The waves lap at the boat, but I'm only vaguely aware of the lulling motions since I slept pretty much ever since we left the island. Apparently I suddenly fell down unconscious when we were at the boat and only woke up now. As for why I lost consciousness...

Ping! Your party has killed 47 skeletons and 33 zombies! Ping! Congratulations, you've leveled up x7 (experience deducted due to your higher leveled party member Ping! Due to your summoned familiars fighting and killing a lot, your summoning magick proficiency and minion summoning skills have leveled up. Ping! Conflagrate has leveled up Ping! Darkbolt has leveled up Ping! Due to continuous dual casting, your mana manipulation has leveled up

Oh... gosh darnit, I forgot I had curse of weakness! Was my last thought before ping ping overload stole my consciousness again. I really wish system-chan would go easy on me... my brain will really turn to mush, you know?

Anyways... so it came to pass that I woke up just now, the morning rays of red breaking apart the dark of night on the horizon as a sandy beach comes into sight up ahead. My teleportation technique is excellent as always, ufufu.

The most beautiful and poetic thing, that which truly completes the scenic idyll of the image, is of course the sweaty, grumbling huge dwarf churning the paddles on my small, yet mighty and magnificent vessel to propel us forward that last little bit until we reach the shore and I can make landfall. You shouldn't badmouth my mighty rowboat, you know? I'll cut your nipples off and eat them as ice-cream topping, okay? Goddamn it!

”It's good that we've arrived unmolested.” I say, placing my hand on dwarf-san's rising and falling shoulders as he breathes heavily. ”Well, relatively unmolested. You're only a little short of breath. With a quick break you should be fine, right Grom?” I say, slapping his still heaving and soaked with sweat shoulders smack smack a couple of times before disembarking with true princess-like elegance.

Which means I almost stumble and fall as I disembark, and one of my feet gets sucked into the wet sand in the shallows and sticks there. When I pull my leg up, the beach eats my shoe, pulling it off my foot like a pervert. Sand-chan is naughty. Ahen. I very elegantly retrieve my shoe by bending down and grappling with wet sand-chan. Of course it's my 100 percent clean victory.

It is not until after I've re-equipped my slightly sandy shoe and walked 5 steps up the beach that it occurs to me to turn back and check on Grom. Still sitting in the boat, he vibrates, his face red and his brow furrowed. Could it be that he played with my body while I was out and got triggered by my use of the word molest? That's rather unlikely. After all, I still smell like death and zombie ass so who would want to explore the contours of my body. Ah, but my body doesn't really have that many contours.

Hmm. No that's not it. Grom doesn't seem like the type, so something else is wrong with him. I let fly an internal hnng as I activate the Alyce-chan sherloli holmes mode and deduce.

”Could it be you need to take a dump!?” I shout, the revelation of dwarf-san's innard struggles elicit within me the deepest of sympathies. Still, Grom remains unmoving, simply sitting there and vibrating with a berry-red face, unable to confirm it for himself. He must be suffering from a truly horrific bout of diarrhea if he cannot even utter a single word lest he risk a rectal explosion.

Let's help him out.

”Let it gooo, let it goooo, don't hold it back any moooore.” I start singing and making a little dance on the beach.

”I DO NOT NEED TO SHIT!” Grom shouts, jumping from the boat in an arm-flailing rage. Unfortunately the boat wobbles, making him fall face first into the sand right near the hole where my shoe had disappeared. He lays there shaking for some time, truly a model method actor were his objective to become a vibrator of some kind. I do not need such a hairy vibrator though, no thanks.

Grom slowly struggles to his knees, his beard wet and filled with grains of sand. His body convulses once more and he lets out a strangled sound and a loud sigh before standing up and slogging up the beach towards me.

Cocking my head to the side, I ask ”There are dark circles under your eyes Grom. Was the constipation really so bad that you couldn't sleep?”

Grom throws his arms in the air. ” I couldn't sleep because I had to row the boat to shore ye daft little bint! Stupid smelly piece of.... aaaghh!” Grom shouts, taking a few deep breaths, his hands clenched.

”Go on, let it all out. I can go behind the bushes over there to get you some private time. Do what must be done, dwarf-san. Do not hesitate, show no mercy. Excise the vile shit from your bowels!” I end with a guts pose and nod encouragingly in his direction. Take my energy dwarf-san and emerge victorious in the battle of the bum.

”Oh for fucks sake!” Grom yells, taking another step towards me and pointing down at me with a fat hairy sausage finger.

”Now ye listen here ye little bag o' goblin nipples” He says, tapping my chest once with his finger and pushing me back a little. Ah, chest-chan, how flat you are. How magnificently lolitastic. I resist the urge to start groping myself in front of Dwarf-san to ascertain the freshness of my goods.

That's good right, I'm learning, right? I'm definitely not going insane, okay? Goddamn it!

”First of all. I rowed us all the way here, hours and hours of laboring, avoiding the fucking undead ships and shit while ye just slept comfortably back there!” I opened my mouth to respond, but Grom went on.

”That's not the worst of it Alyce! You little maggot eating pale faced cunterblasted flob-koochie of a doll! You smelled like me grandmothers arse ye did. All the way here I had to resist the urge to dip ye in the ocean for a wash, but ye know what? I didn't do it. I thought I'd let ye sleep, seeing as ye used a bunch of magic and fainted on me. Kind me! Being considerate and all, yet what do I get in return!? A little gratefulness would be good right about now, but oh no instead ye have the temerity to go on about m--”

”Okay, okay I'm sorry!” I shout, interrupting Grom and quickly waving my hands in the air. Now that I've stopped the machine-gun mouth of dwarf-san, I bow my head. I can feel my cheeks growing a bit warm. I'm definitely not blushing because of shame, because I'm not an idiot, you know? Definitely not, okay?! Goddamn it!

Besides, corpses can't blush so there's no way it's a blush. You hear me?!

”Thank you.” I mumble so quietly even I have trouble hearing it.

”What's that ye said there lass?” Grom asks, putting a hand to his hear.

”I said thank you, okay!?” I say, stomping a foot into the sand, which promptly eats my shoe again. Dismayed, I observe my buried foot for a moment before deciding that I do not want to retrieve my shoe right now. I pull my foot free and turn my back on Grom, my face still hot.

”I'll go dip myself in the ocean so you don't have to endure my horrific smell any longer.” I tell Grom. I hear no reply, not a squeak, and I am kind of nervous to check on Grom. I can just imagine him snarling at me, his cursing almost turned me on just now and even back during the Lintball expedition. That's no good, right? Let's quickly jump in the water and cool off.

I carefully wade out into the shallows before letting myself fall like a toppling tree. With arms outstretched in the glorious loli-jesus T-pose, I splash face-first into the ocean. It's surprisingly lukewarm when I thought it'd be freezing, but my body temperature is low so perhaps that has an effect on my senses.

In any case, I make sure to diligently stroke my clothes and rustle my jimmies, to try and get the stench of rotting corpse out of my toggery. Well, the garments I liberated from a dead child... Let's not think about that too much, it's kind of depressing. Especially since I ate them.

Which reminds me!

Quickly I dive under the water one last time and turn myself around a few times in the ocean-chan laundromat, suddenly very eager to get the cleaning over with. I hurry back to the sandy shore still dripping wet and missing a shoe by the way.

I look up to find Grom lying on the beach, his chest rising and falling steadily. Ah, I guess it's good he's taking a nap, maybe it will calm him down. He worked hard too, so I should thank him properly when he wakes up. Until then I suppose I will guard him since it's the least I can do. Maybe he trusts me a little bit since he went to sleep right there on the beach, or maybe he just has balls of steel. Maybe both?

When I get a little closer I spot my shoe lying on his stomach near his beard. It seems he kindly excavated it for me. I really must show my appreciation for him later. Anyway, my shoe has sand in it and I frown.

The time has come.

Slowly, I get in position and wait for my go. Then I go, taking my sandy shoe and holding it between my hands like I'm in a Hamlet play. I stare at my shoe intensely and say. ”I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.” All I get in response is Grom's snoring and the waves of the ocean gently crashing against the shore with a gentle woosh. His reaction to the greatest line ever written in modern cinematography is disappointing to say the least, but oh well.

No wonder he fell asleep, that oceanic sound is like honey to the ears, slowly lulling you into a trance like whoosh whoosh. I don't have time to be lulled into a trance right now though. I have stuff to do, you know? They say that there will be time to sleep when I'm dead, but I'm already dead. I don't feel like sleeping my death away. Besides, it's not even after dark and disneyland isn't closed either.

In any case, I distance myself from Grom because I don't want to wake him up. Then I summon Zan and call out to Raven-chan at the same time. It seems Raven-chan went her own way while I was sleeping, since she's currently flying over an unrecognizable land. Good job, my GPS! Bring me the data for free! No paying exorbitant sums of money just for a small GPS update, I get it for free because my Raven-chan GPS is the best around, nothing's gonna ever keep it down!

Zan appears in the firey summoning circle with a flash of heat and a burst of sulfuric smells, bowing to me and holding out a non-descript brown bag that rattles enticingly.

My mouth starts watering and I smile at Zan. ”You've done well, my minion.” I tell him, walking forward to pat Zan on his head. His head comes up to my chest, so he isn't that small for an imp and with his wings out he's quite big and scary.

With my small hand I gently caress the rough, rocky grey surface of his bald head. Then I take one of his jagged, deformed ears between my thumb and index finger and nugi-nugi nugi-nugi it until Zan starts squirming and making weird demonic growling noises.

Since there's movement behind his loincloth, as if a great snake has awoken from its slumber, I hurriedly stop the nugi-nugi and take a step back from Zan hoping snake-kun will go back to sleep. Go back to sleep!

Zan stares at me with a dazed look in his menacing burning sockets and I don't know how that's possible, but it just is. I quickly snatch the brown bag of boners from Zan and dismiss him after peering inside the bag to confirm its contents. ”Free reign, go have fun somewhere Zan, you deserve it for completing this task so magnificently.”

”Missstress is the besst. Zan will make sure to enjoy himself.” Zan says before bowing and flying away like a spear, leaving me alone on the beach with my treasure. I haven't checked my stats yet and I won't, not until I've had a nice meal. I recall Raven-chan and try to summon another Raven-chan since the skill leveled up. [Summon Raven Familiar] is cast, and the air distorts in front of me, another Raven popping out of the small, wormhole-like distortion with a pop and a snap.

All I need now is a confetti shower and a gay guy with a french moustache and I can become a great lolician. This raven-chan looks just as mean and lean as my beloved GPS machine, but I can tell the difference in the shape of its beak and the fact that its eyes are yellow and not red. It's also smaller. Perhaps this is a consequence of the fact that I've summoned several raven familiars, so the subsequent summons will be weaker? In that case... [Summon Raven Familiar] [Summon Raven Familiar] [Summon Raven Familiar] I cast it a bunch more times, but only one additional raven-chan appears and it has the same yellow eyes and smaller stature as the first additional summons I brought forth. Ah, good, it's not like one of those russian dolls where a smaller one will appear each time.

I guess I have to level the skill up some more to get more summons, but with this, I've learned that my Original Raven-chan GPS is the best after all. Calling someone an original used to be an insult in my old world, but honestly, when it comes to the Raven-chan squad, being called the original is high praise, for the original is definitely the best. Mhmm.

I should probably name her something cool, but I will do that later, because drool runs from the corner of my mouth. I guess some things never change. Oh well, even the best of us are subject to the bestial urges of our primal natures, right? There's nothing wrong with craving boner-kun soup, okay? Goddamn it!

I drop the bag of bones to the ground and cross my arms. Now, how should I go about making boner broth? I do not have a big witch cauldron, but I have magic! First I send my two yellow-eyed ravens out to scout the area for a source of water. Even here on the beach, my vision is blocked by a wall of forest. Fantasy-world-chan is filled with mysterious nature, as expected.

Next, I try to feel my own Mana. I have magic and I am blessed by the gods and I am a loli. There's no way I can't make this work! Even though it's daylight and all my stats are halved, I still have plenty of juice left in my tank, so I'm not too worried. That fucking God of Light or whatever he is can just go crawl up his own ass. I will still dominate this world even with halved stats, dummy! I just gotta level up a bit more, that's all...

First order of business is to move an object with magic, in other words, telekinesis. There's no way I can't do it since I am an awesome corpse loli, so I sit down and start meditating on the beach, focusing on my mana flow and the surrounding area. The sound of the waves is excellent and very conducive to a meditayshun state of mind.

I try spreading tendrils of my mana to the surroundings and I think I can sort of feel whatever my tendrils touch. Before I can have too many flashbacks to tentacle rape hentai, system-chan attacks me with a ping.

Ping! Congratulations, you've learned Mana Sense, the basic skill required for mage classes. Job: Apprentice Mage and Apprentice Witch are now available.

”Yosh, Josh.” I say, nodding in satisfaction. Step one complete, step two here I come!

Once more, I close my eyes and activate Mana sense, focusing exclusively on the sand and trying to pick out individual grains. At first it's tough, but after enduring some trying times of heavy forehead furrowing and intense buttock clenching focus, I finally manage to grasp the presence of the individual grains of sand. Puhah, I exhale, swiping a hand across my forehead. It's not sweaty or anything. A sweating corpse would be a bit strange, you know? But I feel like the gesture helps accentuate that I worked hard. The position of the sun above also indicates that some time has flown by without me really noticing its passage. Seilf emit so you must carpe diem. Carpet diamond! Fufufu.

Ahen.

Let's not get distracted, alright?!

Ping! Due to an innovative training method, you've managed to level up Mana sense to level 2

I shrug my shoulders. Mana sense is nice and will definitely be useful in the future, but I already have a bunch of level 2 and 3 skills so it's no big deal. This is just the preparatory stage after all. Although make no mistake, I am glad to get the upgrade. It is another step towards my world domination after all, fufufu.

Before moving on to the next step, I briefly check on my Raven squad. It seems that a river of adequate size is quite close to my current location. My lean, mean GPS machine has also found a settlement perhaps a few hours walk from here and it seems to be fairly big and well stocked with ingredients for food.

And by ingredients for food, I don't mean humans, you know? I am not a beast, okay? Goddamn it!

My Raven-chan GPS saw a few carts on the road accompanied by guards, and the town center was filled with stands and yelling merchants. I ask her to bring a bucket back from the town so I can get some water from the river, then I close my eyes and prepare for the penultimate step in my master plan.

Once more, I use mana sense to focus and pick out an individual grain of sand. Then I will it to move with my mind. Nothing happens, but that is to be expected. I carefully coat the grain of sand in a thin film of my mana, and although it's a bit tough, my control over mana seems to be decent.

I succeed after about half an hour of trying. Quickly, I manipulate my mana and lift the grain of sand within my cocoon of mana. It moves and I grin.

But still, my concentration does not slip. This is just the beginning!

I wrap mana around ten more grains and try to lift them at the same time. Piece of cake! Uber success! Next step is one hundred. Easy. Next step, one thousand. Also easy. But it takes some time to wrap my mana around the individual grains.

The lifting part is easy and doesn't seem to be overly affected by the number of items, but the mana coating required for it takes some time to apply because we're talking 1000 individual grains of sand here. Still, I get faster and faster with practice and can now wrap over 50 grains of sand at the same time.

After I've confirmed I can easily lift and manipulate a thousand grains of sand, I let it all go and retract my mana, feeling a rushing sensation throughout my body and a shiver down my spine that feels very pleasant.

Ping! Congratulations, you've learned telekinesis, the ability to manipulate external objects by using your own mana. This is a high level skill that only advanced magic-users know after years of training, and yet you've acquired it before even reaching level 100, much less the usual level 150. +10 int +10 wis +10 spirit Ping! Due to acquiring an advanced magical skill, your Apprentice Witch job qualification has been upgraded to Witch job qualification.

”YES! I am the greatest!” I shout, jumping to my feet. The sand in my shoes is but a minor annoyance now. Then I remember that Grom is sleeping and look over. Good, it seems he hasn't woken up yet. Still, I finally got a normal sounding job! You can apparently choose a second combat job once you hit level 20, but for a third one you need to hit level 100, it's a big gap. High level is not just for show in this world, even though I am a bit of a cheat.

With this, I should check my stats and the level-ups I got from the Lintball expedition. My level should've exceeded 20, meaning I can become a Witch! Yay, yay.

Before I open my status, I allocate the attribute points I gained from leveling up seven times. Unfortunately I still don't know how to allocate my trait and talent points, as I don't seem to have access to a talent tree and trait tree yet. I don't really know how that stuff functions in this world, so I am holding off on it till later. Still, I gained an additional trait and talent point after reaching level 20, so I am excited to spend them. I will ask Grom later. For now, I put 38 points into wisdom, and 37 points into intelligence.

”Status!”

Alyce Katheryn Francisca McDowell

Titles Demon Monarch Lady of Ravens Lifebinder Scholar Paragon Acolyte of Death Monster Rank: F++++ (Mythic) Basic Information Race: Undead (Ghoul/Demon/High-elf) Gender: Female Age: 10 Level: 24 Character Status Health: 2996 Mana: 17757 Stamina: 1838 Class: High-Warlock Strength: 42 Intelligence: 508 Charisma: 68 Sub-Class: None Dexterity: 26 Wisdom: 125 Spirit: 72 Sub-Class: None Constitution: 270 Perception: 46 Karma: -100 Sub-Class: None Affinities Holy: -100% Light: 0% Death: 100% Darkness: 100% Water: -15% Earth: 10% Fire: 25% Air: 10% Resistances Holy: 100% Light: 100% Death: 100% Darkness: 100% Water: -15% Earth: 10% Fire: 25% Air: 10% Traits Untiring (Undead) 99% decreased stamina drain at night. 33% increased Stamina drain in daylight. Life Sense (Undead, Ghoul) You can detect the pulse of life all around you. Radius is twice your perception. Current radius: 64 Meters (100 max). Hungering (Undead, Ghoul) If you eat the majority of a corpse, you will gain 10% of the experience you would get from slaying it normally. Spitfire (Demon Racial) +1 attribute point per level. +20% fire attribute affinity. -20% water attribute affinity. Ancient blood (High-Elven Racial) +1 Attribute point per level. +5% earth affinity, +5% air affinity Status Effects Perfect Corpse (Condition) -1 Charisma. Uhm, you look perfectly fine, if a little cold. Those with the darker predilections such as necrophilia may even prefer you this way. To those people you appear to have an extra 20 charisma. Curses Eian's Condemnation (Curse) -100% to all attribute gains. Hurry up and perish. Titon's Judgement (Curse) When exposed to the sun and when outside in daytime, -50% to all attributes. Blessings Darkness of the Demon Monarch (Blessing) 100% resistance to holy and light magic acquired. 100% affinity to Darkness acquired. Call of the Grave Queen (Blessing) By consuming the flesh of the fallen (dead), you will absorb a small part of their stats. 100% death affinity. 100% increase to all death related skills. 100% immunity to poison and mundane (non-divine) curses. Odin the All-Father's Retribution (Blessing) 1000% increase to all mana related skills. 1000% increase to growth of all mana related attributes (doesn't apply to achievement bonuses). Skill acquired: Summon Raven Familiar(s). Title acquired: Lady of Ravens. Earthmother Gaia's Compassion (Blessing) 200% increased growth to all health related attributes (doesn't apply to achievement bonuses). Skill acquired: Flesh Manipulation. Skills Summoning Magick 2 (Active) Capable of contracting and summoning creatures. Strength depends on character attributes. Higher proficiency allows for more and higher leveled summons. Flesh manipulation MAX (Active) Through excruciating effort and pain, the user can manipulate their own biomass. Eating flesh will add to available biomass. Mana Sense 2 (Active) The basic skill of sensing mana allows you to more freely use your mana. The more you train, the higher the precision and control over your spells will become. Mana Manipulation 4 (Active) The basic skill of mana manipulation allows you to more freely use your mana. The more you train, the higher the efficiency and strength of your spells will become. Telekinesis 1 (Active) An advanced magic manipulation skill that allows the user to manipulate objects by using their own mana as fuel. Death Energy Manipulation 3 (Active) The basic skill of a Necromancer, one who manipulates death. Spells Summon Raven Familiar 2 (Active) Summon a raven familiar to do your bidding. Summon rare Imp Familiar 2 (Active) Summon a rare Imp familiar to do your bidding. Darkbolt 2(Active) Gather a mass of dark energy and hurl it at your enemies. Conflagrate 2(Active) Channel the fires of hell to conflagrate your foes. Death Energy Absorption 2 (Active) To become one with death is to go against the natural law of the world. You have somehow found a way. Conjure Soulstone 1(Active) Create a vessel to hold souls. The higher the level of this skill, the more powerful a soul you can trap. Curse of Weakness 1(Active) Curse your enemy, making them more frail and susceptible to physical attacks. Drain Life 1(Active) Directly reaps the life-force of the enemy for your own use. You are no ordinary warlock, since death is also your domain.

Ah sweet, system-chan upgraded me to an F rank monster. Now I am no longer a G rank noob. I also passed level 20, which according to Grom, is an entry level barrier for novice adventurers as well so that's good. Still, my stat gains from leveling up are as crazy as ever, since I get 15 constitution and 11 attribute points per level now after getting the two racial buffs and being upgraded to mythic monster status. My mana and health is pretty high. Even if they get halved by the curse, they will still be nice and high.

I did consider spending some points on strength, but I'm going for a magic build and figure I should go for some wisdom to make sure I up it a bit. My intelligence is pretty far ahead of the other stats. Perhaps in the future I will spend some more stats on strength, though If I can level telekinesis to the point where I can just use my mind and mana to move stuff I won't need it. I guess I will think about it later, after I figure out what's up with trait and talent points.

One nice thing I've discovered is that it seems I can relegate system-chan messages for later when I kill stuff. That way I don't have to endure constant pings when fighting, but I guess I risk system-chan overload later down the road. It's a small price to pay though and If I anticipate it, I should be able to avoid the adverse affects of postponing the pings and remain conscious through it, I think.

The sun is already high in the sky, so a considerable amount of time has already passed.

Raven-chan has returned with a bucket and I've acquired the necessary skills to make a cauldron in which to conCOCKt my boner-kun broth. I guess I should also try to find something for Grom when he wakes up, since I doubt he wants to eat skeleton monster bone broth for breakfast.