Cale wasn't a complete fool. He could manage very basic pattern recognition and even while full of all sorts of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, most especially feelings for his current roommate, Cale had more or less figured out a method that might bring him home.

The trouble, as he would quite angrily like to express, is that he hated that method. It was the very definition of patronizing. Not to mention it was far easier said than done.

It wasn't so simple as wanting to go home. It wasn't even just the desire to have what he couldn't.

He didn't want to change. To believe that this was all achievable, from the very core of his being, to enter a new stage of his life and face all of the new and unique challenges that were sure to crush him beneath the enormity of their weight. To face all of the demons that his other self had defeated.

It wasn't that Cale liked living the way he had. It was just that his situation wasn't so simple as merely choosing to be better and then snapping his fingers. It wasn't even as simple as merely stopping all of his maladaptive behavior up until now.

Bridges that had been burnt needed to be rebuilt, brick by brick, broken pieces of broken hearts needed to be mended and cherished. So many mistakes needed to be amended for.

And aside from all of that hard work that would be trying even for a man at his best, Cale would need to fight an internal strife as well.

All of the horrible voices in his head that told him it was hopeless and he didn't belong. All of the urges to die and stop being a bother on the world. All of the swirling self hatred and self doubt, the trauma that he'd never fully dealt with and the fears that had gone unaddressed... he would need to face all of it and win.

He couldn't just decide to no longer feel sad or broken. If it was just that simple, he would have never fallen apart so thoroughly to begin with.

Cale needed to draw up all of his determination and strength and even then it might not be enough to win against those horrible feelings.

He didn't just need to want to change, he didn't just need to choose to change, he needed to be truly and sincerely willing to do so.

Willing to hear those horrible voices and to dismiss them as nothing more than insecurity. To ask himself why he felt insecure and solve the underlying problem that caused him to feel so wretched.

It wasn't an easy state of mind to attain. Especially when Cale was coming from the depths of despair that had brought him here.

That was just it.

It was such a stupid trigger and he hated that it made everything well and truly his fault.

He was the reason that everyone's lives had been so horribly disrupted. Again.

Despair had brought him here.

And when he could force his heart to feel hope, he felt just the flicker of a return.

"You wanted to talk?"

Cale looked up from where he'd been giving the floor a real stare-down that it wouldn't soon forget, scowling at the beautiful and foolish man who'd given him his heart and who he'd never see again if he succeeded.

"I think I know how to go home."

His voice was thick and miserable. He'd agonized for days and days as to whether to tell Alberu at all. Whether he ought to just disappear without a word and let the two who actually belonged together be happy while he fucked off to live in misery.

It took a lot for him to accept that thinking that way was only impeding his progress. As though the gods themselves had determined that he needed to fix all that was broken inside of him, Cale needed to face his fears head on if he was going to really change.

To really become a person worthy of loving Alberu. Of having his family. To have the worth to live.

It wasn't the healthiest mentality but it was a significant step up from I should just die to make everyone happy and he was doing his very best to reach a healthier state of mind.

"Oh." Alberu frowned, a complicated expression overtaking his face. Cale could recognize it for what it was. The horrible thoughts wanted to persuade him that Alberu was just happy to finally be rid of the menace who had nearly destroyed his life. Destroyed his relationship.

Cale tried his best to quell those thoughts.

Alberu loved him too, in a small way, and he'd cling to that. He'd cling to the knowledge that Alberu would miss him, even just a bit.

"Are you leaving then?" Alberu asked, his eyes still full of complicated emotions that stirred Cale's heart.

"As soon as I can." Cale confirmed, looking away from him as he ground his teeth.

It was harder than he imagined. Being in the moment with another person. Seeing their emotions for what they truly were and not what he feared them to be. It was hard to quell his own negativity.

But it also felt free.

Like he could breathe.

How many years had he spent smothering himself? Slowly but surely depriving himself of his ability to breathe?

"Is that all you wanted to say?" Alberu asked and Cale knew that he knew there was more. He was just asking to offer Cale an invitation to share.

He knew this was hard for him. He'd been through all this with Cale's other self. Seen the struggle of a broken mind and a broken heart put up even against recovery. In this time, Cale was his own worst enemy.

There were many 'enemies' over the years who had broken him down and depleted him into this state. The loss of his mother. His fathers accidental neglect. The vassal families placing all of their wretched pressures onto him and Basen. Every bastard over the years that had chosen to grind Cale's ego underfoot.

But now he was his own enemy. And if he lost then all the other enemies over the years will have truly won. He really would have been nothing.

Cale was a lot of things but he didn't lack for pride. It was a unique pride, wholly his own and without peer, and it was a pride that wouldn't tolerate the indignity of losing. Not when even the gods mocked his inability to win.

"...I wanted to thank you. For everything." Cale started. His voice was awkward and stilted. He was trying for sincerity. Not over the top anger or feigned annoyance. Just his own sincere feelings on display. It was hard. He'd always been putting on an act of some kind. It was a lot easier to act than it was to be himself.

Especially when he wasn't really sure who he was anymore.

"...I think the reason he found the strength to change was because he met you." Cale continued, hating how sincerity made him feel. Just in general. It was gross and itchy.

Alberu looked a bit embarrassed himself so that helped. At least he wasn't alone. "I think he could have done it without me. There's no one quite as stubborn as him."

Cale cracked a wry smile. "No. He's an idiot. He would have self-destructed a whole lot more."

Like me was unspoken but understood between them.

Cale sighed. "I just wanted to tell you. I don't know–it just felt like you should know that you're important and shit." He growled, this was hard and he hated it but he pressed on. "And I really appreciate all the shit you've done for me. Fuck–I hate this."

Alberu chuckled and held his hand, a gentle and grounding action that settled Cale's ruffled feathers. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me."

"I do, okay!" Cale sighed. "I have to do things right or some shit. And part of that is..." He ran a ragged hand through his hair and looked at Alberu.

Looked at the damn fool of a handsome bastard. The concerned knit of his brows and his gentle brown eyes and the curve of his face. All of the things he'd never get to see up close again should he succeed.

He really ought to have spent more time just indulging in Alberu's face. He was certainly a pleasant sight for the eyes. Or just enjoying Alberu's company in general. Wasted days spent being grumpy and angry in order to put a wall between them. In order to assert that he wasn't like his other self or that to win some foolish battle against his own heart that only resulted in heartbreak. It was a perfect microcosm of Cale's greatest flaws.

He hated defeat so he sabotaged himself. Sabotaged any happiness he might have felt. He could have spent the time with Alberu like a vacation. Indulging in the presence of a man who loved him and who he loved back.

Could have maybe stolen a kiss. Just to have one.

But he'd squandered the time and squandered his life and he didn't want to be a fool anymore.

If he failed, he failed. But he needed to live.

"I'm only going to say this once and I swear to fuck, if you laugh at me I will fucking smother you in your sleep." Cale threatened, gathering his nerves as he tried to face his demons.

He didn't want to leave with regrets and he was starting to think that perhaps he couldn't leave with regrets even if he wanted to.

Alberu nodded obediently and Cale hated the cute tilt of his head as he awaited whatever it was Cale was going to say.

"I don't hate you." He said harshly, biting his tongue as he sought for better words. Words to convey how he felt.

Words to convey that he intended to change. That despite his apprehensions and fears and his ongoing frustrations with this situation and that he was more or less being forced and just despite everything–

This was his choice. And he wouldn't succumb to the horrible feelings and thoughts inside of him.

Alberu squeezed his hand in support.

He let go.

"...I don't want to go home." The confession was horrible. "I want to steal his life and stay with you and I don't want–I don't want to go home."

What sort of monster was he to admit it? To the person who could be hurt the most by his words?

He suppressed the negative thoughts, pushing forward. "...I'm going to go home. I... I need to face things. Everything. I have shit I need to fix." He searched Alberu's face for the disgust he felt should surely be there.

Alberu leaned forward, resting his forehead gently against Cale's. "I'm sorry."

Two miserable words that conveyed everything. Cale's eyes misted with tears that he absolutely refused to cry and he nodded.

He needed to accept this as well. Not just Alberu's affection and love. But also Alberu's gentle rejections.

He needed to accept that the world wasn't what he wanted it to be and that he couldn't change it. He could only change how he behaved towards it.

Instead of responding in the extremes. Accept, grow, and move on.

"...I love you."

Three words dragged out of the deepest dredges of Cale's heart. Vulnerable and real and so painful to admit. When was the last time he'd said those words to anyone? Memory didn't even provide an incident. They were three words that at the present only belonged to the man in front of him.

The one he had to say goodbye to.

He opened his misty eyes to see Alberu's reaction, to hopefully hear him offer those tender words one last time in response.

He was met with an unfamiliar scene.

For the second time in his life, Cale closed his eyes in one place to open them in a completely different one.

"God fucking dammit–are you fucking kidding me–?!"

The gods really were mocking him.