I walk upstairs at six fifteen the next morning to see snow filling the whole driveway. Dad rests on the couch, staring blankly at the fireplace. His hands are in his lap and I see him twisting the wedding ring repeatedly around his ring finger.

His eyes flit down to his phone. He hits the home button and I see his shoulders slump when he sees there is no notifications.

I peek my head into the garage since the stairs to the basement are right by the garage door.

Lucia isn't here.

I inch back to the living room and drop my backpack on the couch opposite my Dad. His eyes snap onto my face and he clears his throat.

"School was cancelled." He whispers.

He has a slight 5 o'clock shadow on his face and very defined bags under his eyes. There's a fuzzy gray blanket on his legs. His feet rest in front of him on the coffee table, his ankles crossed. He's not wearing a shirt, just the same pair of sweatpants he was in last night. A mug of coffee rests on the coffee table. It's full, and I squint into the kitchen to see the red light on the pot shows it's not on.

"How long have you been sitting here?" I whisper. He was in that spot when I went to bed.

He looks at me.

"All night."

I have never heard Daddy yell at Mama like that. She's always his weakness. She can get him to do whatever she wants whenever she wants it, but he's the same with her. When one of them does something they long like, they just talk each other out of it. Daddy will reprimand Mama, or Mama will reprimand Daddy. There's maybe an occasion once a year or less where they snap at each other over something stupid, but the moment the words leave their mouths, they're kissing and apologizing.

Except for last night. The shouting was so clear, we could hear every single word that left Daddy's mouth. Mama came storming out, and I thought she would look pissed.

But she didn't. No, she looked heartbroken and terrified.

She isn't supposed to be driving, especially not Lucia. Daddy knows that and he was adamant about not letting her drive.

So when I saw him hand her the keys, my heart dropped to the pit of my stomach. It was like he wanted her to leave.

After Daddy thought I went to bed, I sat up and texted Noemie about them until two in the morning. She stayed up in the room with Caroline and Noah. Lucy wouldn't go to sleep. She eventually passed out on Noemie's floor at midnight, and I snuck up there and carried her to bed.

Me, Noemie, Caroline, and Noah just have one question.

"Did you hurt Mama last night?"

Daddy's eyes snap onto me and he swallows.

"I would never lay anything but a gently hand on her, Raylen."

I hear footsteps behind me and Noemie walks in, all dressed for school. Her eyes are red like she's been crying, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why.

"School was cancelled." Daddy says.

His eyes snap onto the fireplace again.

I unlock my phone and go to notes, quickly typing.

He didn't hurt her

I show it to Noemie and she reads it. I see her nod once. The sun isn't up yet so the house is still dark. The only lights are coming from the flickering of the fireplace and the spotlights in the kitchen, which are at a low setting.

Daddy looks at the two of us.

"You guys should go back to bed." He whispers.

"I'm not tired." I say quietly.

Truth is, I'm exhausted.

But what if Mama comes home? I don't want to miss anything.

I grab my backpack and go back to the basement. I hear Noemie following me to my bedroom. I flick on the light as I throw my backpack in the corner, shoving my shoes off. Noemie stands behind me, tears sliding down her cheeks.

"Raylen?" She sniffles. I look at her. "Are Mama and Daddy going to get divorced?" Her voice breaks and she looks down, tears falling down her cheeks.

"No Nemi, there's no way." I pull my sister into a hug. She sobs silently into my shoulder. "Mama will come home and they will make up."

"How do you know that?"

I want to lie to her and tell her it's happened before, but I don't remember it ever happening.

"I don't." I admit softly. "But they have to, because is Mama and Daddy."

"You can't tell Mason I'm here." I say softly to my cousin. She gives me a sad smile and reaches out to wipe a tear off my cheek.

"I won't." She says. "I'll smuggle food down to you. Pretend you're a hostage."

I laugh sadly at Annalise, and then my smile vanishes just as fast.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks softly. I shake my head and then I nod.

"Do you remember when we got into that fight forever ago? The really bad one, when he was breaking things in the basement?"

"Yes." She whispers.

"It was almost that bad, but he didn't break anything."

"What happened?" She asks.

I look down.

"I took Raylen driving because I was tired of being in the house. I took him on the interstate and it was too much. I took it too far. We got into a four car pileup."

"What?" She asks, shocked. "Are you guys okay?"

"We're fine, I had all five kids in the car, but Nathan was at work. The Cadillac is totaled but Nathan thought I was driving. When he found out it was Raylen, he went silent. It took him a while to say something when we got home, but when he did, he didn't talk, he was screaming. He called me careless and reckless and selfish and a brat, said he was ashamed to be married to me."

"That's not fair, but you were an idiot for putting your kids in the car like that. You are selfish, and I know you won't admit it Odette, but you are still afraid you will end up alone. That's why you're selfish. You life your life and you don't want things to change. Maybe you should go talk to somebody."

"I know...but I called him a fucking dick so..." I trail off. "He was right. I was restless from being in the house and I was angry I couldn't drive. A made a selfish decision and endangered my life and all five kids. He had every right to be pissed. I will always be scared to be alone."

"Annalise?" Mason calls. "Have you heard from Odeletta? Nathan's looking for her!"

Anna looks at me.

"No!" She calls back.

"Do not lie for me." I whisper.

She sighs.

"Stay as long as you want."

I wish I could avoid this forever, but I know that is not an option.

The sun came up and Daddy still didn't move. I watched the snow pile up on the window and in the yard. Noah and I went out to shovel the driveway and salt in so it wouldn't be so bad at the end, and then we went back in the house. I tried and failed at making pancakes for my younger siblings. I set off the fire alarm and that's when Dad got up and cooked.

He made more coffee and he starts to pour a cup but misses and sloshed boiling hot coffee all down his chest.

He doesn't run or flinch or anything.

In fact, his facial expression doesn't change.

He looks dull and exhausted, unfazed about the hot coffee.

He finishes making his cup and wets a rag, wiping it down his chest and abs.

His skin is red and looks blistered. He looks down at it and shrugs.

He doesn't even care.

"Have you called Mama?" Noah asks.

"Yes." Daddy says.

"Did she answer?"

"No." He responds.

"Oh."

I decide to text her.

Me: Mama are you okay?!?!

No response.

"Did you ask around?" Noemie asks. "Even Gigi?"

"I asked Gwen." Daddy nods. "And she said she hasn't heard from her. I asked everyone."

"Did you check the bank and see if she spent any money?" I ask.

"Yes. She has not spent anything."

"Either Mama is stranded in the snow storm or somebody is lying." Noah says matter-of-factly.

Dad just snorts and looks down at his chest, which has a lot of tiny blisters on it. It looks painful.

He grabs a dry pancake from the stack on the table and walks to the living room.

He sits right back down at his spot on the couch.

_____

It feels like the hours are passing in slow motion. I see a snow plow come through around six and did the street.

The storm is supposed to get really bad tonight. I went out with Noah again and cleared up the driveway in case Mama decides to come home.

I hope she does.

I make a terrible dish of spaghetti for dinner, handing Daddy a bowl of it. He thanks me quietly.

I eat with my siblings and they all help me clean. Daddy gets up to help too. His chest looks really red and blistered and I know Mama would know what to do with him. He changed his sweatpants when we got coffee on them and now he's wearing black ones.

"Mama didn't take her helmet." Caroline says quietly, a frown on her face.

Daddy's eyes snap onto Caroline and his eyebrows crease in worry.

He lets out a small sigh and shakes his head, his jaw clenching.

He remains silent though, and then he turns to Lucy.

"Go wash your face and hands."

She doesn't respond, she just disappears from the kitchen.

When the kitchen is clean again and the tables are wiped, Daddy goes right back to his spot in the living room.

All five of us sit around with him. Lucy colors and the four of us just sit there and watch the heavy snowfall outside.

The sun is starting to slip behind the trees and it's all gray out from the snowstorm. Daddy looks at his phone.

"School is cancelled until Monday." He mutters. His hand brushes against his chest and he winces.

Caroline sits up suddenly, her eyes wide and full of hope.

"What?" Noah asks her.

But then I hear it,

The purr of an engine. That's a sound I've been hearing since I was a newborn.

It means Mama's home.

Daddy's eyes snap away from the fireplace as the sound grows closer until it sounds like it's right outside.

Before any of us get the chance to stand up, the engine is silenced and I hear the garage door closing. Daddy rises slowly, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants.

Mama walks in wearing the same black jeans and white long sleeve shirt she was yesterday. She looks like she hasn't slept at all. She must have shed her shoes and leather jacket in the mudroom. Her hands are empty. She looks up at Daddy and the air falls silent.

They keep their eyes locked for a long time, and then I see Mama's eyes widen slightly.

"What happened to your chest?" She whispers, pointing. She stays by the kitchen counter.

He shrugs his right shoulder and whispers, "I spilt fresh coffee. It's not that bad."

Mama bites her lip, studying him, and then she nods and walks off. I hear their bedroom door close, and the house falls into silence.

Daddy rakes his fingers through his hair and he looks nervous.

Nervous from Mama?

A while later, Mama comes back, her brown hair is wet from the shower. She's wearing white fuzzy pajamas pants with mickey on them, along with one of Daddy's shirts. She walks into the kitchen and I see her get a bowl of cold water. She walks into the laundry room/mudroom and comes back with the bowl and a washcloth.

She sits down on the coffee table in front of Daddy.

I can feel all sets of eyes on us as I drench the washcloth in the cool water and ring it out, pressing it against Nathan's chest. He sucks in a breath, his eyes searching mine desperately.

He was right. He was completely right, and I know that. That's why didn't fight back with him.

I knew that I was selfish. I don't tell well to being forced not to do things I love. I've felt like shit all night. I could have gotten all of my kids killed.

"How about you guys go upstairs or in the basement to watch a movie?" I ask the kids. I don't turn around. I hear all of them get up and walk past us to the basement, leaving Nathan and I alone.

I feel the towel and it's already warm from the heat of the burn. I soak it again and place it back on his stomach.

"Odeletta," he begins.

"I was at Mason's." I whisper. "He didn't know you were there. Anna smuggled me int the basement and hid me there. I left before the snow could get worse." I glance at him through my lashes. "You were right. I'm selfish. I always have been and I probably always will be. Annalise thinks it's because I'm still afraid of having everything ripped away from me. Let's face it Nathan, she's right. We have been through so much. Life can change so fast. I was so stupid for putting the kids in the car like that. They could have died and so could I. I'm sorry for calling you a fucking dick and for being an idiot. I'm sorry, okay? I knew what I did before you started shouting at me last night."

His eyes study mine for a long time, and he opens his mouth to respond but I put my hand up.

"But when Gwen took me driving for the first time, she took me on the interstate. I didn't and still don't see anything wrong with that. The kids shouldn't have been in the car, yes, but I was taken on the interstate in a car that didn't have airbags when I was Raylen's age. The only reason that accident happened was because the car in front of us didn't have any break likes. Had the car had break lights, we would not have gotten in that accident. I would never move the car without all of them having their seatbelts on and I made sure they all did before we left. I made Raylen drive because I was tired of being cooped up in the house, and yes, that was selfish, but I don't see anything wrong with having him drive on the interstate. It's better to be thrown in head first. That's how you learn. I'm sorry, Nathan, truly, I am, not I don't appreciate you calling me an idiot and a brat, saying I never give a shit and that it's all about me. I don't appreciate you using something from two months ago that was already resolved against me. And I don't appreciate you saying you are ashamed to be my husband. If you are so ashamed, you should file for divorce."

I hear a gasp in the hall by the stairs and I know the kids are probably huddled there, listening. I know Nathan knows too, but it's better to let them listen than to let them go to the basement and conquer up some big horrible idea that will scare them.

Nathan is quiet for a long time.

"Gwen took you on the interstate the first time you drove? The very first time?"

"Yes." I say.

"You're right. I was a dick to you. I didn't mean any of those things I said, amour. I'm sorry for the way I treated you. But my parents left me drive in a parking lot before I even got to go out on the road. I guess everyone teaches differently. I shouldn't have used the incident at the hospital against you, I shouldn't have called you an idiot and a brat and that you don't give a shit. I know that's not true. You prove to me and the kids every day how much you care about us."

I'm quiet, waiting for him to address the most heartbreaking part.

"I'm not ashamed to be your husband." He whispers finally. "I love being your husband. I was just terrified because I got a call from Noemie sobbing saying something about a car accident and four cars and the airbag and then her phone died and I was so scared, and then when I found out that Raylen was driving...I didn't know you learned to drive on the interstate before you learned how to stop at a red light."

I rest my hands on my knees.

"Would it have made a difference?" I ask.

He's quiet for a long time, and then he looks up at me

"No." He says finally. His eyes harden a little. "I meant it when I said you were reckless."

I let out an annoyed groan.

"Seriously Nathan?" My hand slaps loudly against my thigh.

"Yes." He says. "You threw all five kids in the car like that and made Raylen drive. That was reckless. You snuck out of the hospital with an IV and if you didn't realize about your IV ten minutes later, you would have died. That was reckless. You got on a motorcycle during the beginning of a snow storm with a fucked up arm and a recently healed leg because you were too pissed off to be in the same building as me. That was reckless."

I stand up.

"Will you stop bringing up the time in the hospital?" I snap. "And for gods sake Nathan, what if I told you I was ashamed to be your wife? What if I told you that I couldn't look at you because your face pisses me off, what if-"

He stands up and cuts me off. "What if I broke out of the hospital because I was tired of sitting? God dammit, Odeletta! You never think about the consequences of your actions! You don't think about the situation before you act! If I pulled any of the stunts you have lately, you would be pissed at me too! You're honestly telling me that you wouldn't be mad if I threw all five kids in the car and gotten into an accident while our son was driving?"

"No, actually, I wouldn't be mad. I would be focused on making sure my family is okay!"

"Okay, and if I got out of the hospital from when I got shot and jumped on a motorcycle two weeks later? You wouldn't be mad? Without a helmet? During a snowstorm?"

I grit my teeth, glaring at him.

"Or what if I broke out of the hospital when I got shot? When I was still on oxygen and I had trouble breathing without the machine? Just because I didn't feel like being there? What if I made our kid help me do it, too? I bet you both times you made Raylen be your partner in crime, he tried to tell you it was wrong, didn't he?"

When I don't answer, he just nods.

"My point exactly. Our seventeen year old knows better than you do." He pauses. "Actually, scratch that." He shakes his head. "You know damn well what you do is wrong, but you don't care. I know I said some fucked up things last night to you Odeletta, and I love you so much that it physically hurts, but you are careless and reckless and you never think about the consequences of your actions, and dammit, you didn't call me back! I haven't been able to get ahold of anyone! I didn't know where the hell you were! We have five kids! You can't just vanish!"

"My phone is in the truck." I snap. "I told you I was at-"

"You told me where you were almost twenty four hours after you went storming out of the house without a helmet, injured. I've been sitting around waiting for the call from the hospital to tell me to come I.D. your body!" He's shouting now. "You scared the shit out of me! And then you come back here and you're ready for a fight!"

"I wasn't ready for a fight! You were the moment you started going at me again!" I yell at him.

"I'm not going at you!" He says. "I'm trying to get you to understand that you aren't thinking! I'm worried about you! You weren't like this a few months ago, so what changed?"

His voice is softer now and I can see genuine concern in his eyes. I sink down onto the coffee table and bury my head in my hands. I feel in sit in front of me on the couch.

"What is going on in that head of yours?" He whispers. "You can talk to me, Odeletta. You know that."

"I know." I sigh slowly. I rest my elbows on my knees and rest my chin on my clasped hands, peering at him. He waits patiently, and then I sigh, picking at a loose string on my hairtie on my left wrist.