Brett Yang isn't good with verbal communication, so he pours out all his feelings with the medium he's good at. No, not music, but writing. Eddy Chen wasn't supposed to find out, but he accidentally stumbled upon it.

Brett's POV

Journal entry #1 (two years before the confession)

I don't actually know why I'm doing this, but I heard that it helps writing rather than bottling up all of it inside. Honestly, at first, I was denying everything. I mean, it's a bit illegal to fall in love with your best friend who has had a girlfriend for the past two years. He would hate me if he found out.

Well, hate is a strong word. I don't think he'll hate me, I just don't want him to be weird around me. I still can't admit it to other people, but I can admit it here.

I, Brett Yang, am hopelessly and utterly in love with my best friend, Eddy Chen, who only sees me as a brother. And holy shit, it hurts so bad.

I still remember that day I decided to get a journal that's refillable to write down everything I feel but can't say. At first, I thought it was too girly, but it did help me cope up with my emotions healthily. The pain of unrequited love when you're a teenager was the greatest pain of all.

Journal entry #27 (one year and six months before the confession)

It seems as though my heart wants to burst out of my chest every time he speaks my name. My mouth is dry as I struggle to speak when his arm comes around my shoulders. His lips curves to the perfect way for me to kiss him. I really do want to kiss him.

That's the problem, I can't.

His beauty is simply tempting, but I cannot use that to my advantage. Eddy Chen just broke up with his girlfriend of two years because he wasn't feeling it anymore. I'm afraid that he might feel that way about me. I mean, I am pretty sick of myself sometimes.

I'm afraid that I'm not good enough for Eddy Chen. I wonder when will I get over that fear.

This day was when the seventeen year-old Eddy Chen broke up with his girlfriend. My eighteen year-old self just saw bravery and courage in his eyes. He always claimed that I'm the braver one, but I'm really not. I'm brave when it comes to the things I love, but that's the problem, it's only when it comes to things.

Maybe I loved him, but not enough to risk it all.

Weirdly, I risked everything to get to music university, but can't seem to do that with him. Maybe, just maybe, even if I love music more than I love myself, I love Eddy more than everything. Even more than music.

Journal entry #113 (nine months before the confession)

Things haven't been easier. Eddy has been in many, many dates with countless beautiful people. I wish I was beautiful, too. Maybe then he would second look at my way. Who am I kidding, though? He would never love me even if I'm the most beautiful person in the world. He just sees me as a brother. It's okay, though. It's better than nothing, really.

Eddy was hesitant about music uni. I told him that he was meant for music. He's meant to be with me. If only I could tell him that. I'm not brave enough for Eddy. He deserves someone else. I'd be happy if he was.

Eddy was always worried because he knows that his mum is expecting him to be a doctor.

"Eddy." I said sternly.

"What?"

"If I could enter the conservatory, then so could you. Eddy, you were born for music. You're going to do great things. I know you'll risk everything to be with your first love. That's music, Eddy. You've come so far, so why stop now?"

You're my first love, Eddy Chen.

"You're right, Brett. Thank you." He said as he hugged me.

I just want you to be with me.

Journal entry #274 (a week before the confession)

He's always absent now. Almost as if he knew what I felt. I've been missing his cold fingers and warm exhales. I miss being near him. I miss him. My heart longs for him. I feel as though he carries my soul with him because it simply feels like knowing when you're going to die. The anticipation is making you feel the adrenaline rush through your veins. The fact that you can't change anything makes everything worse.

My lifeline is in his hands and he doesn't know he's killing me.

I sometimes imagine what it must've been like being with him. Holding him anytime of the day, kissing him every time he asks for it, basking in his warmth but the cold hands remain, whispers of affection in sleepless nights, reassuring him when he feels insecure, hearing practice pieces in the middle of the night, feeling his skin, loving the entirety of him. Just him in general.

I hate knowing that our love ends there.

Wherever Eddy might be, I hope he's happy. He's been out of reach lately. I hope for the best for him.

I know I'm not that, so I'm ready to let you go.

Journal entry #280 (the day after confession)

So, this is what it feels like. To be loved in return.

The rush of wind feels more soothing, the shower of the rain on my skin feels refreshing and missing him feels more like living, unlike before, when missing him feels like waiting for death to happen to you. Everything feels heightened, as though I'm on top of the world feeling everything all at once. I feel like I could fly and go back to him to carry him and make him fly with me. His kisses are the contrast of his hands. His hands are cold and rough. I don't mind it, though.

I can't believe he was the one who told me the exact words I've been waiting for years. I am alive and he fuels it even more. I never knew that I could be loved back by this amazing boy.

Eddy Chen, this is only the beginning and I hope I get to end it with you marrying me.

I still can't believe that you were the one who confessed, Eddy. I mean, that was a good surprise. I can't believe that you actually admitted it. I never thought you'd love me back.

I don't care if it isn't magical, but it was definitely realistic. It was in the practice room, you were frustrated and started crying. I went over to you, hugged you and reassured you that you're doing great. You whispered something under your breath that I didn't quite catch it.

"Eddy, can you repeat that? I didn't hear you properly."

"I said it's why I love you." He said, still crying on my left shoulder.

"Wait, what? You love me?" I asked as I lift his head up from my shoulder.

"Yes." You said, still avoiding my eyes.

"Eddy? I love you, too. You don't know how long I've been waiting for you to tell me that." I said as I kissed his lips.

Turns out, I'm still brave, as long as it's with him.

Journal entry #333 (a month after being officially boyfriends)

Me and Eddy had a fight. I don't know how it happened but I'm afraid of losing him. God, I'm so stupid. I can't believe I've allowed myself to let him walk out. I'm afraid that he won't ever come back, that he finally realized that there's someone out there that's better than me.

It's not that I forgot that it was our first month together, I had plans to take him to the hill near our house where we could stargaze.

I can't believe I already let him slip away that easily.

I called him for the hundredth time tonight. He isn't answering me. I mean, why should he?

I was disheartened by the time 11:45 pm arrived. I guess he'll never come back. I sat down on the couch and closed my eyes. I was ready to cry, but then I heard a knock on my door.

When I opened it up, I saw Eddy in my hoodie and his face was tear-stained. When he tackled me in a hug, that was when all the tears flowed down.

"You scared me. I thought I lost you. I'm sorry, my love." Brett said, not breaking apart from the hug.

"You can't lose me. I was scared I lost you. I'm sorry, too." Eddy said, sobbing louder on Brett's shoulder.

Brett pulled away from the the hug and grabbed Eddy's hands.

"Brett, where are we going?"

"Well, we still have ten minutes until the day is over. I'm saying we should still continue with our plans." I said as I locked the door, still holding his hand.

"Take me away, Brett Yang." Eddy said as he smiled.

That night was better than planned, except the fight, of course.

Journal entry #334 (a month and a day after being officially boyfriends)

The worst day of my life became the best day as we gazed at the stars, just minutes before the day has ended. I am proud to call this amazing man mine. Someone out there, if you can hear me, thank you for allowing me to love this man and having him love me back as well.

I held him close and never spoke of anything unless it was the words "I love you." and "Thank you."

Journal entry #1076 (three years of being together, at 3 in the morning, after dancing to salut d'amour)

I can never describe exactly how he makes me feel, but if I had to, I will tell you that he makes me breathe. He makes me forget the world but he also keeps me grounded back to reality. If there is heaven on earth, it's definitely Eddy in my arms.

Picture this:

An empty kitchen, the cello version of salut d'amour, a dark kitchen, the quiet, my lover in my arms, both of you are tipsy because of wine, and foreheads touching together. Imagine the whispered sentiments, the softness of his cheek, his hands are slowly warming up, the little smiles, the caressing of your thumb on my knuckles, your beauty shining through, my lips lightly touching the bridge of your nose and the scent of wine in our breaths.

The music stopped but we didn't. I do not sing but I sing a melody so we don't have to stop dancing. Your lips gently press against my forehead as I pull you closer to me, if it was possible because we're closer than ever. I can't ever let you go now, Eddy Chen.

You can break my heart, but you can mend it back, too.

I always kept this journal away from Eddy. It has everything I have ever felt about him and I want to hide it away.

Journal entry #1647 (three and a half years of being together, after making love)

The intimacy of it all always makes me feel different each time, but in a good way. It isn't a foreign concept for us, but I always savored the feeling. I really can't put to words how good he makes me feel.

From the feel of his skin that's silky and smooth, the softness of his lips, the touch of his hair, the curve of his neck, his prominent collarbones, his broad shoulders, his firm arms, his chest, his stomach, his sighs of pleasure, his moans of delight, I have never seen anyone this beautiful under my touch.

I don't want to taint his innocence, but he isn't. So, I go softly, show him the things words can't express. I hold him close until he asks me to let go.

Only because I know I'm not the one who's leaving.

Eddy will always be the center of my life. I hope that he knows that. I don't mind doing things over and over again, as long as he knows it's for him.

Journal entry #2589 (four years and three months together, the proposal)

I always knew that one way or another, we'd end up here.

You proposed a break up. I told you before, I don't mind. I wouldn't hold you back. I'd let you go since you asked. Even if it's the hardest thing I'd ever do.

You told me that you don't want me anymore. That you just woke up and suddenly, all your feelings for me we're gone. I kinda wish that there was just somebody else that you loved so it would hurt less.

I'm letting you go because you asked me to.

But that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that you didn't break me. I was afraid of this day to come but I've anticipated it. It hurts, Eddy. It hurts too fucking much but I won't show you.

I know it's painful for your end, too.

I understand. Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I do and I can't change that. I'm not fighting for you because I'm not tired. I'm not fighting for you because I know you deserve better. You belong to another.

Please, just make sure it really can't be us anymore. Think about it, please. I love you, Eddy Chen. Always have and always will.

You can come back to me a million times, and I would take you back every single time.

I always knew that it would happen. I knew he would fall out of love for me. Yet, that doesn't change the fact that I can't unlove him. It's like asking me to stop playing the violin, to quit music.

"Brett, I'm really sorry." You said as you faced me but avoided my eyes. You had tears streaming down your face.

I didn't cry because I don't want you to cry even harder. But, believe me when I tell you that this is the greatest pain of all.

"It's okay, Eddy. I understand." I lifted your head up and smiled at you genuinely.

Even if you're taller than me, I know that you feel small under my stare.

"Always be careful, alright?" I said as I wiped your tears away.

"I will." You said as you turned away from me and went to the door.

That's the most painful sight I've ever seen. I swear though, I still wish him happiness.

Journal entry #2607 (five days after the break up)

You're coming to get your things tomorrow. Everything happened so fast. I wish I was brave enough to fight for you.

That's the thing, though. You always thought I was braver than you. I'm not, Eddy.

I'm just brave when it comes to the things I love. So, when I can't fight for you, maybe I just don't love you enough. Or maybe I love you too much to allow you to stay. Whatever it is among the two, the only thing that's important is that I can't face you tomorrow.

I'm scared. I'm scared of the morning to come. I'm scared of seeing you. I'm scared of the possibility that I might beg you to stay. I'm scared of you leaving my life. I'm scared of everything.

But I know that wherever you might find yourself, you will be happy. I'll be happy knowing that that's the case.

And just like that, the morning comes quickly. Almost as if the universe heard my wishes and completely granted the opposite of them. I heard the doorbell ring. I quickly get to the door. My hand lingered a little bit too long on the doorknob than I intended. I sigh before opening the door.

I examine your face. You look tired but there's a certain glow on your face. I've seen that glow before and it's love.

I guess he did find someone better. Is it bad that I'm actually happy for him instead of being sad?

"You could just, um, go to the bedroom and collect your things. Do you want anything from the kitchen?" I asked, not wanting to see him grab his things.

It's a reminder that it's really over.

"No, but a glass of water would be fine." He said as he entered the bedroom.

I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water. I sighed as I set it down on the counter first. I'm shaking. I don't think I can do it, but I have to push through.

I can't show him I'm hurt because he will feel guilty.

I sat on the chair nearby and waited for Eddy to come out of the bedroom. I don't know why, but he's taking particularly long. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and started scrolling through social media, trying to use it as a distraction from the fact that Eddy was about to really leave in a while.

I really didn't notice the time, but it had been two and a half hours. To Brett's surprise, Eddy came out of the bedroom with a journal in his hands and tears streaming down his face.

"Brett?" Eddy asked as his voice cracked, but he gestured to the journal in his hand. He wiped his tears with the sleeves of his hoodie.

"Oh, that silly thing." I said as I tried to grab it from his hands, but Eddy refused to give it back to me.

"I'm sorry for reading it. I know it's private but Brett, how come you didn't tell me all of this?" He asked, the emotion in his voice I couldn't point out and I could feel his burning stare on me.

"I really don't know how to say it to you, so I wrote it all. I was actually planning on giving it to you on our fifth anniversary..." I said quietly as I avoided his gaze. "It's okay, though. You can keep it if you want, but I'm guessing you wouldn't want to read that terrible mess again."

"Brett, I, I don't know what to say... I feel like the biggest piece of shit in this planet." Eddy confessed.

"You don't have to say anything. I know that I was overreacting. I'm sorry, though... You had to go through all of that." I said, gesturing to the journal.

"Funny, I should be telling you that."

There was a long pause. I could feel the awkwardness in the air.

Be brave, Brett. You have to risk it this time.

"Eddy, I really don't mind. You can leave if you want. You don't have to feel sorry for me. I mean, yeah, it was painful at first, but I'll be fine. I just need to know that you're happy and I think you could say that you are. When you entered the door, I could see the glow in your face. The same glow I've seen over the years slowly fade. I mean, you've probably read it already, but you deserve better than me. I'm just glad that you loved me at some point." I said, still not looking at him, tears threatening to spill but I blinked them away.

"But, Brett, you can't just do that. You have to fight for what you love. You're the one that taught me that." Eddy said desperately.

Why can't you fight for me then, Eddy? Maybe you don't love me.

"I love you too much to let you stay with me. I was only brave enough to fight for music because I know it will reciprocate what I feel. I can't allow you to just settle with me."

I could feel Eddy getting closer to me. I closed my eyes as I feel the tears run down my face. Eddy hugged me and whispered in my ear.

"If you think that again, I'll make sure you remember that I'm brave enough to fight for you."