it and everything. The bacon seems good too, mostly because it's so thin. I'll throw some more in.

"Okay, let's wait a bit for it to cool down. Then we get to taste boar steak, with a side of bacon. No vegetables, only protein and fat!"

I worked on the rest of the chunk and ended up with a big amount of bacon strips and a nice-looking boar steak, cooked well-done in case of bacteria and stuff.

"Let's try it out." I cut a bit out of the steak, looks nice, it's white inside. In my mouth, the taste is great. It's a bit too tough for me, a bit chewy, but it's good. I'll call it a success.

"What about you guys? You like it?" "Pii!" "Rrruuu"

I've never heard that noise before. Not from a bird. Biiro's trying to take some more, though, so it seems that's a yes for both. I'll cut this up into bite-sized pieces then move on to the bacon.

"Okay guys, moment of truth. Is this bacon good?"

I take a slice, put it near my mouth and...

I take a bite.

It's perfect. The bacon is cripy, it's not tough, it's got just the right amount of fat. This game is fucking great and whoever says otherwise is a damn liar. And it's this good without me having any in-game cooking skills or any real seasonings-- well, who puts seasonings on bacon?

Point is, this could be a lot better but it's already really good. If you know how to cook IRL, you can make real food with in-game ingredients.

Emptying the plate between us three, I quickly wrapped up the cooking kit. That whole cooking process took three logs.

Biiro and Crush seem content but I'm still somewhat empty. Oh well, the feeling of fullness doesn't matter, I've had food.

I guess it's time to go and hunt down more corrupted beings now. Who's closest? There's still the minor god of the cliff, so I'll go do that.

These ones we get loads of information about because they're close and weak, but for the others, it'll get tougher and tougher, huh... This one's level 29, less than Stretch. He's also not a boss at all.

Let's hope he's not the type to sneak up on me and try to push me off the cliff.