《graveyard girl, a collection》stranger in my bed
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I surround myself with every girl that I could have ever been,
I knock them all down.
I cannot bear to look into their sad faces,
Each my own.
The faded roadmaps of their eyes –
Wherever there is, I do not think that it could ever be far enough away.
Where am I supposed to go to find myself now?
Where do I lie this head, this heart, when I grow too weary to carry the memory of them
And the empty spaces where they used to be?
These ghosts, the thin sliced ribbons,
The edge of a silk razor;
There are some things that only pain will let you remember,
And everything inside of me is made of them.
Each beat of my heart a swallow,
I never know which taste I am getting.
It all tastes the same now.
Sometimes I pretend that I am drowning in my bed.
Take the blankets and twist them tight around my face, press;
Laugh as my head swims away and find peace in the suffocating.
How nice it is, to grow numb in a body that was always made for feeling.
I have learned to swallow around the sweat,
The spilt dreams,
The things that only come out to play when I am alone in the dark.
Alone,
Even when a boy is lying next to me in the bed that is supposed to be my own.
I wonder how I became the stranger in this situation too.
I am covering all this silence with words that I cannot make matter,
That bounce back to me,
As if to remind me that I do not matter either.
They stick here on this skin.
I am this throat that does not know how to speak,
That hurts as it quietens,
A pain deep in my belly.
Quiet girl, sweet girl:
These things that haunt the hallows of my body.
How, if I could, I would flee this dark place in the middle of the night.
And where would I go then?
Who could I be?
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