:: Emma’s POV ::

“Have you talked to JJ?”

I looked across the table to see Jillian staring back at me, curiosity evident on her face. No, I hadn’t talked to JJ and I hated that everyone kept asking me that. These were my family and friends, weren’t they supposed to be on my side?

“No.” I shook my head and avoided eye contact.

“Emma.” Jillian’s voice held a certain tone of disappointment and I hated that, “I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but I will say that I think you should talk to him about this.”

I sighed as I played with the chocolate wrapper on the table in front of me, “I’m just not ready to do that yet.”

Talking to him was the last thing I wanted to do at this moment. I didn’t think I was prepared to take that step. I wasn’t prepared to hear what he was or wasn’t going to say to me. Were me and Noah a charity case for him? Just the thought made me sick to my stomach. I was immediately regretting inviting Jillian, my two nieces and my two nephews to dinner at my place. Had I known my failed love life was going to be the topic of conversation I wouldn’t have extended an invitation. I know, it sounds horrible but I just wasn’t ready to face my reality. I was awful when it came to confrontation and handling problems.

“What about Noah? Does he know what’s going on?”

“I didn’t tell Noah anything and I won’t.” I looked at Jillian, “JJ has wanted to pick him up to hang out and I keep telling him no.”

I saw Jillian’s eyes grow wider in surprise at my last comment.

“Don’t make me feel any guiltier than I already do. I realize I’m being selfish and I swear I’m not trying to be. It just hurts.” I tried to plead my case, I don’t know if I was trying to convince myself it was okay or trying to convince her it was okay.

I looked out into the yard at Noah who was running around and having fun with his cousins as they played and I couldn’t help but to feel like the bad guy. I hadn’t told Noah what was going on, I wouldn’t. As mad and hurt as I might be with JJ, I couldn’t deny that he was wonderful with my son.

JJ had called and texted on several separate occasions asking if he could take Noah for pizza or take him to throw the football around, I declined his offers each time. I know it’s terrible of me and trust me, I feel more guilt than you could even fathom. I just knew I couldn’t bare the site of JJ, not yet. I hadn’t even watched the last Texans game because of it, and I’ve never missed one in my whole 25 years of life.

“I’m not here to judge you Em, you should know that.” She reached across the table and placed her hand over mine, “I’m only trying to help.”

I understood her intentions were good; I would never mistake them for anything different. I just wanted them to understand that I had to handle things in my own way.

“I know.” I nodded.

“I just think you owe it to yourself and to him to just talk to him.” Jillian reasoned, “Ask him for an explanation. Yell at him. Scream at him. I don’t care, but I think you need to address the issue and bring it to the table. That’s all. At least give him a chance to defend himself. Does he even know why you’re upset? You have to give him something to work with here.”

I took a deep breath and exhaled, she was right. As stubborn as I can be at times, I knew what she was saying was all true. If anything, I did owe it to myself. I just needed to find the strength to hold my ground, because I knew the second I was in front of him that I would crumble. That’s just what he does to me; in any other circumstance I welcomed it.

“Did you see the interview?” I was curious.

Everyone kept soliciting this advice but did they actually know what I was up against? I didn’t know how they could advise me on what I’m supposed to do when they didn’t hear the words I had. The words that haven’t left my mind in ten days.

Her voice grew softer, “I didn’t see it.”

I sighed as I shook my head, of course she hadn’t. If she had maybe her opinion would be different. Or, perhaps maybe it wouldn’t. I wasn’t sure, but at least I would feel like someone was trying to be on my side.

“Show it to me.” Her voice was kind but at the same time, demanding, “I want to see.”

I stood up and grabbed my laptop from the counter. I should’ve put my foot in my mouth; I did not want to relive the sea of emotions that came with watching this interview. Well, who knows, maybe it would give me the fuel I needed to speak up.

I walked back over to the table and sat beside Jillian. I opened up my computer and pulled up the internet browser, I took a deep breath before beginning my search to find the video. I was trying to mentally prepare myself to see it again, and then there it was.

“Is this it?” She looked at me and I nodded slowly, “Do you want me to watch it alone? I don’t want to upset you.”

“No, it’s okay.” I said it but I wasn’t sure I believed it.

“Whenever you’re ready.” She spoke softly.

I pressed play and instinctively shut my eyes. It was like if I couldn’t see him saying those words, maybe they wouldn’t hurt so badly; but there was no use, the moment I heard his voice I wanted to see his face. I missed that face.

“I’m not interested in having a relationship; I’m only interested in playing football. Chasing greatness, that’s what motivates me. I have my whole life to worry about the other stuff.”

There they were; the words that made me question JJ’s intentions, his motives, what his goal was when he pulled Noah and me into his world. It was one thing to be a mentor to Noah, but why me? That’s what I needed to know.

Jillian reached over and shut the lap top. I knew she sensed the tension that had developed from that comment. There was a moment of silence and I couldn’t help but to wonder if she was eating her words from earlier, if she was beginning to realize that maybe there was a little more to it. I wanted people to understand that I wasn’t just “over reacting”.

“Well…” She exhaled before she finished speaking, almost as if she was trying to find her words, “Seeing that, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I understand why you feel the way you’re feeling…”

Finally! That’s all I wanted to hear. It was good to feel like someone was actually on my side here. The relief I was beginning to feel quickly faded as she continued her thoughts, of course there was a but… there’s always a but.

“But I still think you need to talk to him about this. Tell him you saw this interview and you want to understand where he’s coming from or what he meant. For all we know, he filmed this before he met you or Noah. After all it is the media Em…”

Our conversation was quickly interrupted as the kids came running through the door. The serious tone that was in the room just moments ago was filled with laughter and chaos but I gladly welcomed it. I needed to divert my attention for a moment and this was the perfect distraction.

“You guys done playin’ outside? It’s gettin’ dark.” I smiled at them as they scattered around the kitchen.

“We’re hungry.” Kellan, my ten year old nephew, grabbed his stomach.

“Yeah, we’re hungry.” The little ones piped in.

“Okay, how about we order some pizza?” I pulled out my best excited mom voice as little “yay”s seemed to come from the kids.

Jillian and I laughed as I got up to grab a phone book. Tonight was a pizza night, that was for sure. I didn’t have the energy to cook much at the moment. Besides, what kid argues with pizza?

“Aunt Emma?” Kellan asked grabbing my attention, “Is JJ coming over? I wanted to ask him if he could come to my championship game. I’ve been practicing the stuff he showed me.”

My heart sank. Kellan, like Noah, was very passionate about football; actually, I think Kellan is who really inspired Noah to get into football. At just ten years old, Kellan was an extremely talented and impressive football player. He excelled both defensively and offensively, however defense was his favorite position to play. The last time we had all gotten together JJ had given him all kinds of tips to practice his tackles and Kellan cherished the advice; according to Jillian he practiced every single day.

Jillian looked at me, surprise on her face. I knew she felt bad about him bringing up JJ but I didn’t fault him nor did I fault her. How could I? I made the choice to keep what was going on away from the kids because of how much they had all really grown to admire him. If anything, perhaps it fueled me more to want to address JJ. I had to put my selfishness aside for a moment; I couldn’t let the kids be affected by this, that wouldn’t be right. Even if he didn’t want a relationship, he lived for being a mentor to kids and I knew it would mean a lot to him that Kellan wanted him at his football game.

“I’ll talk to him.” I forced a smile as I looked at Kellan, “If he’s free, I’m sure he would love to come watch you.”

“Why don’t I put a movie on for you guys while Aunt Em orders us some pizza; what do you think?” Jillian quickly changed the subject.

The kids all took off running towards the playroom shouting out their movie choices along the way. I was so thankful I had turned what was suggested to be a dining room, into another living room/playroom for Noah. It was the best of both worlds this way, the toys were all consolidated in one room and I wasn’t forced to watch the Ninja Turtles when I wanted to sit down and relax.

Besides, it was only Noah and me that lived here, our kitchen was large and spacious, we already had a kitchen table, the last thing I needed was a formal dining room. Honestly, I didn’t entertain enough to care much about having one and if I was entertaining, it was my own family, which seemed to be made up of mostly children these days anyway. The less breakables in the house, the better.

I was on the phone ordering the pizza as Jillian reentered the room. I couldn’t help but to laugh quietly as she poured me an extra large glass of wine, sometimes I swore we were the same person. We had about an eight year age gap between us but we really were like the best of friends. She has been with my brother for fifteen years; they started dating early in their college years. I felt more like she was a sister and not a sister in law. Either way, I was so grateful she was in my life.

“Twenty five minutes until the pizza is here.” I shared as I hung up the phone.

“Oh good, they’re watching The Lego Movie so that should keep them distracted for a little bit.” She took her seat back at the table and I joined her, “I am so sorry about Kellan, I had no idea he was going to ask you that. I just know he’s been practicing really hard and has been dying to show JJ.”

I smiled at her, “Jill, its okay. If anything it made me realize that even if there’s not a relationship between JJ and me, I know he would still want to support the kids. That’s just what he does, he loves that. I just have to try to push my selfish side away for a little bit.”

A smile seemed to spread across her face, “So, that means you’re going to talk to him?”

I laughed, could her excitement possibly be any more obvious, “Yes, I’m going to talk to him. Just about the kids.”

“Uh huh.” She smirked at me from behind her wine glass.

I knew what I had to do; I knew I had to prepare myself to handle the situation. I honestly hate confrontations, I hate to argue and I know that I’m really not any good at it. I was going to avoid talking about the interview at all costs for the time being, I was going to make my first efforts in talking to him about the kids. If I could at least stop their distress it would all be worth it.