It didn't stop hurting to be alive.

And that pain was certainly magnified by a certain amount by the headache that was Eric Wheelsman, bulldozing his way through a by this point entirely one sided conversation while Cale marveled over the fact that yes, this really was some sort of strange alternate reality because no illusionist, no matter how deranged, would go through the trouble of copying Eric's rather unique personality so accurately.

It would be an act of pure masochism.

"...you really don't change." Cale said dryly, not even expecting Eric to hear him.

To his surprise, Eric stopped his tirade, grinning nonchalantly at Cale with a shrug. "Seems a bit foolish to change perfection, yeah?"

Yep. This was exactly Eric.

Cale snorted and shook his head in disbelief.

Luckily the plans Alberu spoke of weren't all that difficult to accommodate. Drinks at a bar, even in a foreign world, was a familiar concept for Cale to grasp. He sternly turned down Alberu's offer to join them though. He wanted a moment away from... just everything Alberu represented.

The familiarity of Eric's eccentricities was helping to ground him too. Eric could carry on a conversation all on his own if you let him and Cale had every intention of letting him.

He could breathe outside of the suffocating atmosphere of the apartment, have a drink, and feel some relief that there was one thing in this world that he totally understood.

Even if that thing was Eric Wheelsman.

"What's up with you tonight anyway? You look... grumpy."

Cale scowled up at Eric.

He wondered what sort of expression his alter used with the man. What was their relationship that Cale chose to spend time with him?

Well. Cale could admit that there were days when he missed his friendship with Eric. The eccentric personality of his energetic ex-friend was... fun. He could admit that he missed the schemes they'd get up to together.

That was in the past now. Cale wasn't the sort who...

He sighed. What was the point in comparing what he would do to what his other self would do? Factually, his other self was leading a better and more productive life than him. The bastard probably had a better personality too.

While walking a mile in Cale's shoes, he was probably leading a respectable life without losing his temper or acting out on impulses. He was probably making responsible and intelligent decisions.

Cale had no way of knowing that at this very moment within the multiversal situation they found themselves in, the other Cale Henituse was currently committing arson.

"I've been feeling under the weather." Cale said to wave off Eric's concerns. "I'm actually taking time off of work too."

Eric frowned at him and the expression was foreign to Cale.

Eric looked worried about him.

"...is everything okay with Alberu? What's going on?" Eric reached out and touched Cale's forehead without his consent. "You haven't talked about him at all. Are you two fighting?"

Cale felt a strange curiosity twist within him, choosing his words carefully to elicit the correct response. "I don't talk about him that much." He said, grumbling in pho embarrassed discontent.

Eric scoffed openly and fixed him with a look. "It's hard to get you to talk about anything else! It's always 'Alberu learned a new recipe' this and 'he looks so cute when he' that." Eric rolled his eyes and the memories of soppy romantic toils that he'd have to listen to over the years. "You sound like you're bragging about him even when you complain about him! What was it last time? It's annoying how he always checks in on you after you fuck and worries too much? You actually complained that he's obsessive about aftercare?"

Cale felt like an interloper listening to this. He was also surprised about how much he'd apparently shared with Eric about his relationship.

He didn't understand the Cale Henituse of this world.

Eric sensed Cale's melancholy and toned down his criticism. "...but seriously, what's wrong? Are you guys okay?"

"...it's just a minor fight." Cale lied, knowing well enough that if he persisted with 'it's nothing' that would only make Eric pry further. "I... forgot some things and he's hurt about it and I don't really know how to make it right."

He wasn't planning to use this as an opportunity to air some of his legitimate concerns that had been bubbling beneath the surface. It felt good to say it to someone though, even if it was Eric of all people.

"Did you apologize?" Eric asked knowingly and Cale scowled.

"...it's not my fucking fault I forgot." He snapped, taking a vicious sip of his drink. "Maybe he shouldn't have so many fucking expectations of me! Maybe I need a fucking moment to breathe."

Eric nodded sympathetically, patting his arm. "Want me to beat him up for you? Or we could commit a felony tonight, just to force him to pick us up from jail."

Cale nearly spit out his drink and when he caught himself, he was laughing.

Somehow or another he imagined his Eric picking a fight with the fucking crown prince, explaining to all those present that it was the perfectly logical and rational thing to do given that he'd been smothering his bestfriend.

He missed this about Eric.

Mad manic energy wrapped up in a respectable package who was more than willing to fight for Cale.

Before even Eric had given up on him, his friend had fought a few of the people who spoke poorly of Cale. It was one of the reasons he'd made sure to cut Eric out of his life.

He didn't want Eric fighting a losing battle when he had every intention of being hated by everyone.

Eric smiled. "What crime should we commit? I vote arson, honestly. But that's only because I think we'd be good at it." He frowned in contemplation, a hand on his chin as he very seriously considered the prospects. "Maybe too good. We'll need to get caught if we want to force Alberu to pick us up at three AM."

"No." Cale cut in, voice light from laughter and feeling better than he had in a long time. "I don't want to cause him more grief."

Eric rolled his eyes. "You never do. I'm just saying, he's the one who proposed, he knows what he signed up for." Eric looked a bit contemplative as he continued. "Honestly, I think he's seen you worse than I ever have and he still said 'that's the one I want' so you could probably burn a few buildings down and he'd still be cool with it."

...that was news.

Cale was curious despite himself. Everything he'd learned about his other self thus far had led him to believe he was the 'well-adjusted' version. The one who had a relationship with his family, a friendship with Eric, and a loving fiance.

He used the same tactic as before, knowing it was effective on Eric. "I wasn't that bad."

Eric pinned him with another look. "Are you saying that seriously or are you just trying to get a rise out of me?" He frowned, looking down at his barely touched drink with a feeling of discontent apparent on his face. "...I was really worried about you. Back then. It was getting dangerous. I felt like the next time I heard news about you it would be that you were found stabbed to death in some alleyway covered in your own vomit."

He really could trust Eric's motormouth to tell him more than he asked for. Cale felt distinctly uncomfortable and vaguely attacked that the scene Eric described wasn't that far from Cale's normal reality.

"Then you met Alberu and shit, I'll say what I will about him but damn. He really stuck it out with you even when I didn't." There was guilt apparent on Eric's face and it tugged at Cale's heart.

"...I wouldn't have let you." Cale said, frowning down into his now unappetizing looking drink.

If his other self was anything like him, he would have pushed Eric away and forced his hand. Never offering Eric the option of staying with him or supporting him.

Eric scoffed. "It's not like you let Alberu either." He sighed. "...I do wish I'd been there for you. I'm sorry."

It hurt.

It hurt because he didn't know if his other self had heard this apology before.

It hurt because he didn't know how badly he wanted this. But not from this stranger.

From his own Eric.

From his own family.

Wanted them to stay at his side even when he pushed them away and used every manipulative tactic he knew to force them away. It was paradoxical to his intentions. His plans and his actions always necessitated that everyone leave him and give up on him.

But the hypocritical and soppy part of him had always wished that they stayed. Wished that they wanted to be there for him.

"...don't worry about it." Cale said gruffly, hiding his feelings in a drink and wondering if his Eric felt the same way.

If maybe if he was ever able to go home that he might be able to have a conversation like this with Eric. And maybe he could apologize for being a garbage friend and pushing him away.

"I won't, instead let's worry Alberu a bit." Eric said, cleanly changing the topic with a mischievous grin. "He'll forget all about that dumb old fight after just one arson, I swear."

"You're terrible." Cale said. He felt some of the tension leave him as he let Eric plot out the perfect arson that they were so totally not going to do but what if they did. It was also illuminating to hear all the strange and interesting ways to start a fire there were in this world.

Cale filed that information away for maybe later and enjoyed his night.

–

"How'd it go?"

Cale sat languidly in the passenger seat of Alberu's car as he was driven home. He ignored Eric's waving arms and secret arson codes as he contemplated how to answer.

"Apparently you're in a happy relationship." Cale said, feeling a bit spiteful towards his other self and deciding to embarrass him. "Eric thought there was something seriously wrong with 'our' relationship because I wasn't talking about you."

Alberu glanced at him, a strange expression on his face at the revealed information. "Oh."

"I told him we're fighting because I forgot some shit." Cale shrugged, deciding to pick at whatever was making Alberu look so awkward. "So apparently you're a good fuck?"

Alberu let out a choking sound.

Cale's standard method of poking at things was to provoke.

"...you talked about that with him?"

"He talked about all sorts of things with Eric. I don't think there's a secret between them."

Alberu frowned as he looked out onto the road.

"You're not that different from him, you know."

Cale flinched and glared at Alberu, resenting the comparison. "So fucking what? We're different. I'm not him and he's not me. We like different shit and different people. I don't know why that bastard wanted to be friends with fucking Eric Wheelsman the most obnoxious man alive and I sure as fuck don't understand why he's together with someone like you."

It was harsh and needlessly cruel. It was Cale's way of pushing people away. He glared at Alberu, daring him to fight back and deepen the chasm. Ready for it. Hoping for it.

"Okay." Alberu said simply and it was obnoxiously non combative.

"You're annoying and suffocating and if I could, I would have left the moment I met you. I hate living with you and I hate this situation. I can't understand what he even sees in you? Is the sex that impressive that he missed what an intolerable tit you are?"

Alberu was silent for a moment and Cale was ready with more insults to throw at him. Unlike with Eric, he didn't need to play nice, he could just...

Why had he played nice with Eric? Was he trying to preserve his other selves' perfect little life?

Why was he trying to hurt Alberu now then?

He couldn't understand his own motivations. He was lost in the void of his own impossible emotions and the painful frustration that this wasn't his life.

Alberu didn't respond initially.

But when he did, it hurt.

"I love you."

Three words personally designed to dig in beneath Cale's flesh and sear him where he couldn't treat the wound.

"The fuck–"

Alberu parked the car and Cale didn't have the presence of mind to check if they'd arrived. He wouldn't know even if he looked outside, he was still unfamiliar with the area surrounding the nice little apartment his other self shared with this infuriating man.

Alberu looked at him and his expression hurt too.

He wasn't angry. There was some hurt, some disappointment, and a bit of determination. But mostly there was the sincere affection that backed up his words.

"I love you, Cale Henituse." Cale flinched at the repetition, readying himself for another attack on Alberu. Anything. Just anything. "Even when you're being a trashy bastard."

The insult caught Cale off guard.

Alberu smiled at him disarmingly. "I'm sorry, Cale. Your rather crude attempts to push me away won't work. I've been living with him for the better part of a decade. I'm more than familiar with his favorite methods to push people away."

Cale felt shaky.

He understood with embarrassing certainty why he'd suddenly decided to attack Alberu unprovoked.

"...then why the fuck do you stay with him...?"

He wanted that. The relationship Eric had described. The person who wouldn't leave him even at his worst. The person who loved him despite his many and mounting faults.

And with mortifying accuracy, Alberu had understood.

It hurt.

"Because I love you."

"You love him." Cale corrected, feeling shaken to his core by the words he wanted to hear that weren't his.

"Yes." Alberu agreed and it hurt to hear. This wasn't his. "And I love you too."

"You don't know me!" Cale snapped and froze under the weight of Alberu's even gaze.

...didn't he?

Alberu had understood a miserable unspoken desire that he hadn't even understood initially.

He knew him and it was frustrating because Cale didn't know Alberu.

And he didn't understand why someone like him would dedicate so much of his time and affection to garbage like Cale. Sure, he was only pretending to be garbage, but once you've dedicated your every breath to the act, what was the difference between being trash and pretending to be trash? There wasn't a lot that Cale had noticed.

"Let's get to know each other then." Alberu held out a hand, reading Cale's anxieties yet again in a way that unnerved him to his core. "I'm Alberu Crossman. It's nice to meet you, Cale Henituse. Until we figure this out, we'll be living together. I hope we can get along."

Cale stared at his hand as though it might bite if he accepted it.

"...it's not nice to meet you." He said crossly in reply, eventually shaking Alberu's hand and frowning at him. "Does that mean we're going to fuck?"

Alberu sputtered and Cale felt some satisfaction in learning one thing about Alberu Crossman. He could be a bit squeamish about sex.

"...I don't think your other self would approve." Alberu said, coughing awkwardly as he looked away.

Cale liked that.

There was something about the subtle rejection that appealed to him. He was finally being treated like a different person than Alberu's fiance.

It didn't matter that they were ultimately the same person.

He wanted someone to see him and to acknowledge him.

Besides, his other self would probably look poorly upon infidelity given Cale's own views on it.

The real sticking point would be whether it counted as infidelity or not, all things considered. Cale would have to consider that for a while before he figured that out.

In the meantime he felt just a bit more comfortable at Alberu's side. It was enough just to know that he was his own self.