Narrator's POV

"Dad spiders have no bones." Peter said popping his head out of a science book.

"Mhm." Tony said, cutting the crust off his peanut butter jelly sandwich. He sensed something as the room was suddenly quiet. He looked up, Peter was gone. "Peter?" He asked.

"I'm HuMaN sLiMe." Peter said as he bent himself backwards, hissing.

"PETER BEN-"

///0///0

"No, no. It was cool Dad. I webbed in there, and he was all like "KNIFE TO MEET YOU". He stabbed me, and I was like whoa! Nice one! And th-"

"You got stabbed?" Tony asked, peeking his head up from the part he was currently working on.

"Well yeah but like hE MADE A PUN DAD."

"Loki!" Stephen roared from another ion.

///0///0

"So if you're basically swinging around, and you fall, you can just use your webs to catch yourself right?" Ned asked, sitting slouched on the couch playing video games next to Peter.

"Yeah?" Peter answered unsure of where this was going.

"So that means you could potentially safely do a backflip off the Empire State Building."

Peter eyes lit up. "Ye-"

Tony bursted through the door. "ABSOLUTELY NOT."

///0///0

"It's been four years since my drug addicted mother sold me to one direction." Peter said, wearing pink stripped sunglasses with a blue scarf and a top hat.

"Omg. We're so proud of you." Ned said, doing a head stand against the wall.

Peter let his stare drop to the floor and raised a fist.

Tony watched the live feed from Peter's room in the kitchen. "What the goddamn f-"

///0///0

"I was thinking about going to the grocery store later today to buy some more milk." Stephen said in the kitchen as he and Tony were making lunch.

Peter was across from them, cutting an apple with a knife, or trying. The knife got stuck in the apple, so he tried slamming it with his hand; but the knife flew into the air and fell on Peter's foot.

Stephen and Tony look his direction suddenly.

"Friday, activate big off protocol." He said.

///0///0

"This is so romant-" Stephen was interrupted by Tony's phone.

Tony answered it. "What is it Peter?" He asked.

"Dad I need you to come immediately." Peter said, sounding distressed. Tony looked at Stephen, and they got up from their table, ending their date shortly.

"On our way."

They arrived five minutes later at the house, ready to take on anything that might be hurting their son. Peter ran to them.

"What's wrong?" Tony asked.

"There's a really big spider in the bathroom."

"YOU'RE ." Stephen said.

///0///0

Tony sat down in the living room with Peter and Ned playing "Never Have I Ever".

"Never have I ever... been grounded by my parents." Peter said.

"Every time. He makes an orphan jokes every time, and he always wins." Ned said.

Tony was horrified. "I-"

///0///0

"Fuck." Wade said as his pencil lead snapped. He was doing homework with Peter in the dinning room.

Tony gasped, giving Wade a death glare. He placed his hands over Peter's ears and took him to another room, staring at Wade the entire time.

"Fuck." Peter said as he struggled to solve the homework.

Tony gasped, he kept his eyes on Peter and pointed at Wade.

"He has corrupted our son Stephen." Tony said.

///0///0

"I got a gift from Iron Dad." Peter said, coming in through the door, with a nicely decorated and wrapped gift box.

Stephen looked up from his book. "What is it?"

"It seems heavy. Maybe it's his disappointment in me." He said.

Tony's voice came from across the room. "PETER NO-"

///0///0

"Dad, could you bring me my homework? I'm in the senior hall, don't worry it's empty." Peter said on the phone to Stephen.

"Sure." Stephen grabbed the homework that was sitting on the counter top and opened a portal. He stepped into it. "Hey Peter? I just brought all the paper work since you didn't specify which ones I should bring-" Stephen stopped as soon as he looked up. The entire hall was full of students. Fuck. That was all that was going on in his head. Next he was thinking of ways to ground Peter.

"Ha!" Peter said. He turned to all the students. "EVERYONE IN THIS ROOM OWES ME FIVE DOLLARS! I TOLD YOU MY DAD WAS A WIZ-"

///0///0

Peter and his family, plus Wade, were eating Chinese take out for dinner at the dinning table. Peter took his fortune cookie and opened it.

"If you kill a killer, the number of killers stays the same." He read aloud.

"Kill two." Wade said with a mouth full of take out, waving his chopstick about.

Stephen spat his water out, coughing. Tony looked at him, chewing his food slowly.

///0///0

"I hate country music." Peter said in the back seat, crossing his arms and staring out the window as Stephen played his ancient tunes, according to Peter, in the car.

Then suddenly a song that was very familiar to Peter played.

Country roads, take me home

To the place I belong

"WEST VIRGINA-"

///0///0

"I'm not getting into anymore debates with you." Tony said to Wade, going back to working on a gadget. Wade stood in front of him, in his lab. Stephen had decided it'd be a good idea for them to bond a little, or at least try.

"Earth is not a planet." Wade said.

Tony threw his hands in the air. "hOW THE FUCK IS THE EARTH NOT A PLANET?!"

///0///0

"I'm quite full, thank you dad." Peter said, refusing a third serving of Tony's lasagna.

"Was it something I said?" Tony asked, tearing up a little.

///0///0

"If I watered an apple tree with apple juice, would it be forced cannibalism?" Peter asked, aloud.

Tony looked him with the most confused look on his face.

///0///0

"It's okay Peter. I promise it won't hurt." Tony said, walking along Peter's side as he was being rushed to the ER. His appendix had ruptured.

"It'll be over fast Peter. It'll be okay, I promise." Stephen reassured Peter. He was looking very weak.

"D-Dad, do you know this really old song..." Peter said, weakly. Tony looked at him in confusion. "Another One Bites the Dust?" Peter asked smiling, almost laughing, as he went disappeared into the surgery room. Stephen and Tony were stopped at the doors.

Tony had the most disturbed look on his face. He was concerned, confused, and kind of done all at the same time.

///0///0

"If I punch myself and it hurts, am I strong or weak?" Asked Peter.

"An idiot is what you are." Tony answered.

///0///0

"Yeah, well my parents let me throw parties at my house whenever I want." Bragged another student to Peter's face.

Tony and Stephen approached, growing curious about what was going on.

"My parents...aRe dEaD." Peter said, laughing afterward.

"Nope." Tony and Stephen picked him up, basically dragging him, and took him away.

Peter was facing the kid that had tried to roast him as he was being dragged away and stuck his tongue out.

///0///0

"Peter, you gotta take the homework more serious." Ned said, sitting in the dinning room with Peter; doing homework.

There was the ice cream truck song in the distance.

Peter and Ned looked at each other. "ICE CREAM!" They jumped up. Peter jumped on Ned's back. They laughed and ran out the door.

Tony and Stephen watched them disappear out the door. Tony was crossing his arms, smiling. He shook his head. "Peter is something else." He said.

"He sure is." Stephen said, taking a sip of tea from the mug he was holding. He gave a satisfied sigh as he savored the tea. Then he jumped in realization. "PETER CAN'T HAVE DAIRY! PETER BENJAMIN PARKER!" He raced out the door.