I'm taking some liberties with locations in this chapter - Lake Tyrell is NOWHERE near the Hume Highway, but it's an amazing place so I'm moving it east a few hundred kilometres because I'm an author, and this is my universe ;)

Bailey passed me a bowl of cereal the next morning. "Eat."

"Yes, parental figure."

With cool eyes, Bailey studied me as I ate the bowl without argument. When I had finished, they said, "Why are you so cheery today?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" I said innocently, pouring the dregs of my long-life milk on the firepit ashes. "It's a new day, we're almost in Melbourne, I'm not a bucktoothed freak. Everything is pretty peachy."

Bailey's eyes narrowed. "Are you blushing?"

"I'm eating again. It puts colour in my cheeks." I busied myself packing up, hiding the grin I couldn't stifle.

Rueben emerged from his tent, and his eyes found me, he smiled widely. "Good morning."

"Hi."

He crossed the camp to my side and nodded at my bump. "How are you feeling?"

"Good." I leaned forward so he could see the receding lump.

"I checked on her a few hours ago," said Bailey as they pulled up the pegs on their tent.

"Oh, really?" said Rueben, a broad grin on his kind face. Our eyes connected with shared knowledge; it was only because Bailey had gone to pee before swinging by my tent that Rueben had been able to sneak out without anyone seeing him.

"I don't want to go," he'd whispered, kissing my nose.

With firm strokes, I rubbed the strong muscles of his back. "Then stay."

"I can't." He pressed his forehead to mine. "But I'll come back."

He'd slipped out of my tent flaps only seconds before Bailey had stuck their hand in and whacked my feet through my sleeping bag, asking sardonically if I was still alive. I'd murmured in the affirmative, then finally drifted off to sleep again, the taste of Rueben on my smiling lips.

In the morning light, Bailey stared suspiciously from Rueben to me and then back to Rueben. "You guys are being weird and smiley. Stop that."

"Uh, okay," said Rueben, his voice strangled and strange, his mouth in an even wider grin.

Bailey walked off and I murmured to Rueben as I picked up my sleeping bag. "You're so not subtle."

"I can't help it. I can't stop smiling."

"Me neither."

"Listen, I wanted to ask you about something-"

Emitting a squeal like a siren, Mischa raced past us, chasing Chookie who was chasing Bella.

"What?"

"I'll ask you later," he said. Nudging me with his shoulder, he followed the cacophony of the child/dog/chicken combo to run interference.

As we loaded the bikes, Nev wheeled up next to me. "Can I ride with you today?"

"Uh..." I glanced around for Bailey.

"Please, Karla?" She rubbed her sun-bronzed arms with her hands. I had to give it to Nev; she'd lost makeup, hair products and access to regular showers - and she still looked catwalk fresh. Her hair still fell in a silky wave cascading from her shoulders, and her tan was a perfect golden hue from the time we'd spent in the sun. In her teeny tiny sports shorts and a cropped tank, she looked like a catalogue model for a high-end sportswear company trying to capture the natural-look market. It would be annoying if it wasn't so impressive.

"Sure," I said, unable to think of a way to turn her down without appearing like a massive bitch. Which I genuinely wasn't trying to be; I just wanted to support Bailey.

"Thanks."

We pushed off, and I managed to shoot Bailey an apologetic look as Nev and I pedalled past. Bailey gave me the finger, but they rolled their eyes at the same time, which was practically giving their blessing.

As we turned onto the road, my load seemed lighter than I'd remembered. Maybe the food and supplies were dwindling, maybe I was getting stronger, or maybe I had more energy because I'd eaten carbs for the first time in a week, but it felt good to not struggle so hard for once.

"Headed for Lake Tyrell today," said Simon as we rode past him. He was pedalling slowly, like his tyres were flat or rolling through honey. "Should be about five hours. There's a good camping ground there, maybe even some cabins."

"Come on, old man, keep up," I said over my shoulder.

The road opened up in front of us, and Nev said quietly, "Simon was struggling yesterday too."

She would know. Simon had kept her company since Bailey refused to ride anywhere near her. "Maybe the grog is running out." I recalled my initial worries about Simon drying out on the road, and a flash of anxiety nuked my insides.

"Maybe." Nev pushed up a shallow hill in silence, speaking again as we crested over the top. "I hope he's alright, hey. I don't normally like hanging out with old white dudes, but as old white dudes go, he's pretty grouse."

"He's your work dad," I said. "Except we're not at work anymore, so I guess he's your road dad? Your faux dad?"

"My ride daddy?"

"Ew. I don't know why, but that sounds wrong."

Nev giggled.

We rode without speaking for a while, watching Mish and Rueben in front of us, father and daughter chatting happily. Something pinched in my heart, the way it always did when I was around kids, but it wasn't the piercing pain I normally experienced. It was something softer, like an aching muscle.

Eventually Nev broke the silence. "Thanks for riding with me today."

"That's okay."

"You know... You know I didn't mean to hurt Bailey, right?"

I sighed. "Yes, Nev. I'm just not sure it matters. You know how many people Bailey trusted that have ditched them. Now you're doing it too."

"But that's the thing! I'm not trying to ditch them! I want to invite them to stay with me and my fam."

"Hmm."

"Hmm what?"

There was so much I wanted to say, but it wasn't my place to. I worried that Bailey would be crushed in a family that only valued women, that they were moving too fast to start living together under her parents' roof. I worried mostly about losing my friend; if Bailey stayed on this side of the Tasman, it could be a very long time before I saw them again, and if things with Nev didn't work out, they'd be alone again.

Swallowing, I said, "Nev, that's really nice, it is."

Mollified by my response, Nev quickly shifted gears. "So, what's happening with you and Rueben?"

My already-flushed cheeks grew warmer. "What do you mean?"

"Uh, don't even try playing dumb. I'm not sleeping much at the moment, and you guys weren't exactly quiet last night."

I'd forgotten how close Nev's tent had been to mine; in Rueben's arms, I'd forgotten that there was a world at all outside my tent flaps. "We kissed. Did some other stuff."

"Oo, yay! Get some, Ms K!"

"Nev!" I shushed her, giggling. "We didn't have sex."

"Boo. Why not?"

"Well, we're taking things slow, for starters."

"Ugh. Literally, if you haven't learned after all of this that life is short, I can't even..."

"It's not just that. We didn't have condoms."

"So? Yewse would have such adorbs babies."

A twist low in my belly at the mention of babies, like an old scar that occasionally pulled without warning. Forcing myself to sound cheerful, I compensated by saying, "We did plenty of other things, though..."

The memory lit up my brain, so bright it was almost painful. The second our lips had met in the dark, it was as everything else was only a distant dream. The dirt of the road, the cuts on my face, the existential terror, it all fell away. This was real; the feel of Rueben's mouth against mine, his breath pouring into me, his hands framing my face. Nothing else mattered.

Ravenous for him, I pulled him down to my sleeping bag. He kissed below my ear, my neck, my collarbone, and I moaned, arching my back towards him. With no light to expose my flaws, I felt powerful, desirable. My curves were thick and full under his fingers, and he explored my skin with keen enthusiasm.

It was languid and lazy and lovely. Each removed item of clothing was a discovery. When I eventually brought him over the edge, when he muffled his groan into my shoulder and his body shuddered from my touch, I felt a surge of power that I could bring him undone. We spent the rest of the time drifting and dozing, sporadically emerging from sleep to kiss and touch again.

There was an intimacy to the evening that caused a bubbling fear in my stomach. Rueben was supposed to be a placeholder, a distraction on the road. He'd told me that he wasn't ever going to get serious with me because of Mischa, so I though we understood what we were. This was simply human comfort. Dean was the endgame, the man I'd loved since puberty.

But right now, Dean seemed very far away, and Rueben was here, and the connection I felt was beginning to seep its way into my heart like water sucked up into the stem of a cut rose. I shivered in the warm sun of the day and tried to focus on what Nev was saying.

"Lady, you've got it bad." Nev sighed dreamily. "At least one of us is getting some. Speaking of your sleeping bag buddy..."

Rueben had dropped back to ride beside us. "Hey, Nev? Do you mind riding ahead with Mischa today?"

"Sure!" With an obvious wink, she said, "Have fun, you two!" She stood on her pedals, tanned skin gleaming, and powered after Mischa.

"Hi again," Rueben said.

"Hello hello." A sudden memory struck me from last night, Rueben's lips circling my nipple, and I almost missed my footing on the pedals.

But he had grown serious. "So, I had something I wanted to check in with you about."

"If you're going to ask me if I'm okay about what happened, the answer is yes."

"Look, good – I'm glad, same for me, more than okay." He kept his eyes on the road ahead, seeming to compose his words carefully before saying, "I wanted to know if you enjoyed yourself."

"Uh, yes. You can't tell by this?" I pointed at my raw red cheeks and goofy smile.

"No, Karla – let me be direct: did you come last night?"

Now I did slip on the pedals, pitching forward on the handlebars. "Jesus! That's a question."

"Because you know that I did. And I think you want me to think you did. But I don't think you did."

I couldn't answer. My mouth, for once, had nothing to say.

My silence was an answer of itself. Rueben nodded. "Okay, do you want to tell me why?"

My head shook of its own accord, tight little wobbles.

"Did I do something wrong?"

"No!" My tongue finally leapt into action. "Not at all! I'm just..."

"Just what?"

God, if I thought I'd been blushing with Nev, that had nothing on my face now. My skin was so hot, it felt like it would slide off the bones of my skull. "I'm weird, okay? It takes ages for me to, you know... get there."

"How long is ages?"

"Like, ten, fifteen minutes," I whispered, humiliated. My flashback from the previous day was still pretty fresh, and like an anchor dragged through murky waters, it stirred up memories of being constantly told I was taking too long.

This is because we didn't have sex. I cursed myself for the rookie mistake. It was easier to fake it during intercourse – the guys I'd been with tended not to notice very much once they reached that point. I should have known that my pretending was out of practice.

I scrambled to explain. "Look, it's not a problem. I don't have to orgasm to enjoy myself. I loved being with you last night, truly. The intimacy is my favourite part, and giving the other person pleasure. I can't come just from intercourse either, you should probably know that up front too, and I know I'm weird, but please don't-"

"Karla." He stopped my rambling with a single word, and I dared a glance at him, grateful to see that he didn't look angry or weirded out. "Back up a second. First of all, there are extensive studies that show the average time for a woman to climax is about 13 minutes, so you're not weird."

"Wha... Really?" My jaw dropped. "It seems to happen way faster in porn."

"Porn isn't real life. Not a good basis for comparison."

"Well, I've never had sex with woman, so I don't have a lot to compare to." Confusion roared inside my mind. "The guy I used to be with, he told me all women get there super quick."

"Your ex could stand to do some research," Rueben said dryly. "Either that or every woman he's ever been with had to fake it due to his lack of skills..."

A laugh like a value releasing burst from my chest, then I sealed my lips over in guilt, instinctively rebuking myself for daring to laugh when I was the problem.

Wait. No, I'm not. I'm normal. Rueben says so. I'd spent years of my life berating myself for not being good enough in bed, the reprogramming was going to take a while.

Rueben was talking again. "As for not climaxing from intercourse alone, there are really comprehensive studies stretching back for years that show only about 25 percent of women can orgasm that way. You're actually in the majority there. And statistically about 15 percent of women have never had an orgasm – ever."

"Oh my god." I shook my head, distressed, trying to assimilate this new information. "But every movie, every book, they all make it seem like women get there every time."

"I have a working theory that's because most media, including porn, is written, produced and directed by men." He shrugged, abashed. "And look, I'm the first one to say that we men would love it if our penises alone were enough to produce earth shattering orgasms every time. Most guys genuinely want their partner to enjoy themselves, but they don't always have the energy to do the work, or they can't spare the time, or their desire for their own pleasure means they hurry things along."

"So... all men are bastards?"

"Not what I'm saying. It's hard for someone to imagine the experience of another person who's different to them. When you have a penis, you think that everyone else's genitals work the same way yours do. Society doesn't help, because somewhere along the way, everyone bought into the myth of the instant female orgasm, and when everything you see or hear backs up the narrative that you've built for yourself - that you're effortlessly good in bed and your partner gets off just by looking at you - it's hard to wake up from that fairy tale."

The tall trees on either side of the road seemed to shelter our conversation like benevolent guardians. I digested for a few moments and Rueben gave me space. Confusion began to morph into hurt; I felt like calling my ex and asking him, did you know you were lying to me? Were you trying to wound me or did you really believe your own hype? It had to be the latter, because we'd loved each other. I refused to believe that he would deliberately damage my self-worth like that.

It wasn't just him. I'd believed what he said because deep down, I didn't feel worth his time to pleasure. I was the fat girl who should have been grateful that anyone as attractive as him would even look my way, let alone get naked with me. My privilege was to give pleasure, not receive it.

Eventually I said, "I feel like you've just told me that the moon landing was a hoax perpetrated by lizard people ruled by Elvis."

"If you talk to a few honest women, they'll back me up on this one. I spent a lot of time with people in therapy at their most raw and truthful, and I've heard this same tune over and over again."

"At least I'm not the only one." At some stage, I'd stopped feeling so awkward, and a strange lightness overtook my body. I'm not weird. I'm normal. It was like having someone remove a giant black backpack off my shoulders I'd forgotten I was wearing.

Rueben cleared his throat. "So... I have a proposal. How about tonight, when I come to your sleeping bag, you give me a chance. I get at least 15 minutes of dedicated time on you, and if you don't get there, that's okay, no pressure, but for quarter of an hour, let me try."

The seat of my bicycle suddenly felt awfully warm, and a delicious shiver ran over my skin. "Okay," I said, my voice husky.

"Guys?" Bailey's voice cut in from behind us, and both Rueben and I started, turning to see Bailey racing up beside us. "I think something's wrong with Simon. We should take a break."

I braked and peered back, seeing Simon's figure tiny in the distance. "Good idea. It's lunch anyway."

Bailey yelled for Nev and Mischa to come back, and we set up lunch beside the road beneath the shade of a gum tree that had to be at least two hundred years old. The old tree watched us like a kindly grandfather, branches swaying with a secret message. I was here before you. I'll be here after you're gone. But here we are together for now.

We drank from our water bottles which were starting to run low, and ate an odd meal of jerky, warm lettuce and over-ripe tomatoes. Simon caught up as were we serving, and he waved away our concern. "I'm fine," he growled, sipping from his flask. "It's just noneya, that's all."

"Noneya?" asked Mischa quizzically.

"None ya business," he replied, sitting heavily.

Pitstop over, we packed up and moved on. Bailey had done the map check, saying, "Lake Tyrell is only a few more k's away, but we'll have to ride around the lake to get to the cabins. They'll have tank water there, and hopefully no one will greet us with a shotgun..."

We rode as a tight, slow cluster after lunch. No one wanted to leave Simon behind again, Rueben and I stayed as close as we could while being subtle, Bailey shadowed Nev, and Mischa amused herself by riding in circles around the group.

It was late afternoon by the time we passed the turn-off sign for Lake Tyrell. "I've never heard of this place before," I said.

"Prepare to say, 'ooo,'" said Simon knowingly.

"What? I don't say things like, 'ooo.'"

We turned the corner, and as I caught sight of the view, I immediately said, "Ooo!"

Simon, wisely saying nothing about his correct prediction, laughed in his gruff way. "Not bad," he said. "Not bad at all."

The road followed a high ridge over a large lake that sprawled in every direction and caught the light of the sun as it dipped lower on the horizon. As majestic as the vista was, one feature set it apart and made it otherworldly: the entire lake glowed in a soft, pastel pink. From the crumbly edges of its banks to the broad plain of its centre, it gently undulated in shades of bubble gum, rose and salmon.

"It's gorgeous!"

Nev cried out loud from behind us. "Omg, youse guys, this is horrible!"

"What? Why?"

"Because that's the most Instagrammable thing I've ever seen, and we don't have any working cameras!"

There was good-natured laughter as we pulled over to properly admire the view, and for once I agreed with Nev. It was a shame that we couldn't take a picture when the vista was so glorious and the people I held dearest were all with me, safe and happy.