Richard felt his body suddenly shaking in anger. Standing in front of him was the midget, who had f#@ked up his first day on this gods’ forsaken world. Memories of being tazed by some kind of magical wand and being stuff in a smelly, dark prison returned with a vengeance, and Richard gripped his knife with thoughts of homicide running through his brain.

Then, the little midget piped up in a cute sounding, high pitched voice, “I’m no Welks! My name’s Meran, an’ I’m a halfling you big dope!”

Richard’s homicidal inclination almost immediately vanished, and he looked back down in surprise at the midg… no halfling, who was pulling up his pants while wiping his tears off his trembling cheeks, looking like he was desperately holding back his sobs. The hair was the same color… but this midg… halfling didn’t have a button like nose or green eyes. Instead, this halfling’s nose was a bit more prominent, and his eyes were black colored. Mind you, he still had the kid like, soft looking triangular face. Still… Yep… Not Welks.

Then Richard’s eyes then fell on his own knife, which he was holding like he was some kind of crazy slasher… It was a pretty ‘suspicious’ scene. Anyone looking at it would have probably considered Richard to be some kind of….umm… let’s leave it at ‘bad guy.’ Quickly, Richard hid the knife behind his back and cleared his throat. “Ahem… ahh… As I was saying, I’m here to save you… I think?”

The halfling, Meran, looked up at the big human, who had saved him just when things were looking very, very bad. The mean bandits were going to do something, which would have… hurt very badly. In fact, Meran had been praying desperately, even as he screamed, for someone to come save him. Truthfully, he had been praying since he was kidnapped at the crossroads to Ortesse earlier today, but the halfling gods must have not heard him until now. Thinking about everything he had lost at the crossroads and the mean things the bad bandits had said to him, Meran began to tear up again, his lips trembling.

Richard winced as he saw the tears pouring down the halflings face and tried to say something encouraging. “Your’re safe now… right… Look, all the bad men are dead.” Pointing at the dead men, Richard tried to simile his most calming smile.

The halfling looked back at the bloody scene and quickly turned back with wide eyes, a scared face, and his mouth opening in shock.

Richard’s smile froze on his face and he thought, “Oh shit.”

“WWWWAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

It took some time to get Meran calmed down, and by the end of it, Richard felt like he was one of those kindergarten teachers, who was yanking on his/her hair in frustration while standing in middle of a dozen crying kids. Except, Richard only had one annoying halfling do deal with.

“So… Uh… Meran… How old are you?” Richard felt it was a pertinent question, since the halfling was literally acting like a kid.

Meran, who had just finished blowing his nose on one of Richard’s tunics, looked up and whispered, “14.”

Richard winced as he watched his tunic get ruined and asked, “How’d you end up being kidnapped by the goons back there?”

Meran looked down and said in a depressed voice, “They attacked me when I was camped at the crossroads to Ortesse… and then stole some of my things and then they brought me here.”

Now, Richard was all for independence and self reliance, but even he didn’t think a 14 year old had any business traveling alone in this crazy, f#@ked world, especially with things like grasards, Blood Vipers, and crazy bandits roaming around. “Were you alone or…?” Richard really didn’t want to hear that he had to go save someone else or hunt down some other idiots… but, well, he couldn’t ignore a kid either.

Meran shook his head, becoming a bit lively finally. “No. I was on my Wilabouwus after leaving my parent’s farm four weeks ago.”

“Wila…wilabow… what?” Richard hated weird, foreign words…. Oh, he was all for cultural diversity and multicultural experiences... But some words you had to grow up saying, and no amount of brain implanted languages could fix that.

“Wilabouwus, silly. It’s where a halfling, who’s come of age to be an adult, goes and sees the world, experiencing new things and learning what he wants to do in life.” The halfling had a bright smile on his face suddenly, like he had just forgotten he was supposed be depressed after losing all his stuff and almost being… umm… tortured by a bunch of goons. That made a couple alarms go off in Richard’s head… but… he resolutely focused on the fact that the halfling was an adult even though he was only 14….

“Umm… So you’re an adult?” Richard wanted to make sure of that…

“Yep!” The halfling smiled brightly, standing akimbo, like he had just accomplished something spectacular.

“Okay… You’re welcome for being saved… Good luck…“ With that, Richard turned to leave… His business was done with the halfling, and Richard’s ‘You’re Screwed’ alarm was ringing pretty loudly now. The halfling seemed a bit… ditzy was the best word.

He had walked about half way across the clearing, when suddenly, he felt someone hugging one of his legs… Richard stared at the sky for a bit, counting down from three, but the hugging sensation didn’t go away. Sighing, he finally looked down… and as expected, Meran was on his knees, hugging Richard’s right leg with a suddenly tearful face. To say Richard felt Déjà vu was an understatement, though he remembered being on the other end in the past.

Massaging his forehead, Richard said, “Don’t tell me… you want to go with me, right?”

When Richard looked down again, Meran had his mouth wide open as though shocked, “Yes, mister! How did you know?” The high pitched, piping voice was super annoying, but Richard just gritted his teeth and decided he couldn’t actually… technically… or maybe even morally kill someone he had just saved…. Right?

Richard sighed and decided he had to be firm with the halfling. “Look, I know….”

CRUBBSSSSSSSSHHH!

The sudden noise kind of put an end to the conversation. The halfling’s eyes widened, matching Richard’s own surprised look. Slowly… both of them turned their heads in a creaking manner towards where the breaking, crushing noise had come from. Richard began muttering, “Please don’t be something… please don’t be something…”

Of course, the gods seemed to be in a good mood today… so… there was something there…

From behind some bushes, a large form pushed out. Two yellow stained tusks, each curving up on either side of a large snout were the first to appear. Then came the wrinkled, dirt and grime stained face that only a mother could love…. and following that was a large body, a little smaller than a Volkswagen Beetle, covered in matted, brown fur and held up on four beefy legs.

SNORT!!!!

The sound echoed through the small clearing… literally making the air tremble. Richard couldn’t believe his eyes… It was a friggin boar… but not just any boar… it was boarzilla.

There was no fat on the monstrous slab of pork chops… The body of the beast rippled under its fur revealing well toned muscle and dozens of old scars, and when it tossed its head to shake off some leaves, it was with a force that would have made a bear flinch.

Then it lowered its head, and its bloodshot eyes fixated right on Richard…. “Oh shit….”

“Hey mister… umm… Mr. Pig doesn’t look too happy…”

For a second, Richard disbelievingly looked down at the halfling, who was staring back at him with wide, frightened eyes.

SNORT!!!!

By then, it was too late any witty comebacks or even a “seriously….?”

Richard yelled, “Move!!”

Surprisingly enough, the halfling actually let go pretty quickly, scrambling off to the side doing a backwards crabwalk.

Richard slowly lifted up his halberd, nervously pointing it towards boarzilla, who was pawing at ground and spraying snot all over the place as it got ready to charge. He… really didn’t want to be doing this…. From his experience so far in this world, boarzilla was most likely something out of the ordinary. Just its size was enough to prove that it was a magical beast of some sort, but… the overpowering “I’m going to f#$k you up!” aura it was spilling all over the place kind of sealed the deal.

In the first place, Richard had no idea why the freakish beast was after him. It wasn’t like he had accidentally kicked the pig while it was sleeping or something. Hell, he didn’t even like pork… But…

GRUNNNNTTSQUEAALLL!!!!

Boarzilla began charging, tossing dirt and grass behind as it closed quickly on Richard from across the clearing.

Without a second thought, Richard fired a ‘Stone Projectile’ right at the beasts head….. to no effect. It was like the piece of stone just shattered, with pieces deflecting off the boar’s head in a half a dozen directions. The old Richard would have just stared in shock… but he was too used to the crazy world to be caught unawares. Even as the stone shattered, he was already dodging to the right as he twisted his arms so his halberd would at least cut the boar’s back.

SKISSSHHHHHH!

The sound of the metal skidding on something… hard reverberated through the air, as the halberd was jolted in Richard’s hands. It took all his strength to not lose his grip on the wooden shaft but… his surprised attention was instead on the boar’s fur, which showed no signs of damage as the creature charged past him.

Richard twisted around wincing, trying to regain his balance and trying to ignore the jolts of pain rippling through his arms. He watched as the boar stopped running… but had to friggin skid to a halt while creating furrows in the ground. To make things worse, the bloated, dead men lying in its path were trampled over like they were ketchup packets on the ground… Of course, the red stuff that got splattered this time around wasn’t ketchup.

Suddenly, Richard felt queasy realizing he would have been crushed to a pulp if he had stood his ground. Boarzilla shook itself and began stomping, as it turned around making grunting and squealing noises. Richard quickly reviewed the list of spells he had left that were active, finding ‘Quagmire’ and ‘Biogas’ the only ones available. Just as the boar finished turning, Richard cast ‘Quagmire’ right below the beast… only the mud trap didn’t exactly cover enough space… The boar literally had a couple feet in and a couple feet out…

SQUEAAALLLLL!!

And it was pissed! Richard turned, and seeing Meran nervously standing off to the side, he yelled, “Run!!!”

Richard didn’t stick around to see if the halfling had heard and began running as fast as he could. He wasn’t being a coward… No, Really…. There were a couple of very valid reasons why he was running…

1. Boarzilla’s skin was armored with iron like fur… Richard had no clue if that was the pigs real fur or some kind of skill. Still… it was kind of pointless to try and fight when you couldn’t even stab the damn thing.

2. The only spell he had active now was ‘Biogas,’ and even if it was effective, Richard had a bad feeling that it wouldn’t be enough to actually knock the fat ass pig out…

3. He just needed enough time to figure out how to kill the damn thing… hopefully, while the boar stayed busy with the halfling…. It was a bit evil, but… Richard figured he deserved some compensation in return for saving the midget in the first place. Crossing himself, Richard offered a small prayer for the annoying, little squirt’s soul…

Pumping his legs as hard as he could, he kept running, dodging branches and bushes as he tried not trip on any roots creeping across the ground. Hurtling over a fallen tree, using one arm to pull himself over, Richard suddenly saw something dart right under the fallen tree trunk. “What the….?”

Meran turned around with smile. “Wow, mister… You sure stopped that pig in its steps…”

Richard dropped down off the collapsed tree and very quietly asked, “Meran... why are you following me?”

Meran’s eyes widened a bit. “But, you said to run.”

Richard felt his left eye twitch. “Yeah, but not after me!”

GRUNNNTTTTSSQUEEAAALLLLLLL!!!!

Boarzilla’s furious roar echoed from behind Richard, and the ground began trembling more and more violently, like something was closing in.

Richard watched as the halfling’s eyes became large saucers… before the squirt turned around and ran holding his arms out in front of him, screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”

“Damn it! Come back here, you little…!!” Richard began running after the halfling, but the little bastard was actually fast on his feet…

Behind himself, Richard heard the boar getting closer and closer, the sound of grunting and squealing becoming louder. Richard… took off sprinting…. “F#$K!”

Even as he ran, he knew it was stupid to think he could escape from the damn beast. He needed a plan… someway to trap or at least slow down the damn thing… Weakness... the only weakness he could think of was the boar’s eyes… “SHIT!”

Almost sliding to a stop on the uneven forest ground, Richard eye’s quickly took in all the surrounding trees… until he finally found one large enough. “Damn, Damn, Damn…. This is going to work… It will… It will…” Muttering to himself, he sent his halberd back into his inventory as he pulled out his dented short sword. Taking up a very loose defensive stance in front of the huge tree, Richard watched and waited….

It didn’t take long as he saw the rampaging boar approaching. It skid to a stop and twisted around before facing his way. Snorting blasts of air, the boar pawed the ground furiously as it got ready to charge at Richard again.

“That’s right piggy… Come here little piggy… Come right here….” Almost sarcastically, Richard called out to the boar as he stood shaking in his shoes… He knew he had once chance to pull it off… and if he screwed up even a little, he’ll end up as ketchup…

SQUEAAALLLLGRRRRUUUUNT!!! With a loud cry, the boar charged shaking the ground like an approaching train.

Richard held his breath as he watch Boarzilla get closer and closer…. and right at the last minute, he dove to the left with every bit of force he could muster.

CRARKBBAAHASHHHHHHHCCCRMMMMM!!!! The sound of the huge tree splintering was music to his ears even as he tumbled in the leaves covered ground. Rolling to his knees, he quickly got up, turning around just in time to see the boar stumble backwards, shaking its head as though stunned. Richard knew this was his last chance… His mind immediately pulled up the ‘Biogas’ spell. Using it wouldn’t knock out Boarzilla, but Richard hope it would be enough to slow it down until….

“Mister! I’ll save youuuuuu!!!” The high pitched voice suddenly piped up from somewhere on the other side of the boar, and Richard eye’s immediately reoriented itself on the halfling, who was standing about seven or so meters on the other side of the boar… holding stones.

“What the…!” Richard’s brain tried to comprehend what in the hell the halfling was up to… just as the little idiot threw a rock as hard as he could… while closing his f#$king eyes in the process.

Time slowed for Richard for a just second… Oh, not in the literal sense, but in that sense of seeing some terrible disaster coming his way with little he could do about it. The midget’s aim was completely off… And based on what Richard could tell….

“FUC... UGGGGHHHHHH!” His scream of frustration ended in a heartrending gurgle as he doubled over inhaling air and feeling like he was going to puke… “AGGGGGGGGYYYYYUSSFFUUUUKKKK” Richard literally screamed as he exhaled.

He couldn’t really say much, but in his mind… “IT F#$KING HURTS!!!! ARRRRRHHH!!! I’M GOING KILL THAT MIDGET!!!” Mind you, the back of Richard’s mind considered the irony of the whole situation… The second halfling… no… the second MIDGET he had met in this wonderful world… and he got screwed over again. Instead of just being tazed, this MIDGET had tried to make him a F$#KING EUNICH! RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A F#$KING BATTLE!

Richard dropped his sword and stumbled backwards, holding his hips and trying to breathe deeply as his nuts throbbed in pain. Through his tears, he saw boarzilla steadying on its feet… Richard didn’t want to use it, but he had no choice… He couldn’t run, not with his nuts feeling like… well, most guys would understand…

A quick thought, and ‘Biogas’ was cast with the boar’s head as the center of the spell.

SQUEEE!!!! GRUUUNNN!!! GOUAHHH!!! SQUEEE!!!!! Boarzilla began stomping on the ground and spinning around in a frenzy… smashing into nearby trees… and pretty much going insane…

Richard turned and began to slowly waddle away with tears pouring down his cheeks… “F#@k, F#$K, [email protected]#K....” He couldn’t actually think straight as every little step he took hit him with dizziness… but the one thing he adamantly swore… “GOD DAMN HALFLINGS!”

GUARRRRGSQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The air splinting roar almost bowled Richard over, and shaking in pain and fear, he turned around just in time to see Boarzilla jump straight up into the air… and literally smash back into the ground with an echoing rumble!

BRRUMMMMMMMSSSHHHH!

Almost immediately, Richard felt himself being thrown up into the air by both the ground and a blast of air. He crossed his arms in from of his face as branches, dirt, rocks, and gods knew what else pounded his body as he flew backwards like a ragdoll being thrown by a bratty child. Then… he felt a jarring impact coupled with the blue sky, hundreds of leaves, and the rough bark of a tree… “Ughhh… Where am I???”

Grunting, Richard moved his arms… only to feel more leaves and air. He moved his legs… only feel more airs as well. His brain quickly woke up, and he realized he wasn’t actually on the ground anymore. Looking around, he found himself tangled in a few branches… about 10 or so meters off the ground.

Feeling dizzy and hurting all over, Richard had clue what to think… The last thing he remembered was being tossed…. “Shit… the crazy boar did this…” He felt amazed at whatever the boar had done to toss him up here like it was nothing. He knew that the pig was some kind of magical monster! Mind you, Richard suddenly didn’t feel that excited…

He glanced down at the ground wondering what happened to boarzilla… and the hated halfling. “I hope the boar crushed that little…” That’s around the time the boar waddled into view on the ground, looking around as though it was confused. Richard tightened up his lips and shut up, thinking, “Go away… go away… go away… no one here… just us trees…”

“Mister! Are you okay up there!” The high pitched voice suddenly made Richard flinch, and suddenly, a couple of branches around him broke… leaving him flailing as he began slipping downwards. Thankfully, Richard was coherent enough to grab a few other branches just in time to stop from falling further…

“Thank gaw…” Richard was about to sigh in relief, when he caught sight of…. boarzilla looking up at him with its bloodshot eyes. “Crap…” Richard’s voice came out in a whine… But he realized he would be safe, up here in this safe, strong tree.

“I’ll distract him mister!” The high pitched voice sounded suddenly closer than before, and Richard began frantically searching the ground below even as the boar began twisting around to locate the voice…. Until Richard finally caught sight of Meran just as the halfling jumped off a low level tree branch from a tree nearby onto boarzilla’s back.

“DONNN’TTTT!!!” Of course, Richard’s desperate plea went out a bit too late.

SQUEEEEEEEEEEE! Almost immediately, the boar went crazy, thrashing around, stomping, and… crashing into trees.

Richard had no [email protected]#king idea how the halfling had even climbed a tree that quickly… but watching boarzilla tear up everything below, he felt like crying… Even sturdy looking trees were being pummeled without mercy.

Meanwhile, the halfling looked like some midget cowboy, squealing and yelling, as the boar ran amuck trying to buck off its passenger. “Mis… Ter… How… Do… I… Stop… This?!!!” Richard didn’t know whether to feel shocked at the screwed up scene taking place or… laugh his head off…..

Just then, the midget got tossed off, and Richard saw the shrimp fly into a big bush nearby… that completely camouflaged the little bastard. Boarzilla quickly stopped its antics and looked back up at Richard, snorting and its sides heaving….

Even Richard knew what the crazy creature was thinking… “Ah..hah…ha…ummm… It wasn’t me… it was the midg… halfling… He’s over there…” Richard tried pointing towards the nearby bush, but boarzilla just kept staring up even as its face began twisting up in rage. “Shit…”

For a second, nothing happened. Then boarzilla twisted around and walked away for a short distance. Richard had no clue what it was doing. Of course, it then turned around and began pawing at the ground, getting ready to charge.

To Richard, the only option left was… up… He immediately tried to grab a different branch to pull himself further up the tree, only to slip…. Eyes suddenly wide, he fell, thrashing until something dragged on his pants and “UGGGGGHHHHHHH…..” Richards went cross eyed as his already throbbing privates were treated to an ultimate wedgie by a friggin tree. Almost crying as he hung on… literally by the seat of his pants… he saw the boar charging…

Only, this time… boarzilla jumped forward from a distance, shooting forward like some kind of wrecking ball flying towards its destiny with a second story apartment.

Richard’s mind froze in shock, watching the end coming… Even if his spells worked, it was already too late to stop the mass of death from hitting him… Then… Then he remembered his last ditch option… His thoughts quickly selected the joke skill, ‘Critical Luck,’ triggering it…….

Everything froze... It was hard to explain…. There was silence... Pure silence… and stillness… Richard could see what was around him, but time was frozen. He tried to move… but he couldn’t. It was like he was there… yet could not affect the world… Then black colored numbers started swarming in front of him like bees. The largest he saw was a ten and smallest, a one. He had no clue what was happening…

Ding!

The sound reverberated through the still world, and Richard’s mind/existence flinched. Then, in front of him, a single “6” formed in golden color, before slowly fading away. Before Richard could figure out what that meant, he felt his mind/spirit being drawn away from his body. It was almost surreal as he saw his awkward hanging position and his pain/fear face from a third person perspective. Then, parts of the tree, mainly the branch he was hanging from, started flashing gold… Richard stared for a second, his mind trying to figure out what that meant, before his spirit/mind was suddenly shoved back into his body…..

And reality resumed. Suddenly, from behind him, Richard heard a loud breaking noise, and he found himself falling through some low level branches towards the ground… even as he saw boarzilla’s body fly right above him and smash into the tree...

CRARKBBAAHASHHHHHHH!!!!

Richard’s mind flashed through everything that would happen next, and by the time he hit the ground, he was already twisting his body, so he would roll out from under where the boar’s body would fall… And fall it did with a

CRUMMPPPPP!!!

Richard rolled, his body hurting like hell, but he knew he couldn’t just lay there. He had his chance again, and this time around, halfling or no halfling, he wasn’t going to waste it. Turning his head, he saw the huge body of boarzilla collapsed near the tree, flinching here and there as the creature tried to move. Richard didn’t give it a chance. He immediately cast 'Quagmire' under the pig and dragged himself to his feet. His body felt drained and bruised, but anger, frustration, and pure bloodlust drove him forward. Retrieving his halberd from his inventory, a quick thought coated its tip with ‘Blood Viper Venom,’ and Richard stumbled over to the boar, even as it began to flail a bit to try and get up.

“Funs over, pork chops!” With a roar, Richard plunged his halberd into the boar’s left, stunned looking eye.

SQUEEEEESNOORRGRUNNNT!!!

The boar began thrashing wildly, and it took everything Richard had to keep shoving the halberd further into the beast’s skull… “URAAAAAAAAA!”

Finally, when he couldn’t take it anymore, Richard let go and stumbled backwards, until he collapsed on his back with a grunt. For a while, he laid there, too exhausted and hurting to move. He continued to hear thrashing and pain filled squeals… until suddenly everything went quiet.

DING!

In the corner of his vision, two icons showed up. One was his ‘Mimic Skill’ icon, indicating it was refilling. And the other… was a golden icon that was flashing...