I always hated the smell of hospitals. Nothing good comes from hospitals unless you're giving birth. Even if you are, it's still painful.

It's always painful.

I hated the sterile smell, the rush of footsteps as nurses and doctors ran to the aide of flatlining patients, the tears, the beeping of machines. I hated it ever since I was shot, spending three months in a hospital bed while my baby girl was learning to crawl with my healthy wife and son.

You can't go to the hospital unless you're in pain. Stitches? Pain. Surgery? Pain. Shot? Pain. Waiting to find out if your wife is dead or not? Pain.

So much pain.

I can hear my family whispering around me, my ten year old's head resting on my arm. I can feel her tears dripping onto my bicep, cutting a path in the dried blood.

My wife has been through so much, so she can get through this, can't she?

But what if she's been through too much? We have survived a lot of unusual circumstances.

How did she know Jake was going to shoot up the house? Why didn't she tell me?

How has this happened?

I hear running footsteps slapping against the tile floor, Gwen's messy blonde hair blowing behind her as she runs to us.

"How is she?" She gasps, panting. "I came as fast as I could. It was the longest drive ever. Is she okay? Oh my god, are you guys okay?" She rushes to the kids.

"We're okaying Gigi." Raylen whispers, accepting her hug. She hugs and kisses all of them, sniffling.

"Where was she shot? Is she alive?"

"We don't know." Julian mutters, staring at the floor.

"Well...well where was she shot?"

"In the arm." Caroline says.

She's ten. She's only been alive ten years.

She shouldn't have to answer these questions. She's too young.

They're all too young.

The kids saw their mother bleeding out on the living room floor. I had to hold my hand over my little girls mouth to keep her from screaming loud enough to attract the shooter.

What if Odeletta didn't see the gun? We were all in the living room and she was vacuuming the sitting room.

Would we all be dead right now? A pile of bodies, our bloods making a puddle?

I can't go back to that house. I can't take my kids back to that house.

And if my wife is dead?

How am I going to raise four kids without her? She's the boss and everyone in the world knows it.

That women has the power to make me do anything. I have a say obviously and if I wanted to change things I could fight for control, but I don't mind.

I never did. We even each other out.

She doesn't eat the crust on her pizza. I love it. She likes the mushy soggy french fries and I like the crispy ones. She loves corona beer and so do I. I hate making the bed but love sleeping after the bed is made, and she makes the bed.

She folds the clothes because I hate doing it, and I do dishes because she hates doing it.

She's good at math and I'm terrible at it. I'm good at English and she's terrible at it.

She loves grooming the horses and cleaning their hooves and I hate it, but she hates cleaning the stalls and I don't mind it.

We even each other out, and really, we both have equal control. I take care of the house, fixing broken things or working on things. I straighten crooked picture frames and she stands below the ladder and tells me which way to move it.

She's stubborn, ruthless, and badass, but she's also loving, gentle, and sweet.

She fills in my faults and I fill in hers

We finish each other sentences.

Who is going to help me find the right words if she's not there? Who is going to give me the crust of their pizza and help me straighten picture frames?

Who is going to do the hooves of the horses?

Who will help the kids with math? And what happens when Caroline starts her period? I can't deal with that. I don't even know how to buy pads.

I cried a little bit at the house when I was holding her, but now it's hitting me full force with what's really happened.

How did this happen?

"Daddy?" Noah whispers. I snap out of my trance and look at my son. "It's almost time for school."

I glance at the clock.

6:34AM.

She got shot around nine last night. It's been twelve hours.

"You're not going to school." I say quietly, look back at my hands.

They're covered in dry blood. I don't even have a shirt on because it was wrapped around her arm.

How is it that I got shot in the chest and lived but she got shot in the arm and she might die?

What if she is dead already? In the morgue, her beautiful brown eyes to never be opened again. What if she's down there and she's cold? I can't hold her if she's down there.

I might never hear her laugh or see her glare or hear her beautiful French accent again.

I feel my eyes flood with tears.

She's somewhere in this building, either alive or dead.

So where is she? Why haven't we heard anything yet? Is she okay? What if she's not okay?

Of course she's not okay. She's shot.

I stand up.

"Where are you going?" Mason asks.

I need to keep my shit together. It's not time for me to fall apart yet. I need to be strong for the kids and I need to be strong for my wife.

If the doctor walks through and tells me she's dead, I need to keep it together. I have four kids that might lose their mother today.

If the doctor walks through and tells me she's alive, I need to keep my head level to prepare for the recovery.

I hope it's the second one.

"Nathan." Jackson says quietly. I glance at my cousin and slowly sit back down. Caroline situates her head on my arm again.

Noemie stands up and heads for the exit.

"Where are you going?" I question.

"I'll be right back Daddy."

I look at Raylen.

"Go with her."

He sniffles and wipes a tear, standing up and following his little sister.

I have so many questions.

Like what happened? Where was she when she was shot? How did she get that bat? Did she swing on him? Why was he laying like he was crushed? How did she know he was going to shoot up the house?

Why didn't she tell me?

Where is she now? Is she in the morgue?

The thought of her getting all cold like that, shoved into some drawer...

She has to be okay. She just has to. This isn't happening. It doesn't feel real.

Noemie and Jake come back. Noemie sits down on the floor in front of me, a tan plastic container full of crystal clear water in her hands. She sits it on the floor and dips a white washcloth into it. She grabs my right hand.

"Noemie, no." I mumble.

"It's okay Daddy." She says firmly. "Mama's gonna be fine. I just know it. She's so strong. I bet when she go see her she'll be cussing in French or something. She's been through too much to go down from a drugged up kid." She shrugs her shoulders and starts scrubbing the blood off my hand. "She's gonna be just fine Daddy, I'm not scared."

I notice her face isn't red.

She hasn't cried lately.

I stare her her, her familiar brown hair framing her face. She has the same button nose, the same smile, the same face shape. Even her hands are the same, and she has her mothers body.

"You are so much like your mother, Noemie." I whisper. She smiles.

"Mama's my role model." Her smile vanishes then. "She's gonna be fine."

But I know she's just convincing herself.

She rinses the cloth and I watch as the tub of water turns slightly pink. She doesn't seem fazed as she keeps wiping her hands.

"And..." she swallows. "If Mama doesn't make it...she will be okay with it. Because she went down fighting, to protect us." She looks up at me with tears shining in the same brown eyes that mirror my own. "She would have wanted that."

A tear rolls down her cheek and she wipes it. Annalise gets up and walks out suddenly.

"Noemie." I whisper when she starts wiping my hand again. "It's okay to not be okay sometimes. Even the strongest people cry."

"Not Mama." She says.

"She cries too." I whisper. "She takes everything to heart you know, and she cries, she just hides it from you guys as much as she can."

"Really?" She looks up at me again.

"Yeah." I nod. She wipes the blood off my stomach and starts on my left hand, sliding my ring off. Her eyes look thoughtful as she wipes my hand, but I watch the water get darker.

Noah stands up and walks off, and before I can even tell Raylen to follow him, he's on his feet, walking after his little brother.

"Do you think Mama will be okay?" Noemie whispers, cleaning the blood off my wedding ring.

"I hope so." I whisper.

Noemie finishes with my last finger and grabs my left arm, checking for blood spots, and then does the same to the right, wiping it off. She walks out then, coming back a moment later. She sits down and I look at my clean hands. Raylen and Noah come back, and Noah thrusts a dark blue scrub top at me.

"A nurse said you can have it." He says.

"Thanks kiddo." I say quietly. "And thank you too, button."

"You're welcome Daddy." She says in sync with Noah.

I pull the shirt on, sighing slowly. Caroline sniffles, and I put my arm around her.

Annalise walks back into the waiting room.

"I called your boss." She says to me. "And I called Odeletta's boss." She hesitates. "And I called the schools."

"Thank you." I say quietly.

Why am I not doing this? I'm their Dad.

Am I going to be able to handle things without Odeletta? Without mon amour?

A doctor in dark blue scrubs walks into the waiting room. He looks extremely annoyed.

"I'm looking for uh...Nathan Reed?"

I stand up so fast that Caroline's head falls.

"Sorry baby." I frown down at her. The doctor walks over to me, sighing.

"Your wife is a piece of work." He says. "She's alive. We removed the bullet. The reason it took so long is because she refused to let us take her into surgery until she knew the condition of the shooter. She made us keep pumping her with blood as fast as she was bleeding it out. Her arm is fine and the damage wasn't too bad. Her recovery will be slow though, she won't be able to life anything light with her arm for eight weeks. She shattered her left kneecap. I have no idea how she was walking on it, but she has a full leg cast and she insisted we wait until she was no longer affected by the anesthesia to come talk to you guys. She said you guys have been married for almost two decades, yes?"

I nod my head, a giant smile on my face.

"I reckon you know how to talk some sense into her. She will not allow me to give her morphine. When I told her she was going to be in a lot of pain, she looked me dead in the eyes and said, and I quote 'Mama ain't raise no bitch.'" He huffs out an annoyed breath. "And now she's asking me for jello. And her family. She threaten to call security on me if I don't get her family. Please Nathan, please get her to take the medicine."

Everyone in the waiting room has smiles on their face.

"Let me teach you a lesson." I say. "I'll show you how to reason with my wife. Let's go get her jello."

The whole family follows the doctor to the cafeteria to get Odeletta's jello, and then we go to the third floor.

"Watch and learn, Dr..." I look at him.

"Grey." He says.

"Meredith?" I ask. He sighs.

"I get that all the time." He mutters, gesturing to the door.

I push it open.

Odeletta is sitting in bed, her right arm in a sling. Her left leg has a cast all the way up to her hip and it's in this big hammock thing to keep it elevated.

She looks like she's in a really bad mood and in a lot of pain.

Dr. Grey gestures to my wife. I walk straight over to her without a word, reach over her body and grab the button for the morphine, pressing it repeatedly until I can physically see her body relax.

Just as she opens her mouth to protest, I hand her the jello.

"How are you?" I ask.

"I'm tired now that you have drugged me against my will." She grumbles.

I lean down and kiss her anyways, and she kisses me back. I only let it last a moment. She stares at the jello in her left hand, a frown etched on her beautiful features.

She can't hold the jello with her right hand.

"Let me hold it." I say.

"I can do it." She says.

I know she can't, but she's stubborn.

"I know hun, but I want to hold it."

She hesitates, and then holds it out to me. I take the chair next to hers and grab the jello cup. She scoops into it when she wants some, her eyes landing on the kids.

"Thought you could get rid of me." She smiles.

Caroline looks down.

"Mama, we didn't want to get rid of you."

Odeletta's annoyed expression she has had plastered on her face since we got in the room softens.

"Come here sweetie."

She hands me her spoon and holds out her left arm. Caroline moves around the bed to her left, bending down to give her a hug. Odeletta rubs her back, whispering to her French about how she's okay, that everything is fine and we are all safe, and she does the same with the other three when she sees their faces, and then she hugs the rest of the family too, and then her eyes rest on me.

"You have been crying." She whispers.

I study her for a moment.

"Watching our spouses bleed out in front of us is just another thing we have in common." I say bitterly.

She must understand that she knows how I feel.

"The only difference is I'm not going to shut you out." She whispers softly, giving me a gentle smile. "Give me your hand please."

I place my hand in hers, and she presses it against her chest. I can feel her heart beating, and somehow that relaxes me.

"I'm okay, Nathan."

_____

Odeletta suddenly jolts out of sleep and starts screaming. Everyone in the room jumps to their feet, myself included, and doctors come rushing in, along with a nurse with a giant needle.

She goes to inject it.

"No!" I shout, moving to block her from the nurse. "She's not crazy, I can help her, please! If I can't calm her down, you can do it! Just let me try! Please!"

Dr. Grey sighs violently and gestures to Odeletta. I turn around and move to the left side of her bed while she screams and shake her left shoulder hard enough to wake her but not hard enough to hurt her. She lets out a strangled cry and sits up fast, tears flying down her face. Her chest rises and falls rapidly. I carefully scoot her over enough for me to lay in the bed with her. I put my arm out and she lays back down, her head resting on the crook of my neck. I lay on my side, my forehead pressed against the left side of her head.

"You're okay." I murmur, running my fingers through her hair. I plant a kiss on her head. "It was just a nightmare darling, just a bad dream."

I can feel her trembling and my heart aches to see her like this.

The nurses and doctors slowly walk out, and I hear them talking about the psych ward.

Before I can get up to correct them, Mason snaps up and follows them out of the room.

I silently thank the gods above that Odeletta sent the kids home with Adelaide and Josh to get some sleep. All the other ones went home with their mothers, but Gabe, Mason, Julian, Matthew, and Jackson stayed.

I keep running my fingers through her hair and shushing her until she calms against me.

I spent months doing this with her after Jacob, and again after I was shot, and I still do it sometimes when she has them.

To see the nurse with the needle ready to knock her back out with the nightmares just terrified me. I jumped in front of her without a second thought.

I feel her fingers playing with the hem of the scrub top.

"Will you press the morphine?" She whispers. I reach over and hit the button for her, and I can feel her tense body relax. "I think the kids should stay away for a while, until I'm doing better." She whispers. "They are too young for this shit."

I press my lips together and nod slowly.

"They're not going to like that very much."

"They can come visit once a day." She says. "But only if I am awake. And what are we going to do about the house? Every single room is covered in glass. The carpets are stained in blood. That place is just going to give me nightmares now, and the kids-" she cuts off. "What are we going to do, Nathan?"

I sigh slowly.

"I don't know darling, but don't you worry okay? I will handle everything, you just focus on getting better."

"Maybe we should move." She whispers. "And Raylen and Noemie need their schools switched. I want them in Harvest Preparatory."

"I'll make some calls." I whisper into her hair. "For now though, you just rest, okay?"

"Did the horses get shot?" She asks.

"I don't know darling, I haven't been to check."

"You have to, Nathan. I cannot do it now.You have to go check on the horses and make sure-"

"Harper and Peyton did it." Matthew says. "They were fine, just shaken up. They cleaned the stalls and fed them."

"Can you text them and thank them?" Odeletta asks me.

I know she can't do anything and I know she's feeling hopeless. She needs some sort of emotional support, and if means I have to follow her commands of things she would do herself if she could, then so be it.

So I don't complain as I text my sister and Harper to thank them.

Peyton: tell her I checked on Lucia and she's fine, no damage at all

"Peyton said she checked on Lucia." I announce. Odeletta shifts.

"Is she okay?"

"Peyton said she's fine, there was no damage to her at all."

She sighs in relief.

"Thank God." She mutters. "I was so worried about her."

"Well she's okay."

"Let's look at houses." She says suddenly, her eyes lighting up. Mason walks back in and nods his head once at me.

"Thank you." I mouth to him. He nods again and sits back down.

"Alright, we can look at houses."

_____