heres a little rant from a good little while ago (like 20 min) haha i was going to vent on reddit but thought of my little wattpad diary so i decided to document

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I KNOWWWW i know i have depression i know i have crippling fucking anxiety and very strong isolating behaviors and i've been crying all fucking weeeek like can i just stop already. like i was doing SO GOOD MAN but noooo i really signed myself up to go to college for what?? like literally why like why am i doing fucking anything at this point i dont know what im doing and im so sick and fucking tired of everyone saying no one knows what theyre doing bc yeah NO ONE FUCKING KNOWS but is that supposed to be reassuring?? its not! its so fucking repetative and finding what is supposed to feel like support because "everyone is clueless" is fucking bullshit we are all stuck in this stupid cycle of faking it til you make it and the world is just supposedto give back like everyone just trusts that the universe works in mysterious ways because thats just how it is like thats just how the stupid damn cookie crumbles man. like escapism only helps so much you can only avoid things so much. and ive realized this for YEARS now but i still cry. i still break down and i cannot manage my own fucking thoughts.

AND HOLY SHIT i do NOT want to hear another word about how im still young and i have my whole life ahead of me and that i shoud just take things slow because literally i do not see the point. literally why? like literally fucking whyyyyy???? we're all so damn tiny in the grand scheme of things so what does it matter. ok nothing fucking matters and again it is NOT REASSURING. i WISH that i could switch that around in my head and combat the anxiety i have over little things like calling the doctor bc im blind and actually and adult now and should at least be able to schedule my own appointments but i cant ok. i cant. it is so mentally draining. and its not like ive never gotten help. like i was a whole 15 year old begging to go to the hospital because i didnt want to kill myself and i needed some kind of help. i dont want want kids, i dont want to be in charge of raising a whole nother person and have them grow up shitty because i only know how to parent like my parents parented. i know im lucky to have lived the life i live and i try my best to be be as grateful as i can. i know i dont owe anyone or at least i shouldnt feel obligated to owe anyone so i try and work myself out of that mindset but its so hard to tell the difference between being positive and flat out lying to yourself. i guess i cant really know if that is a lie because that can't necessarily be determined by anything but the more you think about it the more that thought wiggles into your brain. my parents and my family are all on good terms now and its not like i was abused or heavily traumatized so why am i so sensitive to the topic. im genuinely just so sensitive because of the way my brain works. isn't that so fucking stupid. like UGH THATS SO DUMB, like i physically cannot get myself to do stuff because my brain tells my body that i dont feel like it.thats another thing like wtf is a conscious like im i by physical

anyway, i got tired of writing out all my thoughts. i think my crying has settled down a bit so that's a plus. i always forget where i left off when i come back to this, so i guess ill talk about how my life is going.

18 saturday 2021

4:45 am

im in college now. nothing special, just community college til i find out what im going to do with my life. im struggling a lot bc im reminded of my sophmore year before i went to the hospital. i want to be the best and i want to do everything perfectly but i don't have the work ethic to back up that perfectionism.

i currently have a barely written essay that is past due, i have a week to turn it in late and even though im up because i need to write it, ive closed the research and essay-related tabs that i had open. im cold and my eyes hurt from crying. speaking of crying ive been on the verge of tears all day for the past few days. definitely getting kinda depressive-episode-esque if you ask me. i completely bombed my first chem exam because i didn't study and im so embarassed but im coping by telling myself it was a learning opportunity and that i'll be able to recover grade-wise.

literally up until this week i was intermittent fasting, avoiding sugar as best as i could, and trying my best to work out at least every other day. im finally back to a stable 132 pounds again :) and i did it healthily so yay go me for that. im struggling to keep up with that right now though, like i worked out once this week and it was just a couple of banded squats, but yk i did something? i guess... i tried to work out again this morning, but i played cookie run instead. speaking of cookie run that game is a problem for me rn, its really taking priority over me working out? kinda disgusting imo hopefully i can get around to balancing it better later.

im supposed to drive up to see family at like 9 or 10, which is like 4 hours from now at this point. i cant remember if i napped much today, but i know i layed down and dozed off a bit earlier. ive been feeling very dissappointed in myself so i tried to write out positive affirmations this morning, which helped for a little bit, but then i started crying again :/ i still struggle with healthy coping skills that aren't delay and distract

back to positives in my life real quick before i get more personal. ive stopped biting my nails! i took a few pictures in august bc i had a little biting relapse, but they've only grown since then. my nail painting skills are kinda wack but its getting better :D im really happy to have long and pretty looking natural nails for once. sadly i have to admit i was motivated bc hanging out w (a) made me insecure about my hands, but fuck that im doing this for me now c: additionally, earlier i mentioned healthy coping, and i haven't felt very strong sh urges which is great!! admittedly i do want to sometimes, but i don't and that's what matters :)

ok back to kinda shittier things in my life rn lmaooo

lets start at the beginning of this whole a arc, for context haha

they had that surprise birthday thing for me, i didn't want it and was very bitter about it, but ig im grateful, still kinda bitter tbh, but there's not much i can do about it now so oh well. i fucking pissed my fuckin pants bc i passed out so exhausted that night, woke up and realized i absoluted murdered my phone lol, woke up again in a haze on the couch by the front door vaguely overhearing that we were going jetski-ing. mind you this was before i lost weight so i was super insecure bc i saw pictures of me from the day before looking so fat and i literally don't have a bathing suit that fits me let alone my overweight 155 lb self from then. i was so insecure and that last thing i wanted to do was be forced to socialize with family, ks, with no working phone, and not able to even drive the jet ski bc id have to take that long ass boat test. i refused. and then my mom goes and tries to tell me my grandma was coming. my lola, not tita lola, my lola, my sweet fragile 88 year old grandma. i was already feeling manipulated bc of how they just threw me at my little cousins to go watch boss baby and have lunch. like i really felt so sad that oh i was being treated for babysitting these kids i didn't even agree to babysit on my birthday of all days. i just wanted to sleep in and enjoy my own company bro, but no i had to be a host, ugh honestly what did i expect. but yeah i was getting guilt tripped into going to the beach and i was not having it. i was so fed up and just fucking pissed and i just broke down, screaming and yelling and throwing, just a mess. i was so mad. after being forced to be a host, missing out on my dad showing my ate and my cousin old pictures bc i had to sit there and be present with friends that arent even all my friends? like ugh that made me so sad. i wanted to see i wanted to learn more about my parents life in ph like come on. but no we're out here playing fucking mafia, i dont even like that game man, and the whole reason we played was bc that girl brings her cards everywhere, (well get into her later bc theres some upcoming story development lmao) like my actual best friend, my sister, isn't even out here playing with us bc they had that whole weekend stuck with each other like damn. ok whatever next plot point

a few days after my birthday a asked me to get food w him. i tried not to think much of it because our relationship hadnt been more than casual friends up til that point and i don't know i never thought that guy would ever see me like that. ends up i was wrong. he tried to hold my hand and i let him. her asked if it was ok to hold my thigh and i was ok with it. i understand now that that probably meant i dont have boundaries but yeah. from that point on i was skeptical about how i felt, i didn't know if i should've gone on talking to him like that, if i like him back or at least was interested in him back, and if it was even a good idea because if it didn't work out it would just make my friendship with that group rocky.

ugh that group, i dont know what to say about that now... idk if im mad or sad or enraged or just paranoid. im letting these little comments get to my head and its hard to tell if thats me overthinking or if there isnt just like some merit behind them. its making me feel sick thinking about it. all go into detail later, but now it's this characters moment in the plot.

anyways after that i still kept entertaining him, we went on like two and half dates, and talked everyday. i still don't know what's going on inbetween the two of us, its been a good 2 months, pretty short amount of time, but im very happy i learned to take things slow now. he would get drunk and tell me he missed me which i didn't fully understand, like were we not texting throughout the day? that last date we went on i kissed him, it was awkward lol. either he's confusing, or im just inexperienced, or both. im leaning towards both.

he would talk about plans or be like when are we hanging out, so i told him when im available, and not response back. im not a plan maker and that could be partially my fault. he also forgot about asking me out, which is gross i fucking hate that. you do not tell someone you miss them and that u think they are cute only when you're intoxicated only to forget a date. fuck that i hate that. ew.

its fun being friends with him, but the idea of dating him feels like im going to end up with a secretive? (not open yk) person again. also not too related but stop blasting lilac everywhere i introduced you to that and you arent even talking to me so stop that ur ruining things for me >:c

ok i cant think of other pressing opinions on that guy, so maybe its time to talk about that group and her.

but not now bc i need to rest and pack a bit :p

linebreak wait how do i do that on the website lol idk

ok im back, hehe

wednesday sept 22, 2021

8:30pm

hm actually i take it back maybe ill come back again later haha