A year and a half. That's how long it's been since I've had my daughter with me. That's how long I've actually lost Jack for. That's how long its been since I left LA and most its people in the past.

As per the sentence, I completed a year of full time community service volunteering at various charities and community events. Along with the service, I spent most of my time studying at The University of British Columbia: Okanagan and with Penelope.

"I love you," I kiss Penelope's forehead.

"I love you too mommy," she returns my kiss with one of her own on my cheek.

"Now, remember to be nice. If anyone harasses you, be the bigger person and walk away. If they still don't stop, just land one of those punches you showed me that daddy taught you. Okay?" I wink at her.

She giggles, "Okay mommy."

She kisses my cheek once again before heading off to her first year of grade school.

I wave at her as she disappears behind the classroom's door and walk back to the car to drive home.

I've missed six years, 2,190 days, 52,560 hours, 3,153,600 minute, and 189,216,000 seconds with my daughter. That's counting the three months I kept her when she was born. All I have from her infant years are the stories Zoe tells me or the pictures of all three of them together.

It depresses me thinking of how I missed her first word, which apparently was mom, her first step or the first drawing she ever made. Lucky for me Jack kept everything neatly tucked in a box, but it isn't the same as being there and witnessing it all happen first hand.

Nothing felt right when I first moved in with Penelope and Zoe. It still doesn't, I've just gotten used it. I promised myself that I'll be there for Penelope no matter what.

I pull up onto our driveway and head inside. I put the keys on the kitchen counter, grab a glass of orange juice and sit down on the dining table. Sighing heavily, I look at the pile of letters that still needed to be opened.

I put my glass down on the side as I go through the various bills. I have to pay my cell phone, electricity, water, home phone, internet, basic cable, mortgage, and credit card bills, all for just this month. I turn on my laptop, and one by one pay off the bills.

Money hasn't been an issue for us right now with Zoe helping out, and mine and Jack's savings, but just so we don't run out, I've started fighting three days a week here in Kelowna.

It feels weird showing up at home with a black eye. A six year old makes the craziest theories ever, but I just play along.

All the responsibilities I have were overwhelming at first, but with time things got a lot easier. Especially with the fact that I'm learning financing in business, I'm actually good with all the financing that needs to be done.

Once I'm done paying the bills, I close the laptop and head to the living room. It feels nice having the whole house to myself sometimes. At times like these, I get to be the old Riley again.

I turn on the radio, which plays The Feeling by Justin Bieber ft. Halsey. I take a seat and start thinking.

I wonder why my life turned out the way it did. I think, and I think, and I think, but I always end with the same thought. I wouldn't change anything, because at the end of the day, when I put Penelope to bed, I see myself in her. I want to give her the childhood I never got.

I'm scared that if things had turned out differently for me, then things could've turned out differently for her. Differently as in bad. I would never want her going through anything I've been through.

Penelope's worth my life and that's all I live for now. I just want her to be happy with me.

When I first came here, I had a billion questions swirling in my mind. How did Jack have Penelope? How did Jack survive dad's bullet?

On the first night here, I pelted Zoe, Jack's older sister, with all of my questions. I was mad, confused, sad, depressed; every feeling that I ever felt came rushing to me that night.

The smallest gesture of Zoe's was letting me cry on her shoulder. It was a small yet very meaningful gesture. I cried and sobbed for three hours. Three hours. I told her everything from the start and ended with the last second I spent in that courtroom where I left Heath behind.

Then, she explained everything to me.

My dad threw Jack's supposedly dead body in the community dumpster. Jack woke up a couple of hours later moaning in pain. Someone heard him and took him to the hospital. The person never called the police because the person didn't know if Jack would be comfortable getting the police involved. After Jack healed, he explained to the stranger that he got in between a gang fight and that it wouldn't happened again. The stranger was never seen again.

Jack wnted to come back to me, but he found out that I was pregnant with Penelope. Seeing how I was becoming a stronger person, he decided to stay out of my life by making me believe the fact that he was dead.

The cruelest part is that Jack dressed up as one of the doctor's during the C-section just to be with me. I remember one of the male nurses letting me hold his hand because I was shaking with fear. I had no idea it was him because he was wearing a surgical mask. I wish I did, I missed him so much that day only I would know.

I was in so much pain that evening, even Logan wasn't there to comfort me because he was stuck in traffic.

After a couple hours of labour and then surgery, Penelope was born on June twenty three, two thousand eleven. She was so small and innocent looking with her big eyes. All I could remember was Jack every time I looked at her.

I kept Penelope for three months before giving her up for adoption. I wanted to keep her forever at first, but I couldn't give her what she needed. I wasn't able to fight or get enough money for the both of us by just working a minimum wage job, so I had no other choice. Logan offered to help, but I couldn't live off of him for the rest of my life.

Since it was a closed adoption, I never knew who adopted her until now. Jack was the one. He found out that I was struggling, so he took his child's responsibility to himself while I was trying to pull my life together. He moved to Kelowna with Zoe not wanting to risk being seen by anyone in Vancouver.

Jack always kept tabs on my whereabouts ever since then.

Zoe took care of Penelope like she was her own. I'll always be grateful for that. Her relationship with my daughter sometimes makes me jealous, but Penelope has started opening up to me lately.

I haven't been to Vancouver since last year for Logan's wedding. Logan insisted for me to live in my hometown, but I just couldn't. He was disappointed, but respected my decision.

Ding. Dong.

The mail man came in earlier and left the letter in the mail box, so I wasn't expecting anyone. I walk to the front door and open the door.

Shock would be an understatement in my state right now.

His familiar figure stood so firmly in front of me I thought I was dreaming, but the intensity in his brown eyes tells me otherwise.

His smooth tanned skin reflects the rays of the sun and his jaw seems more defined than the last time I saw it. The time feels like an entirety. He's supporting his usual attire which consists of black jeans, a grey shirt, and his signature black leather jacket.

He looks bigger than usual, in both structure and age. He doesn't look old, but more... handsome; a man who worked his body past its limits.

"Hey Princess," he greets me. His smirk sends a known feeling through me.

"I see you still like staring," his smirk switches into a grin.

"What are you doing here?" I couldn't hold back the hate filled inside of me. My mind bursts with a billion questions while my heart throbs for his soft lips. The feeling of his lips is still too fresh in my mind even though it was almost two years ago.

"Can we talk?" he asks, almost in a begging manner.

"Heath I-"

"Just a couple of minutes, Riley and you'll never have to hear from me again. I promise, no letters and no showing up in person, I just need a couple of minutes."

His pupil widens hungrily waiting for the answer he wants to hear.

"Come in," I gesture as I open the door wider.

"Thank you," he says as he walks in.

"Take a seat. Um- do you want anything to drink or eat?"

"No, thanks I'm good."

"Okay, uh..." I pull another chair out from across Heath at the dining table and take a seat. "So?"

"Did you get my letters."

"I did, I just didn't open them."

"I guessed," Heath replies.

"How's everyone?"

"They're good, everyone's just off doing own thing now."

"Figures, how - mhm - how've you been?"

"Riley, what are we doing?"

"What do you mean?"

"I killed your first love."

My heart throbs at his words and I clench my jaw.

"Heath-"

"Riley, just please let me say what I have to. You never listened to me in that court room almost two years ago, just please listen to me today."

"Heath, I don't wanna listen to you. You did what you had to, I'm not gonna make you relive it."

"Yes I did what I had to do, but I also did it for myself. I was selfish. You begged me to shoot you, but I couldn't because I fucking love you."

"Heath stop."

"The first day I saw you was when I almost ran you over with my motorcycle. You knew I was coming, but you just stood there with your eyes closed welcoming death. I didn't run you over, but we argued and god knows how fucking angry I was. I was angry at you for not moving, but also because you were fucking beautiful. I saw you and in my mind, I knew I needed to know you. Even if you weren't my sister's roommate, I would've found a way to get to know you."

"Slowly, we started spending more time together and I found myself falling deeper for you each time. I knew Luke's story from the start and that's why I felt like I needed to protect you, he only got close to you to hurt me and I should've told you what I knew. I just couldn't find it in myself to do it, because of all the pain I knew you were already suffering through. I couldn't be the one to take away the little bit of happiness you got even if it was from him, and a part of me started to believe that he actually cared for you."

"That day I told you that I'm a player and that I never liked you, it hurt me a lot more than you know. It was all a lie. I had to say it because I watched you die, Riley. You weren't breathing and I couldn't hear you're heartbeat, you died right in front of me and I cried. I begged you to come back to me and that if you did, you'd never have to deal with me. You were in your death bed because of me and I decided that if god gave you another chance, I'd let you go. I had to keep my word, because I rather have you alive than risking your life with me again."

"The last year and a half, has been so fucking hard. I wrote to you every single day and I never got a single reply. I'm not mad, I understand why, but I can't live my whole life knowing that we ended things without even saying anything we wanted to."

"I killed your first love and your daughter's father and I'll never be able to forgive myself for that. I see the blood on my hands everyday Riley."

"I'm sorry that I couldn't do anything for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't treat you right as a friend or as a lover. I'm sorry that I ended up ruining everything good about you and I'm so sorry that you had to deal with consequences of a monster like me falling in love with you. I'm so fucking sorry Riley."

Tears rushing down my cheeks, I stand up.

"I think you should go, you know where the door is," I say before I start to walk away.

"Riley, please say something," Heath requests as he grabs my wrist stopping me.

I hear his chair skid back and I feel him stand behind me. I turn around as the heart in my chest beats against its cage.

"If I talk, it'll only add to your guilt."

"Just say it. I owe you that much."

As he says that, I lift my head up meeting his red eyes.

"I have lived the past year and a half trying to forget you and everything you did, but I couldn't and I can't. You were the worst and one of the best things that happened to me."

"After Jack, I never thought I would be able to love anyone, but you showed me that I could. I was ready to let go of the past and move onto the future with you, but if none of the things with Luke happened then I would've never realized that."

"I love you and that's a fact that no can deny. Nothing is holding me back from going back to you Heath. Absolutely nothing, but I look at my daughter and I think about everything that she's lost because of the decision that you were forced to make. And in the moment you couldn't think it through, but if you had just shot me, my daughter would've lost nothing. She never had her mom and it would've stayed like that. But now she has a memory of a dad who's never gonna come back, all because of you and I am stuck cleaning up the mess and I can't ask for help from anyone else. She is my responsibility and in a couple years from now when she's old enough to understand it, I'll tell her the truth and I can't do that if I choose you and her both. I'll have to lie to her because she will never forgive me for living with the man who killed her father."

"And it is as simple as it sounds, I refuse to lie to my daughter because the lies in my life have turned me cold and heartless. I won't let the same thing happen to her."

"I choose my daughter, Heath. Over myself and you, I choose my daughter and I'm not sorry. I'm gonna live with that decision and so will you because I'm living with your decisions as well."

"I love you and I've learnt so much from you and I will never forget you. You will be a memory on replay in my mind forever. The memories that will make me cry, laugh and smile. Our story came to an end years ago."

Still holding my hand, he pulls me in for a tight hug. His arms wrapped around me, his head rests on my mine.

"I called you princess because like every princess you know how to hide your pain under a nice outfit and a fake smile, I wanted to be the one to change that. I wanted to turn that smile into something real. I'm so sorry I couldn't do that for you," he apologizes as I pull out of the hug.

"Mommy!" I hear Penelope yell and small arms wrap around me from the back.

I stiffen and quickly wipe away my tears before I turn around. I find Zoe standing a few feet back looking at me and she words I'm sorry telling me she wouldn't have brought Penelope home if she knew Heath is here.

"Hey, baby. How was school?" I crouch down to level.

"It was good, is that dad?" her eyes widen with excitement. Before I can stop her she runs around me and runs to Heath, "Dad!"

Penelope backs away and watches Heath turn around as he clears his throat.

"Oh, you're not - I'm-"

"It's okay, sweetie. I'm an old friend of your moms," Heath informs her. I watch as he crouches down to her level. "My name's Heath, what's your name?"

"Penelope."

"That's beautiful name."

"Thank you," she replies. "Are you staying for dinner? Are you going to come to the park with us? Mom never brings her friends over."

"Penelope," I scold.

"Um, no not today, sweetie, but I brought something for you."

"For me?"

"Yup, but you have to make me promise first. You can only open it when you turn eighteen, okay?"

"But that's far away!" she complains.

"Trust me it'll be word the wait," he assures.

"Okay, I promise."

"Pinkie promise?" he extends his pinkie.

"Pinkie promise," she says wrapping her little one around his.

"Okay, here you go," he says as he pulls out an envelope from his jacket's pocket.

"Ooh, is there money in here?" her voice rises.

Heath lets out a small chuckle, "You'll just to wait until you're eighteen I guess."

"Okay, I'm gonna go put this room! Thank you!" she leans in kissing Heath's cheek before running off up to her room.

I watch Heath sitting there frozen for moment taking in her kiss. A few seconds pass before he realizes where he is and he gets up.

"Zoe, I'd like to-"

"Don't, what's done is done. I'm gonna head upstairs and see what she's doing," she says before heading upstairs.

Heath lowers his head in disappointment.

"She's a sweet girl, I hope she gets everything we couldn't."

"I'll make sure she does."

"So, I guess this is goodbye."

"Yeah, I guess so."

He starts to walk to the door and I walk behind him. As he opens the door, all our memories flash in my mind. The pranks, the kisses, the running, the hiding, the fighting, everything we ever did just comes rushing down in the form of tears down my cheeks.

"I'll read them one day."

Heath stops for a moment. His head turns to the side glancing at me from the corner.

"Don't, it'll only add to your guilt," he says just before stepping out and closing the door behind him.

I stand there staring at the closed wooden door. My body trembles with the amount of emotions stores into it. As I hear the roar of the motorcycle engine, I snap.

No, this can't be it. This can't be it.

In a split second, I run up to the door and open it sprinting outside onto the road. I watch as Heath turns the corner and I break. My legs weak, I drop onto the ground sobbing.

"Riley!" Zoe comes running outside.

"He left," I cry. "It's over, it's truly forever over."

"Riley, get up. It's okay."

"No! It's not fucking okay! We're both so hurt and broken and he didn't even ask for another chance. He just apologized and left."

"Because he knows that you would've given him another chance if you asked, Riley but you never would've forgiven yourself for it. You both made a decision to choose your daughters love for you, over your guys' love for each other. He chose what you needed over what you wanted and it hurts, I know it does, okay? But you have to live with that now. No second chances, no more letters. It's over."

"I-it's fucking over," I cry into Zoe's shoulder.

*********

Dear Penelope,

Happy eighteenth Birthday, P. You're finally eighteen and I know that the excitement of moving out, having your own apartment and living your own life is so overwhelming, but in all of that don't forget about your mom. I don't know if she told you everything or just bits and pieces, but I know for a fact that she'll tell you something so I won't bore you with the same things over again. I'm just gonna say that your mother has lost a lot in her life and in return, she got you. Everything she did or is going to do is for you, and she deserves the best type of love there is. Don't forget her focusing on yourself. Give her what I couldn't, make her happy. Treat her like the queen she is and find yourself a man that can respect you and her both. It's probably been years since I've talked to Riley, but know that my heart is always with her. I think of her everyday and from the day I gave you this letter, know that I gave my biggest responsibility over to you, and that's your mother. Hope you treated her right and that you'll continue to do that.

Sincerely,

Heath Levers