《Mastery》Not a chapter

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What is life under the constant pressure of insanity, how does one continue when one’s mind erodes around them. I can feel myself slipping away, year after year I lose a little bit more. The strings holding me together loosen with each failure, every time I stand back up, the mental muscles tear just a little bit more. Life has become bland, food now tasteless. The things that gave me joy, barely keep me afloat. When there is no hope in sight, when there is no more you can try. Where is the end? A cry for help is useless when no-one knows the help that is needed.

I try, yet I am tired. Tired of slogging through everyday, with a mask upon my face pretending to be okay. Tired of trying to scrounge up the latest slivers of hope, only to watch them get devoured again and again. Tired of eating, talking, thinking and most importantly, tired of trying. When is enough, does anyone know? I for one do not, I remember the golden days, the smile upon my lips. The easy laugh and the friendly disposition. I remember the will to help, the satisfaction of success. A body forged by effort, a mind hungering for progress. Then I look at the present, The body fattens with the gift of instant gratification, the muscles wear with the promise of an easy way out. The mind wastes within the comfort of technology, yet I know not the way out.

The path eludes me, the energy eludes me. I climb and I claw my way forward again and again, but there is no end, no promised reward. Nothing but yet another climb, I am exhausted, yet perhaps others rely on the shoulders they think strong. If I fall, what happens to those around me? When have you done enough, when is it time to stop living because others want you to, and when is it time to get the rest you feel you deserve? What is life when the encroaching darkness, the quiet, the whispers of comfortable silence, feel reasonable? How can one live when the only ray of light, is the promise of the deepest dark?..

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