"Only after I tell you that I had no means of knowing Mr. Henry would do such a thing, less alone here, or tonight, I am..."

"Oh please! When you were last here you happily said he had asked for your hand so you knew, you knew what would come of it!"

"Yes but first we would have..."

I was to explain how Mr. Henry and I had never even courted each other, how unbelievably unorthodox this proposal had been but Mr. Howard would not have it and we would end up back at the start, I would have no choice but to say yes to Mr. Henry if I was to remain in good standing with society, his family and our friends.

"Enough! Enough," he stopped shouting, "like I said get out, I do not need your excuses," he took his arm from my reach when I tried to touch it and went to the other side of the room.

"No."

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Why the hell not?! Are you by any chance here to tell me you accept my earlier offer?"

"I..."

"Will you leave it all behind like I asked you to?"

"Mr. Howard..."

"It's a simple question; do you forsake all others and choose me Alice?"

"Stop asking me such a question at a time like this! Can you not see how lost and confused I am?"

"Oh really? I hadn't noticed, so when is the most appropriate time to ask you?" He did not want to look me in the eyes and I knew his walls when I saw them but this was no time to try to tear them down.

"Forgive me for not answering you sir."

"Ah forgiveness does not matter here! You will still be engaged to him! So go on then, go be with him! Go marry him and be his nice little wife! Go throw tea parties for empty conversationalists of society the way his mother does!" He shouted trying to abandon the room and I knew he had just about taken as much as he could endure between us.

"Mr. Howard!" I felt as if everything was about to break, even the walls seemed to know Mr. Howard and I were crumbling, the anticipation of what was sure to happen slowly knotted me up.

"What!"

"I do not know what to make of you; do not punish me for not being able to understand things as you do, do not punish me for not being able to forsake everything for you please sir."

"How can you not? I know you yet you have no idea who I am, you whom I thought to be made out of the same equal parts as I am. How wrong was I to believe you understood me!"

He bundled me up between his hands squeezing my arms as I watched him go red without the ability to wrap my arms around him and say what he needed to hear, that I believed in him this time around, that I trusted him when he used the word love, that I could be with him and forsake everything he wished me to.

"How can you blame me for keeping you at a distance after everything I have been through by your side?"

"I do! I blame you with every blame possible! So tell me why? Why do you refuse me! What is so injurious to my character?"

"Joseph's mother is alive! Lydia is alive and your son does not know it, yet the mother of your only son pays you visits in the middle of the night and kisses you like you are married and I heard you discarded her after you had gotten a hold of whatever virtue she had to offer you. And when you refuse to think of her as a possible suspect for what happened to me then I must assume she must be very important to you still."

"Who told you this?"

"Is it true?"

"Is it? You should be able to answer that without any interference."

"They say you are filling people with lies of being an innocent widower, and thus the way you have treated me does not indicate a discrepancy."

"So is this what you hold against me?"

"Yes do you not think it is too much to hide the fact you are married to pass off for a fake widower, while hiding a mother from a son, an obviously disturbed secret lover? It was clear why the very thought of committing was not an option for you, you never needed it because you have Lydia and also you because you could not marry again."

"Is this what you believe then?"

"I know that you were too good of a master and masters never are good unless they want to ruin a ladies' reputation so how could I not doubt you after your proposal to take me away from a perfectly legitimate engagement into a scandal with you?"

"Ah Alice! You are so!"

Mr. Howard backed away and started angrily taking down every linen used to cover his completed paintings.

"What is this?"

"Look closely you might find what is right under your nose for once."

"I thought you said you had not painted while in Bath."

"No I painted, more than ever before, but once I was finished I decided I wouldn't sell."

"Why not? Aren't people waiting for more?"

Sheet after sheet appeared the biggest collection of paintings I beheld and not only this amazed me but the fact every painting resembled me increased my bewilderment.

"At last I have heard your thoughts on me, you shall never be with me for you believe me to be a monster and maybe I was one or maybe I still am. But I will not accept your continuous distrust when I have been nothing but patient with you and your silly childishness."

"Stop it," the tears were making me all but sob while he grew in fury like a dragon.

"Your mother was insane for believing love was some kind of good left on earth by God, I knew love was nothing but foolishness and I went too far for you, crossed too many lines and I will not go any further!"

"I had to say yes!"

"I was wrong about you, you are not be trusted and you already told me everything I needed to hear, just close the door behind you when you leave," he said filled with self-righteousness.

"Mr. Howard come back!" I said crying but he was long gone and I sat on the sofa where for nights on end he slept on but I cried drying off my tears on his blanket, lamenting for I could not see past this, I could not see into who he was like he wished me to or at least I could not trust what I was seeing. Maybe I was after all the most unbelieving of Christians for if faith was the act of belief without seeing then I was not able to exercise when it came to him, when the stakes were this high only God was to be trusted which meant I had no choice but to leave him behind.

"If I only knew the truth, oh God, what is the truth?..."

"Child?" Mrs. Hall found me trying to compose myself on the way down from the Tower room, "Mr. Henry looks for you."

"What? How long has been looking for me?"

"Just now, have you been crying? Why? What is the matter?"

"No I... I am fine."

"Oh dear you are certainly not fine, and if Mr. Howard has anything to do with it you will not be fine for a while to come. Did I not warn you he was not to be trifled with?"

"Mr. Howard? Oh no it is nothing do to with him."

"Really so he just flew past me in a fit of anger that had nothing whatsoever to do with you?"

"He did?"

"I believe I am owed the real story of what in God's name is going on between you two and why were you up in the Tower room?"

"I was... curious to see something of the master's I mean Mr. Howard's paintings."

"And what do you think of them? Do they do you justice?" Mrs. Hall made a more direct point so that I would stop trying to find a way around the truth.

"So you know?"

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No part, character, names, plot, setting, conflict or resolution, point of view, theme or symbolism of this story may be replicated.

Copyright: All Rights Reserved to A. Sena Gomes.