(Remember if you didn't reread chapter 15 after we changed it, go do that.)

Things have been going okay in my life. Karlie's cancer has stayed pretty much the same and I still love Matt so much.

I have been cutting though. I don't know why. Sometimes it could be a dumb reason like someone called me a name. And other times it's like everything in my world is too much and I need an escape.

I hate doing it, it makes me feel like a person who isn't able to handle anything.

I stayed at Matt's house (again) last night and I left the next morning. I texted him when I got home telling him I got home safely. I put my phone down and walked into the kitchen. My parents weren't home (as usual). When my parents said they were going to be home more, apparently they meant they would be at the hospital more.

Whatever.

Anyways, I am really craving some Captain Crunch. I grab it out of the cabinet and pour it into the bowl. I then pour the milk into it. I eat it quickly and put it in the sink.

Thankfully this time we had milk.

I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling.

I suddenly feel like I have to puke.

I run to the bathroom and throw up. I throw up about 4 times.

I feel disgusting. I take a look at myself in the mirror, a good hard look at myself.

I'm not the same McKenna I used to be. I used to be fun and energetic, and never gave a damn about what people thought. Now look at me.

I've taken a beating by the world and the sad part is, I think they won. I let people's words shape who I am now, usually not words of compliments, but words of harsh rude comments.

It's sickening.

I look away and sit back down on my bed.

I'm a horrible person. What kind of person has sex when they are only 15?

What is wrong with me?

I begin to hyperventilate.

I count down from ten breathing in between numbers to calm myself down.

10

Breathe.

9

Breathe.

8

Breathe.

7

Breathe.

6

Breathe.

5

Breathe.

4

Breathe.

3

Breathe.

2

Breathe.

1

Breathe.

I'm breathing better now but the guilt is crushing me.

I throw up again, but this time I didn't make it to the toilet.

Ew.

I throw my hair in a messy bun and pick up my phone to text Matt.

Me: Babe, I'm sick.

Matt: I'm on my way over.

I put my phone down. I don't really want him to see me like this but I know that no matter how much I argue, he's coming over.

I let out a frustrated grunt.

I've been so stressed these past couple months. It's driving me crazy.

I hear a knock on the door and I run down the stairs.

"Hey love, are you ok?" Matt asks walking in before I can even get to the door. I should probably remember to start locking my front door. Whoops. I notice he has a bag in his hand.

"I've been better." I half smile.

He wraps his arms around me and I melt. He's the only one who can take away my stress. It's hard to believe that he used to bully me!

I guess we both made a lot of mistakes, mine are probably worse though.

He hands me the bag and inside is a cardboard bowl with a lid on it containing soup.

"I love you." He states leaning in and kissing my cheek.

"I love you more." I state back before skipping into my kitchen to eat my soup.

I begin eating it.

"Can I ask you something?" Matt looks into my eyes.

I tilt my head a bit in confusion and nod.

"Did you enjoy it with Taylor?" He asks.

I literally choke on my soup. I try to scrape up an answer. Did I?

"I don't know. I wasn't thinking clearly at all that night." I answer.

It was a horrible answer.

Matt looks down at his hands.

"Can I tell you something? You're going to get mad but I can't keep secrets from you."

I furrow my eyebrows.

"I had sex with Jenn when I was dating her."

My heart drops to the floor.

This is exactly how Matt felt. I get it now.

"Oh." is all I can muster up.

"You're mad."

"No I'm not. I have no right to be. I did the same thing to you and I'm sorry for that."

He smiles a little and interlaces his fingers with mine.

We stay like that until he has to go home. Luckily I didn't throw up again for the rest of the day.

This day was absolutely exhausting.